On Work

On being an artist

What’s the difference between an artist and a craftsman? I’ve always wanted to be an artist but my dad is adamant that artists are born, not made, and the most I’d ever be is a crafts person, which is better left as a hobby. I’m 27, is it too late?

Your dad is a dream-killing asshole. He’s also wrong about artists being born. There’s nothing magical about being an artist. Artists make themselves, so if you have art in you, go make it. That’s not to say it will ever become your career, but who gives a shit? Just because you keep your day job, that doesn’t mean you’re not an artist.

(Oh, and since you asked, an artist masters a medium for the sake of the artist’s expression. A craftsman masters a medium for the sake of the mastery of the craft itself. It’s a subtle distinction with quite a bit of overlap.)

On being an expert

I just graduated and got an ‘important’ government job. I can’t handle people regarding me as an expert. It’s frightening for me, and it should be frightening for the world.

Oh, please. None of us know what we’re doing. We’re all faking it. Every last one of us, especially the experts. Our species has consistently been wrong about almost everything we’ve ever thought or believed.

So, as a freshly minted expert, work hard, do your best not to fuck things up, and don’t take your important government job so damned seriously, because human civilization is just a thin topcoat of sheer dumb luck, and it could all collapse at any moment.

On finishing what you start

I have one semester of college left, and I just found out I got a job in Los Angeles working at a non-profit. So this white girl from a decently well off family is about to move across the country to make just under $1,200 a month. My parents are begging me not to, and promised no financial support. I’m not too worried because I’ve been working two jobs since I was a sophomore and have a couple thousand of my own to get me started along with a true streak of Irish stubbornness. Any advice? (also just to make it super obvious I have no interest in tv/movies/etc except to watch so I’m not trying to catch a break)

Get your fucking degree, you idiot. You’ve come this far. Finish what you start.

It’s not like you’re ducking out of your last semester because you found venture capital for your tech startup. You’re just in a stupid hurry to earn slave wages. Don’t waste three-and-a-half years of educational investment for a false start at a shitty nonprofit gig.

Chill the fuck out. Los Angeles will still be here in a couple months. So will any number of entry-level jobs in the non-profit sector with low pay, no benefits, and absolutely zero possibility for advancement.

Working two jobs as a college student doesn’t mean shit, either. You have no clue what’s about to be expected of you as a full-time employee. Those fuckers are gonna work your punk ass like a rented mule, and in six months to a year, after your dreams have been crushed and you’re both physically and spiritually exhausted, you’ll wish you had a bachelors degree on your résumé.

Don’t fuck up here. Be smart. Take a deep breath, knock out your last semester, and save up some more money. There will be plenty of time to make poor life decisions once you get to Los Angeles.

I worked at a shitty job for 8 months, they made my life hell just so they could get me to leave. My unemployment is almost done, why do I keep obsessing over their social media accounts and why can’t I move on?

Because you’re young and entitled and you’re not used to having your ass kicked.

I’m a high end escort. Is it wrong to sleep with men I know are married and/or cheating, even though I’m getting paid?

Willfully participating in infidelity is pretty much the only ethical gray area of your job, but in terms of moral high ground, that still puts you above the average lawyer.

Can you help me articulate why I feel blinding anger when, after doing something unprofessional and shitty, my boss apologizes and says, “Are we cool?” and if I don’t say “Yes,” he pouts? What is the exact phrase for the manipulative bullshit he is pulling?

He’s not apologizing. He’s trying to excuse himself, and he’s demanding your complicity. Real apologies don’t come with emotional strings attached.

Which is more obnoxious: for me to accept nepotism to get a job I may end up loving, or to refuse nepotism because “I don’t want to get a job that way”?

Don’t be an asshole. If you can get a dream job through family connections, fucking take it. Just be worthy of it. Pay your dues. Work your ass off.

A man that I met while traveling in Europe is launching a Bitcoin exchange, and wants to launch a social networking site in tandem with it. I am a community manager between gigs. He recently offered to buy a plane ticket and pay my salary for the next two months before I start my Masters in the fall. This doesn’t seem like a real thing.

