On Friends

Do you think girls and guys can be friends?

Of course they can, and the underlying premise of this all-too-common question and the infantile assumptions it makes about gender, interpersonal relationships and human sexuality well and truly break my fucking heart.

How do you deal with an atrociously competitive best friend?

Refuse to compete.

How do you protect your dignity and not be an uptight bitch?

I surround myself with good people. Problem solved.

I can’t have kids. Hell, I don’t even like kids. So why did I burst into tears after my pregnant best friend told me I wouldn’t be able to handle it anyway?

Because not being able to have kids makes you feel broken, and your best friend basically just told you that you’re better off that way, which is super fucking insensitive of her.

Do you get better at choosing people as you go on? This year’s been full of getting burned by people I trusted.

You only get better at it if you actually change how you choose them.

Why do I absolutely hate the fact that my best friend stays friends with all of her exes? It makes my blood boil and I don’t know why.

If I had to guess, it’s probably a manifestation of your resentment over having to put up with her bullshit during the breakups.

Why do I hate it when my (privileged) college friends call my dad ‘blue collar’ and ‘salt of the earth’?

Because those phrases are code for poor and unsophisticated.

On jealousy

There is this girl I grew up with who is what society would deem “perfect”. She is smart, beautiful, and talented. She has an equally smart, beautiful, and talented boyfriend. She has a family that is so fucking put together, supportive, kind, and radically different from my own it makes me want to explode.

We have similar enough interests that it feels like anything I do, she can do infinitely better. She was born into better, and just simply was granted better genes. With this, a horrible jealousy emerges. I guess my question is, how do you deal with these seemingly perfect people?

I usually have sex with them.

That is to say, I enjoy them. Smart, beautiful and talented people are fucking awesome. Why be jealous? Besides, I guarantee your girl is just as fucked up as everybody else.

Listen, you weren’t born the Princess of Monaco, nor were you born in a refugee camp in Darfur. You’re in the fucking middle. We all are. On any given day, there are millions of people who’ve got one up on you, and there are millions of people who’d trade places with you in an instant.

Same goes for little miss perfect, by the way. You think she shits frozen yogurt and has a pet unicorn, but look at her with some distance and she’s just another middle-of-the-road, middle-class girl from Middle America.

Perfection is bullshit, especially with our half-retarded species. If she’s a cool chick, just be her friend and leave jealousy for the bitter kids to play with.

On not being a doormat

Are there any tips you can give a girl on how to be less of a doormat? I let people walk all the fuck over me, and I have pretty much my whole life. I know the response I’m going to get is probably something like “Well cut it out, tell people to fuck off.” I know it should just be as simple as that but it’s really just never been that easy for me. And if that’s really the only way, then cool, but I thought I would ask anyway.

Telling people to fuck off is easy. That’s not your problem.

Your problem is you’re terrified that they actually might go and fuck off.

Your fear of abandonment outweighs your need for a little respect, and so all the assholes that worm their way into your life tend to stay there because you’ll put up with their shit when other folks won’t.

Deal with your abandonment issues. Overcome your fear of losing people and replace it with the realization that your life would actually be better if all the assholes were out of it.

You have to be willing to lose people before telling them to fuck off has any weight behind it. Otherwise, an asshole will call your bluff every time.

This isn’t about being a hard-ass. It’s about having self-respect. No one else will ever respect you if you don’t first.

If someone doesn’t show you respect, let them know. Allow them to apologize. Do not turn the other cheek. If they fuck with you again, simply cut them out of your life.

Pretty soon, you’ll no longer need to tell people to fuck off, because you’ll be surrounded by good people who don’t treat you like a doormat.

Is it normal for a person to keep a detailed record of every single person they ever hooked up with? With pictures and attractiveness ratings.

No. No, no, no. Nooo.

I’m happy with my life and with myself, but there are people who get me down. They tell me that I’m “not doing something for social change,” that my open enjoyment of sex is a sign of low self-esteem and being dependent on men, and that I’m not doing something with my life. What do I do?

If you’re genuinely happy, then cut those people out of your life. If you can’t get rid of them altogether, then tell them to take their social and sexual politics, and stick ’em where the sun don’t shine.

How can I get friends that like me and that I like?

Like yourself first.

How do you make girl friends? Middle of college, my boyfriend and his friends are awesome, but I feel my social life is lacking.

Join something – a team, a group or a club. Pick one with other girls in it, and participate without your boyfriend.

I am constantly able to hear my neighbors having sex … what should I do?!

