17
Off to the Ghastly Otherwhen
The notice was posted on the black cliff face by the wormhole entrance.
WANTED. HEROES TO INVADE THE GHASTLY OTHERWHEN. MEET BOOJUM BARK AT THE WORMHOLE, 6.30 AM, TUESDAY. BRING TENT, FOOD, DISGUISE AND WEAPONS.
At 6 am Boo sat on his haunches, neatly trimmed and still very pink, and waited. Squeak snored in the pouch hanging from his collar. Boo wasn’t sure if the little mouse knew they were about to invade the Ghastly Otherwhen together. But there was no way he could let Squeak know. Unlike Yesterday, he didn’t speak Mouse…
If only Yesterday were with him! She could Find for them, and maybe convince the monsters of the Otherwhen not to eat them, rip them into shreds or use them to decorate their Christmas trees. If there were Christmas trees in the Ghastly Otherwhen…
He missed her. It was like he’d lost all his whiskers, something he never realised was an important part of him till it was gone. It just didn’t seem right to be heading off on a Heroic Expedition without Yesterday. They’d always fought the bogeys together before. Sometimes he felt like he was being ripped in two—part of him wanted to head off to rescue Mum. The other half was trying to work out a different Plan to bring Yesterday back to school.
I need a list, he thought, as he lifted his leg and left a few drops at the wormhole entrance. 1. Invade Ghastly Otherwhen; 2. Rescue Mum; and 3. Rescue Yesterday, too.
Maybe, he thought suddenly, it’s better that Yesterday can’t come today. At least she’s safe with the Guardians. Or he supposed she was safe.
For a moment he felt like howling. What use was it being a Hero if he couldn’t help his friend? He felt like a very small pink puppy about to face a very big adventure.
He forced his tail, with its fluffy tassel on the end, to stand up straight. He was a Hero. And he was going to act like one. He’d done all the Planning he could.
Now all that was left was to get going.
Boo looked around the empty volcano ledge. It was still too early for students to be around. Even the wormhole guards were invisible today, though Boo supposed they were somewhere above him, keeping a lookout for invading bogeys. He sighed. Maybe they were keeping well away from the insane Expedition to the Ghastly Otherwhen. The only movement came from the bats, fluttering above the magma, and the glowing cinders that floated up towards the sky.
What had he expected? That the whole school and all the ancient Heroes from Rest in Pieces would be lined up here, cheering them off? That he’d have a school full of Heroes, all crying, ‘Take me to the Ghastly Otherwhen too’? No, Dr Mussells had made it quite clear that the school would have nothing to do with his scheme.
A few more bats flapped in and out of the volcano smoke, their red eyes glinting in the steam. From up at Rest in Pieces came the faint sound of an ancient Hero Wham! Bamm!ing his tentacle muesli into submission. But apart from that the school was empty.
No one else is coming, thought Boo grimly. Only someone who was desperate would ever go to the Ghastly Otherwhen. Someone like me. Or someone very, very dumb…
‘Hiya! You fall in beetroot soup?’ It was Mug.
Boo stared. ‘No, I’m disguised as a poodle. Um, why are you wearing giant mouse ears?’
‘It great disguise, huh? Me zombie mouse,’ said Mug proudly. ‘Me brought zombie sausage.’
‘Good weapon,’ said Boo, trying to think how he could get Mug disguised as something non-zombie. Some Cunning Planner you are, Boojum Bark, he thought. He hadn’t even realised Mug would need help with a disguise.
Mug shook his head, making one of the mouse ears flop over, then felt his neck to make sure the stitches had held.
‘No. Zombie sausage breakfast.’ He peered down at Boo again. ‘Your fur looks like pink fungus. Looks good. Me brought zombie pizza to fights bogeys.’ Mug grinned, showing crumbled green teeth. ‘Zombie pizza even gooder weapon than zombie spaghetti. Also great if we needs snack.’
