On Family

My father is dying. I just want someone to tell me it will all be okay.

It will, but your father dying will also permanently alter your meaning of okay. This process is going to change you. Don’t be afraid of it, and do your best not to shrink away from the painful and difficult parts.

I told my dad I was gay. He said he loves me but *God willing* I’d be able to turn straight one day. Please help. I don’t know what to do right now.

You don’t have to do anything. You’re fine for now. Eventually, your father will be the one to change. If he is a decent man who loves you, his ignorance will slowly start to wear away into compassion, then understanding, then acceptance. It will take time, so be patient and be strong.

Why is it that every time I think of my dad, I get sad? He’s alive and I see him all the time. Is it because I feel like he’s sad? Because I love him and never tell him I do?

Yes. Congratulations. You just went through six months of therapy in 41 words. Now go tell your dad that you love him.

Will going back home ever not make me feel like I’m suffocating?

Maybe, but you’ll have to make yourself a new home before going back to the old one doesn’t suffocate you any more.

On cutting her out of your life

For years me and my brother have been living with abuse from my mother. She’s had a rough life riddled with the most terrible shit and mental illness to go with it.

Recently, we’ve come to the end of our ropes with her. The abuse has affected both of us in our adult lives – manifesting in social anxiety and fear of confrontation.

I want to cut her out of my life, but I don’t know if I should just stop speaking to her forever or write a letter detailing the harm done and why I can no longer have her in my life.

To make the whole thing more difficult, and honestly the reason why we’re still in contact with her at all, she threatens to kill herself whenever anyone confronts her about this behaviour. A part of me is afraid of pushing her over the edge, because we’re all she has left. But, I guess another part of me is wanting to call her bluff.

Is my thinking clear? Am I completely fucked up on the matter? I feel altogether ill-equipped for this situation. While I want to choose inaction, she’s been forcing my hand by harassing me with messages.

Thank you for listening if you have the time. I hope you’re keeping hydrated.

Write the letter, but write it for yourself knowing that you’re not going to send it to your mother. Be brutally honest, don’t edit yourself, and put it all down on paper. It will be a useful exercise in expressing exactly what you wish you could say to her.

Once you’ve written it, set it aside for a while. Come back to it whenever you need to add more thoughts. Feel free to start new drafts. Let it become a living document, a reference for all the negative shit you feel. Give it a while for the message to solidify and become strong.

In the meantime, try not to interact with your mother unless it’s on your terms. Establish firm boundaries and practice enforcing them. Eventually, your goal will be to only have contact when and if you want it. Cutting her out of your life will be a process, so don’t stop speaking to her all at once. Like you said, you aren’t equipped for that yet.

She may be your mother, but you’re the one who makes the rules now. She doesn’t get to force your hand. Don’t give her that power, and don’t let her manipulate you with threats of self-harm.

Remember, you can’t choose inaction. All of this will be a deliberate, active choice, so let it be a conscious decision that comes from a place of strength.

On the evil stepmother

My dad left my mother for a difficult woman when I was 21. At first, I tried to make nice with the lady, which proved complicated, seeing as she repeatedly put down my father in front of me and the rest of his family. He allowed it and I decided that however painful it was to watch him shrink like that, it was his business, not mine.

One night, she got a bit drunk and began to attack my then-boyfriend at dinner, mocking him in a language he did not speak. I stood up for him. She then turned on me. I stood up for myself. She proceeded to shout that I was a spoiled brat (I was 25), that my father didn’t need me in his life, and that she wanted me out of it. When I turned to my dad in disbelief, he cowered and sided with her. That was in 2005.

My dad and I resumed a relationship a year later, but he was not there for my wedding in 2010, arguing that his new wife had not been invited and that she was expecting an apology from me. He said he wanted me to have a relationship with her, and I said I gladly would, but that he shouldn’t expect me to roll over if she becomes aggressive with me. He said he didn’t want any conflict, and so he’d rather we left it at that. I love my dad, so it still hurts. It’s taken me the better part of the decade to accept that my father has no courage.

Here’s my issue: I want my future children to have a granddad. While he’s made huge efforts to mend the relationship, things with his wife are the same. My husband and I sometimes fantasize about showing up at their doorstep and acting like nothing happened, actively ignoring their bullshit and enjoying my father full-time again. Is that a bad idea? If so, what else can I do?

