On Breakups

On why you weren’t good enough for him

Why wasn’t I good enough for him?

Life will be miserable if you think like this.

In one simple sentence, you’ve managed to cram together an invalidation (why wasn’t I), a value judgment (good enough) and a personalization (for him). Let me help you see it another way.

First, you can’t take this personally. It’s not even about you. I know this is difficult to accept, but you have nothing to do with what he wants or doesn’t want. His personal preferences do not speak to your quality in any way whatsoever.

While you’re at it, stop judging yourself. This has absolutely nothing to do with you being ‘good enough’. Your value as a human being is not connected to his romantic whims.

Finally, don’t invalidate yourself. This isn’t a failure on your part. There is no reason to frame this negatively. I know it hurts. Believe me, I know how much unrequited feelings suck, but don’t let the pain trick you into believing you deserve it.

Strip away the invalidation, the value judgment and the personalization, and ‘why wasn’t I good enough for him’ becomes simply, ‘he prefers something else’.

That’s it, really. He prefers something else, and it’s not a reflection upon you, nor is it under your control.

Accept that. Learn to think this way. You’ll still feel the pain, but it won’t be agony. It will be bittersweet instead.

On someone better

My boyfriend of 2 years just broke up with me. Besides the emotional turbulence, which I know will pass, I’m pretty sure rationally that I don’t have great chances of ever finding someone better for me.

Actually, that’s pretty much the opposite of rational.

Getting dumped sucks, and right now it’s perfectly understandable for you to feel like you’ll never find someone better. It may even seem like a logical conclusion, but it’s not.

The fault in your logic is that you aren’t going to stay the same person you are today. Yes, the emotional turbulence will pass, but more than that, you’re going to continue growing and changing, so it’s perfectly okay if you never find someone better for the person you are at the moment, because that’s not who you’re always going to be.

Whatever you do, don’t set this guy up in your mind to be ‘the one that got away’. He isn’t, and that’s not really a thing. That kind of thinking is just a bullshit excuse people use to let themselves stay emotionally paralyzed.

Keep your shit together, and start moving on, because the point isn’t to find someone better. The point is to be someone better, and if you do it for yourself, I promise that one day, you’ll look back on the boyfriend who you thought was perfect at the time, and all he’ll seem like is a quaint exercise in early love.

On moving the fuck on already

My ex-fiancee just got engaged to the guy she cheated on me with. After 3 years I thought I was over her, and yet one stupid Facebook notification through a friend of a friend and I’m a goddamn wreck. Apart from drinking myself to sleep for the next few nights, how the hell do I get past something like this? I know it’s stupid and childish to cling to the past, but she was the first woman to break my heart. Compounded with the breakup I had about a month ago, I’m almost turned against the whole relationship thing entirely.

I know I’m being reactionary and selfish, but beyond that I have no idea how to cope with this shit. Coquette, help?

Dude, put down the bottle of cheap Scotch and log out of Facebook.

So you had your heart broken. Good. It’s one of those necessary experiences that are all part of having a full life, but three years is long enough. Quit your damn wallowing. It’s fucking pathetic.

She wasn’t your one great love. You two weren’t meant to be together. The guy she cheated on you with didn’t win any prize by getting her to say yes. Hell, you got her to say yes. Big fuckin’ deal.

You didn’t lose anything here. They didn’t get one over on you. It only feels that way because you’ve concocted a bullshit fantasy about the way things coulda shoulda woulda been if only … if only … if only what exactly?

Please. You were in a shitty relationship that ended badly three years ago. Quit romanticizing it. You should be laughing at this news. He’s a fool for getting engaged to a cheater, and you’re a mope every goddamned second you don’t see it that way.

Get your shit together, man.

What do you do when the man you love is marrying someone else?

You do what it takes to fall out of love. Step back. Reframe him. Let it hurt for a while, and then move on. He’s just a man. One day you’ll see that.

Why did I only feel comfortable telling him I loved him after I broke up with him?

Because after you broke up with him, there was no emotional risk.