Boo nodded slowly. He’d considered taking weapons. A few daggers. Maybe a chainsaw. But weapons said, ‘I am dangerous’. A poodle wouldn’t have weapons. Besides, he still hadn’t worked out how to throw daggers or operate a chainsaw with paws.
Mug gazed round the ledge. ‘How many other Heroes come?’
‘None.’
Mug shook his head. ‘Me not hear you.’
Boo sighed. ‘Your ear has fallen off. I SAID YOUR EAR HAS FALLEN OFF AGAIN. No, not your mouse ear. Your real ear.’ He sniffed around for a moment, then held Mug’s shrivelled ear up in his jaws. ‘Do you need a hand sticking it on? I SAID DO YOU NEED A HAND STICKING IT ON?’
Mug slapped a piece of duct tape on the ear, then clapped it onto his head below the mouse ear. ‘Me hear now. What you say?’
‘I said it’s just us.’
Mug grinned, showing what might have been bits of last night’s dinner or more teeth. ‘That goods.’
‘Good?’
‘Sure. Me only gots enough zombie sausage for us.’
Boo looked up at Mug again. The other mouse ear had flopped down now too.
Suddenly he knew he couldn’t do it. Mug would come with him anywhere, and so would Squeak. Which was the reason he couldn’t take either of them into this.
Boo stood up and tried to stop his tail from drooping. ‘I’m going alone.’
‘No yous nots,’ said Mug calmly.
‘Mug…it’s dangerous. I can’t let you come with me.’
‘Giant slugs dangerous too. But me beats them.’ Mug looked at him surprisingly shrewdly. ‘Me only mostly dumb. Some bits not dumb at all. And me coming.’ He held up a small brown object.
‘What’s that?’
‘Graunt Doom, she gives me Ghastly Otherwhen beetle. Me comes with you, or me comes after you. But me is going too.’
Boo’s tail began to wag. He wanted to lick the big zombie’s hand, but was afraid he might lick away some of Mug’s fungus. ‘Just the two of us then—’
‘Squeak!’ The mouse put his head out of the pouch. Somehow it looked ferocious and determined too.
‘Just the three of us then—’
Mug shook his head. ‘Graunt Doom said—’
Boo looked up. Someone was striding through the wormhole. Another student must have decided to join in! Was it T’ai T’ai the Terrible? She was great at Zoom!ing. Or Mad Martha? No one got away when Mad Martha got her teeth into…
Boo’s heart gave a thud. It was Yesterday. She blinked at him. ‘Boo, why are you all pink?’
She looked just like she had last week, except for her dress, which was her old tatty leather rag instead of the remnants of the dress she’d worn to the dance. Her feet were bare, her hands were empty. But her smile felt warmer than the volcano.
He wanted to leap all over the school, to run up to the top of the cliff and bark, ‘Yesterday is back!’
Instead he just said, ‘I’m disguised as a poodle. A pink one, for the Greedle to eat. How did you…?’ What do I say next? he thought. Escape? Get permission? Just how had Yesterday got here?
‘Well! Is that what you’re wearing? Good thing I brought more disguises, then.’
Princess Princess marched out of the wormhole carrying a big gold bag. She wore gold today, too—a long gold skirt, gold necklaces, gold slippers and a big gold crown. ‘I’m disguised as Queen Splendifera of Yukke,’ she added. She put the bag onto the black rock, and twirled around, making her skirt swirl. ‘Suits me, doesn’t it? You better all call me Your Majesty, just to keep up the disguise.’ She stared at Boo for a minute. ‘Pink so does not suit you. And that tuft on your tail looks like a duster.’
‘Princess Princess! What are you doing here?’
Princess Princess flushed. Boo didn’t think he’d ever seen Princess Princess blush before.
‘Coming to the Ghastly Otherwhen with you of course,’ she said shortly.
‘But you’re…’ Boo stopped.