It takes a certain kind of soul-stained bitch to seek out married men as potential husbands, especially married men with children. People like that don’t change, and even though it’s been a decade, your stepmother still sees you as a potential threat to her marriage.

You will always be the strong-willed stepdaughter that she can’t control, and therefore, you will always be an enemy, just as she considered your mother to be an enemy ten years ago when she was pulling her textbook homewrecking maneuver on your family.

It’s an ugly way to go through life, one that I doubt she would even admit to herself, but one that nonetheless is affecting your family dynamic to this very day. You need to start acknowledging this. I’m not suggesting you take her on as your enemy. That’s a waste of negative emotion. Instead, you should simply recognize that she considers you to be her enemy, and wherever possible, use it to your advantage.

You will always be your father’s daughter. Nothing will ever change that. On the other hand, your stepmother might lose her edge one day or your dad might grow some balls, and suddenly she could be out of the picture for good. That is the source of your power. Never forget it.

Of course, your instincts are correct. You’re the one with the power, but the best use of your power is in not having to wield it at all. Simply ignore her. Show up at their door and act like nothing ever happened. Let your stepmother be of no consequence to you whatsoever.

Remember, if you don’t let her under your skin, she can’t interfere with your relationship with your father.

On unburdening yourself

A family friend used to molest me for years. I never said anything to my mom as I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me. Three of my friends who didn’t know one another had reported he had touched them, at three completely different times. My mom called all three of them liars, and would still ship me over to Uncle Perv’s house for unsupervised sleepovers for the weekend. It makes me sick to my stomach even typing this now, as it’s the first time I’ve even admitted to myself that this happened.

I’m in my late 20s now and have grown very distant from my family. Other than the obligatory phone call on birthdays and holidays, I avoid them at all costs.

My question is, do I tell my mom now? She is still close with this “uncle” figure. And, frankly, I don’t see how telling her will be a benefit. She can’t change the past and all it will do is make her potentially hate herself. I feel I am a well-adjusted adult, but I just want to completely cut all ties with my family so I never have to think about it again.

You may be a well-adjusted adult, but that doesn’t mean you’re emotionally healthy. Your abuse is still very much an unresolved issue, and while you may have found methods of coping, you haven’t found any peace.

An emotionally healthy person wouldn’t want to cut all ties with her family to avoid processing her childhood sexual trauma. I’m sure you’ve got plenty of other reasons for avoiding your mom, but Uncle Perv shouldn’t have to be one of them.

It’s pretty clear your mother has a powerful mechanism for denial, and I think you’re afraid of it. I get the feeling that on some fundamental level, you very much want to tell your mother what happened, but you’re worried that her denial will allow her to somehow keep this man in her life.

In other words, you’re afraid that if you tell her, she’ll pick him over you.

Well, you’ve got to look past that. You can’t change what happened, but you can’t deny it either, and you’re not going to find any peace until you tell your mom the whole truth. She probably won’t handle it well, but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that you unburden yourself. This is for you, not her. You deserve to move past this.

My dad left when I was five. Twenty years later and today I finally got The Apology Letter. Why don’t I feel better?

Because fuck him, that’s why. An apology letter doesn’t mean shit. At best, it’s a souvenir of his absence. At worst, it’s a self-serving attempt at emotional manipulation. Set the letter aside and let his actions speak instead.

My dad isn’t willing to change his abusive and manipulative behaviors, so why does it scare me so much that he could die when we aren’t on speaking terms?

Because you still think your father’s behavior is a matter of will.

Why can’t my mom just be happy for me?

Because there’s nothing in it for her.

Caught him fucking my sister. Him, I can dump. What do I do about her?

Be rightfully pissed as long as you need to be. Eventually forgive her, and then never trust her around your man again.

On forgiveness

I’m 27 and have been estranged from my father for nearly a decade. When he left us, he took off with the woman he was cheating on my mother with.

Life with him before he left us was hell. He was, and presumably still is, an abusive alcoholic. I vividly remember him picking me up by the back of my shirt when I was about 7 and throwing me down the hall. He would mercilessly beat the only dog I ever owned until I literally threw myself on the dog to make him stop.

