6
The Secret of the Wormholes
Small shrieks floated down from the library. It had perched halfway down the pit of the volcano this morning, right in the path of the eruption. Boo trudged along the rim of the lava pit and tried to ignore the noise and the burning in his paws. A new batch of library books had arrived the day before. Boo remembered his first few weeks at the School for Heroes. It wasn’t easy being a new kid—or a new book.
Only Yesterday had been kind to him. Yesterday, who’d saved his life. Yesterday, the slave.
It wasn’t fair. But then life wasn’t fair. If life was fair he’d still be an ice-cream delivery puppy—and Mum would be making the Best Ice Cream in the Universes instead of having been kidnapped by the Greedle.
If life was fair he’d be able to find a guide to wormholes in the library. Then he could find the way to Yesterday’s universe and convince the Guardians to free her and find his way to the Ghastly Otherwhen. He had to have Yesterday’s help if he and Mug were to have any chance of surviving there, not to mention finding Mum. Yesterday could Find anything.
He paused, his leg raised to leave a few drops on the boulder by the skinning pool. Maybe there was a guide to the wormholes in the library. Students were sent to all sorts of different universes. Dr Mussells couldn’t be the only person at the School for Heroes who knew how to do it.
The yellow drops sizzled as Boo lowered his leg. But if it was as easy as reading a book—even one of the ones with zits and bad breath—then Dr Mussells wouldn’t have been so sure he couldn’t do it. But how could you get to another universe if the wormhole took you back to your original one? Except when you were with someone else from that universe, of course, like when they all went back to Zombie Island for Mug’s party…
Boo stopped. How could he have been so stupid?!
The lava was almost cool now—or as cool as anything got in a volcano. Boo padded past the gymnasium. Ms Punch was giving a Pow! a class (even more powerful than the old Wham! Bam! Pow!), wafting above the students.
‘Feel the Pow! a? Then Punch!’ she yelled, her whole ghostly body going straight behind her fist.
‘Pow! a Punch!’ chanted the class, following her motions. Boo watched Princess Princess Pow! a her way over the gymnasium floor and send the bogey dummy flying. She stood back and brushed her hair out of her face, laughing.
Princess Princess is the best at everything, thought Boo, as he trotted down the corridor. He’d never been to Pow!a class. All Level 4s and above chose their own classes, so he’d been able to avoid it. There was no way his paws could Pow! a Punch.
If only there were Heroic Snap! Grab! Bite Them! classes. He’d be great at that. Or Heroic Sniffle Sniff Sniiiiffff classes, which taught you how to tell what a bogey was thinking with one long sniff of their widdle. Not that he needed the classes. It’d just be nice to be top of something.
Boo stopped, mid-corridor. Did bogeys widdle? No one had ever mentioned it. But they must—everything widdled, even if the people in some universes didn’t like to talk about it. Boo scratched his ear with his hind leg—scratching always helped him to think. Maybe if he smelt bogey widdle in the Ghastly Otherwhen he’d know where they’d taken Mum.
Boo began to pad down the corridor again. On the other paw, the bogeys might try to rip his head off as soon as he came through the wormhole. There mightn’t be time to sniff…
The door to the Finding lab was open. Graunt Doom sat on a tall stool, her head bent over a platter of writhing octopus guts. Her hat seemed to be having its lunch. He loved how zombies smelt, all rich and slightly rotting. You always knew where a zombie was, even the bits that had fallen off.
Graunt Doom peered up from the octopus guts as Boo approached. ‘Ah, werewolf puppy,’ she boomed. ‘You wants to find way to Ghastly Otherwhen.’
Boo’s tail began to wag. Was it really going to be this easy? ‘What else can you See?’ ‘Doom, doom, doom!’ Boo’s tail drooped. ‘You mean I won’t find my way?’
‘Oh, you find way okay,’ boomed Graunt Doom.
‘Then…then I won’t rescue my mum? I’ll die?’
‘Me not say that.’ Graunt Doom stared down at the octopus guts again. ‘Me can only See doom. Not who it for. It hard to See anything in Ghastly Otherwhen. Me only Finder who can even See doom there,’ she added with satisfaction. ‘Greedle put hypnotic veil over whole place.’
‘Oh,’ said Boo. Suddenly he realised what Graunt Doom had said. ‘You mean I will get there?’
Graunt Doom nodded, her eyes back on the wriggling entrails. ‘You work out way already.’
‘I—I think so.’ Boo tried not to drool at the octopus guts. They smelt great, even if they were wriggling. ‘I should have guessed before. If anything goes down the wormholes it returns to where it started. That’s correct, isn’t it?’
‘Too right.’
‘So if the school bus goes to another universe it has to take something with it that came from that universe?’
