On Drugs

On the drug war

What are your thoughts on ruthless violence of the drug cartels in Latin America? That shit is almost entirely funded by our greedy demand for and mindless consumption of cocaine. I just spent two weeks down there and got a much better sense of how grave the crisis really is. I’ve now decided to kick the habit and stick to good ol’ California-hippie-grown pot from now on and I think you should hop on board.

Just sayin’…

Two whole weeks? Wow, you’re like an honorary Latin American or something. I guess I should really listen to you. You’re like an expert. I bet you even know how to ask for bottled water in Spanish.

Listen, when you’re done patting yourself on the back for supporting your local pot farmer, maybe you could set aside your smug sense of self-appreciation for going on a field trip and take a hot minute to learn the basic principles of a black market economy.

When it comes to cocaine, it’s not our greedy demand nor our mindless consumption that’s causing the ruthless violence. It’s prohibition. The law is to blame. The illegality of cocaine is what vastly inflates its price above the cost of production, creating an artificial price bubble worth hundreds of billions every year. That money is the ultimate cause of all the violence.

If the United States ended the war on drugs tomorrow and the DEA became strictly a regulatory agency, the market price of cocaine would collapse and the cartel violence would end almost immediately. Not only that, but the demand and consumption of cocaine wouldn’t really change all that much. It’s not like the drug war actually keeps people off drugs.

You’re an idiot if you think there’s any moral superiority in saying no to blow for political reasons, because as a citizen of a country waging this kind of war on drugs, you’ll always have blood on your hands.

Just sayin’ …

On cocaine

You are one of my two favorite blogs. Your writing is brilliant. You should know that I lead a completely different lifestyle from yours- I live in the midwest, I don’t know much about the opposite sex, I have never done a drug “harder” than weed, and I was raised Catholic.

Your blog has made me reevaluate my feelings on a multitude of issues, and I thank you for the mental stimulation.

My main question is: Why cocaine? You say things like “when I die, I want my ashes mixed with glitter and cocaine, and shot up into the sky from behind the Hollywood sign.”

What is it about cocaine that gets you through the weekend? How does it expand your mind? Is there anything you don’t like about it?

Friends get me through the weekend, not cocaine. New experiences expand my mind, not cocaine. I’m a party girl, not a drug addict. Sure, sometimes we’ll lay out a few lines and ramble on into the wee hours, but that’s never the point.

Listen, there’s plenty I don’t like about cocaine. It can turn people into gibbering idiots, it has the tendency to amplify anxiety, and it has the potential for serious abuse. There’s plenty I don’t like about glitter too, but fuck, most things get messy when you use too much of them.

I’m not here to glorify drugs. If you think that, you’ve missed the point entirely. It’s all just a pile of chemicals. Strip away the bullshit, and cocaine is just another medicinal plant extract no different to caffeine.

It’s only through a series of unhappy ethnobotanical and geopolitical accidents that caffeine is the primary active ingredient in the can of extreme soda some thick-skulled police officer slurps down for a cheap rush right before he commits some horrible injustice against a citizen for possessing a mere gram of powdered cocaine.

A drug is a drug. The rest is all politics and culture. I know at first glance it may seem like I’m constantly blowing rails, but gimme a break, this whole silly experiment was born out of one night of coke talk with my friends last summer. At the time, I didn’t know I was creating a goddamned personal brand.

The decadent shit I do on any given weekend may or may not include recreational substances, but the glorification is owed to incredible experiences with fabulous people. I can’t stress enough that it’s never about the drugs.

Try cocaine if you want. Or don’t. It sounds like you might want to smoke a little more weed and sit on a rock-hard cock or two before you start thinking about the California booger sugar. Whatever. Move at your own pace.

Just remember, cocaine isn’t the enemy. Human weakness is.

On acid

My friend and I finally have an acid hook up, but I’m really nervous about it. I’ve tried robotripping which has been good, but i imagine this shit will be really intense, and I don’t want some 12 hour panic attack. So, to drop or not to drop?

Your only frame of reference for LSD is fucking cough syrup, so yeah. What do you want me to say?

I’m not going to make this decision for you. No one else should either.

I will say that with LSD, the best way to end up with a twelve-hour panic attack is to expect a twelve-hour panic attack. Being in a good state of mind is key, so whatever you do, chill the fuck out.

