1
In the Whale’s Belly
It was dark inside the whale belly. Boojum Bark, Hero and werewolf, sniffed again. He could smell ooze and rotting plankton. He could smell blood too, and fear.
The Giant Fflea bogeys must be just ahead, carving out living chunks of whale guts.
Princess Princess Sunbeam Caresse of Pewké shivered beside him. ‘Why can’t we have normal homework?’
‘Because us at School for Heroes. Bogeys are our homework.’ Mug’s zombie fungus glowed faintly in the darkness. Something splashed in the ooze.
‘What was that?!’
‘Mug dropped his arm again,’ said Yesterday shortly.
‘It okay,’ boomed Mug. ‘Me got safety pin.’
‘Shh, you dumb zombie! The bogeys will hear you.’ Princess Princess sounded even more scared now.
Boo wished he could sniff her bum and figure out what she was really feeling. Princess Princess didn’t like Boo sniffing her bum, even when he was in wolf shape. Princess Princess was the most Heroic-looking student and the best Zoom!er the School for Heroes had ever had. She couldn’t really be scared of bogeys, could she?
‘There aren’t even supposed to be any bogeys!’ Princess Princess added. ‘Not now that the Greedle’s dead.’
Yesterday didn’t bother to turn round. ‘The Ffleas don’t know the Greedle’s gone. There are still lots of bogeys out there hunting for the Greedle’s food.’
‘Then why couldn’t we have got nice bogeys for our homework this time?! Like…like dragons. Dragons are romantic. Not stinky sloppy like a whale’s tummy. Or mutant beetles. I could Wham! Bam! Powee! a beetle like that. I’m the best Wham! Bammer! in the whole school—’
‘We know,’ said Yesterday softly.
‘Anyhow, if we don’t find the bogeys soon I’m going home to get ready for the dance. My new dress is pure gold thread! My dad’s had every gnome in the kingdom spinning it for weeks! And then I’m going to ask Dr Mussells for a real adventure where I can Wham! Bam! Pow! and Zoom!’
‘Then come to the Ghastly Otherwhen with us and help rescue Boo’s mum.’ Yesterday still peered into the dimness. ‘That’ll be a real adventure.’
‘What!?’ Boo caught a glimpse of Princess Princess’s neat white teeth as her mouth flopped open. Her shriek echoed around the whale’s belly. ‘No Hero has ever survived the Ghastly Otherwhen! I am so not going to follow a crazy puppy—’
‘Ghastly Otherwhen okay now Greedle gone,’ boomed Mug. ‘Maybe,’ he added.
‘And friends help each other,’ said Yesterday quietly.
‘Huh! Well I just want to get out of here and get my hair done and…eeeeekk!’
The fur rose on Boo’s neck. ‘There they are!’ he growled.
The Giant Ffleas were clustered next to the whale’s liver, trying to carve out a chunk. Their antennae twitched towards the Heroes.
‘R—right,’ Princess Princess gulped. ‘I’ll Zoom! into Otherspace then and tie them up. Yesterday and Mug can do the ing—’
‘Me rather use zombie pizza boomerang.’ Mug pulled a slice of pizza out of his backpack, bashed it with his fist to stop it wriggling and took a bite.
‘Just stick to proper Hero tactics! No flying zombie pizza! No Pong Fu either,’ Princess Princess added to Boo. ‘No widdling on the bogeys. No doing a doggy doo doo in their boots, either.’
‘I’ve never done a doggy doo doo in a bogey’s boot,’ said Boo, offended.
Yesterday put her hand up to stop them arguing. It was thin and brown. All of Yesterday was thin and brown. Even her tattered leather tunic was thin and brown. ‘Let me talk to the Ffleas before we start Biff! Bamm!ing. Maybe I can persuade them to go away.’
Yesterday could speak to any animal, even bogeys.
‘Well, if you really want to…’ said Princess Princess.
Yesterday splashed towards the bogeys. They twitched their antennae at her again.
‘Snnnoooommoooppfoo?’ groaned Yesterday, in what Boo supposed was fluent Fflea. He scratched his rear end automatically. That was the problem with Ffleas. You only needed to think the word ‘flea’—or Fflea—and your tail began to itch.