I remember him getting hammered on more than one occasion and tearing apart furniture, then throwing the pieces at me and telling me I “ruined his fucking life.” When I was 16, I had my first boyfriend, and when I came home half an hour late after going to a movie with him my father screamed at me in the middle of the street, calling me a filthy slut, among other colorful things.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, but it gives you a general idea of what kind of person he is.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I got a call from a police officer saying my father had gone in to put out a missing persons report on me. The officer explained that my father told him that what he really wanted was to reconnect with his family. No missing person report was made (because, as the officer explained, estrangement does not equal “missing”), but the officer did ensure my father he would contact me and pass along a phone number where my father could be reached, which he did.

I still have the number and am debating calling. The only reason why I’m on the fence is because recently my aunt mentioned she heard something about him possibly having pancreatic cancer.

While that’s a pretty awful hand to be dealt, I don’t really feel any sympathy for him after the way he treated me and my family. But for some reason I’m feeling guilty; like I should call him at least once before he dies. However, the more logical part of me is saying, “No, he doesn’t just potentially have cancer, he IS cancer and screw it if he’s your biological father. You never asked to be related to this jerk and you don’t owe him anything.”

Am I wrong for wanting to go back to pretending he doesn’t exist or should I call him one last time?

Like it or not, your father does exist. You don’t owe him anything, but it might be a good idea to say goodbye. If he does have pancreatic cancer, he’s not gonna be around for very long. If he dies without you getting some sort of closure, it’s gonna mess with your head for the rest of your life.

Consider making your peace with him. That doesn’t mean you have to let him back into your life. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Still, you need to forgive him. It doesn’t matter whether your father deserves it. The forgiveness is for your sake, not his.

Find a way. Take the time before you call. Dig deep, and truly forgive him. Let go of all that anger and resentment. That stuff is more toxic than he is.

Feel free to keep your distance from your father, but communicate with him to whatever extent you need to get the emotional poison out of your system. I promise, you’ll feel better. It’s a powerful thing to forgive.

On things you can trust

I think my dad is cheating on my mum.

I know this kind of thing happens all the time, but it’s pretty gutting nevertheless.

I found out when I borrowed my dad’s laptop. He forgot to delete his history and log out of some swingers website. His phone constantly beeps with new messages. So, nosy bitch that I am, I had a look through his “profile” and messages on this website. Well, ignorance is indeed bliss.

What I need help on is, what do I do? I’m very close to my mum, but she’s coming out of a very rough year of mental health problems which boiled down to low self-esteem and suppressed emotions from a previous bad relationship. The family as a whole is going through a tough time as it is because my younger brother is in Afghanistan. I feel that if I was to share any information with her, it would bring her right back down at a time where she needs to stay positive.

I don’t know whom to talk to about this. If a girl can’t trust her daddy, whom can she trust?

Before you earn yourself a lifetime subscription to a pile of useless daddy issues, I highly recommend you talk to a therapist about this.

It sounds like your mom already has a shrink or two on speed-dial, so have her set you up an appointment as soon as possible. Don’t tell her why. In fact, don’t confront either of your parents about this until you’ve started sorting it out in your own head with the help of a professional.

Just tell your folks that you want to talk with someone about things at school and your brother being in Afghanistan. Hell, you’re a teenager. You don’t need much more of an excuse than that.

Once you’re in a therapeutic environment, take your time with this. You are not obligated to do anything, and whatever else happens, don’t feel like suddenly having this information is somehow forcing you to make a choice between your mother and your father.

This isn’t your burden. It’s not your job to referee your parents’ marriage, and the point here isn’t to address the infidelity. The point here is to make sure that you get through this in as healthy a way as possible.

This is about you, not them. You’re at the tail end of your adolescence, and you’re neck-deep in the phase when you start recognizing how flawed your parents really are. How you process this stuff plays a huge role in how you will eventually form relationships as an adult.

You’re having to come to terms with the reality that your parents’ marriage is a complicated and messy thing. That’s tough even in the shiniest of sitcom families. It will be an exercise in patience and forgiveness, but you can get through it.

