On Relationships

On cheating

What exactly do you classify as cheating?

Willfully participating or conspiring to participate in an act of intimacy with the foreknowledge that your partner would reasonably consider that act to be a breach of the mutually understood and agreed upon terms of the relationship.

On tough shit

I cheated, came clean, and after some work, he forgave me. We’ve been together for over a year and shit has been fantastic. He’s my dream dude, so why am I the one having trouble trusting him?

You’re the one having trouble trusting him because you’re the one who cheated. Cheaters are always plagued with trust issues. It’s a little slice of karmic retribution I like to call cheater’s irony.

I’d tell you I’m sorry, but I’m not. You cheated, and now you’re worried he’ll do the same to you. Tough shit. That’s just how it goes.

On more tough shit

I’ve been with this man on and off since middle school. We have an eight year old daughter, which is the main reason why I’m still with him. He is a great man, but I am not truly happy. We have built a home for our daughter together, and I feel wrong to end it and have to put her through the heartbreak and mess. What the hell would you do?

It doesn’t matter what the hell I would do, because I wasn’t stupid enough to get knocked up by some guy I met at recess. What the hell you should do is continue putting your daughter first, and get ridiculous notions of being ‘truly happy’ out of your head. ‘Truly happy’ doesn’t exist. It’s just another bullshit manifestation of the ‘happily ever after’ fantasy.

You’ve built a home for your daughter with a great man. Nicely done, but you don’t get to fuck it all up over a mild case of existential ennui. I’m sorry that you’re bored, but tough shit. It’s not your daughter’s fault that you regret settling down with your first pre-teen crush. She’s eight, so for at least the next decade, her best interests come first, and your best interests come second. That’s what it means to be a mother.

Now, as for becoming happier more often in your current circumstances, take a hot minute to examine what exactly you feel is missing in your relationship. Do you want more passion? More excitement? Or do you just want a shiny new dick to sit on every once in a while? There are any number of obvious solutions to all kinds of unfulfilled needs, but if your problem really boils down to a bunch of ‘this isn’t how I thought my life would turn out’ angst, then please just shut the fuck up and go do some yoga like all the other listless housewives.

On a certain kind of life

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 5 years, and we’ve been together for the last year and a half. He’s 27 and I’m 23. We’re in the process of leaving our respective apartments to move into one together. I assume this means he’ll propose sometime afterward, and he’s alluded to it several times after a couple beers. However, that whole “I’ve never found anyone greater! You’re my soouuulmate!” (shit everyone thinks when they start a new relationship) got thrown out the window like a big gulp on the highway a pretty long time ago.

We’ve had our fair share of break ups and make ups, and what I’m simply learning is that we’re alright with each other. We spend majority of both our time with one another, we’re best friends, we’re good room-mates, we have good sex, and he’s head over heels for me. I think we’re practical, but I’m worried maybe I could be settling just because it “makes sense.”

Doesn’t every couple eventually get this way? Or am I just being an asshole?

Yes, every couple gets this way, and yes, you are settling. Then again, yes, it does make sense, and yes, you’ve got it pretty much as good as it gets.

What do you want me to tell you? You two are best friends who have good sex and can live together without climbing the walls. That’s a fucking marriage right there, with bonus points if you can stand being around his family.

Thing is, do you want that life? If you do, great. Go get a dog, squirt out a couple of kids, and start wearing ugly jeans.

If not though, be strong enough to admit it. This isn’t about your boyfriend. I’m sure he’s fine, but he’s also as interchangeable as a side item on an Applebee’s menu. This is about a certain kind of middle-mind, middle-class, middle-of-the-road American experience that you’re signing up for at a relatively young age.

Again, if that’s what you want, cool. There’s nothing wrong with eatin’ good in the neighborhood, but I get the sense that you really don’t know how to feel about any of it.

Be careful. You don’t strike me as self-realized enough to be content with what’s being handed to you, but neither are you dumb enough to be happy leading an unexamined life. That’s a recipe for disaster.

I don’t mean to freak you out, but if you follow the path of least resistance without some honest self-exploration, you’re just setting yourself up for a miserable seven-year itch followed by a tacky mid-life crisis.

Good luck figuring it all out.

On long term and long distance

I can’t stop thinking about the person my partner dated before me. They only dated for a few months but I know it was really intense and even though we’ve been together for ages it keeps cropping up in my mind. I never used to be jealous before, why is this happening now, so far into our relationship? It’s completely irrational and it’s driving me fucking crazy. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Let me make the problem obvious for you by translating some of your bullshit:

When you say, ‘I can’t stop thinking about the person my partner dated before me’, what you really mean is, ‘I can’t help projecting my own relationship insecurities onto the nearest available target.’

When you say, ‘I know it was really intense and even though we’ve been together for ages it keeps cropping up in my mind’, what you really mean is, ‘I’m terrified that they had better sex than we do, especially now that things are getting stale between us.’

When you say, ‘It’s completely irrational and it’s driving me fucking crazy’, what you really mean is, ‘I’m not self-aware enough to recognize self-destructive patterns in my behavior.’

And of course, when you say, ‘I don’t know what to do anymore’, what you’re really saying is, ‘I’ve never really known how to handle the inevitable ennui that sets in with every long-term relationship I’ve ever had.’

I love my boyfriend but when he’s really drunk he’s kind of a dick to me. What do I do?

Don’t put up with it.

In your opinion, is it ever acceptable to marry/spend the rest of your life with your very first boyfriend?

Sure. Even in marriage, your first doesn’t have to be your only. (And I hope you understand that ‘marry’ and ‘spend the rest of your life with’ are two very different things. It’s naïve of you to conflate them.)

In a weird series of events, I found out my boyfriend’s old fling had an abortion. He doesn’t know. He’s religious and it would upset him. I’m allowed to keep this secret to my grave? Yes?

Definitely, yes. (It’s really not your place to tell him.)

What does “I want to be with you, I’m 100% committed to this relationship, and if you asked me to marry you I would say yes, but a wedding is a whole big thing” mean? I kind of feel shitty for wanting to get married, now.

Quit feeling shitty. (That’s one of your most annoying personality traits.) Your potential fiancé is rightfully terrified of having to plan and pay for a wedding. You obviously have no idea how stressful and expensive that shit really is.

