My mom calls me the next morning to let me know she and my dad are in town. Their timing on a spontaneous visit couldn’t be worse. My mother sees through my bullshit like a dollar store shower curtain, and right now, I’m about as confused and emotional as I’ve ever been. Still, I haven’t seen them in months, so I shower and put on some makeup, prepared to go about my day with some sort of normalcy.
That is until I get to communications class. I’m not sure if he’ll show up after how we ended things last night, but he does looking as handsome as ever and hesitantly takes the seat beside me.
“Hi.” His voice washes over me like a rogue wave, slamming into me and pulling me under. He drops a brown paper bag from the café on the desk. I don’t even have to open it to know there’s a bran muffin inside.
“Thanks.”
He nods.
Class starts and the first of the presentations are slated to start. A trio walks up to the front of the room and begins. They start in on their sales pitch for adult diapers, and I shudder and tune them out. Easy to do when Nathan pushes his notebook in front of me.
I miss you is scribbled in his small messy penmanship. I want to run my fingers over the words and trace his letters. Instead I stare down at it and wonder how those words can possibly make me feel sadder. When I don’t move to write back, he adds another line. I’m sorry.
I take my pen and write, I miss you, too.
I miss him so much. One day without him and I feel emptier inside than I’ve ever been.
After that, I keep my eyes glued to the presentation, horrifying as it is, and Nathan doesn’t try to get my attention again. We stand with the rest of the class when it’s over and shuffle up the stairs and outside.
“Do you want to get together tonight and work on our presentation? Gotta make sure it’s not going to be as painful as that one was.” His voice is light, but I can see the uneasiness in his posture.
“I don’t think we need to. We’re ready.”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and nods. “Alright. Well, can I see you tonight anyway?”
Falling back into a routine with Nathan would be easy, but it still hurts too much. “I can’t. I’ll text you later. Okay?”
I start to walk away, and he calls after me. “Wait. I have something for you.”
I turn to find his hand outstretched and a piece of folded paper with my name scribbled on top. “I know I screwed up and I know that I don’t deserve you, but I’m going to keep trying anyway.” He places it in my hand and leaves me standing on the sidewalk staring after him.
When I get back to my dorm, I collapse on my bed and open the note. My heart flutters at the sight of the page nearly completely filled with his small, messy penmanship. There’s something intimate and special about a handwritten letter.
Surfer Princess,
Yesterday I was going to drown my sorrows in a fifth of Jack and do everything I could to forget about the mess I made. It’s what I did before I met you. Numb the pain and sting of failure until it felt trivial.
Then you came along.
The way you looked at me that first night made me believe I wasn’t really the guy I’d become. That the clusterfuck of my life was just crappy circumstances and plain bad luck. I lied to myself because what I really didn’t want to admit was that I was scared you wouldn’t like me if you knew the truth about who I was.
I don’t know how things would be different if I had, but I hope that I’m not too late.
When I was nine, I told our next-door neighbor that things were really bad at home and my parents were fighting a lot just so she’d feel sorry for me and let me come over and watch cable any time I wanted.
In sixth grade, I walked into the girl’s bathroom. I told everyone it was a dare, but really, I just wanted to see what it looked like in there. I thought there must be something cool since the girls spent so much more time in there than we did in the boy’s bathroom.
I downloaded porn on my mom’s computer and when she found it, I told her it was Heath’s and that she shouldn’t say anything because he was trying to figure out his sexuality.
I hate fishing, but my dad loved it. Every year he’d insist we wake up early on opening trout weekend. He got so excited about it I could never break it to him that I didn’t really wanna go.
When I started dealing, I told myself that it was just a job and that I wasn’t hurting anyone.
I got so drunk one time I peed on Wes’ bed and blamed it on Joel.
I met a girl, a stunning and perfect girl, and I hurt her because I was too selfish to own up to my past. Everything else — the time we spent together and the way you make me feel, it was all real.
You’re my truth, Chloe.
Nathan
I read the letter at least a dozen times before I have to put it away and hustle to practice. I don’t think it’s my imagination that Coach is extra hard on us. We do twice the number of conditioning drills.
Then, she holds Bri, Sydney, Emily, and me back after practice and informs us the supply closet needs to be cleaned out before the weekend. I really want to get out of here so I can go meet my parents for dinner, but as far as punishment goes this one seems pretty reasonable, so I keep my mouth shut and send my mom a text that practice is running late.
Sydney puts some music on while we take out every box from the supply closet so we can go through them. Emily devises a two-day master plan to get the closet cleaned and the rest of us just go with it, letting her be the leader of this venture. Typically, Bri would be the one stepping in and coming up with the plan, but she’s barely spoken and not at all to me.
We pull out boxes and boxes of old stuff. The Valley U beach volleyball program is one of the oldest in the NCAA, and we find tons of merchandise dating back to when it was called sand volleyball instead.
“Look at these tanks.” Emily holds up a yellow sleeveless shirt with blue horizontal stripes. “It looks like a bumblebee costume.”
