Cassie seemed to be thinking over his words, but told him to go into the bathroom so she could look at the bullet graze where his first aid kit was. He’d listened to her and made his way into the large guest bathroom downstairs, and she’d followed him in, but then he’d thought better of letting her touch him when his thoughts about her were already so confused, and had resisted her efforts to see it, clean it or put any kind of antiseptic lotion on it.
“Just let me see it.” Cassie reached for his arm again, her tone growing more frustrated.
Jake tugged his arm away as she stretched out her hand, barely moving it away in time. He almost wished he was wearing long sleeves, but then again with the way she was taking this so seriously, she’d probably make him peel his shirt off. Not something he wanted to do in a small room alone with Cassie. Just thinking about it made him swallow hard and wish he had something else to focus on right now.
“It’s fine, Cassie.”
“I still think you need to go to the hospital. How are you supposed to keep me safe if you have an untreated concussion, or if this wound goes septic, hmm?” She stepped closer.
Jake stepped backward. She was cute when she was mad. He’d never tell her so, since it was far from politically correct and would only make her angrier, but it was true. He tried not to smile.
Apparently not hard enough. Her frown deepened.
“Do not laugh at me, Jake Stone.” She stepped closer again.
He tried to move back, but there was nothing behind him but the bathtub. She’d blocked him into the room. Despite her warning, he laughed, and tried to deflect from the fact that he was so overwhelmed by her closeness right now that he didn’t care about a stupid gunshot wound or a little head trauma. “You know, I’m a paramedic. I do know some of the same stuff you do. Concussion protocol, wound care...”
“And you’re also proof of the fact that doctors or people in the medical field make the worst patients. You can’t treat yourself and you know it. Now hush.” She grabbed his arm, far enough away from the graze that it didn’t hurt. Her hands on his arm brought all his focus there, and all he could think about were her fingers on his skin.
So he hushed. Didn’t say a word.
She examined the wound first, then proceeded to clean it, apply triple antibiotic and then dress it. All things he could have done himself. And without the overload of emotions.
If she hadn’t left, they could have been married by now. He’d thought it more than once before, but it kept surfacing, probably because he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why they weren’t. On his end, were there any real reasons not to start something again? Other than the fear of being hurt.
Fear was no way to live. He’d almost died today.
Maybe that was why when she came near, he caught his breath, was fully aware of how close their faces were with her leaning down like that, and how easy it would be to press his lips to hers and pick up where they’d left off with that kiss yesterday...
But it wasn’t wise to do so. Not in this room alone, emotions high from the day. He’d determined to do better this time. So he decided to talk instead.
“About today...” he started.
Cassie shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it yet.”
Her voice quavered at the end and Jake stopped speaking. She looked over at him, relief relaxing her features. “Thank you.”
He nodded. Then couldn’t resist. “I’m okay, Cassie. God protected me.”
She snorted.
And he felt himself pull away.
“What did that mean?” he asked, wanting to stay calm. She’d said several things about God during their relationship and engagement that he’d been a little concerned about, but she hadn’t grown up in church like he had. Jake had been raised in church and had trusted Jesus to save him when he was seven years old. Cassie...
At the time Jake hadn’t known much about Cassie’s story, faith-wise. He wasn’t one to preach, but rather to lead by example. In hindsight, he wished he’d pushed a little more, asked more questions. He’d been in the dark then about her deepest beliefs, if she had any at all.
And the same was true now, he realized.
Dread settled in his stomach as all the pieces fit together. Her lack of knowledge, comments like this, the way she’d pulled away from any attempts at spiritual conversations when they’d dated before. “What, Cassie?” he asked again, needing to know now. He had years’ worth of questions he feared might be getting answered right now.
Did Cassie even know Jesus? Jake wasn’t judging. He didn’t think doubts defined a person’s faith. But the fact was...he wasn’t sure she’d ever given him any reason to believe she trusted Jesus personally. She’d only been very tolerant of his faith, he now realized.