I sleep with guys to feel a little less lonely because no one wants to commit to an actual relationship. WTF is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. Stop having sex to fill an emotional void, don’t confuse loneliness with being alone, and don’t let your relationship status have an effect on your self-worth.

We’ve been dating for 4 years. He wants to get married in another two years, I wanted to have been married like yesterday. It feels shitty to give in to his timeline of events and yet – if we both agree on the end goal – why can’t I just be happy and enjoy the wait?

Because deep down you know damn well he’s just stringing you along. (I mean, come on. Is there even a ring on your finger? I didn’t think so.) If he wanted to be married to you, he would be married to you. Clearly, he doesn’t. Hell, it doesn’t even seem like he wants to be engaged to you, so unless there’s some super-obvious reason for waiting two years, you should really consider the possibility that he’s only agreeing to marriage on some far-off, theoretical horizon just to shut you up.

Why am I so afraid to be mad at my boyfriend?

You are mad at him. You’re afraid of something else.

On four years as the other woman

I’ve been fucking someone with a girlfriend for four years. Apparently, he loves us both. It’s fun when we’re together until we’re not, then I’m left to think of him with her. How do I regain control of my emotions? I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to care about him.

Regain control of your emotions? Fuck you. It’s not like you got drunk one night and accidentally fucked a dude who wasn’t single. You’ve spent nearly half a damn decade as the other woman. Quit acting like you lost your free will and take some responsibility for your shitty behavior.

If you don’t want to care about him any more, step back and recognize this dude for the duplicitous piece of shit that he is. Start caring for your own emotional well-being, and have some fucking self-respect.

You’re better than this, aren’t you? Come on, at least admit that you deserve more than being a mistress. Who gives a flying fuck if he says he loves you both? Do you have any idea how slimy that sounds? You’re nothing but a runner-up piece of ass to a douchebag capable of long-term deceit and emotional dishonesty.

This guy has zero integrity. You don’t want his love. It’s not worth it. It never was. Cut your losses and fucking end it.

On age differences

I’m 20 going on 40. He’s 30 going on 20. Does this work? Or am I just fooling myself into thinking our respective stages in life won’t get in the way of a serious relationship?

You’re fooling yourself, but not about what you think. You’re not going on 40. You just think you’re way more mature than you actually are. He’s not going on 20. He’s just an emotionally stunted man-child more comfortable dating a girl than a woman.

Yes, you’re still a girl. Quit making that face.

The good news is that your respective stages in life won’t necessarily get in the way of a serious relationship. You’re not gonna live happily ever after, but hey, sticking it out for a year or two at your age definitely counts for something.

On not feeling guilty

I cheated, but I don’t feel guilty. I really like the guy I’m with and I wasn’t looking for something more or different than what I already have. I’m not sure why I did it, but I feel like I probably will again. Is there something wrong with me? It seems everyone else is so sure cheating is wrong. I understand in theory, but I wouldn’t be upset if my guy messed around with someone else, so I guess I just don’t get what the big deal is. Help?

You’re so full of shit.

You cheated because it felt good, you’ll do it again because you have no impulse control, and you don’t feel guilty because you have sociopathic tendencies.

If you don’t care whether your guy messes around with someone else, that’s fine, but this isn’t about the sex. It’s about the lie. Would you be cool with it if your guy repeatedly and maliciously lied to you? Didn’t think so.

Feel free to be in an open relationship, but you have to establish that before fucking other people. Have some fucking integrity.

On the seven-year itch

I’m 37 and feel like I’m married to the wrong man. He’s a great provider and loves me unconditionally. We don’t have kids yet, but he wants to. Should I risk leaving him to try to find “the one” even though I’m no spring chicken?

You’re 37? Jesus, lady. Put down that Chardonnay-stained copy of Eat, Pray, Love and back away slowly because that nonsense has you talking like a doe-eyed teenager.

I’m sorry that you don’t wake up every morning blissed out with a raging ladyboner for your husband, but that doesn’t mean you’re married to the wrong man, and it sure as hell doesn’t imply the existence of the right man.

It’s sad to see a woman your age still suffering from the delusion that there is such a thing as ‘the one’. Get that Prince Charming crap out of your head. There are just a bunch of men out there, any number of whom could be perfectly compatible life partners for you. Sure, there’s a slim chance you could meet someone you think is better and, over time, build a more intimate connection with him than your current husband. Probably not, though. You don’t strike me as the type with realistic expectations of the men who are available to romantically unfulfilled 37-year-old divorcées.

The real problem here is that you’ve got a nasty little case of the seven-year itch, and you’re trying to scratch it Oprah’s Book Club style. All that suburban housewife ennui is combining with your massive sense of entitlement, and before you know it you’ll have an ex-husband paying spousal support so you can go on some scented-candle journey of self-discovery. Ugh.

I wish we could just skip to the part where you get a little taste of enlightenment, but you’re still seeking contentment in the silly fiction of a perfect mate, in spite of the fact that you’ve already said your vows to a great provider who loves you unconditionally.

Sorry, lady. Your husband isn’t the problem. You are. As long as you’re of the belief that someone else can be the source of your happiness, you’re doomed to wallow in this minor state of existential crisis.

There’s no chance of you finding what you’re looking for if you keep looking outside yourself. Leave your husband. Don’t leave him. Whatever. In the end, just take some personal responsibility for both your actions and your own happiness.

Good luck finding a clue.

At what point, if any, is it okay/right/appropriate/required to tell a new partner that you were raped a few years ago? Honest by nature, but also terrified of opening up.

It’s never required. It’s okay if you want to, and it’s okay if you don’t. Appropriateness depends on the context. It’s perfectly appropriate to tell your new partner in the natural course of growing intimate, but it might be inappropriate if you use it as some sort of relationship test. In your case, maybe wait until you’re not so terrified. A little anxiety is normal, but too much might mean it’s too soon to share.

Is it possible to ask for more communication and/or more time together in a relationship while still remaining casual?

Yes. Ask for what you want. Know what it is and be specific, but just fucking ask.

If a guy cheats on you once, why does it mean he’ll cheat again? What if he learns his mistake and regrets it?