You may want to consider asking yourself what you want to get out of it. You have the opportunity to expand your mind a bit, or you have the opportunity to giggle at MTV for a few hours. Don’t waste it.

Do a little spring cleaning in your head before you drop. Read some poetry or listen to some classical music. Consider it the equivalent of stretching before a workout.

You don’t have to be serious, but take LSD seriously. Especially at first.

On meth

So tomorrow I’m suppose to go and try meth with my friend for the first time. The problem is I’ve never really done any sort of drugs like this before (marijuana once). Obviously I’m out of my depth; I was just wondering if you could pass some judgement before I submit myself?

Please, don’t go. I’m not kidding.

Weed, blow, ecstasy, ketamine, whatever. You know I’m all for expanding your mind. I’m all for experimentation. Just not meth. That shit will steal your soul. Meth is not a healthy chemical. Trust me on this.

You are, indeed, out of your depth. Getting high on meth is sucking the devil’s dick. I promise, whatever immediate pleasure you may feel will not be worth the days of brutal sleepless hangover, and I assure you, the kind of people who do meth are the skankiest among us.

If you know enough to ask me this question, then you know I’m not fucking with you. That shit is filthy. Don’t go there.

On prescription drugs

Ok, so I’ve done drugs before. I’m not necessarily naive. I’ve had lots of fun doing K, E, and blow for a long time now but for fear of sounding lame I feel like taking my drug habit a bit more legit. How do I go about getting Oxycontin or Dexedrin or something along those lines?

No, no, no. Just because a doctor writes you a note, it doesn’t make getting high legitimate. Don’t fucking kid yourself. Oxycontin and Dexedrin are just smack and speed with a college degree.

If you think your choices are any more appropriate because your dealer works at Walgreens, you are missing the point.

If you’re an adult who understands personal responsibility, feel free to get fucked up and accept the consequences. Trying to shift that responsibility to a pharmaceutical company is bullshit.

A drug is a drug is a drug. Pretending that an addiction is okay because your health insurance covers prescriptions is the worst kind of hypocrisy.

(Just to be clear, my reaction here is based on two words that are red flags: ‘habit’ and ‘legit’. If you were just talking about experimenting with something new, my answer would have been completely different.)

On smoking

When did you start smoking cigarettes? Do you think 14/15 is too young to start? If someone starts (well, me) at 14 (already started), is it possible to keep it under control or should I stop altogether? How do you smoke? Are you addicted? Please map this ground out for me because I’m lost.

I had my first cigarette in a church camp bathroom, not coincidentally on the same night that someone’s finger other than my own first found its way inside my vagina. All in all, a pretty wild night for an eighth grader.

I never really started smoking, though. Much like getting fingerbanged, it was just something that happened every once in a while when I was sneaking around with high school boys.

In college, I would smoke with friends who smoked, but I never actually bought cigarettes myself. These days, I keep a pack of Parliaments laying around like I keep beers in the fridge. They’re on hand for when I have guests, and occasionally if I’m in a particular mood.

I guess you could say I’m a pack-a-month smoker, which means on an average day I could call myself a non-smoker and no one would know the difference.

That’s just it, though. I’ll never become someone who needs a cigarette every day. I won’t ever let it become a habit. As habits go, cigarettes are fucking disgusting. The dry cleaning bills alone make it a stupid idea.

Of all the shit I put into my body, cigarettes do the most damage and leave the most lasting negative effects. Sure, when I’m high as fuck, I’ll smoke like a chimney, but that doesn’t make it any less gross.

Not to start sounding like a Public Service Announcement, but a couple of my crazy party friends happen to be doctors. These guys have shoved ecstasy up my ass, and I’ve done cocaine off their cocks. They know their way around every recreational poison you can imagine, and they’ve told me the same thing every time: smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.

So there it is. Maybe it’s a bit of a mixed message, but I hope you understand that I’m not holding myself out as an example. Sure, I smoke a little, but I do all kinds of whacked-out shit that I obviously shouldn’t do.

You’re only fourteen. If you’ve already started smoking, you’re fucked. You should absolutely quit. Never let yourself get addicted to anything, especially something so damaging as cigarettes.