Yeah, unless your dad is Liam Neeson, you might wanna consider a little extra due diligence before accepting this gig.

On the boss’s wife

I recently got written up at work for calling the boss’s wife, “the boss’s wife” the first time I met her. We have the same title and position at work and I’m a pretty lighthearted and sarcastic guy at times. Who was wrong? Me for jokingly referring to her that way or her for shoving that stick up her ass far enough to complain to HR?

Fuck who was wrong. This ain’t about that. You need to quickly wrap your head around how badly you fucked up.

Congratulations, dumbass. You’ve officially made an enemy at work who can get you fired. Not only is she the boss’s wife, but she’s clearly demonstrated that she knows how to use the system to her advantage. There’s paperwork involved, and guess what? On paper, you’re the bad guy.

Is she a hypersensitive cunt for having you reprimanded? Maybe. Do you come off as more of an asshole than you think you do? Probably. Still, all of that is beside the point. What matters is that she doesn’t like you, and you need to recognize that this was a warning shot from a master manipulator who made you her bitch on the very first day she met you.

Don’t think of this in terms of who was right or wrong. This is a power game. It’s about who wins or loses, and despite you two having the same job description, she’s already asserted her dominance.

Good luck keeping that title and position.

On why everyone at work hates you

I accidentally let it slip that I think of people that liked the movie Gravity as the ones that fucked “the dumb girl.” I feel the movie pays lip service to science. So my issue is this; everyone at work hates me. Is there some weird trick for blending in with the herd without feeling oppressed? I’ve had this problem before in religious environments.

Yeah, I haven’t seen Gravity, but I have had a similar history of frustration when it comes to Sandra Bullock movies.

Still, I just blog about my opinions. I don’t go around acting like an arrogant jerk to people’s faces over something as trivial as a popcorn flick. There’s a time and a place to be a cunt, and it ain’t during water cooler talk at the office.

People hate you because you’re a dick. You refer to your coworkers as ‘the herd’, and you believe you’re special just because you have a different worldview. Well, guess what? You work there too, numbnuts.

You wanna know the weird trick for blending in? Simple. It’s called being kind to people. You could instantly and dramatically improve the quality of your life if you would stop walking around with a chip on your shoulder.

You’re not oppressed. You’re just an asshole. Get used to the world being full of people with different opinions.

On running a business

What would be your rules, regardless of what kind of business you were going to start, on running that business?

Never give up controlling interest.

Never take on a partner who doesn’t have skin in the game.

Always be the one who signs the checks.

Always be the one who maintains the key business relationships.

Always draw a hard line between business and personal relationships.

Always use contracts, and document everything.

Never give the government a reason to look at you.

Always be prepared for either a lawsuit or an audit.

Always know your numbers. No one should ever be more familiar with the general ledger than you.

Never forget why you are in business.

I’m afraid that when I quit my job I’ll realize that it wasn’t the reason I am so unhappy.

The irony is that you’re unhappy because you’re afraid.

Can you ever be friends with your boss?

Sure you can, but never forget that in his role as your boss he is not your friend.

I got fired for missing a staff meeting today. (I’ve been working at a coffee place for 2 months). I forgot about the meeting. How can I get my job back?

You didn’t get fired for missing the staff meeting. You got fired for being the kind of person who misses staff meetings. There’s a difference, and that’s the lesson you need to take away from this.

I’m finishing college, and I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that college has been the most anticlimactic experience I’ve ever had.

Good. Maybe now you’ll think twice before believing in our society’s institutionalized bullshit. Enjoy your twenties.

Do you believe if you work hard enough, you’ll get where you need to be?

Of course not. Work hard, sure, but there are no guarantees in this life. Wherever you end up, it’s definitely not going to be what you expect.

Does being lazy make me a bad person?

No. It makes you a bad employee.