‘Voooommooooo?’ sang one of the Ffleas, in a surprisingly deep voice.
‘Noooocoooooodooooo!’ moaned Yesterday reassuringly.
‘Cooooooooo! Dooo doooooooo fooooooo!’ The Ffleas gazed at Yesterday, their antennae twitching in delight. Suddenly they began to dance around the whale’s belly. ‘Dooo dooo foo! Dooo dooo foo!’
‘Let me guess,’ said Boo, as the Ffleas danced into the darkness. ‘They’re yelling that the Greedle has gone and they’re free.’
Yesterday smiled. Yesterday didn’t smile often, but it was worth it when she did. ‘Yes. They’re happy.’
Princess Princess pushed back her golden hair, leaving a trail of whale slime on her crown. ‘Let’s get out of here so I can have a bath! Which way now?’
Mug pointed.
Princess Princess stared. ‘Not that way! That’s…’
‘Out whale bum,’ boomed Mug, sloshing after the Ffleas.
‘Why can’t we go back out the whale’s mouth?’ demanded Princess Princess.
‘If we walk up throat make whale sneeze. Whale sneeze crush us all. So out through bum.’
‘Out its bum? Its actual bum? There’s no way I’m going to go out a whale’s bum. I’m—’
The blubbery walls began to contract. It’s like being squeezed out of a tube of toothpaste, thought Boo. The whale’s tummy muscles began to push them downwards…
The world grew even darker. Boo took a breath, then wished he hadn’t. Hurry up, whale, he thought frantically, as he tried to snort out a noseful of whale doo doo. How long did it take for whale doo doo to pass through a whale bum? Hurry uuuuppppp…
And then they were free, whirling fathoms down in a mass of brown and bloodstained water. He tried to dog paddle, but the current was too strong. It pulled him along, a tumble of fur and tail and paws.
Until he felt Yesterday grab him. She began to pull him, swimming strongly. He was vaguely aware of Mug and Princess Princess swimming beside them.
He longed to open his jaws and gulp in air, but there was only water. At last he felt his back scrape under the big ledge of rock that Boo supposed was the closest the Universe of Glug came to a bed. Wormholes in every universe came out under a bed. It was traditional.
All at once they were sinking again. Down, down, down.
And now the water was gone, and the whale doo doo too. They were back in the same wormhole they’d just used to travel here, the smooth rock ceiling of the tunnel between the universes high above them, the cold air smelling just faintly of strawberry jam.
Boo breathed in a giant lungful. He’d never thought he’d be so glad to smell strawberry jam again.
‘At last!’ Princess Princess wiped whale gunk from her eyes. She began to march down the wormhole tunnel. ‘I’ll see you at the dance!’ she yelled back at Boo. ‘And don’t forget to Change!’
Boo nodded as he licked some of the whale doo doo off his fur. But he couldn’t stop for a snack now. Princess Princess would never go to a dance with a puppy dog—even a werewolf who’d just been given their school’s Medal for Outstanding Heroism and made a Level 4 Hero. He’d have to Change into human form. And have a—he shuddered—bath.
And put on pants and underpants. Underpants were the dumbest invention in the universes. How could you sniff a bum properly through underpants? And he’d have to balance on two feet when he danced…
Actually Boo wasn’t sure that he wanted to go to the dance with Princess Princess at all. He’d been going to go with Yesterday. But after he won the School Medal Princess Princess just seemed to expect he’d go with her. It was impossible to say ‘no’ to someone as gorgeous—and royal—as Princess Princess.
He glanced over at Yesterday guiltily. ‘I…I got you something for the dance,’ he said shyly. He picked up a package he’d left in the wormhole before they’d travelled up to Glug.
‘A dress. I asked Ms Shaggy to make it. She’s the best sewer in the whole of Sleepy Whiskers. I thought you mightn’t have a party dress.’
Yesterday was a slave, sent to improve her skills at the School for Heroes by her masters, the Guardians. Boo wasn’t sure she owned anything, except her leather tunic and her hut.
He gazed up at Yesterday anxiously. Had he offended her? But Yesterday was smiling again.
‘Oh, Boo,’ she said. A tear rolled down her cheek. ‘I’ve never had a proper dress.’