“I just don’t know why you say stuff like that.”
“About God protecting me?” That seemed obvious to him. He was alive. She was alive. Surely she could see how that provided some evidence of God at work, especially when one considered how many other times they’d been attacked in the last few days.
“If He’s God, why doesn’t He just stop it all, Jake? Why?” She’d stopped doctoring his arm and was pacing the bathroom, looking back at him now and then. Her shoulders were tense, in a defensive posture, like this was something she wasn’t fully comfortable talking about.
Now that he let himself think about it, Jake remembered her asking before about how God could let bad things happen, but he’d written it off as a common struggle some Christians have.
Now he was wondering...
“Cassie, it comes down to this. Do you trust Jesus?”
She stopped. Looked straight at him. “No, Jake, I really don’t.”
And he didn’t know what to say to that. Instead he prayed, right there, his arm bandaged, head pounding, sitting on the closed lid of a toilet while the woman he’d wanted to marry stood in front of him telling him that they never should have planned to get married in the first place.
Why had he never realized Cassie didn’t believe?
God, why did I fall so deeply in love with her if I was never supposed to have her? He’d no sooner articulated the prayer than he rejected part of its premise. He had full confidence they were supposed to be together. Or...were supposed to have been at one point?
All confidence faded.
I love her, God. But she doesn’t love You.
And they had a son together. But she wasn’t a believer.
What did he do with that?
“Cassie.” Jake took a breath, focused on her, on the fact that there was a real person in front of him, one he loved very much, who didn’t understand how much the God who created the world loved her personally. “I don’t want to fight with you, but I promise, God can handle your anger, okay? He’s real and He gets what we are feeling better than we do. You can ask Him all this stuff.”
“Even if I’m not sure I believe in Him?” Her face was defiant, but he saw in her eyes a flicker of hope he chose to cling to.
“Talk to Him, Cassie. And think about this week, okay?”
“My aunt was killed. Not died in her sleep or anything like that, killed. Homicide. You know the coroner is going to confirm that. That’s what happened this week.”
“And even though we’ve been shot at multiple times, we are okay. Will is okay. Even the fact that you left before could have saved your life—what if you and Will had been with your aunt the day she was taken? Look at the other side here and maybe you’ll see God at work, Cassie.”
“I may not.” She said it like a warning. But she didn’t argue, and Jake thought that was positive.
“Just try, okay?”
She nodded and then moved back to him. “How is your head? Any double vision?”
He let her keep nursing him for now, even while his heart pounded along with the churning in his stomach. He still loved her. But he couldn’t let himself think past being her friend for now, not when she didn’t believe like he did. Even if the Bible didn’t say not to marry an unbeliever, he’d known too many people who had divorced over faith issues. When he did get married, he wanted it to be forever.
But he also wanted it to be with Cassie.
God, help me. And help her believe.
Cassie turned over in the bed again and pushed the button on her cell phone to see the time. 2:28 a.m. At this rate, she might not sleep at all tonight, if she didn’t fall asleep soon.
Jake’s words from earlier, about God’s protection, kept rolling through her mind. It was crazy how much shifting her perspective, to tentatively wondering if his explanation could be right, made her see things differently.
Could it be true that God had protected them?
Yes, she admitted finally as she turned over another time, back to the side where she’d started just now.
But still, why let the bad things happen in the first place? That was a question she couldn’t seem to answer. Would reading the Bible help, or would it just push her further away?
It was important to Jake that she believed. They’d been in some kind of dance all day long, since that kiss. Toward each other, then away. Together. Away. Jake was pulling away again and she knew it was because of the faith issue. Cassie also knew from all the times she’d spent listening to Jake’s pastor preach in church during high school that she couldn’t make decisions about her own relationship with God—like if she wanted to have one—based on someone else. It was a personal thing. That much she understood.
But she didn’t understand God. And she wanted to.
But maybe she wasn’t supposed to.