Regret is a very poor indicator of whether someone will repeat the same mistake. When it comes to behavior, look for patterns, not promises.

She cheated on me a year ago. We broke up. She begged me to get back together. We did. Why? Because I’ve fucked up in the past and I believe in second chances. We are doing okay and 95% of the time I trust her. Why can’t I get rid of that last 5%?

Because she cheated on you a year ago.

He cheated on me and we’re trying to make it work, but it’s just not the same anymore. Will it ever be okay?

Sure it will, just not with him.

On getting over an abortion

I recently had an abortion. My partner had a bit of a tough time dealing with my emotional wreckage afterward so he talked to his mum about what he was feeling. She’s now visiting both of us and cannot stop talking about how excited she is about becoming a grandmother (her step-son and his wife are having a baby). She keeps asking me my opinion on names for the baby, if I want to go shopping with her for toys and clothes. I told her that I am happy for her but I can’t participate in all the baby stuff at the moment but she won’t let up. My boyfriend thinks I should “just get over it”. Am I being oversensitive?

So let me get this straight.

You’re over here trying to deal with the emotional trauma of terminating a pregnancy, and your pathetic weakling of a boyfriend can’t handle it, so he runs off crying to his mommy.

Then the crusty old bitch shows up, and in a mind-boggling display of self-centered thoughtlessness starts rambling on relentlessly about babies, which understandably upsets you, and your boyfriend’s response to this whole ordeal is, ‘just get over it’.

Sweetheart, the question isn’t whether you’re being oversensitive. The question is whether you should castrate your boyfriend before or after you kick his mother in the face.

He does not get to utter the words ‘just get over it’ ever again. Do you understand me? Not once. Ever. You are entitled to as much time, love and support as you need from him to deal with your emotions over that abortion.

Be strong, sister. Don’t put up with his punk-ass shit, and don’t ever let him forget about his culpability in that abortion. Never hesitate to remind him that however tough he thinks it’s been for him, it has been infinitely worse for you.

Also, don’t be afraid to tell his mother to shut the fuck up.

On a manwhore

My boyfriend has had sex with 53 people before me, and admitted to doing lots of cheating before me. Obviously I care about him and I’m not gonna end things over his past, but I’m kind of worried … Does once a manwhore mean always a manwhore?

I know you won’t take my advice, but I’m gonna give it to you anyway. Break up with this guy immediately. It’s not because he’s a manwhore, nor is it because he’s admitted to past infidelities (although neither of those things bode well for your relationship).

No, the real reason you should break up with him is because he knows (or pretends to know) the exact number of people he’s slept with in the upper double digits. It’s not about him having sex with a lot of people. It’s about the fact that he keeps a running tally.

Trust me on this. Once a dude’s exploits fall outside the realm of easily remembered single digits, keeping a precise set of sexual statistics is more than just a little bit creepy. It’s also a red flag that says he’s got something really unhealthy to prove.

I know staying with him is your mistake to make, but I promise that you’re making one.

On fucking up big time

I cheated on my boyfriend with my best friend, who is married.

As much as I hated to, I ended it with my boyfriend and I ended it with my best friend. Because what I did was fucked up.

I know I deserve it, but now I really have no one. I’m totally lost. I don’t know what to do.

Find yourself.

You hit the self-destruct button on your life. Why? There’s a reason you fucked up this big. Figure it out.

It takes a lot of self-loathing to show so little respect for the people you love like that. Where is it coming from? Identify the source of all that mess and deal with it.

It’s not good enough to just shrug your shoulders and acknowledge that you hate yourself. You have to put in some serious introspection here. The goal is to gain enough self-awareness so that you won’t feel the need, consciously or otherwise, to go nuclear on your interpersonal relationships again.

Oh, and while you’re at it, you also have to forgive yourself.

Good luck with that.

On some trifling shit

My boyfriend has pictures of his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend still on his phone. He’s explained the situation that he hardly talks to either of them anymore, although he was involved very deeply and completely in these former relationships. The pictures bother me (example: his ex-wife in a sexy maid halloween outfit; his ex-girlfriend making that goddamn kissy face in a recent picture she sent him). Without seeming like a jealous control freak (which I am not), how do I get him to remove the pictures?

Um, you are a jealous control freak. You’re just not any good at it.

Not only are you in denial about your jealousy, but you lack the basic manipulation skills to convince a boy to delete pictures from his phone. Pathetic.

Your best bet is to slow your roll and hope you wake up cool tomorrow.

Good luck.

i don’t feel like a partner, i feel like a trophy

Get the fuck out of that relationship.

Do or don’t tell my boyfriend, who I love, that there was a short period a few years ago when I was having sex for money?

If you have to ask me, then you aren’t prepared to tell him.

He makes six figures. I’m a student with no income. I had to get an abortion (very hard, I’m pro-choice but come from a religious background) and he only paid for half. Is it wrong that it bothers me?

It should bother you. It speaks volumes about his lack of character and how little he values what you had to go through. Demand he pay for the other half, and then cut him out of your life completely.

I’m dating a guy who is a selfish asshole 60% of the time and a genuinely enjoyable person 40% of the time. I’m not sure if I’m dating him because I like the 40% so much or because I’m scared of the turmoil dumping him will bring to my life.

You aren’t dating a guy. You’re being held emotionally hostage by a selfish asshole with mood swings. Big difference, kiddo.

Every time I tell my partner they’re doing something that upsets me, they take it as a personal attack of me reminding them how “fucked up and terrible” they are. What do I do?

Stop putting up with manipulative bullshit from an insecure partner.

Am I terrible for thinking my girlfriend is really ugly when I wake up in the morning next to her, seeing as she has no makeup on?

Yes.

On a boring marriage

You’ve probably already had this one (a million times) but I’m annoying and lazy so I’ll ask it anyways. What should I do if I’m bored in my marriage and have two small kids. Wait it out because we’re *both* boring and fat now? or let him know and deal with the consequences?

Wait it out? You’re in a marriage, not a line at the grocery store.

Get your shit together, woman. Children are no excuse for being fat and boring. If your husband isn’t doing it for you, feel free to tell him, but don’t be surprised if you aren’t his idea of a hot time either.