Record them, mix in some fresh beats, and drop a CD off on their doorstep.

On an asshole

I’m lonely. I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m surrounded by very positive feedback. I’ve earned it, since I’m a workaholic, I seek perfection in every aspect of my life, from diet and exercise to my wardrobe. I’m working on a novel and two screenplays, and I have three jobs.

I know I have the tendency to be a control freak, but I’m a very supportive person, and people always lean on me for advice or positive reinforcement. I’m tired of always being the one to initiate social situations, however. I ask people to do things all the time, but half the time they’re busy, or else I just wind up alone on weekends.

I don’t want to compromise my goals and dreams, but why do I feel so alone? I was popular in college – what happened?

This may be tough to swallow, but your real problem isn’t that you’re lonely. It’s that you simply haven’t realized yet that you’re an asshole.

Yes, that’s right. You are a magnificent asshole. You self-identify as a ‘workaholic’ – asshole. You say things like ‘I’m surrounded by very positive feedback’ and ‘I seek perfection in every aspect of my life’ without the slightest trace of irony – asshole. You brag about how many jobs you’re holding down and the number of projects you’re currently writing – asshole, asshole, asshole. I mean, come on. That was just your opening paragraph.

Don’t worry. Being an asshole is fairly common for people your age, especially overachievers who enjoyed popularity in college. The good news is that you don’t have to keep being an asshole.

All you have to do is chill the fuck out. Learn to be a serious person without taking yourself so damned seriously. Start recognizing when you’re coming off as persnickety, and stop being a control freak.

Nobody is asking you to compromise your goals and dreams. In fact, you should start reminding yourself that nobody gives a fuck about your goals and dreams. Most of the time, people don’t even give a fuck about what you say. All they really care about is how you make them feel.

So, how do you make the people in your life feel? The truth is, even though they know you’re a good person, you kind of annoy them. That’s why they only want to deal with you in small doses.

If you relax, pull the stick out of your ass, and quit treating life like it’s one big job interview, you’ll soon find that people will enjoy being around you more.

On another asshole

I fucking hate my roommate. I fucked her twice. She was annoying before I fucked her. But now, she is the epoch of annoying. Shes younger (21), not particularly mature, attention-seeking, and trashy as a tractor tire. When she speaks my skin crawls. This is a whole other universe of confronting ‘the real’. I’m not exclusive in this assessment either, our other roommate agrees. Shes unbearable. Now, however, because of some weak ass lease shit, we can’t kick her out. My strategy of headphones and attention denial isn’t helping me deal. I’m an asshole, and okay with it; it’s my fucking identity. I need a new strategy to get through the next few months.

Slow down there, charm school. Maybe your identity as a self-proclaimed asshole isn’t the way to go. Sure, you hate yourself for a lot of reasons, but how about acting like a compassionate human being for once?

I get it. You stuck your dick in an unbearable tractor tire. Twice. It’s actually a pretty transparent move, dude. Once you fucked her, you started projecting all of your self-hatred onto this poor girl. She’s your cum dumpster and emotional scapegoat all in one.

Listen, she’s not the one making your skin crawl. You are. It’s time for you to stop feeling so much hate, and a strategy of headphones will never help you deal. It’ll only distract you from the consequences of your shitty decisions.

Your new strategy should be to recognize that your own self-loathing is the root cause of your situation. Your new strategy should be to treat yourself and others with some fucking respect. Your new strategy should be to realize that there’s nothing else to this life but the time we spend loving other people.

Go ahead, spend the next few months being kind, thoughtful and generous. See if your whole world doesn’t change.

On yet another asshole

I am a kind, considerate, and generous person who is never appreciated for what I do for others. Here is a recent example: I shelled out more than 50 bucks in cab fare, bus fare, and groceries for a friend’s visit only to have him decide at the last minute to stay with our mutual friend, who happens to be his ex, instead of me, wasting the time and money I put into picking him up from the airport and feeding him. I don’t expect anything in return for my thoughtfulness and I don’t want to stop being considerate and generous, but I am really tired of being unappreciated and taken advantage of. How do I make my family and friends recognize this without becoming selfish? Moreover, am I an asshole for demanding that my friends and family recognize this? Do I just need to get over myself and stop expecting others to behave in a certain way, or is my annoyance in the previously mentioned example justified? Is it even worth mentioning to the friends in the previous example?

Fuck you.