I’m thinking of sending a letter to my ex boyfriend. Even though we love each other, we broke up because our relationship wasn’t realistic on the long run, and it feels like this letter would be the final closure for me. Is it a good idea to sign it with “love” then my name?

Yes. Write the letter, sign it with love, and then don’t send it. Trust me. Stick it in a drawer for at least three months. If you forget about it, great. If you don’t, pull it out and read it. If you still wanna send it, send it. If not, even better.

Chère Coquette, I’m 40 years old, divorced 5 years ago and just starting to feel better after a long grief of having become a broken family (fuck you, ex-husband) and a depression related to this event. I have an amazing 11 years old daughter, I love my job and own a great apartment in the coolest part of Montreal. Why do I feel stalled, stuck and unable to start the next chapter of my life?

Because you still feel the need to say ‘fuck you’ to your ex-husband.

I thought I was fine, but he found someone else and now I’m losing my shit. I’ve been with a few dudes since him but haven’t been able to catch any feelings. How do I poise myself against something that unexpectedly hurts like hell all over again?

Yeah, you gotta let it hurt. Fresh pain after your ex falls for someone else is a pretty standard break-up aftershock. Learn to expect that shit, especially if they catch feelings first.

I miss him so much that I cry myself into a half-sleep every night. But it’s been a month since we broke up, and I have shit to do. How can I speed up the process?

You can’t, but that’s no excuse not to get your shit done.

On how to break up

I have a boyfriend of 3 months and am not happy. I try to break-up with him, but every time he cries and whines that he’ll do better. He’s a bad liar and a cheap date. How should I break up with him?

Pick up the phone. Dial his number. When he answers, say the following:

‘Hey asshole, we are broken up. I don’t want anything to do with you any more. Lose my fucking number.’

That’s it. You’re done.

Hang up the phone.

Ignore him.

On your ex’s horny friends

Cut to three months after a three-year-long heartfelt and soul-deep relationship ended. I’m on pretty good terms with the ex; we both still have residual feelings for each other but are keeping a little bit of distance (mostly my request as the ex-to-friends transition hurts like a bitch). That’s not the problem. The problem is that now his friends are trying to get at me.

I make no effort to seem even remotely available to these people. We’ve interacted only a handful of times through Facebook, all amounting to more-or-less pleasantries and those stupid-ass game invites.

While this most recent friend hasn’t been explicit in his efforts, it’s still smelling kind of fishy. I want to do the right thing by my ex, and let’s face it, I’m still loyal to some degree. Also, I have a little thing called integrity. I’m in no way interested in my ex’s friends. They were out of bounds the second I started dating my ex (though I honestly wouldn’t be interested in them anyway.) I’m just trying to figure out the most graceful way to navigate the situation. That’s where you come in, hopefully.

Thanks, Coquette. It’s times like these I wish I could call you up for whiskey sours at a dive bar until 3 am.

Sweetheart, the first thing I would do is wean you off of whiskey sours. (If you insist on adding anything other than ice to your whiskey, that list ends at vermouth and bitters.) The second thing I would do is give you a big hug and tell you that you are not alone in this. It happens with such frequency that I’m surprised there’s not a formal name for it.

There will always be a few acquaintances of your ex who come sniffing around after a breakup. It’s inevitable, especially now that they can do it so easily on Facebook and still maintain plausible deniability. After each relationship, I pretty much expect to play a game of post-breakup whack-a-mole with a horny handful of my ex’s douchebag friends who suddenly find a reason to poke their heads into my business. (And yeah, the really sneaky ones wait a few months.)

The most graceful way to handle this is just ignore them. Unless you have a good reason to be exchanging pleasantries, don’t even do it. You are not obligated to respond to these guys, and you shouldn’t be afraid of seeming rude. Don’t make it your problem that they don’t know any better. Shut them down hard and fast the moment they start hitting on you, and feel free to unfriend them if they make you uncomfortable in any way.

Unless one of them gets aggressively creepy, don’t get your ex involved. The only thing worse than telling your ex that his friends are hitting on you is actually hooking up with one of his friends. Leave that kind of tacky behavior to the attention whores and drama queens.