Is there such a thing as casual heroin use?

There’s such a thing as experimental heroin use, perhaps even occasional heroin use, but the word casual implies drug use that is both controlled and non-problematic. Given heroin’s ridiculously high potential for physical dependence and the lifestyle typically associated with its users, I’d have to say that genuinely casual heroin use is a damn near impossible feat, especially over time, and even more so if needles are involved.

I smoke weed everyday, is that too often?

You’ve probably crossed the line from smoking recreationally to using it as a coping method. Don’t let that shit become a crutch. Get your life in balance.

Sex on ketamine?

A kitty party? Fuck yes. Dangerous, though.

Isn’t coke a bit of a waste of time?

Quit looking at your watch, asshole.

I fucked my drug dealer and now he refuses to take money from me.

See how that works?

is it okay to use addiherol to lose weight…?

Sure. Then again, it’s not okay to use drugs you can’t spell.

What do you recommend as a stylish alternative to the pacifier when you’re on a massive ecstasy bender? I chain smoked all night last night and I want a way to control my grinding teeth without waking up with vocal chords that feel like breaded, fried spaghetti.

Higher quality drugs and some chewing gum, you numbnard.

How does one deal with post-ecstasy depression?

5-HTP supplements and enough presence of mind to know that the funk will lift in a couple days.

How do you cure a hangover?

Water and time.

On day drinking

Is it okay to start drinking strawberry and lime cider at half 9 in the morning because im bored?

Strawberry and lime cider? Am I big in Sweden or something? Are you fucking twelve?

If you’re going to get hammered for breakfast, at least have the dignity to do it with real alcohol. Whiskey. Vodka. Beer if you must.

Unless you’re poolside with Truman Capote, no self-respecting day drinker would ever tie one on with a fizzy drink where more than one fruit is involved.

On self-medicating

I suffer from BED and my weight gain has been out of control lately. I have tried to lose weight the old fashioned way, but all my diets fail because I lack will power and can’t control my binges. So I’m considering using coke as an aid to suppress my need to overeat and take my mind off food. (It’s either that or black market bupropion.) Any advice on that? Do you think it would work?

You’re a binge eater who wants to trade up to a coke habit. What could possibly go wrong?

Listen, sweetie. You have deep-seated psychological problems, impulse control issues and a lack of will power. Cocaine will fucking destroy you.

Self-medication by a person inherently incapable of self-regulation does not work. It may seem effective in the short term, but it always makes things worse. All you’re doing is switching substances. You’re not addressing the underlying addiction.

By the way, did a medical professional diagnose you with Binge Eating Disorder, or did you just look that shit up on Wikipedia? And what’s all this talk about black market antidepressants?

I have a sneaking suspicion that you’ve never actually talked to a doctor, and you’re just a fat chick with an internet connection who’s full of shit. It’s bad enough to self-medicate, but you sure as hell don’t get to self-diagnose.

Go to a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist specializing in eating disorders. Get some real help.

On unreasonable demands

I’m 16. I’ve been dating this guy for 10 months, but I can tell we’re going to last for at least a while. It’s not love, but who, at 16, even knows what love IS? I’ve never been addicted to any substance, but I had partaken in smoking weed about half a dozen times with a trustworthy girlfriend of mine, and he knows. Now, he is asking me to never smoke again, and never to drink, even though I have never been drunk, and the last time I smoked was months ago. Nothing happened to spark his demand this of me. He just decided. I have been wanting to smoke again with that friend, but I’m not sure how to confront him about it. I refuse to lie and act like it never happened after I have done it. What should I do?

He just decided? Excuse me, but where does he get off making decisions on your behalf?

Never smoke? Never drink? Fuck that guy. Never surrender your free will, and never put up with an ultimatum.

It’d be one thing if he had genuine concerns about your health or well-being, but this sounds like some tight-ass moral objection to getting a little stoned. You don’t have to obey him. Simply tell him no.

You’re fucking sixteen years old. Boyfriends are fruit-flavored candy at that age. If he does anything but respect your wishes while following you around like a puppy dog, end the relationship so fast that his pointy little head spins.

Why is it so easy to make painfully stupid decisions when it comes to love and relationships, even for people who generally display decent judgment elsewhere?