No, really. Fuck you. You are not a kind, considerate and generous person who is never appreciated. What you are is a selfish twit who isn’t any good at being emotionally manipulative.

If you feel like someone owes you appreciation for a kindness, then it wasn’t a kindness. It was merely a service rendered in expectation of that appreciation.

That’s not generosity. That’s quid pro quo, and not recognizing the difference is what makes you yet another asshole.

On not an asshole

I’ve helped my friends deal with some heavy shit in the past and never expected any praise or recognition in return; really and truly. After a few series of events where I have needed a friend to help me out they all came up with an excuse to avoid me every time I needed a hand.

I’ve been a genuinely good friend to them so am I an asshole for feeling pissed that no one came through, or is it time to surround myself with new people?

You are not an asshole. Friendship is a two-way street. It’s time to surround yourself with new people.

What’s the best way to handle someone who is exhaustingly self-pitying?

Don’t put up with their behavior. Call them out. Be kind if you can, but tell them to shut the fuck up if necessary. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to enforce your own mental and emotional well-being. (Also, if someone drains you to the point of exhaustion, consider whether they need to be in your life at all.)

I find your advice “to cut people out of your life” to be overkill. It is great advice if you want to be alone and disliked. Dumb people take that shit seriously.

It’s not supposed to be a hobby, asshole. It’s an extreme measure for people in toxic situations with emotional vampires.

How do you recognize toxic people who feed off drama before they become a part of your life?

Recognizing them is easy. It’s just that most people find it difficult to not be fascinated by their bullshit.

My roommate expects me to treat her like a sick child while she’s hungover. She wants me to make her food, bring her juice, rub her head, etc. I feel like she brought the hangover on herself, so she should take care of herself the next day. Am I insensitive? Or is she an entitled brat?

Bitch can get her own juice.

So, we know where you stand on cheating and being the other man/woman but what do you think about telling someone they’re being cheated on? Do you think people have a right to know or should a third party just mind their own business?

There’s a lot to be said for minding your own business, but there’s also a good case for applying the golden rule – it really just depends on the situation. When you’re trying to balance compassion with discretion, let loyalty guide you further than honesty.

What do you do when your closest friend doesn’t reach out when she knows you’re having a tough time? I’m out of sight, out of mind.

How tough a time could it be if what you’re really complaining about is a lack of attention? Quit whining and call your shitty friend. If she’s still not there for you, take the fucking hint and adjust who she is to you.

On a fresh drinking problem

My best friend and I are both single after bad relationships; while my boyfriend was emotionally abusive, they broke up when her ex punched her in the face.

We made a joke of being slutty as possible this summer to spite our exes or something else that was logical after a couple drinks.

Unfortunately, I think she’s taking it too far.

She’s proceeded to morph into a drunken mess; she’ll get wasted and throw herself at anything with a penis. She’ll also be verbally abusive to our closest friends, and there’s been several nights where she just breaks down crying over her ex. When she’s sobered up, she acts like nothing happened.

She also keeps mocking me for keeping regular fuck buddies instead of sleeping with a new random every weekend like she does.

I’m worried about her, not just because this is self-destructive, but because she’s getting a bad reputation amongst our friends. Most have come to me and expressed a growing dislike for her and how if she keeps this up, no one is going to want to hang out with her anymore.

Everyone I’ve talked to about this has said I have to let her hit rock bottom but I don’t want that to happen. So what do I do to knock some sense into her?

Please ignore the idiots telling you to let your best friend hit rock bottom. That’s terrible advice. Rock bottom is for hardcore addicts unreachable by any other means, and your best friend isn’t an addict. Not yet, anyway.

At the moment, she’s just a hot mess with a fresh drinking problem. She’s in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, and she has no method of coping other than numbing herself with alcohol.

The whoring around isn’t coming from a healthy place either. There’s nothing wrong with a wild summer of no-strings sex, but she’s trying to fuck the pain away, and that never works for more than a few minutes.

As her best friend, it’s time to help her address her underlying pain. She’s coming out of an abusive relationship, and she needs to start processing her emotions sober. This isn’t about stopping her from drinking, nor is it about slut-shaming. The booze and boys aren’t the problem. They’re just symptoms.

Knocking some sense into her will require daytime heart-to-heart conversations about her behavior where she doesn’t feel cornered or judged. That can be tough. You have to come from a place of love and concern. You have to let her know that it’s not what she’s doing that’s the problem, it’s why she’s doing it.