Sure, you’ve got kids to raise. Those little buckets of obligation are your first priority, but after that, you should both feel free to chase whatever excitement you can handle.

Presumably, you and your husband have something in common other than your offspring. If so, go find some fun together. If not, go find some fun separately.

Either way, have a fucking honest conversation with each other about your emotional conditions. Get that shit out on the table.

Otherwise, all that boredom is gonna fester into resentment and anger as you lead a life of quiet desperation. You’ll end up damaging your kids with your loveless marriage, and they’ll move to Los Angeles to pursue dreams of acting.

Trust me, you don’t want that to happen.

On what’s inappropriate

I have an ex-wife. We get along all right. I see her once every few months and we have lunch and talk about our work and families and so on.

I have a girlfriend. The girlfriend (who is otherwise not even remotely neurotic or whiny) seems to think that my amicable relationship with my ex-wife is inappropriate.

What do you think?

Inappropriate. I hate that word.

It’s used by persnickety little bitches who are inevitably trying to cover up some negative emotional response they won’t otherwise admit to having.

Go ahead. Make her confess to it. It’s as simple as asking your girlfriend, ‘How does my amicable relationship with my ex-wife make you feel?’

If she’s emotionally honest, she’ll admit to being jealous, embarrassed, resentful or ashamed. That gut-level response is the real problem.

Maybe you can fix that shit, and maybe you can’t, but once the underlying negativity is addressed, you’d be amazed at what’s suddenly appropriate.

On new levels of stupidity

i am currently dating a few guys, and have been proposed to by two (one, i think because the other one did). guy#1 is my best friend, but he is a little small in the undies department. he has never left me unsatisfied… HE is the one who has a problem with it… and trust me, he knows how to use it. he is even willing to let me have other “friends” to make up for his inadequacies.

guy#2-makes more money, is adequately sized (although he claims he is “bigger than average” which he is NOT). He and I have been friends for a long time, and I am not sure if he only asked me because he feels that is what i want because the other guy proposed first.

what do i do? you will tell me straight.

I think you should finish getting your PhD in astrophysics from Caltech.

Really, I don’t know what the guys at the Jet Propulsion Lab would do without you if you decided to give up your budding career as a rocket scientist just to marry a man with a slightly less-than-average penis.

I know, at the moment nothing seems more important than choosing your life partner based on the size of his genitalia, but have you considered what a blow this will be to the scientific community? A mind like yours, wasted on a man who is ‘a little small in the undies department’.

Please, I’m begging you, for the sake of humanity, don’t allow yourself to be distracted by suitors of middling girth like some common shallow whore.

A genius of your caliber deserves nothing less than to marry a man with a truly massive cock. We’re talking two coke cans stacked end to end. Flaccid. Your research is too important to mankind for you to settle for anything less.

On being emotionally involved

I feel like I’m getting too emotionally involved in my relationship. I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and I literally have never felt so, I don’t know, caught up in it all. I’m only 20 and I literally want to marry him. I think about it all the time. I shouldn’t be thinking of marriage, I should be out getting drunk and hanging out with friends. You know what I do instead? BAKE. I’m dreaming of a little domestic life and I don’t know how to handle it. How do I get out of this terrible, terrible, slump I’m in Coketalk?

First of all, stop using the word literally as an intensifier. Also, spit out your gum.

Listen, cupcake. There is nothing wrong with daydreaming about wedding days and white picket fences. You’ve got a crush on this guy. That’s great. Enjoy it, but don’t worry. It’ll pass.

You’re getting all freaked out because you think you’re in a slump. Nope. This is a peak. You’re at the top of the fucking mountain right now, babe. The slump comes later when Mr Abercrombie & Fitch decides to dump you for another sorority girl because you got too drunk one night and started absent-mindedly throwing around the M-word.

This is the first time you’ve ever been emotionally involved in a relationship, and you’re over here complaining that your bicycle has training wheels. Trust me, you need them. You’re still a child who doesn’t yet think for herself. That’s fine, but I’d be wasting my time expounding on the virtues of vulnerability and owning your emotions.

For now, just keep baking and do what feels good.

so are you totally opposed to the idea of long-term romantic relationships or what

No. I prefer long-term romantic relationships. I’m just opposed to staying in unhealthy or imbalanced ones.

He is perfect for me and treats me amazingly well, but he is also a workaholic. How do I get more time with him?

You don’t. Learn to deal with it, or move on.

Sometimes I just want to ignore the guy I’m dating even though I really like him. Why?

It’s one of the ways you exert control over the power dynamics in your relationships. (Remember how your mom used to give your dad the silent treatment? Yep, there you go.)

How do I stop feeling lonely when I’m with him?

If being with him makes you feel lonely, take the fucking hint.

I treat my boyfriend badly for no reason. Why?

Because he lets you, so you don’t respect him, so you treat him badly, and thus repeats the cycle until you both hate each other.

My wife is fit and attractive, but her c-section scar is a total turnoff for me. What should I do? Tell her? Ask her to look into scar removal treatments? Just keep the lights off?

You should become less of a shallow, insensitive asshole.

On your tan and your respect

im gay and ive been dating my boyfriend for ten months now. we broke up like a week ago. why? because i went tanning!!! who in their right mind does that? weve always had a disfunctional relationship, but i really did love him. even pasyt the physical fights and petty little arguements. the sad part about all of this, is tht he cheated on me and i forgave him, but he breaks up with me because of a few U.V. rays? I cant figure it out, so can you tell me why im still in love with this asshole?

Your tan isn’t the reason he broke up with you. Quite frankly, tanning is just a symptom of the larger problem that caused him to break up with you.

He broke up with you because you’re a queeny little bitch.

Yes, you are.

You know how I know? Because of that sound you just made. Also because you forgave him for cheating on you, and because you’re an adult male who uses multiple exclamation points for emphasis.

He doesn’t respect you, not even enough to tell you the real reason he dumped you. Instead, he just pushes your buttons by telling you it was something as stupid as tanning.

That’s why you’re still in love. He pushes your buttons, and you’re the type who thrives on chaos and drama. Fuck that shit. It’s not healthy, and it makes for an awful pattern of relationships.

Have some fucking dignity and move on.