Good luck with the broken heart, babe. I’m sorry you have to deal with a few jokers along the way.

What’s the protocol on sending an ex an email? Is the answer just don’t do it?

If you’re having even the least bit of doubt, definitely don’t do it.

I’m 38 and about to get divorced. Any advice? Shouldn’t I be sadder?

Fuck no. Congratulations. You’re getting out just in time for your mid-life crisis. It’ll be wonderful and terrible all at the same time. Do your best to grow as a person. Save your money. Don’t rush into anything.

I just broke up with my boyfriend and it was seriously the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Does that make me soft?

You’re soft now, but doing hard things is what hardens you.

I just got out of a pretty serious relationship. Hurt, but ultimately OK. Problem: before the relationship, I enjoyed having casual sex with various people. It was awesome. Now, however, I find the vast majority of people fairly gross. How do I get past this and start having fun again?

Time. It just takes time. Your heart is still sore from breaking, but don’t worry, you’ll have fun again. (And for the record, the vast majority of people have always been fairly gross. You just have a selective memory from the last time you were single.)

First real, long-term, “I love you” relationship; first breakup. General tips and pointers?

Step back and see the relationship as a whole, as something with a beginning, a middle and an end. Be sad for a minute, learn what you can from it, and then move the fuck on.

Is emotional closure a lie?

It can be. Usually it’s just an excuse to try and fuck you one last time.

On getting the fuck out

I tried to break up with my boyfriend a few days ago, and after yelling at me and throwing the things I was trying to pack, he physically barricaded the front door with his body (after bolting and locking it). He broke down crying and told me that he won’t let me leave and threatened self harm. He has openly told me that he attempted suicide multiple times as a teenager. I stayed because I am genuinely concerned for his safety but every instinct inside of me is screaming to get out of this. I love and care for him deeply, but I am well aware our relationship is toxic. I know I can’t control what he does to himself, but I just would like to know how you’d navigate this situation.

Pack up all your shit and get the fuck out. Do it as quickly as possible, preferably when he’s not around. The relationship is already over. You didn’t ‘try’ to break up with him. You did break up with him. Now he’s just using emotional blackmail to hold you hostage.

Quit worrying about his safety. He’s not going to kill himself. Even if he did hurt himself (which he won’t) it’s not your fault. He’s just saying fucked-up shit like that to manipulate you, which is all the more reason for you to run for the hills and never speak to this motherfucker again.

Set whatever feelings you have for him aside and simply leave. You don’t owe him an explanation or any further communication, and you are not responsible for his behavior.

Gather your strength and just fucking go.

On actually breaking it off

My boyfriend of 2 years told me he couldn’t marry me and we broke up. But now he still wants to talk to me everyday and still stop by my house. I know too that we were not a right match, but part of me just wants to cut him off so he understands what he is missing. Petty?

Not petty. Necessary.

He doesn’t get to break up with you and still creep around at his convenience. Fuck that. Tell him to lose your number and forget where you live.

This isn’t about him understanding what he’s missing. Don’t make it about him. This is about you moving on and enjoying whatever’s coming next.

On breaking up with a fuck buddy

I’ve been fucking this guy who’s a lot older than me. He’s a great fuck buddy and all (he was my first casual sex experience) but there’s also this guy I’ve been long-term flirting with and have real feelings for and am about to start an actual relationship with. So what’s the best way to say goodbye to my fuck buddy? I don’t want it to have to end like “Hey babe, why don’t you come over tonight?” “Oh sorry, I have a boyfriend now.” I just feel like that’s a little too crass.

I’m so going to miss the way he fucks though, ugh.

Tell him just like that. Say, ‘I’m going to miss the way you fuck.’

Don’t wait for a booty call. Give him a ring and invite him to lunch. That’ll probably be unusual enough for him to ask why, and you can either choose to tell him over the phone or wait and do it in person.

Either way, he’ll understand. He’s older. He’s a fuck buddy. He knew it was inevitable that you’d move on. He’ll act happy and be respectful.