On a soon-to-be working mom

I am 18 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am currently employed, but am experiencing some serious job malaise. Now, I TOLD myself not to do this, but in a moment of weakness I checked a job site, and saw that an amazing job I’d be perfect for was just posted two days ago. So my question is: how crazy is it to apply for a job when noticeably pregnant? Obviously I wouldn’t get hired unless they have some crazy-flexible hiring schedule, but I can’t help thinking, what if? Help me put my mind to rest.

Help you do what now? You’ve got a half-baked bun in the oven, and you want to play bird-in-the-hand bullshit games with your employment status in this economy? Are you fucking nuts?

I think you’re in a little bit of denial here, babe. It’s fine if you wanna juggle motherhood and a career, but I don’t think you’re grasping the magnitude of how much your life is gonna change in twenty more weeks.

The last thing you want to do right now is give your current employer an excuse to replace you, and even if you got the other job, you’d still be the most recently hired, most expendable person in the room who also happens to be a first-time mom going through the most stressful year of her young life. Fuck that shit.

Come on, girl. The only amazing job you’d better be perfect for is coming up in April. Knock it the fuck out. You’ll get a full night’s sleep again sometime in 2013, and by then, the economy will have picked back up.

I know it seems like forever, but don’t worry. Life is long. You’ll get to do all the cool shit you want to do.

On quitting

I just got my dream job, I like it, but I think I suck at it. Should I stay right where I am or consider finding something that I can do without getting fired?

What kind of punk-ass question is this? It’s your dream job. Bust your fucking hump until you reach ninja status or until they have to shovel your emaciated carcass out the door.

Don’t you dare fucking quit.

On mediocrity

How do I stop others’ success from making me feel inadequate…? I want to be a doctor but I did horribly my first year of college. My friends are the ideal pre-med students. I feel like there’s no point in trying to compete against them.

You may very well prove to be inadequate, but the success of your friends will have nothing to do with your failure.

Can you do the work or not? That’s all that matters. Make an honest assessment of your abilities, and don’t get distracted by the kids at the head of the class.

So what if you’re average? Every Salieri has his Mozart, or in your case, his Doogie Howser. Get comfortable with your mediocrity or it will destroy you.

Meet the requirements, and don’t be a whiny little bitch. After all, you know what they call the guy who graduates dead last in his class at medical school?

Doctor.

On entry-level ethics

I work at a bank and recently found myself in the middle of my boss stealing 20 bucks from a customer (ie a liquor store employee who brought in too much cash for his deposits – he was over by at least $200) My manager gave me half of what she stole, even though I said I didn’t want it and openly tried to give it all back to the liquor store employee. I wanted to take more immediate action, but I felt uneasy because this manager is very friendly with me, has invited me to her wedding, ect. I’m a fairly new employee and just a student trying to pay for school. My instinct is to go to my boss and report it, but I fear the repercussions from this manager. Other than this event, she has appeared to be a great leader and manages people well. I called the “ethics hotline” I found on my company site, but they said all they could do was file a report. Not knowing what exactly would happen to the report made me apprehensive to file one. It was only 20 bucks, but I feel dirty having that 10 dollar bill in my purse and I know it was wrong.

Never allow someone to make you complicit in a crime.

I’ll say it again – never allow someone to make you complicit in a crime. Not for ten dollars. Not for ten thousand. Either have the strength of will to refuse, or the strength of character to fully accept your role as an accomplice.

You realize what she’s done, right? That shady bitch bought you. Cheap. This wasn’t about the money. Now she owns your ass like the mob owns a dirty cop.

You’ve only got one move here. Take the ten dollar bill out of your purse, and give it back to her in full view of other employees. ‘You gave this to me the other day, and I don’t want it.’ That’s all you have to say, and then just walk away.

Don’t bother with ethics hotlines. That kind of human resources bullshit is worthless. It’s corporate liability window dressing.

Don’t bother reporting it to your boss either. No one likes a snitch, and he doesn’t want to deal with a shit-ton of hassle over twenty bucks.

