18
Princess Princess Takes Control

‘My dad hired the dinosaurs too,’ finished Princess Princess/Queen Splendifera. ‘Well,’ she said, as the others stared at her, and the dinosaurs spread out to investigate the school rubbish bins, ‘the dinosaurs ate the Greedle and its bogeys, didn’t they? So they can keep me, I mean us, perfectly safe in the Ghastly Otherwhen.’

‘But there’ll be lots more bogeys in the Ghastly Otherwhen…’ began Boo, keeping one eye on the dinosaurs. The smallest one, a striped monster as big as the Werewolf General, had pulled what looked like a pile of sheep guts out of one of the rubbish bins.

What Hero brought sheep guts to school for lunch? Or were they left over from a bogey-hunting Expedition? Yum, thought Boo.

‘Stop dribbling. How do you know how many bogeys there’ll be? And anyway,’ said Queen Splendifera of Yukke dangerously, ‘no one is going to stop me getting my handsome prince. And, a school medal.’

She looked the others up and down, then sighed. ‘You so don’t look disguised.’ She bent down and rummaged in her bag, then heaved a clanking bundle out and dropped it at Mug’s feet. ‘Go on. Put it on.’

Mug stared at the glinting pile. Princess Princess frowned. ‘It’s armour, you dumb zombie. It’ll hide your yukky zombie fuzz.’

‘Fuzz good,’ objected Mug. ‘Took me hundred years to grow good fuzz.’

‘To disguise yourself, you idiot. Not as a zombie. The Greedle’s bogeys will be expecting a zombie. So you’re not going to look like one.’ She stared around at them all confidently. ‘I’ve thought of a Cunning Plan. It’s a brilliant one, too.’

‘What is it?’ asked Boo, a bit jealous. This was his Expedition. Which meant it should be his Cunning Plan.

‘We’re going to be Her Majesty, Queen Splendifera of Yukke, the most royal bogey in the universes, and her guard and lady-in-waiting—that’s you—’ she nodded to Yesterday ‘—bringing a delicious poodle as a gift for the Greedle. It’s a good thing you decided to get that stupid pink haircut,’ she added to Boo. ‘It’s so not good-looking. But it does make you look like a poodle.’

This was his Cunning Plan! More or less, anyhow. Boo bit back a growl. What did it matter, as long as the Plan was a good one?

‘Here.’ Princess Princess bent down and tied something onto his head.

‘What is it?’

‘A pink bow. The best poodles always have pink bows.’ Princess Princess bent down again. ‘Here’s one for your tail too.’

‘I’m not wearing—’ Boo bit back that growl as well. I’m doing this for Mum, he reminded himself. And so my friends don’t get ripped to pieces by bogeys. I can take a couple of pink bows…

Someone giggled beside him. He glanced up. It was Yesterday. Yesterday giggling! She caught him looking at her and straightened her face carefully.

‘And a little perfume too.’ Princess Princess squirted him with cold sparkly mist from a tiny gold bottle. Boo swallowed a sneeze. He could feel his tail sag between his legs. He smelt of roses! No werewolf in the whole of Sleepy Whiskers ever smelt of roses!

For the first time he was glad there were no other werewolves around to smell him. He’d have to have a (bleugh) bath before he went home. And find a nice

dead seagull to roll in—or maybe those guts in the rubbish bin…

At least nothing—even the bogeys of the Ghastly Otherwhen—would ever think he was a werewolf. Not if they had noses.

Beside him Mug was struggling into his armour. Boo had to admit it was a good fit, and a good disguise too. A few stray bits of green fungus poked through the metal gaps, but if you didn’t look hard you’d never guess they were zombie mould.

Princess Princess nodded at Yesterday. ‘Your costume is in the bag as well.’

Yesterday pulled out a blue silk dress. She looked at Princess Princess enquiringly.

‘The Greedle’s bogeys will never recognise you in something pretty,’ said Princess Princess airily.

Yesterday pulled the dress over her head without comment. She slipped it over her thin body, then wriggled the tattered skins down underneath. The smallest dinosaur lunged over, and sniffed her cautiously.

‘Gree—eek!’ it complained.

Princess Princess tapped her golden foot. ‘It’s usual to wear shoes, you know. They’re in the bag too. And a comb. My mum would shriek if she saw hair like that on any of her ladies-in-waiting.’ She turned to Boo. ‘Your lead and harness are in there too.’

‘My what?’ howled Boo.

Princess Princess looked at him coolly. ‘Your harness. You’re a present for the Greedle, remember? You’ll be walking on a lead!’