After all, he’ll want to be at the top of your rebound list when you break up with the new boy.

On apologies, and letting go

I’ve just realized that I treated one of my exes very poorly during our break-up. I feel terrible about it and it was never my intention to be cruel, and I want to apologize. I understand this is just me trying to get rid of the guilt I’m suddenly feeling, but do you think it could be mutually beneficial? Should I try a short and direct call or email or just forget about it?

If you genuinely believe that an apology might have a positive effect on your ex, then it’s something to consider. If an apology will have a negative effect on your ex, and you’re just trying to get rid of the guilt, then don’t do it.

The whole point of an apology like this is that it’s not about you. It’s entirely about someone else’s feelings. The goal should be closure for your ex, and any benefit you derive from that is incidental.

On your first heartbreak

I’m currently going through my first heart break. And, christ, does it hurt. I’m 18, about to graduate as valedictorian and recently got accepted to my dream school, NYU. Last week I was living in ecstasy, and this week I can’t think of anything worse than getting out of bed in the morning knowing that there’s a 65% chance of seeing my ex (what a fucking awful term, ‘ex’). I’ve literally studied/worked my whole life to get to where I am now, so why should I be preoccupied by thoughts of sorrow caused by some asshole who thinks he can make do without me?

I shouldn’t, I know.

But it’s hard, Coke, I loved the shit out of that boy and I’ve never felt so lost and subordinate in my life.

Do you have any tips for a pitiful heartbroken teen who’s lost her sense of direction?

You’re preoccupied by thoughts of sorrow because you’re a batshit teenager. It doesn’t matter if you’re one of the smart ones, that’s just the way it goes.

Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. You haven’t lost your sense of direction. Losing your sense of direction is some shit that happens over time as life wears you down. You’re just a little dazed because you’ve had your ego shattered. At your age, that’s something you can recover from by listening to shitty music for a month.

Not that you want to hear it, but being dumped right now might be the best thing for you. Heartbreak sucks and all, but it’s better to learn what that process feels like now. You have plenty of time to get back up, dust yourself off, and head over to NYU with a bit more emotional maturity under your belt.

Trust me, in New York, having had this experience will be a helluva lot more valuable than the fact that you were valedictorian, so, as fucked up as it sounds, congratulations on your first heartbreak.

I just dumped my long-term bf who has depression and anxiety. I’m 100x happier now. Am I horrible person?

Nope. You should’ve dumped him sooner.

Can exes be friends?

Exes can be friendly. There’s a difference.

How do you deal with a relationship that has ended but the person just throws shit at you because their perception is that you abandoned them?

If you still have to deal with the relationship, then it hasn’t really ended, now has it?

When someone says, “I’ve fallen out of love with you,” does it really mean, “I think I can find someone better?” I just wanted to know if it’s a line like, “it’s not you” where it really means something else.

‘I’ve fallen out of love with you’ is significantly worse than ‘I think I can find someone better’, but you can’t see that because your wounded ego is trying to process your pain with jealousy instead of forgiveness.

I wonder if he still thinks about me.

Every once in a while, during masturbation.

Why does it hurt so much to find out that a recent ex-boyfriend is sleeping with a new woman? We’re not together anymore … so why does this kill more than the breakup did?

That’s what happens when stale jealousy mixes with fresh envy. It’s a brutal combo, and it’s also a big red flag that you’re not over him yet.

I’ve heard that the time it takes to get over a break up is half the time you were together. How long can I wallow before getting it together?

Quit watching Sex and the City reruns, go take a long hot shower, and then call up a couple of friends and make them drag your pathetic ass out into public.

On getting unstuck

I’m 41 and still stuck in a depression from a relationship that ended badly twenty years ago. I rarely get involved with people, and don’t even remember the last time I had sex. I feel stuck. Do you have any advice to unstick me?

Twenty years? Are you kidding me? Come on, now. Andy Dufresne didn’t spend that much time in Shawshank.