Graunt Doom looked up at him. She nodded, making the stitches in her neck bulge. ‘You not fool,’ she boomed. ‘We gots collection of beetles, bits of fur or tentacle from all universes, even Ghastly Otherwhen. You take right beetle, fur or tentacle, you can gets anywheres you like. Me told Old Furry Bum—’
‘You mean Dr Mussells?’
‘Yeah. Him. Me told Furry Bum you works it out soon.’ She peered at him from under her hat. The hat gave a small burp and clutched its lunch bone tighter as though afraid that Boo might try to grab it. ‘Me told him you heads to the Ghastly Otherwhens, no matter what he says. My greats nephew goes too. But old Furry Bum not wants to hear.’
Boo sat on his haunches. ‘He thinks I don’t know what I’m doing! Just because I’m young…and have a curly tail…’
Graunt Doom glared at him. Her hat glared at him too, crunching at its mutton bone. ‘You knows nothings. That nots why he not wants you to goes.’
‘Why then?’
‘You heard about Wattalotta Mussells da Brave?’
‘Sure. She was the greatest Hero who ever lived. A Level 20! But she vanished into the Ghastly Otherwhen…’ Boo’s tail sank down onto the floor. ‘I never thought…’ he whispered. ‘Her name was Mussells too.’
The octopus guts began to slide across the bench. Graunt Doom bashed them with her stick. The guts quivered, then slid back obediently. ‘Old Furry Bum so proud of daughter. He goes to Ghastly Otherwhen to rescue her…’
‘What happened?’ asked Boo quietly.
‘Nothings.’
‘But—but something must have happened.’
Graunt Doom shrugged, upsetting her hat, which glared down at her. ‘Wormhole opened into darkness. Furry Bum felt around. Tried yelling. Tried Wham! Bamm!ing Nothings. Furry Bum comed back, then tried again. Again and again and again. Nothings every time.’
She eyed Boo sharply. ‘Furry Bum changed after thats. Still make jokes. Still eat bananas. But him say some things too horrible for even greatest Hero—even Level 20. Nothing be worst thing of all. That why he not want you to go. Not want anyone to go. It bad when Hero die,’ said Graunt Doom, more quietly than he’d ever heard her speak. ‘It worse when Hero lost. Hope alive harder to live with than dead.’
‘I know,’ said Boo softly. ‘My mum is lost. And that’s why I have to go. I have to find out.’ He lifted his chin. ‘Can you lend me the Ghastly Otherwhen beetle? And the one to Yesterday’s universe too?’
‘Thank you.’ How could she be so calm? he wondered. She knew he was taking Mug with him. Did she know they’d be safe?
But Graunt Doom was shaking her head. ‘You thinking me best Finder in the universes. You thinking maybe me Finder you if you gets lost. But me can’t. Even if you take girl Finder into the Ghastly Otherwhen maybe she not Find anything when she gets there.’
‘I don’t care. I’d want to help Yesterday even if she wasn’t a Finder. Can you help me get her back?’
Even Graunt Doom’s hat gazed at him sympathetically now as Graunt Doom shook her head. ‘Hardest thing, not able help your friends,’ she rumbled. ‘Bogeys simple. What peoples does in other universes—that hard. It up to them, not Heroes.’
‘But it’s wrong to own people!’
Graunt Doom shrugged, then bashed her hat when it objected to the disturbance. ‘Only peoples who can help is themselves.’
Boo felt his hackles rise. It wasn’t fair! And everyone just seemed to accept it. ‘Well I’m going to help! Now!’ He hadn’t known he was going to say it till it was out. But it felt right, the rightest thing he’d ever said.
Graunt Doom grinned. ‘Me knows you was going to say that.’ She held up what looked like a matchbox. ‘Here Yesterday’s beetle. If you gets back me give you Ghastly Otherwhen beetle too.’
‘Um…any other hints?’ asked Boo.
Graunt Doom peered into the octopus guts. ‘Don’t eats breakfast this morning,’ she said helpfully.
‘I already have.’
Graunt Doom shrugged. She stood up. ‘Too bads. Keep tail wagging and ears pricked up. Remembers you is a Hero. No other help I can gives. Time for brunch. Me see if zombie spaghetti can wrestle tentacle pancakes. See youse later!’
Boo watched her go.
SCHOOL FOR HEROES ENTRANCE EXAM
A bogey with one hundred fangs, ten tentacles and a flamethrower is about to devour you (the flamethrower is to cook you first).
What do you yell?
a. It isn’t fair!
b. HEEEELLLPPP
c. Look out, your shoelace is undone! Take that!
P.S. Anyone who answers a. is not cut out for Heroism. Life isn’t fair, kid. Get used to it.