She’s not drinking to celebrate. She’s drinking to annihilate. She’s not having sex to explore. She’s having sex to escape. If she’s ready to start dealing with her emotional pain in a healthier way, she will have to recognize the difference and consciously choose not to numb herself.

This stuff isn’t easy. It requires a high degree of emotional maturity on both of your parts. You’ll need to bring all of your patience and nonjudgment to the table, and she’ll need to bring all of her self-control and self-respect.

I hope she’s ready to hear you.

On the real reason he bugs you

After a year and a half, I finally realized why my roommate’s boyfriend bugs me: He’s boring. He’s a perfectly nice, perfectly attractive, perfectly successful functioning adult, but he has nothing terribly interesting to say, or at least not to me. Then, when my roommate is together with her boyfriend, she feeds off his Wonderbread loaf of a personality and ceases to be an exciting person with creativity and dreams.

Am I wrong to think like this? Am I just a jealous single bitch? Am I just as equally boring for hanging out with these boring people?

Yeah, it’s all about you, isn’t it?

Your roommate’s boyfriend isn’t boring. You’re just bored by your roommate’s boyfriend. See the difference? Of course you don’t, because you’re the center of the whole damn universe.

After a year and a half, what you should have finally realized is that you’re an incredibly self-centered girl who gets annoyed when the people in your life stop playing whatever role it is that you’ve assigned to them.

You don’t seem to care how your roommate actually feels. You just care that she continues playing the role of the ‘exciting person with creativity and dreams’. Whose dreams are we talking about, anyway? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess yours, because it sounds like your roommate is pretty darned happy in her relationship with a perfectly nice, perfectly attractive, perfectly successful functioning adult.

Take a step back and ask yourself: why would a perfectly nice, perfectly attractive, perfectly successful functioning adult have nothing terribly interesting to say to you? Is it because he’s boring? Is it because you’re boring?

Nope and nope. Shocking as this may seem, he has nothing terribly interesting to say to you because he doesn’t exist to hold your interest. Sorry, babe. He’s not there for your entertainment. Neither is your roommate.

I know your type. You don’t feed off of chaos and drama. You’re not an evil person, but still, you quietly exist as an emotional singularity around which everyone else in your world revolves.

Unfortunately, your roommate’s boyfriend doesn’t love you or hate you. He does nothing to piss you off or make you laugh. It’s not that he’s boring. It’s that he’s in your world and yet totally indifferent to you.

That’s the real reason he bugs you.

What is the proper etiquette when discovering a friend of yours on a sex cam website?

Masturbate quietly to yourself as you shut the fuck up about it.

I feel like I want to break up with him, but I have no other friends.

You will make some.

I’m in love with my best friend. He hasn’t accepted that he’s honestly bisexual yet. I don’t know how to proceed. Help?

Stop sucking his dick.

Is going to a music festival on your own tragic?

Hell no. Rock out. Make new friends.

What’s the best way to mentally/emotionally deal with a stupid, little, irrational, yet persistent, crush on your best friend’s boyfriend?

Quit it. Recognize that the crush is an unhealthy manifestation of envy.

Do you owe your close friends the duty of telling them that the guy they are dating is a bratty man child? Or do you allow them to make their own choices?

You owe your close friends the duty of not being a cunt. Good luck.

my best friend thinks i’ve been talking shit, when i love her like a sister, i’m so enraged i just want to give up on this friendship completely

Yeah, that last part about giving up on the friendship? That’s you talking shit, which means she’s right about you, even if she’s wrong. Chill the fuck out, drama queen.

How do you deal with pretentious assholes?

Relentless mind fucking followed by total disregard.

When are the appropriate times to tell a person to fuck off?

During eye contact.

On shaming an aggressive drunk

it turns out a friend of some of my friends won’t take any form of no as an answer from women when he’s blackout drunk besides literal punches to the face. he hasn’t raped anybody that i know of, but he does extended following, aggressive cornering, unwanted touching, turning rejection into flirting, and he forced my friend to make out with him until she could get away. how do i negotiate talking to him about his behavior and continuing to operate within a group of friends that he’s nonnegotiably part of?

Normally I prefer not to respond to submissions this sloppy, but your underlying question is too important to ignore. What you’re asking is how to deal with a person in your sphere of friends who becomes inappropriately sexual and physically aggressive when he’s intoxicated.

If I was in your shoes, I’d first build a coalition within the group. I would speak individually to each friend I knew would support me, and I’d get them to agree that the guy’s behavior is inappropriate and should no longer be tolerated.

