29
The Greedle’s Holiday Camp and Spa
‘Well,’ said Yesterday flatly, as they stood on the top of the hill. ‘That looks like it.’
Boo stared. Tall pink hedges with rich-smelling purple fruit hid most of the valley below. Only the giant gates stood open, revealing short grass and even more hedges inside. Above the gate a sign winked on and off:
THE GREEDLE’S BEST SPA IN THE UNIVERSES AND HOLIDAY CAMP. WELCOME!
‘Thank you. I can read!’ Princess Princess’s voice was just a little shrill. She gulped and thrust her shoulders back. ‘Okay, everyone. Forward march.’
‘Just walk, you dumb zombie. Walk!’
They walked, Massive and Roary in front, then Mug clanking in his armour, then Boo straining at the end of his leash. Queen Splendifera and Yesterday followed, with the other two dinosaur poodles behind.
There was no reason to lift his leg to leave directions now. The giant sign loomed over the landscape. Boo’s nostrils strained to smell what was inside the compound. Hot coconut, the scent of peaches, cold chocolate…and, yes, the Best Ice Cream in the Universes, coming closer and closer still.
Mum! he thought. Mum, we’re nearly there!
‘Keep a lookout, everyone,’ hissed Princess Princess out of the corner of her mouth. The rest of her mouth was set in a gracious queen-type smile. ‘Yesterday, can you Find anything?’
‘Not much.’ Yesterday’s voice was strained. ‘I can See stalls…and people. A few creatures too. But none of them weapons.’
Boo gulped. When you had tentacles and fangs and slime that could glue a person up until you slurped out his rotten innards, weapons were just icing on the cockroach cupcake.
‘I’m sorry,’ Yesterday added. ‘I should be able to See more. But something’s blocking me, just like when the Greedle invaded the school. There’re areas of blankness I can’t See into.’
I could smell danger then, thought Boo. But all I can smell now is food.
Somehow not being able to smell danger now felt even worse.
And one of them would die…
‘Look,’ he barked softly. ‘I can go on alone now—pretend I’ve wandered off—and scout things out. There’s no reason to risk everyone.’
Yesterday smiled. ‘Of course there is.’
Boo’s brow furrowed. ‘What?’
‘You our friend,’ boomed Mug. ‘You go, we go.’
‘And we’re Heroes!’ Princess Princess’s voice was trying to be confident but it sounded more like a squeak.
‘Can you See anything else at all?’
‘Ice cream,’ said Yesterday flatly. ‘I can See ice cream.’
Mum, thought Boo. She’s here.
They were almost at the gates now. The scents grew even stronger. The breeze suddenly became a wind, buffeting them. But for once it was silent.
Boo found himself wishing it would sing about the Greedle again. Somehow the silence was even worse. ‘THE BREEZE IS GONE,’ he whisper-yelled at Mug, and mimed putting an ear back on with a front paw. Mug nodded (carefully) and used a stapler from somewhere inside his armour to reattach his ear through a gap in his helmet.
Princess Princess glanced around. ‘No sign of guards,’ she whispered.
‘Maybe…maybe the guards have gone, now the Greedle‘s dead,’ barked Boo softly. ‘Maybe it really is a Spa and Holiday Camp.‘
‘Maybe,’ said Princess Princess doubtfully. ‘Remember the chapter in The Book of Cunning Plans about appearances being deceiving…but you haven‘t read it, have you?‘
‘No.‘
‘Pity,’ said Princess Princess. ‘It would be sort of useful if you had.‘
They trod slowly, under the big blinking sign, through the gate in the hedges. Massive and Roary stopped, staring about them. The rest of the party stopped too.
They‘d arrived.
It was a park, broken up into small ‘rooms’ by the internal hedges, which had archways cut through their leaves and branches. This first glade held gaily striped stalls, tents and caravans; Boo caught a glimpse of small pools that bubbled like a good rat stew.
It all looked beautiful. And much too quiet. And it smelt of hamburgers and…
…danger.
‘Welcome to the Greedle‘s Best Spa and Holiday Camp in the Universes! I‘m BAD.‘
Boo jumped. He‘d been so intent on sniffing he hadn’t noticed the donkey approach. Good thing it wasn’t an attacking bogey, he reproached himself.