Besides, once you hand back the ten dollar bill, the balance of power shifts back to you. If you were a bit more savvy and had a fucking backbone, you might be able to subtly use that to your advantage.

Good luck doing the right thing.

Why do I always go to the bathroom during work to masturbate?

Because you’d get fired if you did it at your workstation.

I’m 30 years old, in grad school, and I realized I’m just not that smart. What do I do?

Relax. Just do your best, try not to let people find out, and don’t use it as an excuse to quit.

I’m trying to get a great internship. Do you have any suggestions on how to stand out with either my cover letter or résumé? Or both?

Those are just pieces of paper. Find other ways to stand out than pieces of paper.

How do I find my calling?

Look for purpose in what makes you happy.

What is your advice to a girl heading off to her first year of college?

Sleep more than you study. Study more than you party. Party as much as you possibly can.

Any advice for a young female entreprenuer?

Learn how to spell entrepreneur.

On fucking your way to the middle

How do you know when to call it quits with a fuckbuddy?

A few issues: He’s my boss. He’s practically engaged (he’s shown me the $20k ring, which I find outrageous), and has said that he “loves everything about me and would totally date me if it weren’t for his girlfriend”.

I don’t want to date him and I know that things will eventually change (or so he says, once he actually proposes) and that’s fine, but I’ll admit that I enjoy having control and I would like it to stay that way.

So, if your boss followed the three months’ salary rule, he’s pulling down 80 grand a year. If he’s corporate, that puts him at the non-professional junior executive level, probably early thirties, and clearly a world-class douchebag for cheating on his soon-to-be fiancée with a subordinate at work.

Unless his dad owns the company, this guy probably doesn’t have the power to single-handedly promote you, but he can make a recommendation.

If you enjoy having control, I suggest you exert some.

The balance of power shifts dramatically in your favor the day he proposes. On that day, congratulate him and then make a formal request for a promotion with a raise. Do it all with a smile, and don’t even hint at anything shady. Trust me, he’ll get the message.

It will immediately end the fuckbuddy status of your relationship because he’ll be terrified of you, and yet everything stays friendly. Plus, he’ll do everything in his power to get you all the perks you ask for.

On making a difference

Is it possible to make a difference without coming off as a left wing activist nutjob?

I am a graphic designer and I want to use my abilities to help change the world for the better. I believe in sustainable food production and reversing climate change.

I know I can create compelling work, but how can I help my audience actually PAY ATTENTION?

Fuck all the insufferably trendy beliefs that you wear like fashion accessories for your identity. Fuck your untested self-esteem and the assumption that any of your work is the least bit compelling. Fuck whatever social media follower count you’ve confused with an actual audience.

Do you have any idea how much of a naïve asshole you sound like when you say you want to change the world with your graphic design abilities? You will never ‘make a difference’, whatever that bullshit phrase means. Hell, you aren’t even interesting enough to come off as a left-wing activist nutjob. At least those people have something to say.

Nope, you’re just another insufferable twat with a popular pair of pet causes and a vague sense of self-importance who thinks that just because you breathe air and have an opinion, you deserve everyone’s undivided fucking attention.

Sorry, kid. You don’t deserve shit. You came knocking at the wrong fucking door if you wanted someone to blow smoke up your ass and slather your ego with Astroglide and affirmations.

No one gives a fuck about your hopes and dreams, and you don’t get credit for good intentions. Compelling work speaks for itself, so please, by all means, feel free to go off into the world and prove me wrong. Then again, you should also feel free to go fuck yourself.

Either way, somebody needed to tell you.

Am I supposed to be having fun in college?

You’re supposed to be having fun in life, my dear.

What’s your advice for a starving artist?

Eat something and don’t refer to yourself as an artist.

I’ve been working my ass off for years trying to get where I want to be in life. It’s not working, and it’s starting to seem like it never will start working. When do I throw in the towel and settle for mediocrity?