Because drugs impair judgment, and love is one helluva drug.

I can’t remember the last time I was sober for more than two days.

Yes you can. What changed?

So, I have a problem. I can only hook up with guys when I am drunk. The prospect of hooking up sober scares me. How do I solve this?

With self-respect and maturity. Short of that, quit drinking.

I can’t sleep unless I’m completely toasted. I know this probably means I’m an alcoholic. I think I’m admitting it for the first time right now. What in sweet hell do I do next?

You might be an alcoholic, but this also sounds like you’re self-medicating a mild but undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Go see a shrink.

On cautionary tales

I was around for the 80s wave of cocaine fun. It fucked up more people in my personal circle of acquaintances than any other drug. When I say, “fucked up” I mean: driven to suicidal despair because they couldn’t kick. So, they committed suicide. This, unfortunately, happened more than once as you will no doubt deduce from the use of the third person plural. I also mean: death by overdose. I also mean: careers and lives ruined, as well as collateral damage on an operatic scale.

I know ex-junkies of various stripes, including booze, heroin, and cigarettes. The heroin kickers, in my experience, often make it through, along with the others.

I don’t know any ex-coke heads. They all died.

Now, I’ve done some white lines, and was able to draw some lines. So yeah, you can be all “Trotsky did it, and Freud did it” (along with a lot of other annoying, teeth-grinding egomaniacs). Many of them survived, and perhaps enjoyed some especially wonderful insights and very deeply satisfying sex.

But to be so cavalier and defensive about raising the issues of its dangers is beneath the general level of intelligence you offer up here (often accompanied by your rebranded Dr. Laura tough talk. (Seriously, are you Jewish, or what?)

I find your touchiness about marital infidelity quaint and charmingly Victorian; I guess that same Victorianism applies to your attitude about cocaine as well.

You find me quaint and charmingly Victorian? Wow. That’s about the nicest way anyone has ever come off as a condescending prick. Normally, I’m one to respect my elders, but I don’t appreciate being compared to Dr Laura, so if you wouldn’t mind, please go fuck yourself.

That being said, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s the same now as it was in the eighties. The chaos you describe is the hallmark of drug abuse in any decade, and it’s brutal shit. Still, drug use is not the same as drug abuse. I’ve always been clear about the distinction, and when it comes to addiction, you’ll never catch me being cavalier.

Also, I’m gonna call bullshit on you not knowing any ex-coke heads. I appreciate your dramatic flair, but who are we fucking kidding? Pretty much everyone you know from that era technically qualifies, yourself included.

Oh, and in all seriousness, I’m very sorry to hear about the people in your life who didn’t make it. I know how horrible it feels to bury someone who died too young, and I’ve seen the kind of havoc suicide wreaks on a circle of friends.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to write me back about your mid-life crisis.

On respect

so, you are very clearly pro-drugs and all that. but i’m curious – would you respect someone’s personal decision to stay clean or hold them in contempt?

Live how you wanna live, babe. I don’t give a fuck. Oh, and just to be clear, you’re the one holding me in contempt for thinking that you’re somehow more ‘clean’ than I am.

On getting away with it

isn’t cocaine illegal? then how do you do drugs, openly advertise the fact that you are taking an illegal narcotic on the internet, and get away with it?

Get away with it? Fuck you. May no vehicle in which you travel ever go faster than the posted speed limit. May you be audited by the IRS every year. May you live your entire life and never break a single rule or law, be it for sodomy, loitering or walking on the grass.

I wish that for you and everyone like you who thinks that in a free society, someone like me should have to be getting away with it.

What would you do if all recreational drugs, including alcohol, disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow?

Ridiculously stupid thought experiments like this only demonstrate your gross misunderstanding of chemistry, biology and human nature. The fucking tragedy is that this kind of idiotic thinking has been shaping US drug policy for years.

Are drugs bad?

Nope. Addiction is bad. Human weakness is bad, but drugs are just a bunch of chemicals, and chemicals are morally inert.

Is it wrong to use drugs to fill emotional voids?

Wrong is a moral judgment. If you want one of those, I’d need more context. I will say that using drugs to fill an emotional void usually leads to negative consequences. Do with that what you will.

I got sober. So now what?

Keep your shit together and don’t make a big deal out of it.