Boo stared. He’d never seen Yesterday cry before. Even when she’d dragged the Greedle back to her own universe of rock and dinosaurs she hadn’t cried.
She fumbled with the paper, then held up the dress. It was silky green and silver-spangled.
‘Do you like it?’
‘I love it. I love green!’
There’s no green in Yesterday’s world, thought Boo. Just grey, and more grey, and silver lakes of molten rock.
‘My sister Glug wearing pink fungus,’ boomed Mug, making the wormhole echo. ‘Also pink sequins.’
‘She’ll look lovely.’ Yesterday still sounded tearful as she gazed at her dress. ‘She’ll be the most gorgeous zombie in the universes.’
Mug nodded. ‘It be good dance. Great eats! Graunt Doom bringing zombie hot dogs. No worries though. She make them behave.’
‘I’m sorry I’m not going with you,’ said Boo quietly.
Yesterday lifted her chin. Suddenly she was the old Yesterday, full of dignity and courage. ‘That’s okay.’ She shrugged. ‘I’m going with someone else anyway.’
‘Who?’ Boo was surprised at the little spark of something that niggled his insides. He didn’t know Yesterday had any other friends except for him and Mug. And Squeak of course, though the mouse hadn’t come with them today. Boo supposed he was washing his whiskers for the dance.
‘A friend,’ said Yesterday.
‘What friend?’ persisted Boo.
Yesterday smiled. ‘You’ll see, won’t you?’
The Werewolf General was waiting for Boo when he crawled out of the wormhole under Mum’s bed at the Best Ice-Cream Shop in the Universes. The retired Hero lived in Sleepy Whiskers these days, guarding the world from uninvited visitors.
‘How were the Giant Fflea bogeys?’ the big wolf asked. ‘You stink,’ he added.
‘Thanks.’ Boo turned round to sniff his coat again. ‘It’s great, isn’t it? It’s whale doo doo. We had to go out the bum.’
The Werewolf General’s wooden leg went clink, clink, clink as they walked out of the bedroom and into the shop. ‘You’ll smell good for the dance then.’
Boo shook his head, sending drips of whale doo doo onto the walls. ‘I have to Change. And have a bath. Princess Princess doesn’t want to go to a school dance with a dog.’
The Werewolf General fixed him with his gaze. ‘We’re wolves, young pup. Werewolves. Not…ever…dogs. We’re big and we’re savage. And we don’t take puppy dog jokes from anyone.’
‘Except I still am a puppy. And I’ve got a curly tail. I look cute,’ said Boo bitterly.
‘You won’t look cute much longer.’ The Werewolf General grinned, showing his fangs. ‘You’ve grown in the past few months. I’ve made you a surprise,’ he added.
‘What?’ Boo sniffed. ‘Ice cream!’ he yelped. ‘You’ve made ice cream.’
The Werewolf General’s grin got wider. ‘Found your mother’s recipe book. There wasn’t a complete recipe for the Best Ice Cream in the Universes though. The secret ingredient is missing!’
Boo shook his head. ‘Only Mum and I know the full recipe.’
‘So I made raspberry and cockroach instead.’
Yum. He sat on his haunches as the Werewolf General filled two big bowls and put them on the floor. They lapped at them together.
‘Boo.’ The Werewolf General’s voice was serious.
‘Yes, sir?’
‘Don’t ever be ashamed of being a werewolf. Most races think they are the best in the universes. You just remember, we wolves are the best.’
‘Are we really, sir?’
The Werewolf General’s grin was rimmed with ice cream now. ‘We’re the best at being werewolves. Just be what you are, Boo. Now, off you trot and have that—’ the Werewolf General gave an almost imperceptible shudder ‘—bath. And have a great time at the dance. The School Medal for Outstanding Heroism, promotion to Level 4 and you’re off to the dance with the most Heroic-looking princess in the universes, even if she’s not a werewolf. You’ve got a lot to be proud of, young wolf.’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Boo.
It only good manners to make sure all fingers and toes taped on before a dance. Humans no likes treading on squishy things. Also hard to dance with only six toes.
FROM MOULDY MANNERS FOR ZOMBIES BY TO D’STOOL