Mediocrity isn’t a measure of your title or your tax bracket, fucko. It’s a measure of your state of mind. Never settle for mediocrity.

why is it so hard to find a job?

Because the global economy is slowly collapsing as it runs out of oil. No biggie.

With this economy, what job positions do you recommend, then?

Geriatrics. Taking care of old people is all our generation will have left.

Should i quit my job?

Go find another one first.

How do I get into acting?

Come out to LA and treat your life like a lottery ticket.

On achieving your stupid fantasies

Will I achieve my dreams of becoming what I’m passionate about which is being a Singer/Model/Dancer/Actor even tho I’m completely unsupported by my parents both morally and financially, because their totally against it should i give up is it worth carrying on and pursuing this dream or should i just give up.

You are never going to be a professional singer/model/dancer/actor. That’s not even a thing. In fact, you will never achieve your dreams if all they are is ridiculous fantasies.

You are not passionate about singing, modeling, dancing and acting. You’re just a silly child who’s fascinated by the idea of fame, and your parents are right not to provide moral or financial support for your self-absorbed fantasy of becoming a singer/model/dancer/actor.

I’m sure your parents are intimately aware of what was obvious to me after reading what you consider to be just one sentence: you’re an idiot. They’re not going to tell you you’re an idiot because they love you, but to their credit, they’re also not going to encourage your idiocy.

Let me tell you a secret I’ve learned from all my years in Los Angeles. People who use slashes in their self-bestowed titles are losers. Always. Every time, with no exceptions. The more slashes, the bigger the loser. The most common form is model/actress, and they’re bad enough, but when you start adding singer/dancer/whatever into the mix, shit starts getting insufferable.

Do not become one of these sad, pathetic losers.

If you have a dream (not a fantasy) of becoming a performer of some kind, and that dream is backed up with a shit-ton of talent and a burning passion to dedicate your life to perfecting your craft, and you’re willing to spend years broke and hungry while paying your dues, grinding your way through mountains of bullshit, avoiding all the pitfalls and predators, getting your ass kicked repeatedly to maybe one day have enough blind fucking luck to get a shot at earning a meager living doing what you love, then there’s an outside chance that it might be possible for you to become a singer. Or maybe an actor. Probably not a dancer, and definitely not a model.

Point is, you can pick one. Just one. Get rid of the slashes. No one will ever take you seriously until you do, and even then, whatever stupid fame-whore dream you have is almost definitely not going to come true, even if you devote your life to it.

Oh, and if any of this seems harsh, it only further proves my point that you’re a silly child who doesn’t know the difference between a dream and a fantasy.

I’d tell you good luck, but I really don’t think it’s gonna matter.

On a monumental mistake

This spring I’ll be graduating college. It’s taken 5 years, three degree changes and tens of thousands of dollars in loans before I found something I’m passionate about.

I’m slowly realizing I’m not passionate about it, though. I took it because it was easy and just thought-provoking enough to let me fool myself into thinking it was challenging. I feel like I’ve made a monumental mistake and am officially at a loss for what to do with my life. Thoughts?

Yep, you’ve made a monumental mistake. You’ve wasted five years and tens of thousands of dollars chasing what you thought was passion to earn a college degree that (if you’re lucky) will buy you a shitty entry-level job where you can work your ass off for another five years trying to pay down those tens of thousands of dollars before one day in your late twenties it finally dawns on you that never, not once in your life, have you ever really been passionate about anything.

Of course, that part isn’t the monumental mistake. The monumental mistake is continuing to buy into the system. It’s believing you have to be passionate about some stupid college major, or that you feel like a failure because you haven’t mapped out exactly what you want to do with your entire life at an age when you’re barely qualified to answer phones and fetch coffee.

Fuck that shit. It’s perfectly okay to be clueless and terrified. The only wrong way to handle it is to freeze up and do nothing. The good news is that it doesn’t matter what you do with your life, and it sure as hell doesn’t matter what you studied in college. Just get the fuck out there and do something.