Princess Princess stared at him. ‘I’m what?’ she challenged.
You’re a coward, he thought. He’d never even admitted it to himself. But he’d never ever expected Princess Princess to come today either.
Princess Princess lifted up her chin. ‘Look. I’m the best at everything, right?’
‘Er, yes,’ said Boo.
‘I’m the best Wham! Bamm!er in the school. A brilliant Zoom!er. The best Pow!a artist the school has ever known. I know all ninety-six volumes of the Nasty Book of Nasties off by heart and I can kick the Encyclopaedia of all the Universes right across the library. I’m the most gorgeous and the cleverest student in the school. Always. Right?’
‘Er, right.’
‘So what if there is one tiny heroic thing I haven’t got?’
‘Like courage?’ said Yesterday softly.
Princess Princess glared at her. ‘My dad paid a whole chest of the green gold of Pewké for you to come with us. That’s the most expensive gold in the universes,’ she explained to the others. ‘Even the Guardians were impressed by Pewké’s green gold. So you’d better show some gratitude.’
‘You rescued Yesterday?’
‘I hired her. Okay? For a week. And that’s as long as I’m staying too.’ Princess Princess pointed a gold toe at her pack. ‘I only brought enough clothes for a week.’
‘Bu—but why?’ stammered Boo.
‘Because I am a Hero,’ stated Princess Princess. She glared at them, as though daring anyone to contradict her. ‘And this is the most Heroic thing anyone has ever done. So I’m going too, no matter how dangerous it is.’ Princess Princess’s face turned pale at the word danger. She gulped, then put her chin up even higher.
‘And ‘cause Graunt Doom say you find handsome prince in Ghastly Otherwhen,’ rumbled Mug calmly.
‘What?!’ Boo stared. ‘There aren’t any handsome princes in the Ghastly Otherwhen!’
‘Says who? No one has ever come back from there.’ Princess Princess had her old tone of control. ‘There may be thousands of handsome princes there. Maybe the Greedle kept them prisoner, like Boo’s mum.’
‘Graunt Doom never wrong,’ added Mug.
‘But…’ Shut up, Boo told himself. Princess Princess is coming with us! The most Heroic Wham! Bamm!er and Zoom!er in the school. That had to be good. And she’d brought Yesterday! Maybe in a week he could convince the Finder not to go back to her universe. Plus if Graunt Doom Saw that Princess Princess would find a handsome prince, maybe that meant they’d all get back…
…or Princess Princess must get home, at least, with or without a handsome prince at her side.
‘And anyway,’ Princess Princess/Queen Splendifera added airily, ‘we don’t have to worry at all. Because Yesterday can Find any trouble before we get into it. And if any bogeys do take us by surprise—’
Something burst out of the wormhole. Something with fangs and razor claws. A whole mob of somethings, Boo corrected himself. One, two, three, four…
Four dinosaurs: the giant beast that had invaded the school dance, the one that Yesterday had danced with and two others a little smaller than the dancer.
The giant dinosaur skidded to a stop. It casually snapped a few bats out of the air, crunched them and looked around for more.
Boo gulped. It looked as though his Expedition was a bit…different from what he had expected.
TENTACLE MUPPINS
Ingredients:
1 bogey
2 cups self raising flour
3/4 cup buttermilk
1 cup blueberries
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 egg
Method:
First catch your bogey. Make sure it’s very dead. Remove a tentacle. (If it has no tentacles catch another bogey. If it tries to eat you Wham! Bam! it a few times again.) Chop tentacle finely. (Make sure your axe is sharp. If you don’t have an axe use your false teeth.) Combine with all other ingredients. Bake in a greased muffin pan for 20 minutes in a moderate oven or till brown, or lower into the volcano for 3.2 seconds. Pick out bat doo doo. Eat hot or cold.
FROM THE REST IN PIECES COOKBOOK
CONTRIBUTED BY DAHLIA THE DAZZLER