On finding yourself in an affair

I’ve been “dating” this guy for a couple weeks casually. It’s more like we get together for dinner and then fuck like rabbits, but I have absolutely no problem with that. He’s a no strings kind of guy that’s still genuine and fun to hang around/party with. It’s kind of the perfect “relationship” for me. Then, the other day, he forgot to take his wedding ring off. First time I ever saw it. I don’t necessarily enjoy it when women sleep with married or taken men, and now I feel like shit. I somehow feel like I shouldn’t because I didn’t know (and, like an ass, never noticed anything that would indicate that he was) but I can’t help it. I’ve cut off contact for now, but I don’t know how to get rid of the guilty feeling. Any advice?

You cut off contact for now? Fuck that. Confirm that he’s married, and if he is, cut off contact permanently.

The guilty feeling exists because you haven’t done the right thing and actually ended it yet. Finish the job, sweetie. Up to this point, you haven’t been complicit in an affair, but if you continue seeing him, you will have a reason for the guilt.

It’s not worth it, by the way. Consider this a learning experience and move on. Don’t waste your energy or your emotions on people who lack integrity. A man who engages in that level of calculated deception doesn’t deserve one more second of your time.

On the ex-girlfriend stash

I’m dating a 28 year old who kept all of his ex girlfriends weird-ass sex toys in a dresser drawer after 4 months of being apart. Do you think he’s just lazy or waiting for her to come back so they can have some kinkysexytimes?

Relax.

All single guys have a drawer in their closet filled with ex-girlfriend shit. It’s a universal truth, just like all guys have a bedside stash of condoms, and all guys have a secret collection of porn.

It was bound to be something – a leftover piece of jewelry, some lingerie, an old t-shirt, or in your case, a few sex toys. Big deal. Nothing to worry about.

Most guys go to the trouble of hiding the ex-girlfriend drawer. It’s actually a good sign that your man doesn’t give enough of a fuck to bother making it a secret.

Oh, and here’s a little parting gift for you: don’t refer to them as ‘weird-ass’ sex toys when he’s around. It sounds negative and judgmental, and you probably don’t want him thinking that you’re any less wild in bed than his ex-girlfriend.

On how to beat an xbox

How does a girl compete with the XBox 360?

My boyfriend ignores me all the time. We get home from work and he immediately heads for the couch and stays on it long after I go to bed.

We had a daughter about 2 years ago, so in the beginning my libido was none existent, but that’s changed. I’m back in my size 2 jeans, you can barley see any stretch marks and I’m not ugly.

I try to initiate sex, I try to get him off the XBox and his response is “Babe! Your making me die” Seriously WTF is that?! Mastubating is not as good as the real deal. So what’s a girl to do?

Stretch marks and an Xbox addicted babydaddy? You are living my nightmare.

Listen, you picked this guy. Normally I’d tell you to suck it up and deal with the consequences of your stupid life choices, but for the sake of your daughter, I’m gonna ignore my bitchier instincts and throw you a bone here.

In situations like this one, your daughter is what’s known as ‘leverage’. As long as your boyfriend wants to be a part of her life, you have positional advantage to affect his behavior. I suggest you use it.

For your daughter’s sake, for his sake, really, for America’s sake, I want you to take that Xbox out to an empty field and smash it with a fucking baseball bat. Remember the fax machine scene from Office Space? Yeah. Do that. Go crazy.

Your child will not be raised in a house with video games. It’s as simple as that. Never forget, you are well within your rights and duties as the mother of the house to lay down the motherfucking law.

Sure, he’ll be pissed. He’ll be furious, but what’s he gonna do? Not fuck you? Right. You’re already used to that. Let him throw a tantrum like the child he obviously is. Too bad. It’s time for him to grow the fuck up.

And don’t listen to any of his man-of-the-house bullshit about ‘after a long, hard day at work…’ He’s not out grabbing a beer with the guys to blow off a little steam. He’s a lazy sack of shit parked on the sofa playing video games instead of spending time with his family.

If he wants to be the man of the house, then he needs to put away childish things, and you know what? Now that he’s a father, he’s obligated to grow up.

That’s how you compete with an Xbox. You don’t even allow it a place in your home.

Is it always a bad idea to forgive a cheater?

No, it’s actually a good idea to forgive a cheater, but that doesn’t mean forget, and that sure as hell doesn’t mean give back your trust.

What does it mean when a guy says that he doesn’t deserve you? Red flag?

Yeah. It’s a bullshit way of saying that he appreciates the things you do for him, but he’s not quite into you enough to commit to a relationship.

Why do all the married couples I know seem so unhappy?

Because unhappiness is the resting state of marriage.

If unhappiness is the resting state of marriage, what’s the resting state of being single?

Loneliness.

What’s worse: Marriage or loneliness?

Thinking those are your only two options.

What do you think of people that are in happy relationships but break up to “see what else is out there”?

Don’t kid yourself. Those relationships are either shallow to the point of worthlessness, or they aren’t really happy.

On girl meets boy

Here’s the story: girl meets boy. girl likes boy. boy is out of her league. girl and boy become friends. better friends. best friends. girl falls in love with boy. girl overanalyzes everything that boy does. this causes drama. boy eventually walks away from friendship. girl and boy get back in contact. girl tries not to be passive agressive this time and just asks him what’s going on. boy calls girl out for overanalyzing the shit out of everything again. girl and boy talk. girl gets upset and asks boy to call her. says she misses him. boy tells girl he will. boy never calls or anything. girl texts him a week later about something else. they talk. what the fuck is going on with the boy?

Boy likes girl. Boy doesn’t love girl. Boy will never love girl. Girl doesn’t want to deal with reality. Boy doesn’t want to deal with girl.

On a girlfriend in the wings

I met this guy three weeks ago and he’s really great: kind, great in bed, attentive… and he has a girlfriend. WELL, it’s more complicated than that. He dated a girl that graduated from our school last year and she high-tailed it to another country and will be there until February. Thus, they’re in an “open relationship” until then. Should I drop this guy ASAP? I feel like our relationship/tryst/whatever has an expiration date on it and that he’s only using me for sex. But another part of me likes spending time with him. We’re not only hookup buddies either, so it’s not like I’m getting the “booty-text” every night at 2 AM. What do you think?