This time the growl escaped. It was a big one. ‘Grrrf! No werewolf has ever worn a lead!’

‘Congratulations. You’re the first.’

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t! But he could, Boo realised. And he would. He had to admit that Princess Princess’s Plan was more…complete…than his. He sighed, and nosed the harness out of the bag. It was pink, too, with little flowers on it, and insultingly small. He looked over at Yesterday. ‘You’ll have to help me put it on.’

She nodded. It was so good to see her, Boo realised. So good that she was coming with them. It just felt right. He smiled at her, and caught an answering almost-smile back. She looked quite different with the dress on. The Yesterday who’d danced in the green dress had been a Hero, proud and defiant. This Yesterday looked subdued. A lady’s maid…

Yes, Boo admitted. Princess Princess was clever. All at once his resentment fled. Princess Princess would help get Mum back, and get them all home safely. And that was all that mattered.

A sudden thought occurred to him. ‘What about the dinosaurs?’ A tiny flicker of pleasure seeped through him. Even Princess Princess couldn’t disguise a dinosaur!

Princess Princess bent down and picked something else out of the bag.

‘Get the dinosaurs together, Yesterday,’ she ordered.

Yesterday looked at her for a second, then nodded. ‘Grrzp! Splkt!’

The dinosaurs looked up reluctantly. One by one they trotted back to Yesterday, and bent their heads. The biggest had a bone between its razor jaws. It crunched it casually, swallowed and burped. A spray of bone dust splattered over the group.

‘Yuck,’ said Princess Princess. ‘I so didn’t need dino dribble on my dress. Make sure they don’t do it again.’ She held the can up in front of her.

Spritz!

Suddenly the air was full of floating pink mist. It fell over the dinosaurs, leaving them coated in pink fuzz.

‘See?’ said Princess Princess proudly. ‘Instant poodles!’ She handed a bundle to Yesterday. ‘Put these on them too.’

Yesterday nodded, still silent. She gestured to the dinosaurs to bend down.

False ears and fluff for the ends of their tails, realised Boo. Pink fur, false ears and tail-puffs, pink bows to glue onto their heads, pink harnesses and leads…Princess Princess had thought of everything.

Suddenly the dinosaurs really did look like…

Well, not quite poodles. He had to admit he didn‘t quite achieve poodleosity either. But maybe we look like poodles from another universe, he thought hopefully. Nice big tender poodles for the Greedle to eat.

He looked at the creatures again. They were making little hissing noises as they examined each other. Was it anger or delight? Or just shock at so much pink fuzzy dino skin?

Why did he feel so cold? It must be the lack of fur, thought Boo. It couldn‘t be terror. This was what he‘d been working towards for nearly a year! All the push-ups and the walking-on-two-legs practise to get to Hero School; all the embarrassments and boo-boos of his first months learning to be a Hero. All had been leading up to this.

He cleared his throat. ‘Time to—’ he began.

‘Doom! Doom! Doom!’ Boo looked up as Graunt Doom hobbled down the path from Rest in Pieces, a zombie muffin wriggling in her hand. She bashed it with her stick, then took a bite. Dr Mussells walked behind her. Boo blinked. It was the first time he had ever seen the principal walk, instead of swinging through the air. He looked smaller somehow.

Graunt Doom grinned. ‘Doom! Doom! is traditional send-off for Heroic Expedition,’ she boomed.

Boo gulped. ‘Then it doesn’t mean we’re doomed?’

‘Someone always doomed on Heroic Expedition, wolf-puppy. Don’t know if it you.’

Dr Mussells simply said, ‘Good luck. You’ll need it.’ He patted Boo on the head, then reached to shake the others’ hands. He looked up a bit helplessly at the poodlesaurs, whose pink paws were way above the old monkey’s head—Boo had never seen the principal look helpless before either—then contented himself with another ‘Good luck’ up in their general direction.

‘Thank you, Dr Mussells.’ Princess Princess raised one arm Heroically above her curls. ‘We who are about to invade the Ghastly Otherwhen and Heroically rescue Boo’s mum salute you. Well, don’t just stand there,’ she added to the others. Princess Princess stalked towards the wormhole, then peered back. ‘Come on.’ She picked up Boo’s lead.

Queen Splendifera of Yukke marched into the wormhole, tugging Boo behind her.

Question: What’s ten metres tall, has razor claws and purple fangs?

Answer: Who cares? Run!

FROM THE VERY VERY NASTY BOOK OF VERY VERY NASTIES