Just remember, sweetheart, you can still trust. You can trust that regardless of their flaws, your parents want the best for you. You can trust that no matter what, both your mom and your dad will always love you very much.

On Christmas spirit

This holiday season is killing me.

For some reason, this year the Christmas lights and the shoppers and the music are bothering me more than they ever have.

I told my mom I didn’t like Christmas anymore and she just started crying, so I can’t realistically renounce the holiday…

Do I just need to get over myself and go with it?

Apologize to your mother. Tell her you were in a bad mood, and you didn’t know what you were saying, because you didn’t.

Feel free to remain disgusted with the tacky decorations and crass commercialism and cheesy music, because that shit is awful. It always was and always will be. That’s not Christmas. Well, it is, but that’s not what you’re going to define as Christmas, okay?

Your mom could give two shits about the shopping and the lights. She wasn’t crying because you aren’t excited about going to the mall. She was crying because the holidays are an emotionally overwhelming time for everyone, and she can see your teen angst coming a mile away.

She took it personally when you said you didn’t like Christmas any more, because in her mind, Christmas is about family. You were rejecting her with that statement, even though you didn’t mean to. Trust me, all she wants is some quality time and a little tradition. She’s worried that she’s losing you, and she’s about had it with your shitty attitude.

Redefine Christmas in your head. Only keep the good stuff. Separate out all the tacky bullshit. Seriously, kid. Do you blame the band for the annoying crowds and horrible traffic after a concert? Fuck no. You can bitch about it, but it has nothing to do with the show. Same rules apply here.

Renounce the crowds. Renounce the music. Hell, renounce Christ if you want, but don’t go around renouncing the importance of the holidays. Family tradition is more important than you’re capable of understanding at your age. There’s no way to say that without sounding condescending, so fuck it. Would it kill you to plaster on a smile and make your mom happy?

I didn’t think so.

I haven’t come out to my parents mainly because I vividly remember my mom telling me that she “likes gays, just not in our family.” Is it awful of me to put off telling them until after they pay for college?

If your parents would cut you off for coming out of the closet, then you should probably hold out for some therapy money too.

I walked downstairs to find my dad rushing away from the computer and pulling up his pants the other night. How do I act around him now?

Loudly, especially as you walk down the stairs.

Today is the 7th anniversary of my brother’s death. I know heaven doesn’t exist and that he isn’t watching over me. Does it make me stupid and/or a hypocrite to still “talk” to my brother when I miss him?

Talk to your brother all you’d like. There is no heaven, and he’s not watching over you, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still very much a part of you.

I’m thinking of coming out to my extended family over Thanksgiving dinner. Should I do it before or after dessert, and with or without graphic details of why I am getting a sex change?

Don’t make Thanksgiving dinner all about your giblets. That’s tacky. Let everyone finish their pie before telling them about the sex change.

On your mom

I just found nude pictures of my mom, addressed to a woman who was at her wedding. She has suggested in the past that this woman and her husband are swingers, but she said she’s “not into that”.

What the fuck do I do?

Put the pictures back where you found them. Make a mental note to never, ever look at them again. Take a deep breath, meditate for a moment on the fact that you owe your existence to your mom getting laid, and then laugh hysterically at the whole situation.

On understanding suicide

Three years ago my brother tried to commit suicide. He was fifteen then, which is how old I am now. A month ago he tried to kill himself again. He came home from the hospital a week ago, and I’m ecstatic to have him back again, but I’m also extremely angry at him. He didn’t see my mom just about die or my dad break down, or my sister fly halfway across the country to come home for him. My family almost fell apart over this, and it kills me to know that, and I know that if he knew that it would hurt him too. For three years I’ve been trying to figure out why he tried to kill himself, and I still can’t grasp it. I understand depression and I deal with SAD myself, but I just can’t see why he hates his life so, so much. We live a lovely life, he’s a smart kid, and extremely popular. People adore him. And more importantly, we love him. So I just don’t understand why my brother hates his life so much. Am I being selfish or ignorant? How can I understand my brother better? I’d really like to.

You say you want to understand your brother, but I get the feeling that you’d rather your brother just understand you.