He’s respectful? Open? Great in bed? If it were me, I’d fuck him silly through New Year’s and when the girlfriend comes back in February, I’d offer them a threesome for Valentine’s Day. Why? Because I know I could handle it.

Every relationship has an expiration date, so don’t fear it. Just enjoy your time with him and be cool. The girlfriend’s return doesn’t have to be sticky or awkward. In fact, by being the cool chick, you can take away a lot of the girlfriend’s power to affect that expiration date.

In other words, don’t try and steal him. Don’t get possessive. Just rock his world, and more than likely she’ll be the one who has to steal him back.

Actually, that’s where the threesome comes in. I’m serious about that. Offering up a Valentine’s Day threesome will checkmate the entire love triangle. Here’s how it works:

If you offer a threesome and she’s not into it, then you’ve forced his hand without being possessive. He has to pick either you or her.

If he picks you, you win.

If he picks her, the threesome offer will burn a hole of regret through his male ego within a month, and you will have sabotaged their relationship by being the cool chick. Not the best outcome, but satisfying nonetheless.

On the other hand, if you offer a threesome and she’s into it, then suddenly you’re the one setting the agenda.

Give them both orgasms, and at that point, you can pretty much take the relationship any direction you want. It doesn’t matter if you’re sharing him, because you’re the one in control.

I know this sounds a bit devious, but it’s not. This isn’t black magic. None of it will work if you’re malicious. It’s all just a complicated variation on the ‘kill ’em with kindness’ method.

Of course, my plan requires that you at least be willing to eat a little pussy. I don’t know. I guess I kind of take that shit for granted these days.

Whatever. Just have fun.

On teenage sweethearts

I’ve been in a relationship for four years off-and-on with the same guy. How practical would it be to move in together? Both of us have steady jobs, he’s already moved out with room mates at the moment, but I’m still living with my parents so that I can save up more money for the possibility of us taking things to the next level.

Red flag number one: ‘four years’

Red flag number two: ‘off-and-on’

Red flag number three: ‘but I’m still living with my parents’

Do you really want me to answer this question? My advice has nothing to do with practicality, and I promise you will not like it.

Here’s a hint: as much as sentimental conservative types may disagree, I feel strongly that settling down with your teenage sweetheart is a recipe for a mid-life crisis in your early thirties when you realize that the only cock you’ve ever seen is attached to a man who resents you for stealing his youth and won’t fuck you because you’ve got short hair and stretch marks. Not that it matters to you, because you fell out of love with him years before and now you subsist on fantasies about the personal lives of pretty people on daytime television.

So, are you sure you want my advice on this one?

On getting out of the closet

Ok here goes, I cheat on my wife with random hook ups with men. I usually just get blown. I fucked a guy twice. I just do it for the release since I get nothing at home.

Your thoughts?

Listen up, Congressman. Stop cheating on your wife with anonymous dudes. It’s super creepy.

If you’re trapped in a loveless marriage, get the fuck out – in this case even if you have kids. You’ll do more psychological damage to your offspring as a self-hating closeted homosexual than you will as an openly gay divorcee.

Also, stop voting Republican.

To what extent should a partner’s romantic past matter in a relationship?

Only to the extent that either of you can’t leave it there.

What do you think about marrying your first love? Does everyone have to go through heartbreak?

Do what makes you happy, but you’re a fool if you think marrying your first love is any kind of protection against heartbreak.

What if you’re not sexually attracted to your soulmate?

There’s no such thing as a soulmate. If your partner doesn’t turn you on any more, I suggest you both evaluate your sexual needs and then re-evaluate the terms of your relationship.

Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex?

Because she used to touch your boyfriend’s penis.

What’s the best way to deal with emotional infidelity?

Honest communication.

How do I reconcile the fact that I have an awesome boyfriend whom I love dearly, but who is lazy beyond belief and won’t get his act together? I want to conquer the world, but I feel anchored by his laziness.

Substitute ‘ex’ for ‘awesome’. Boom. Reconciled.

Why do I want my boyfriend to stop loving me as much as he does?

Because romantic obligation makes you uncomfortable.

Is it worth it to try to change anyone?

Is it insanity to believe that you can?

Is the one you love supposed to piss you off like no other creature on this planet?

It should be possible but not probable.

Is it OK to flirt when you’re married?

It’s fine with me, but you might wanna ask your wife.

How much bullshit is it worth putting up with for true love?

Please do not put the word true in front of love. Love is love, and you are not the Princess Bride.

What’s the most important quality in a relationship?

Mutual respect.

My wife says my shoes need to be put away. Do I have to do this?

What are you, twelve? Go ahead and substitute the word ‘mommy’ for the word ‘wife’ in this ridiculous question. Notice how the tone didn’t change? Grow up, dude.

The man I’m fucking is in love with my best friend. He treats her with respect, and he treats me like nothing. Guess this is what I get for fucking him, right?

No, this is what you get for thinking your vagina is a hole through which respect passes.

Negotiating an open relationship because your partner is a mediocre lover – coping or cop out?

It’s coping if you’re honest with him about why you’re not satisfied, otherwise it’s copping out.

Why do smart, beautiful women get stuck in abusive relationships (physical and emotional)?

Because brains and beauty ain’t got shit to do with crazy.

When is it okay to lie to someone you love and respect?

A good rule of thumb is that if you have to ask yourself this question, now is not the time.

Why do you think most people are so against ‘open relationships’?

They find it threatening to what is ultimately a false sense of security.

At what age should a man stop looking for the perfect partner and just settle for someone half way attractive with a job that you can stand to share a place with?

A man would know better than to expect perfection in the first place. A man would also understand what it really means to settle. Grow the fuck up.

How do you know when to give up on someone?

When they’ve shown you who they are, and it isn’t enough.

My boyfriend cheated on me and is now dating the girl he cheated on me with. Yet, I would still take him back if he asked. What is wrong with me?

A complete lack of self-respect.

Relationships are difficult and don’t work out, what’s the point?

Relationships are the point. They’re all we’ve got. Quit whining and get back out there.