Whatever prison you think you’re trapped in doesn’t actually exist. That’s the good news. The bad news is you might still have to crawl through a river of shit before coming out clean on the other side.

You suffer from depression. Fine. Whatever. That doesn’t give you license to pin it on the twenty-year-old version of yourself. Just because you’re fixated on some bullshit that happened in the early nineties, that doesn’t mean it’s the ultimate cause of any present-day chemical imbalance.

If you’re clinically depressed, deal with it. Find a shrink and get some meds. Do the fucking work. Heal. On the other hand, if you’re just bummed out and full of excuses, then get over it already.

Either way, get your shit together. You’re capable of it.

On letting it go

Do you believe in the saying, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be”?

Fuck no. That’s just some simple bullshit people who believe in romantic destiny say when they’re going through the bargaining stage after getting dumped.

Nothing about your love life is ‘meant to be’, nothing is ‘yours forever’, and it’s silly to pretend you had any choice in the matter. You didn’t ‘let it go’. That shit got up and went.

On sob stories

hi, there. this is going to be a little hard for me to write out, but here goes. i was with this guy for about a year, and out of the blue, he breaks up for me. sure, i was broken hearted, but that i could learn to get over. about a month or so later, i had to abort the child my doctor told me i was likely to miscarry. i hold on to feelings of my ex, but i think it’s only because the thought of losing child always brings me back to him, to happier times. i talk to him on occasion, and he is friendly enough, because he knows. but i’m still in love with him. what should i do?

Oh, please. This is a carefully crafted story designed to suck sympathy out of everyone who hears it. I can spot drama queens like you a mile away, and I’m calling bullshit on your pity party.

You got knocked up. Your boyfriend broke up with you. You got an abortion. That’s the chain of events.

Of course, with girls like you nothing’s ever your fault. You’re never accountable for your own decisions and everything comes from out of the blue, so naturally this is all some romantic tribulation.

You want to know what to do? Well for starters, quit characterizing your abortion as an extrinsic manifestation of your failed relationship. That’s an incredibly unhealthy way to process the psychological trauma of terminating a pregnancy.

Next, quit romanticizing the past. It prevents an honest evaluation of what went wrong and cripples your ability to move on.

Finally, accept some responsibility for the choices you make and do everything in your power to fight off a victim mentality.

On the edges of relationships

A guy, a friend, who I’ve had a peripheral crush on for a year and a half is breaking up with his long-term girlfriend. What is the most respectful way to mention “hey, remember that time we joked around about how I would totally hit that if you weren’t in a loving, committed relationship? So for real now.”

Chill the fuck out. Seriously, take a deep breath and contain your glee at the prospect of jumping on this guy’s dick while it’s still warm from the ex-girlfriend’s dismount.

Think about the consequences. Unless you’re prepared to lose a friend in a flurry of awkward rebound sex, don’t offer yourself up as his break-up gift bag. Even if you don’t mind the potential mess, try and play it cool. Keep it simple. No strings, no bullshit.

You may just want a little sex, but anyone fresh out of a relationship can be a raw nerve. Don’t let your peripheral crush add to his drama.

If I am unhappy in my relationship, why do I feel more miserable over the prospect of ending it?

Because you mistakenly think that ending it is failure.

How can I deal with rejection better?

Never take it personally.

How do I let go of the only guy I’ve ever loved?

Quit using the words only and ever.

How does one act graceful right after being dumped?

Avoid contact. Rebound in public. Cry in private.

Why do men leave when things get tough?

Things? No, no. They leave when you get tough.

Can you fall out of love?

Just as hard.

How can i crush a man’s ego, rip it to shreds?

Be better than him without needing him.

When my boyfriend broke up with me, he said our relationship “filled him with existential dread.” What the fuck does that even mean? I know what existential dread is, but what does that have to do with our dearly departed relationship?

The relationship had your boyfriend contemplating the idea of forever, and it freaked him out. It was a polite (if pretentious) way of saying that the mere thought of spending the rest of his life with you terrified him.

I can’t break up with him because it’ll hurt him so much. I’ve never purposefully and knowingly caused someone that much pain.