Spread the responsibility for monitoring his behavior around to as many people in your group of friends as possible. Make sure they understand that it’s a problem that needs correcting, and that it’s okay for them to actually do something to correct it.

As for talking directly to the guy, don’t wait until he’s drunk and acting up before you have the discussion with him. Sit him down when he’s sober and let him know that he can’t continue to behave that way. Shoot him straight. Tell him exactly what he’s done wrong and why he can’t continue behaving that way.

After you’ve had the talk with him, if he continues acting inappropriately, that’s when you call him out in front of the group. Use shame as your tool to alter his behavior when he’s drunk.

On the rules of attraction

I just wanted to ask you to speak more on “on a girl code violation.” My best friend is a guy (I’m a gal) and he had a fling with another guy. After that ended, the two of us got involved, harmless fucking. It stopped and now the boyfriend is back in the picture and I’m the “other woman.” I lost both of them as friends, even the one I considered my best friend, who I fucked, because they agree I hurt the boyfriend, just as the previous girl was saying she was hurt.

I don’t see myself as pathetic, they broke up and I wasn’t that close to the boyfriend anyway. If he had cheated with me I’d get it, but the relationship was over…move the fuck on. It was the boyfriend who fucked another person immediately after getting out of a longterm relationship. Why I am the “pathetic” one deserving pity? Isn’t the boyfriend in both situations the asshole?

The relationship obviously wasn’t over. If it was, they wouldn’t be back together. A breakup isn’t necessarily the same thing as the end of a relationship, and a best friend should know the damn difference.

Besides, what the fuck are you doing hopping in the sack with your best friend right after he comes out of a long-term relationship? You’re insane to think that kind of thing is harmless, and you’re an idiot if you think it’s consequence-free.

Fucking him may not have been cheating, but only by a technicality. It was still a monumentally sketchy move on both your parts, one that you were too stupid or too thoughtless to know was a mistake. Either way, tough shit.

All three of you sound like assholes from a Bret Easton Ellis novel, but if you’re wondering why you are the pathetic one deserving pity, it’s because you’re basically a fag hag who got rebound fucked and then tossed out like garbage.

That sucks, babe, but maybe this will teach you the real meaning of ‘fling’ and ‘harmless fucking’.

On a broken-people magnet

I seem to be a broken-people magnet. They come to me with their problems and because no one else will step up, I try and help them and end up wasting time that I don’t even have to waste. How do I walk away from this? Some of these people are suicidal and refuse help, I can’t just leave them like that. I need to focus on my own life right now and I can’t keep doing this. What do I do?

You are a broken-people magnet because you yourself are broken. You don’t recognize your brokenness, of course. You think you are helping, and no doubt you provide a certain kind of support, but it’s not healthy, especially for you.

Here’s the thing you need to understand: people don’t come to you with their problems. That’s just your way of framing it, and it removes your agency from the equation. What you must acknowledge is that you allow people to burden you with their problems. You allow it.

You allow people to burden you with their problems because you are an enabler with boundary issues who feeds off of being in overfunctioning/underfunctioning relationships.

It makes you miserable, but it also validates you, and you’d rather be miserable than invalidated. That’s the part that cuts to the core of who you are. You’re a person who is so desperate to be validated that you let emotional vampires feast on your time and energy just so you can feel needed.

That’s where you’re broken. That’s the part of you that needs to be fixed, and ironically, there’s no one out there who can fix you the way you keep trying to fix other people. You have to do it. You have to learn how to establish boundaries. You have to recognize when you’re overfunctioning in a relationship. You have to find healthy ways to validate yourself without enabling people.

You say you can’t keep doing this and that you need to focus on your own life right now. Okay, then. Stop doing it. It really is that simple. Just stop. Refuse to allow all these broken people to burden you with their problems.

Oh, but wait. That little voice in your head is already crying out, ‘But no one else will step up. I can’t just leave them like that.’ Yes you fucking can. Not only that, you should.

That little desperate voice is the sound of your brokenness, because it’s not coming from a place of healthy concern. It’s coming from a place of pathological need. It’s coming from your emotional void.

This isn’t about you becoming heartless. This is about you having enough self-respect, self-worth and internal validation that you no longer need these sad broken people in your life.

If you recognize your unhealthy patterns that are filling an unhealthy need, if you find some internal validation, if you have a little self-respect, I promise, the broken-people magnet will shut off automatically, and you’ll be free to enjoy the company of unbroken people, because you won’t be broken any more yourself.