You’re angry, and you want him to see the world as you see it. You want him to acknowledge his lovely life, his popularity, and how much he is adored.

In your mind, you think those external conditions are enough to keep him from wanting to kill himself. You’re the type who says, ‘If only he knew how much we loved him, he wouldn’t want to kill himself.’

You couldn’t be more wrong. This isn’t about you.

Once again, this isn’t about you. You have to know that. It has to be your guiding principle when talking with your brother about this.

Don’t assume that he hates his life. Those are your words. Did you ask him why he attempted suicide? Don’t assume that he feels popular or adored just because you see him that way. Do you know how your brother feels about himself ?

Ask him.

Start a conversation with him. Don’t challenge him. Don’t try and help him. Don’t even come from a place where you assume he needs help. Just come from a place of unconditional love.

If you want to understand your brother, talk to him about life and death rather than his suicide attempts. Talk to him about love and relationships rather than his popularity. Talk to him about his purpose and his future rather than his depression.

We’re all going to die one day. The fact that your brother tried to speed up the process probably isn’t the most interesting thing about him. Find out what is.

On living in sin

How do I break it to my religious, highly conservative parents that I’m moving in with my boyfriend? Just to provide some context: they got me a “purity ring” for Christmas when I was fourteen, and they likely still maintain delusions of my virginity. I don’t want to hurt them, and I really don’t want to irreparably damage my relationship with them, but I need to move on with my life and I feel like it’s time that I stop living according to their values and not my own. Every time my mom hears about someone moving in with their significant other before marriage, she snarks about “living in sin.” Is there a way to manage this situation respectfully and relatively calmly?

I don’t know your age, but I’m guessing early twenties. Based on your grammar and punctuation, I’m also guessing college-educated. In other words, you’re an adult – young, but nonetheless fully capable of making life decisions according to your own set of moral standards.

It’s good that you want to remain respectful, but you need to start making a distinction between showing respect for your parents and showing respect for their belief system. They aren’t the same thing.

Showing respect for your parents means being honest and straightforward with them about your decision to move in with your boyfriend. It also means being patient as they come to terms with the fact that you’re an adult who makes her own decisions. Beyond that, though, you don’t have to put up with their conservative religious bullshit.

No doubt their ideology is deeply intertwined with their identity, so don’t be surprised when your parents take an open rejection of their values personally. You’ll also find them rather impervious to rational discussion, which means you’re going to have to accept a certain measure of disapproval as an inevitability.

Get comfortable with the fact that you’ll never change their minds, know that they love you, and don’t ever expect their approval. I’ll say it again, because it’s the most important thing you can possible learn from this: know that your parents love you, but don’t ever expect their approval.

Moving in with your boyfriend might be a huge mistake. Then again, it might be the best decision you’ll ever make. It’s impossible to know, and that’s not the point. What matters is that you give these decisions careful consideration and start making the best possible choices for yourself that you can make according to your own set of moral standards.

It’s okay that your value system is different, and if ‘living in sin’ damages your relationship with your parents, so be it. Just remember, you won’t be the one doing the damage. They will.

On pressure to have kids

My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 3 of them. Even before we were married, but especially after, there has been a lot of pressure for us to have kids. Coquette, we just don’t wanna.

We like our lives just as they are. We get to take nice trips and drive nice cars. We just don’t have that urge to be parents.

I do flip flop on this decision every now and then, usually when a close friend has a baby or sometimes when my parents put the “you are robbing us of grand parenthood” pressure on extra thick. I turned 35 yesterday so the point of no return is looming ever closer.

Are we making a huge mistake?

Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, it’s you and your husband’s decision to make. No one else’s.

I’m sure your parents are lovely people, but fuck what they think. Fuck the pressure they put on you to make major life decisions for their sake, and fuck their selfish desire to become grandparents at your expense.

This is the world our parents made. The American Dream is a smoldering pile of shit. We’re stuck cleaning up their mess, and yet somehow we’re robbing them of grand-parenthood? Fuck them. That’s what they get for robbing an entire generation of the economic security it takes to responsibly become parents.

Fuck every last Baby Boomer who feels entitled to give any of us shit for our choices. They’re so used to having all their dreams come true, they don’t even know how insulting that shit sounds.