You are not responsible for his emotional state. One more time for the cheap seats: you are not responsible for his emotional state. You are being held hostage by your boyfriend’s fragility. That’s disgusting. If you want out of the relationship, get the fuck out. Don’t make his weakness yours.

On brutal fucking truth

How do you get over a guy you never wanted to be broken up from? We had been together for five years. I know our relationship needed to change. There were communication issues and some lack of compassion near the end. But I always wanted to fight for us, whereas he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all. At times I have clarity and know I can’t be with him, not because of his refusal, but because I need more for myself than what our relationship was. But most of the time, I hope that we’ll end up with each other. We’ve been through a shit load, including an abortion which was a mutual decision, but left us both with the want to eventually have a family together. I’ve never done this before and I feel like I’m trapped inside of myself.

Ugh. I know your type. You’ve been annoying the shit out of your friends with this emotional autopsy for weeks now, and you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve distilled your shitty relationship down to a bunch of sad, tired, self-deluding clichés. This is going to seem cruel, but somebody needs to slap you upside the head with some brutal fucking truth.

I’m sorry, but your relationship didn’t ‘need to change’. That shit needed to end. He was fucking miserable, and you just didn’t know any better. Sure, it was great in the beginning, but that was half a damn decade ago. Neither of you are the same person any more, and if you’re honest with yourself you’ll start to acknowledge that your relationship probably ran its natural course in the first two years.

After that, he checked out emotionally, and you stubbornly refused to let it go. You wanna know what ‘I always wanted to fight for us’ really means? It means he was trying to break up with you for years, but you were so relentless that he couldn’t figure out how.

Oh, and I promise, he never wanted to have a family with you. Ever. Not even a little bit. That was just a bunch of bullshit he thought you needed to hear while he was holding his breath through your abortion. Yep. It’s terrible, but that’s what guys do.

You want some clarity? Let me be crystal fucking clear: he doesn’t love you any more. You two are never going to end up together. It’s time for you to accept that it’s over. Pull your head out of your ass and move the fuck on.

Yes, it hurts. No, it’s not fair. Tough shit. The sooner you get some emotional distance from this relationship, the sooner you’ll realize that there’s nothing particularly special about this guy other than the fact that you happened to fall in love with him.

Now, take a deep breath. Exhale. This was harsh, but it needed to be. The good news is you will get over him. The time you spent together wasn’t wasted. You will learn from this, and you will fall in love again, probably more than once. In the meantime, quit romanticizing the past. It’s time to start letting go.

On total fucking indifference

Hi, first of all I love you, don’t care who you are I’m just happy this exists. You’ve helped me stop being a doormat. But can you teach me how to ruin my ex’s life with my own self respect? We are part of the same group of friends and if I go off and start my own life I will be losing some of my friends, I think. I want to be around him but I want to be fair to myself and make him wish he didn’t fuck around.

I can teach you how to ruin your ex’s life, or I can teach you how to have self-respect. Those are mutually exclusive lessons, babe.

I highly recommend you choose self-respect. To whatever degree that allows you to be in the same room with him, that’s entirely up to you. I don’t know the circumstances of his particular fuckery, but odds are, he didn’t get wildly creative in his betrayal, just some garden variety episode of cheating.

In other words, he’s nothing special. Act accordingly.

Hit him with total fucking indifference. Mean it. Show him neither love nor hate. Let him neither charm nor annoy you. As difficult as it may seem, give him only the common courtesy afforded to strangers.

The trick here is for it not to be an act. It’s not that you’re trying to insult him by not laughing at his jokes. It’s that you simply don’t care. He doesn’t even get an eye roll out of you. Do you see what I’m getting at?

You’re not doing this for any desired effect on him, by the way. This is for you. Sure, it will drive him crazy in a way that you will enjoy, but try not to enjoy it. Be indifferent to that too. Well and truly give not one ounce of fuck about anything he says or does, and I promise, you will be content with the way things turn out.

Your friends will think you’re a badass, too.