Her head was starting to hurt, whether in sympathy to Jake’s injury or from all the thinking, or more likely exhaustion, she wasn’t sure. Cassie rubbed her forehead and rolled to her stomach, burying her face in the pillow.
Okay, God, if You’re real, I’ll give You a chance to show me, okay? Just make it clear. Like maybe help us with this case. And help me get to sleep.
Cassie sank deeper into the pillow and felt herself drifting off.
She woke up to crying, but slowly, like her body had been so deep into sleep it had to shake off several layers of mental blankets to even make it to this dazed, half-awake state.
There was a shadow at the foot of the bed holding Will, who was crying. She tensed but instantly relaxed when she realized it was Jake. Holding their son.
Cassie blinked her eyes to wake up, to get used to the darkness, and to try to reconcile what she was seeing.
She wanted to be with this man forever. Why did she keep trying to deny that? The way he held Will so carefully amazed her. Still, it wasn’t helping Will who looked to be having one of his rare, but occasional, night terrors.
“He won’t stop crying.” Jake’s voice was heartbroken and puzzled. “Does he want you?”
“Sometimes he can’t wake up. It’s like his mind gets stuck.” Cassie reached for him and sat him up. “Will, buddy? Can you hear me?”
It took a few seconds but he eventually nodded.
“Okay, it’s time to go to sleep now.”
He started to cry again. Cassie wanted to cry too. She was exhausted, and when she was awake, she was thinking about her aunt and the fact that she’d never get to see her again. Memories of her aunt brought back remembrances of nights like these. It had been her aunt who’d woken up with her, who’d tucked her in at night. Her dad had done what he could but he’d been grieving her mom’s abandonment and he’d been so busy with work. Much of her comfort as a kid had come from her aunt.
“Want me to tell you a story?” she asked as she thought about Aunt Mabel. She’d told her the same bedtime story nearly every night. It had been years since she’d heard it, and she’d never thought before to tell it to Will, but being up here in Alaska made her nostalgic. And it was a tiny piece of her aunt she could hold onto. “Listen, my sweetheart, to this tale. For from it, you will learn how to do the right thing, and from the truth, never to turn.”
The familiar opening slipped off her lips like she’d told it a thousand times instead of just listened to it. Memory was a funny thing. Cassie snuggled her son closer and continued.
“Once upon a time there was a princess who was as kind as she was beautiful. Her hair was golden, and the men of the kingdom were enchanted with her. One night, while she was sleeping in her castle at the base of a mountain, a man stole her away to his mountain cave. The man who had planned to marry the princess was brokenhearted and determined to find her. He pushed through crowds of trees and devil’s club to trace the steps her captors had taken. He climbed mountains.”
Will smiled a little. “I climbed a mountain.”
“You did,” Cassie agreed. “Part of one, anyway. Back to the story, okay? Ah yes, the prince. So he climbed mountains. He ignored the promise of other thrones if he’d abandon his quest and followed straight ahead instead. He was not stopped by rivers, and he even pursued, like true north, his princess, into the heart of darkness where she was kept. He navigated the maze to the dungeon. Left, right, left, left, and there she was alone and cold. He gathered her in his arms and kissed her, but he didn’t just stay there. He took her back to the town, where the people had loved her, and they were married there.”
“I saw a throne once,” Will mumbled as Cassie settled him back down onto his pillow, since he’d looked to her like he was sleeping. And maybe he was, he certainly wasn’t making much sense.
“Okay, sweetheart.” It was better to agree with him when he was like this.
“When we were hiking. There was a throne on the rock. We turned there and walked a looooooong way...” His voice trailed off and Cassie smiled at him. Then her smile fell.
She looked at Jake.
They had turned, abandoned a trail at a rock that, according to Will, had looked like a throne. They hadn’t continued straight ahead.
Shivers crawled down her arms, then back up again. “You don’t think...”
He nodded slowly. “Your aunt knew where the Raven Pass treasure was.”
Cassie whispered back. “And she told me how to find it.”