The donkey smiled, showing her big white donkey teeth. She’s quite a nice-looking donkey, thought Boo, though the rolling red eyes spoil the effect a bit. He sniffed her hooves surreptitiously. The donkey smelt like liquorice allsorts. That’s how I missed it, thought Boo. I never thought a creature would smell of liquorice allsorts.
‘I don’t mean I am bad,’ added the donkey. ‘Ha, ha, ha. B-A-D stands for Beautiful Administrative Donkey. My job is to welcome guests.’
‘Hello,’ rumbled Mug. ‘Me name is—ow!’ He stopped as Queen Splendifera poked him in the back.
‘Pleased to meet you, Ow,’ said BAD.
‘And I am Her Majesty Queen Splendifera of Yukke.’ Princess Princess gave a gracious smile. ‘And these two are my loyal minions. I’ve brought a gift of poodles for the dear Greedle. They are the most delicious poodles in the universes.’
‘They’re certainly the pinkest.’ BAD stared at the dinodoodles and Boo for a moment, then smiled again. ‘I’m afraid the dear Greedle isn’t here to accept your wonderful gift. No one has seen our Great Master for weeks. You know how it is. Always another universe to burn, shatter and destroy—after you’ve captured all the good things to eat, of course.’
‘Oh, of course,’ said Queen Splendifera. She smiled extra sweetly. ‘Speaking of things to eat…it’s just so hot here. You know what I’d just love before we take the poodles to the storage areas?’
‘What?’ asked BAD helpfully.
‘An ice cream.’
Boo held his breath. Would BAD go for it?
‘Ice cream! Of course. The Greedle is particularly fond of ice cream. In fact,’ BAD bent her head closer to Princess Princess, her red eyes rolling enthusiastically, ‘our Holiday Camp has the Best Ice Cream in the Universes! I was just about to offer you some—it’s this week’s Featured Food.’
‘No!’ exclaimed Princess Princess.
‘Yes! And this is the only place in the universes where you can get it.’
Huh, thought Boo. He could make the Best Ice Cream in the Universes just as well as Mum. Liar, liar, pants on fire.
He lifted up his nose and sniffed in what he hoped was a Silly Poodle fashion and not at all like a Wary Werewolf. Was that Mum’s scent? He sniffed again. It was! Excitement prickled through his fur. He hesitated. Mum’s scent was…different…too…
What could make Mum smell different?
‘The ice-cream tent is just through here,’ BAD was saying, as she led the way through an arch in the hedge. ‘Ah, do look out,’ she added, as Mug discovered that a two-metre-high zombie didn’t fit through a 1.69-metre-high arch in a hedge.
‘Me need to keep eye on where me going,’ boomed Mug. ‘Not on ground.’ He bent down, his armour clanking, brushed the twigs off his eye and poked it back in again.
‘Ha, ha,’ said Queen Splendifera. ‘That guard of mine is always joking.’
‘Really?’ BAD gave a polite bray of laughter too. ‘Ha-haaar. By the way, there’s no need to get out any scones and strawberry jam. Everything in the Greedle’s Best Spa in the Universes and Holiday Camp is free to anyone in the Ghastly Otherwhen, a gift from the Good Greedle. Let’s see…’ BAD twitched her ears. ‘That’s the Best Black Jellybeans in the Universe stand over there. The Best Chocolate-Coated Sultanas stall, the Best Lettuce Salad with Orange Salad Dressing marquee—you really have to try some before you go—the best Stuffed Lizard Guts canteen. And here,’ BAD waved a hoof, ‘is the Best Ice Cream in the Universes!’
‘Mum,’ whispered Boo.
THE BEST ICE CREAM IN THE UNIVERSES
Ingredients:
2 tonnes rose petals
1,4689 crushed meringues
10 litres passionfruit juice
94 lizard tongues
1 megalitre custard
2 pinches secret ingredient
Method:
Sniff rose petals and lizard tongues. Throw them out. Eat the meringues with the passionfruit juice. Freeze the other ingredients. Now make another thousand litres—because everyone will be demanding MORE.
FROM THE BEST ICE-CREAM RECIPE BOOK IN THE UNIVERSES