I jog up three flights of stairs to get to Chloe’s floor. An hour run did shit to clear my head. I can’t quit replaying Shaw’s words in my head. You’ve already done enough damage.
He’s right. I’ve done damage. I’ve made mistakes. More than I can count. I’ve repeatedly hurt the people I care about. I can’t take any of it back, but I can apologize, come clean, and hope like hell it’s enough.
Sydney opens the door wide and lets me in. Emily is on the couch and the TV is on. Chloe is nowhere in sight, but the door to her room is closed and light filters out from underneath.
“How is she?” I ask. Stalling and maybe hoping for some reassurance.
“Sad, mostly. I think,” Sydney says quietly.
I nod. Nope, no reassurance there.
I texted Chloe to let her know I was coming. I knew she wouldn’t respond, but I didn’t want to ambush her. I knock on her door once and then open it a crack. “Chloe?”
She makes a sound that’s not quite a greeting and I step inside and close the door behind me. Her hair is wet and her face clean of makeup giving me a good look at her red and puffy eyes. She’s running a brush through her hair while sitting on the bed, unshed tears threatening to spill over.
“Princess.” I rush to her and wrap my arms around her, pull her into me and breathe in the smell of her shampoo and just her — summertime even on the darkest and coldest day. “I’m so sorry.”
Her shoulders shake and she cries into my t-shirt. Silent sobs that prove Shaw was right. The proof of my damage is in my arms.
Eventually her tears quiet and she sniffles. “Why?”
When I don’t answer, she pulls away and looks up at me. “I’ve been replaying it over and over and I still don’t understand.”
“I’m so sorry.” It’s all I can manage. No idea where to start or what to say and knowing there’s likely not an explanation she’s going to like.
She wipes under her eyes. “Are you using?”
“No. Hell no.” I’d like to be offended she’d think that, but I can’t really blame her. I take a deep breath. “I worked for Frank, Chloe. For almost two years, I sold for him. It’s how I sent money back to my family. I was desperate and reckless. Coach caught me with drugs in my locker right before the school year started and I stopped. I haven’t dealt at all since you’ve known me, and I didn’t know Frank gave you the book until today when he texted me. I would never knowingly put you in a position like that.”
“But you would put yourself in that position?”
“Not anymore. I have too much to lose now. I screwed up. My life before you…” I shake my head. “I did a lot of dumb things that I can’t take back, but it’s not who I am anymore. Please tell me you know that I’m not that guy.”
“Honestly.” She lifts both shoulders and lets them fall. “I don’t know anything right now.”
“Yeah.” My voice sounds like I swallowed razor blades — my insides feel like it, too. “I guess I deserve that.”
“I think I just need some time and space. We jumped into this so fast. What do we really know about each other?”
“Everything that matters.”
She tilts her head to the side and regards me seriously. “You know that’s not true.”
“It is true, though. You might not know my past, but you know me. I’ve never been more myself than I am with you.”
“Even when you were lying to my face?” Her words twist in my gut. She smiles sadly. “I know that you didn’t mean for this to happen, but it did, and you can’t take it back.”
“What can I do?” Gabby asks from my doorway the next afternoon. I was up all night, but I’m not tired.
“Take this away from me. It’s not helping.” I hold out the bottle of Jack without getting up. I’m flat on my back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I thought I could drink away the pain and then pass out and forget it ever happened. I was wrong or maybe I can, but I don’t want to. I need to figure out how to fix this.
She takes the bottle from my outstretched hand, sets it on the floor, and then climbs onto the bed and lies beside me.
“I screwed up, Gabs,” I say, choking up as I admit it both to her and myself. “I screwed up, and I don’t know how to undo it.”
She rests her head on my shoulder and takes my hand.
“I love her. I can’t lose her.”
“You won’t.”
“You didn’t see her face.” I turn my head and look Gabby in the eyes. “I’ve disappointed a lot of people in my life. My dad used to lecture me for hours when I’d get a bad grade or fight with my brother, my mom would send me to my room or ground me when I was in trouble, Coach yells out his disappointment, but Chloe she was calm, resigned even. You know who reacts like that? Someone who has given up on you.”
“Then you have to believe in yourself enough for the both of you.” She stands and tugs on my hand. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?”
“We’re going for a run.”
“Now?”
“Endorphins, Payne. I’ve got world domination and a wedding to plan and you need to figure out how to win back your girl.”