On boredom and chaos

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and I love him so much. He’s truly my partner in everything. We adopted a dog recently and we’re moving into our own place in a few months. Everything is sort of gliding effortlessly forward and that scares me for some reason. I’ve never had a relationship last this long that didn’t have some serious red flags by now. He is so supportive and reliable. Since I met him my life has become much more calm and stable, but sometimes that also seems boring. It’s like we’re too comfortable with each other, which I know sounds like complaining that my jewels are too heavy. How to I keep from becoming ungrateful for this life we have together? How do you keep this sort of thing fresh?

The relationship isn’t boring. Life is boring, and you’re just now noticing for the first time as an adult because you aren’t being distracted by some youthful flavor of chaos.

If you want to keep from becoming ungrateful, do some serious soul-searching and identify exactly what’s missing in your life now that you’re in a stable, healthy relationship. ‘Things aren’t fresh any more’ isn’t a good enough answer. Be very fucking specific, and very fucking honest with yourself. Remember, fresh isn’t the same thing as exciting, and excitement isn’t the same thing as chaos.

If you can’t come up with a specific and valid problem other than the mild state of boredom known as everyday life, then guess what? This is as good as it gets. Take that as good news or bad. Either way, you’d be wise not to go searching for a taste of chaos. That shit isn’t a spice.

On bringing too much to the table

I make 80 percent of the money and do 75% of the housework. I’m tired. I’m also doing feminism wrong somehow. Help.

Don’t ask me for help. Ask your lazy, good-for-nothing partner for help. Better yet, demand his help. Realign the inequitable gender roles in your relationship with the unilateral force of someone who brings home the fucking bacon.

Why isn’t he the one taking care of the house? What, is that women’s work? No. Huh-uh. Fuck that shit right back to the fifties. That’s not how the game is played any more, and folding the laundry before you stick it in the drawer ain’t that hard a trick to learn.

Give him an order, and expect it to get done. You know you can do that, right? You’re in charge, even if you don’t wanna be. Don’t put up with one ounce of whiny prideful bullshit, and if he doesn’t step up, then he can fuck right off.

Honestly, what does this guy bring to the table? Is he a fitness model? Is he making you cum three times a day? Is he as emotionally supportive as a therapist and two best friends? He’d better be all those things, because if he’s just some basic bro kicking in beer money and the occasional light bulb change, then I gotta ask what the fuck are you still doing with him?

Unfortunately, I already know the answer, and it’s as ugly as it is obvious: relationship inertia. You’re used to his lazy ass, and it would take time and energy to either whip it into shape or kick it to the curb.

Well, tough shit. You picked him, and you spoiled him by bringing too much to the table. Now you gotta deal with him, and if he’s not worth the effort, then you gotta deal with that too.

My husband annoys the fuck out of me.

Of course he does. He’s a daily reminder that you’ve given up.

Why is it so hard to quit a jerk?

It’s hard to quit anyone once you’ve fallen for them. The more important question is why you pick jerks to begin with.

We had fire, I told him I liked him, now we have smoldering embers. But sometimes it sparks up again and we both get kind of lost in the smoke. What the hell is going on?

What’s going on is a situation where a dude isn’t that into you, but still wants to fuck you on occasion, so you let him, which leads to confusion in the form of overextended fire metaphors.

I love him, but why don’t I trust him?

I have no idea, but you’d better fix that shit or your relationship is fucked.

My boyfriend has gained some weight and I feel like a shit person for being less attracted to him now.

Yeah, being shallow sucks. Sorry your boyfriend is gross.

How do I ask my boyfriend if he’s cheating without making an accusation?

Quit being a doormat.

How do I tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him with my best friend and her girlfriend?

I think you’ll be surprised how easy it is to confess to your boyfriend that you had a lesbian threesome.

On an open marriage full of lies

My husband’s been cheating on me. We are supposed to have an open marriage, and the agreed terms are that we know what each other has been up to. Not that he hasn’t denied doing anything until he has to bring me antibiotics from the clinic because he’s caught something.

I don’t mind the sex, I mind the lying for I don’t know how long, at least a year. Not just not telling, lying when asked. I’m not possessive or weird, but we had an agreement about how this was supposed to work. If one of us wants to change the terms, it’s a negotiation, not an unilateral change.

We’ve been married for nine years. We both want an open marriage, but this whole time he has had trouble actually admitting that he is doing it with anyone else.

If it matters, we’re both bi, and he’s mostly hooked up with men, though I just learned there was one woman 10 months ago, maybe more, I don’t know. Now what?

It’s entirely up to you.

First, you need to make a rational and realistic assessment of your husband’s character, and then decide whether his potential for infidelity is enough of a glaring flaw to end your marriage.

You need to take into account that an open marriage isn’t enough for him, and it probably never will be. Cheating itself is obviously part of the thrill. He’d rather tell lies and keep secrets than put in the minimum amount of effort required to keep an open marriage healthy, and that’s not something you can easily remedy.

It’s a terrible thing to learn that your husband can’t be trusted, and I’m sure he’ll come up with a long list of bullshit reasons why he lied, but at the end of the day, the fundamental reason is that he just couldn’t be bothered to be honest.

In an open marriage, he was morally lazy. It was simply easier for him to lie – and perhaps even more fun – right up until the moment it wasn’t. The question you have to ask yourself now is, can you see yourself ever being in a position to trust your husband again? Better yet, do you want to even bother?

Nine years is a long time. Maybe you want to try to make it work. Then again, nine years is a long time. Maybe you’re ready to move on.

What do you want to do?

Sure, it’s a tough decision either way, but if you do a gut check, you probably already know which way you want to go. Don’t be afraid if you have an answer. Even if he can’t be honest with you, you still have to be honest with yourself.

On being unreasonable

I just told my boyfriend it bothers me that he is constantly either on his computer, his iPad (which I bought him) or watching TV. And his answer was that he’s like that because he’s constantly seeking knowledge and that I’m basically asking him to choose between me and knowledge. I know he’s not playing games but even if he is doing it for a “noble cause”, I don’t think I’m asking for a lot. He said that if we get to a middle ground, I’m going to keep asking for more. I feel like I’m in a never ending argument. Am I being unreasonable? For the record we only see each other weekends because we live an hour away from each other so he stays with me Fri-Sun.

