14
Buzz Off

‘Good afternoon, class!’ Dr Mussells swung through the door, his tail grasping a long twisty vine. Somehow ropes or long twisty vines just appeared when Dr Mussells was around. The old monkey wore blue shorts today, a wide-sleeved white silk shirt and a pair of bananas stuck in his belt. He swung himself onto the table in front of the class and gazed out at the assembled young Heroes.

It’s an unusually big class, thought Boo, as he perched up on a black rock bench at the back of the tiered learning centre. The principal’s lectures must be popular.

A few Level 2s sat along the side, their notebooks ready. The front seats were filled with Level 3s, one of them the handsome human-type Princess Princess had danced with the other night. Princess Princess sat next to him, wearing a particularly Heroic red silk tunic. Her long blonde hair was dusted with tiny diamonds again today.

There were even some ancient Heroes from up at Rest in Pieces. A decrepit walrus with long grey whiskers and tusks filed razor-sharp sat fiddling with his hearing aid. Gloria the Gorgeous and Dahlia the Dazzler giggled as they shuffled in behind their walking frames. A couple of phaeries fluttered near the unseen ceiling, twinkling even brighter than the yellow sulphur crystals. They were too small for Boo to see whether they were students or elderly Heroes.

Dr Mussells pulled out one of his bananas, peeled it with his foot and took a bite. Boo blinked. Somehow another banana had taken its place in the principal’s belt, as a young butterfly with a Level 3 badge fluttered into the room.

‘Hurry up,’ said Dr Mussells. ‘I hope you have the right class. We’re not studying mothematics today. Mothematics! Get it?’

‘Ha ha, sir,’ said the class.

‘Get on with it, Furry Bum,’ cackled Dahlia the Dazzler.

‘Today,’ said Dr Mussells, ‘we will consider Wattalotta Mussells’s Cunning Plan to capture the Vampire Bee of Ouche. Now, can anyone tell me what’s more dangerous than being with a fool?’ Dr Mussells looked round expectantly. ‘Fooling with a bee, of course.’

‘Ha ha, sir,’ said the class.

Dr Mussells took a thoughtful bite out of his banana. ‘As some of you may know, Lottie was my daughter.’ Boo caught a glimpse of pain and pride on the old monkey’s face. ‘But I do not think I am biased when I say the Vampire Bee Expedition was one of the Great Cunning Plans of History. A bee-yootiful plan, in fact.’

‘Ha ha, sir,’ said the class.

‘Now can anyone here tell me about the Vampire Bee of Buzzerouche?’

Princess Princess’s hand shot up. ‘Yes, sir!’ She stood up. She was wearing long red boots, too, Boo noticed. The Level 3s goggled at her admiringly.

‘The Giant Vampire Bee wasn’t an agent of the Greedle,’ recited Princess Princess. ‘It was created by mad Dr Parrot. The Bee slurped the blood from anyone who ventured out in daytime.’

‘A buzzy bee, indeed,’ said Dr Mussells.

‘Ha ha, sir,’ said Princess Princess.

‘Now,’ said Dr Mussells softly, ‘do you know what happened next?’

‘Yes, sir! Lottie Mussells defeated the Bee. She wore this Heroic silver tunic with—’

Dr Mussells lifted a small paw. ‘Do you know how Lottie defeated the Bee?’

Princess Princess stared. ‘I suppose she Wham! Bamm!ed it, sir.’

Dr Mussells threw the banana skin over his shoulder. ‘Lottie was…is…’ The principal paused for a second, then held his head high. ‘Lottie is a monkey, thirty centimetres high. The Vampire Bee was twenty metres from its feet to its antennae. Do you really think a thirty-centimetre Hero could Wham! Bam! a twenty-metre mutated bee?’

Princess Princess frowned. ‘She was a Level 20 Hero, sir!’

‘Exactly. Which meant she had too much sense to Wham! Bam! a giant bee into beehiving.’

‘Ha ha, sir,’ said the class (except Princess Princess).

Dr Mussells nodded to her. ‘You may sit down. This of course is where the Cunning Plan comes in. Like some of our students here—’ Dr Mussells glanced up at Boo ‘—Lottie wasn’t a classic Hero. So. Step one: Lottie went to the library. It says a lot for Lottie—’ Dr Mussells beamed proudly ‘—that the books gave her all the information on Vampire Bees as soon as she walked in. Step two,’ he continued, ‘Lottie worked out her enemy’s weakness. Can any of you think what a twenty-metre-high Vampire Bee’s weakness might be?’

Boo wished Yesterday was here. Yesterday understood bogeys—and people too. It was lonely without her.

Boo put up his hand.

‘Yes, Boojum?’

‘Maybe it was lonely, sir.’

Dr Mussells beamed.

‘I was just going to say that,’ hissed Princess Princess.

‘Lottie disguised herself as another Vampire Bee. But it didn’t work. Day after day the Bee flew past, dripping drops of blood from its prey.’ Dr Mussells stared out at the class. ‘Can you even begin to imagine how hard that is? To know that people are in peril, but to also know that the only way to help them is to wait?

‘Day after day she waited. Why didn’t the Bee try to land?’

‘She should have waited at a buzz stop, sir,’ said Princess Princess.

‘Ha ha,’ said Dr Mussells shortly. ‘No, Lottie realised that her bee disguise wasn’t working. It was time for Cunning Plan number two. And that,’ said Dr Mussells, ‘is the essence of a great Cunning Plan. The ability to change. Class dismissed.’ He lifted his arm and grabbed hold of his vine again.

‘But, sir,’ Boo stood up. ‘What was the second Cunning Plan?’

‘Didn’t I tell you? Lottie held up a mirror. What could be more bee-like than a reflection? It buzzed on down so fast that it knocked itself out on the mirror and tumbled into the pit-trap Lottie had dug.

It was quite bee-witched, in fact.’

‘Ha ha, sir,’ said Boo. ‘But what about the mad doctor who created it?’

Dr Mussells beamed. ‘Now that is what I like to hear. Efficient Heroing is tying up loose ends. Lottie discovered that Mad Dr Parrot was lonely too. He’s now happily employed as the keeper of the Insect Collection at the Ouche Zoo.’ He paused. ‘I gather they have a quite…unusual collection of creatures there these days.

‘The people of Ouche declared Lottie their bite in shining armour and her actions the greatest example of insecticide in the history of their universe.’

Dr Mussells fixed Boo with his furry gaze. ‘Lottie was the most advanced Hero our school has ever produced. But always remember that there are some things—and some places—that are too much for even the greatest Hero.’

He swung out of the room as the school bell rang deep inside the cliffs of the volcano.

HOME-MADE DOGGIE SHAMPOO

Ingredients:

1 cup dead rat, chopped

1 cup cow manure, dried

¹/₂ cup flea powder

2 cups minced slug, powdered

Method:

Mix well. Store in a sealed container. (Not plastic. Doggie Shampoo dissolves plastic.)

Shake well before use. Roll in shampoo three times a week.