“Ooooh.” Sydney yanks it out of her hands. “I love it.”
Emily rolls her eyes. “Of course, you do.”
Over the next hour, we condense twenty boxes to eight and sweep out the closet. Tomorrow the plan is to wipe down shelves and organize and label the boxes. All things considered, not a terrible way to spend an afternoon.
“You guys wanna grab Chinese and watch New Girl?” Sydney asks, and I want to hug her for trying to act like things are totally normal.
“I can’t. My parents are in town. Heads up, they’re probably going to want to stop by and see the place.”
“Must hide dildo. Got it.” Emily smiles. “Bri?”
She shakes her head. “No thanks, I’m going to stick around and work on some drills.”
Emily groans. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to. My whole body hurts.”
She and Sydney look like they’re waiting for me to walk out with them. I wave them off.
When it’s just me and Bri, she gives me the stiffest smile ever and heads toward her locker. I follow behind her and wait while she rummages inside and pulls out her phone and headphones. She catches me out of her peripheral and raises both eyebrows. She still doesn’t speak though.
“I’m sorry and thank you. I really appreciate what you did.”
She nods and brushes past me.
“Wait.”
She pauses without turning around.
“Can I do some drills with you? We could work on some passing.”
“Look, you don’t need to do this.” She turns and motions between us. “Make nice or whatever. I didn’t do it for you.”
“Okay.”
She crosses her arms at her waist. “The best thing for the team is having you on it, as much as it pains me to admit it. Plus, I knew even you weren’t dumb enough to bring drugs to an away game like party favors.”
I stay silent but hold my ground and finally she relents. “Fine, but we’re doing blocking drills not passing.”
I hide my smile. “Whatever you want.”
My mom laughs as I hug her. “You smell like a locker room, but I’ve missed my baby too much to care.”
“I’m sorry.” I pull back to check for damage, but she looks perfect as usual. “I didn’t have time to shower. Bri and I were working on some partner drills.” I turn to my dad and throw my arms around him. “I missed you guys so much.”
My dad motions to the host to let him know we’re ready to be seated, and we’re led to a table in the middle of the restaurant of the same Italian place we came for the team dinner. The waiter takes our drink order and we settle in.
“Despite needing a shower,” my mom says with a teasing smirk. “You look good.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
My dad plays with the wine menu, not looking it over but holding it and tapping it lightly against the table. “Your mom said you weren’t allowed to play Saturday. Sounds like your coach is an idiot. You’re the best player they’ve got.”
So this is it… jumping right into it. My chest squeezes, and my face warms. “It was a misunderstanding. Coach did what she thought was right.”
He scowls.
“Wait, you think I’m their best player?”
He gives me a look that says don’t play dumb with me, but when a big smile stretches across my face, he caves and gives me the grin that tells me he means it. “Of course, you are. They’re lucky to have you. Damn idiots at Golden don’t even know how badly they screwed up losing you.”
After everything that happened, I often wondered if my parents really believed I was good enough to make it on my own. I’ve been stuck in limbo, deciding if they paid my way into Golden because they thought it’s where I belonged or if they didn’t think I could do it by myself.
Maybe they were just doing everything they could to ensure I got my dream. I don’t like what they did, and I’d never condone it, but I can’t say I don’t get it. If I could pay to have all Nathan’s troubles erased wouldn’t I do it? Isn’t that what I tried to do in a way?
“Thanks, Dad.”
“So this is it, huh?” my mom asks.
I know she’s referring to my decision to stay at Valley and if I hadn’t been one hundred percent sure before, I am now. Each bump in the road has solidified it. I don’t want to run. I want to prove I can handle everything thrown my way.
“Yeah, Mom, this is it. This is where I belong. At least for now.”
The waiter brings our drinks and my dad takes a sip of his red wine. “I know it’s hard for you to understand, but we just want you to have all the opportunities you deserve. We’re sorry we interfered and cost you your spot on the team.”
“Actually, I think I’m starting to understand just how much people will do for the ones they love, but I appreciate the apology.”
Conversation is easier after that. I fill them in on classes and all things Valley, and they tell me about a new hotel opening and renovations they’re doing to the house.
“Do you guys want to come see my dorm before you leave?” They’re heading up to Scottsdale for the rest of the week and then coming back this weekend to watch our last fall scrimmage against New Mexico.
I can tell my mom doesn’t totally understand why I’d want to live in the dorms when I could have an off-campus apartment, but she keeps her comments mostly positive as I lead them up the stairs and to my room.
I introduce them to Emily and Sydney, who are sitting on the couch watching TV. A glance around the room, and I can tell they picked up for my parents.
Bri is closed up in her room so it’s a quick tour of my room and the living area, which only takes a few seconds to really see. I’m just about to usher them back out so we can say our goodbyes when there’s a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it.” Sydney leaps from the couch to answer it.
“Thank you for coming,” I say as I hug my mom tightly.
Sydney calls out from the door, “Chlo, it’s for you.”