I’m constantly amazed at how often I get questions that are some version of a girlfriend asking me, ‘Am I being unreasonable?’ because the outrageous nonsense coming out of her boyfriend’s smug fucking face is so utterly ridiculous that it makes her question her rationality.

Let me assure you, and all the women out there like you, that you have not lost the capacity for reason. Your boyfriend is simply a self-centered douchebag who has so little respect for you that he won’t stop staring at a screen long enough to look you in the eyes and tell you to fuck off.

It’s bad enough that he can claim to be ‘constantly seeking knowledge’ with a straight face, but do you have any idea how condescendingly rude and totally full of shit he has to be to create a false dichotomy between spending quality time with you and feeding his casual internet addiction?

Please do not believe for one solitary second that you are somehow asking him to choose between you and knowledge. All you are asking for is a bare minimum of togetherness, and if he’s not willing to give it to you, then you should kick him the fuck out of your house.

Your boyfriend is a gigantic gaping asshole for talking to you that way, and I honestly don’t know how you put up with it. Fuck his middle ground. Send his ass home for the weekend, call up all those friends you haven’t seen in a while, and go have some fucking drinks.

Motherfucker hasn’t even seen unreasonable.

I constantly feel it’s only a matter of time before one of us cheats. Should I just end it?

Perhaps, but ending it won’t fix your trust issues.

How do I know if my girlfriend loves me?

Dude, she’ll tell you with her actions and her words exactly how she feels about you. If you’re not paying attention to what she’s telling you, that’s a minor communication issue you can fix by being present in the relationship. If you don’t believe what she’s telling you, that’s a major trust issue you need to address or it will ruin everything.

I’m caucasian and attracted to a brilliant, attractive Asian woman. There’s long-term potential, but when I think about having kids, everything stops; I want kids that look about half like me. Is this some strain of racism? Pride? If not, what the hell is it? And how do I overcome it? Thanks.

Your kids will still look like you, dipshit. That’s how it works. And yeah, for the record, your reaction is good old-fashioned racism with a little dash of narcissism thrown in for good measure. Overcome it by pulling your head out of your ass.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years and have never lived together due to his inability to find a full-time job. Are we screwed once he does? Will he ever?

Stop kidding yourself. Your boyfriend is a loser, and you aren’t living together because he doesn’t want to live with you.

I’m attracted to my boyfriend’s sister. How do I deal with this?

Whatever you do, don’t suggest a threesome.

On unexamined monogamy

My girlfriend and I have been together for six months, and it’s a great relationship. She had to travel overseas for three months for work purposes, and I’m stuck at home without enough money to travel. She’s been gone for more than a month already, and it was all fine up until recently.

She was caught out by an overseas friend of mine being kind of flirty in public. Every day for the last week or so, my girlfriend tells me she’s so horny and doesn’t think she can last the length of her stay without cheating; it’s “so hard” and “the distance is getting to me, so hard.” She tells me how guys approach her in clubs and try to sleep with her, but also makes it out that I should be proud of her for saying no to them.

She has a history of sleeping around while over there and not in a relationship, and saying “no” to guys is something new to her. I give her credit for that. I also admit she’s one to usually get what she wants, when she wants, thanks to a rich mother and forgiving father, and now’s a time where she can’t get all of that without hurting me.

However, it still messes with my head. I’ve spoken to two of her friends that have since became my own, and they’re disappointed in her. I’m sorry if this is long, but you seem great with advice. What options are available for me? Is she doing a normal thing? Am I right to be so cut up by it?

This isn’t about you being right or her being wrong, and this certainly isn’t about doing the normal thing. This is about coming to terms with your petty jealousy, addressing her potential lack of integrity and recognizing that you’re in a self-made prison of unexamined monogamy.

Having sex with other people while you’re in a relationship doesn’t always have to be cheating. So many people are in a constant struggle – to cheat or not to cheat – and it never occurs to them that in order to cheat, they have to accept a set of rules before they can break them.

Why accept the rules? Why not make your own? It’s so much healthier to simply reject the underlying assumption that monogamy and fidelity are interchangeable concepts. They’re not.

Yes, that’s right. Monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing.

It’s such a simple statement, but there is so much freedom in it. Being true and faithful in a relationship has no inherent connection to how many sexual partners you have. The connection is self-imposed.

Why do you care if your girlfriend has sex while she’s overseas? Why should she care if you do the same? What are you proving to each other by not having sex for three months? That kind of behavior isn’t strengthening your relationship. All it seems to be doing is building resentment and mistrust.

What am I suggesting here? Well, it’s not all that salacious. Really, it’s about integrity and strength – the integrity to be totally open and honest in a relationship, and the strength to allow yourself and your partner to pursue happiness wherever it may be found.

Obviously, your girlfriend shouldn’t be having any love affairs while she’s away, but physical and emotional intimacy are completely different than getting your rocks off. Come on, dude. You’re not a doe-eyed grade schooler. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.

Take some time to re-examine your romantic fundamentals. Lust isn’t love. Flirting isn’t intimacy. Sex isn’t passion. As long as you two keep the love, intimacy and passion to yourselves, do you think you can handle letting her have a little lust, flirting and sex when you’re not around?

If not, that’s fine, but understand that the reasons matter. You aren’t talking to me about your girlfriend being undignified, unsafe or disrespectful. All I’m hearing from you is petty jealousy. You are jealous and insecure in the relationship, and that’s not healthy. Jealousy is a symptom of larger trust issues and fears. Throw in the long distance and a girlfriend with a healthy sex drive, and that’s a recipe for things ending badly.

And come to think of it, this advice goes for all couples, gay or straight, in any combination of girl or guy. There is no double standard here. Fear-based monogamy is a terrible foundation for exclusivity in any romantic relationship. Instead, exclusivity should be based on physical and emotional intimacy.

Of course, sex can be a beautiful expression of both physical and emotional intimacy, but that doesn’t mean it always is. Is your girlfriend looking for intimacy while she’s overseas for work, or is she just looking to get laid? Be honest. You know the difference. Are you being jealous out of deep insecurities? Again, be honest.

Listen, I’m not saying you should give your girlfriend an international hall pass. That kind of thing is entirely up to you. All I’m saying is that you need to take a step back and open up a dialog with your girlfriend about fidelity, and focus on being true to one another where it really matters.