IN an appeal to “neighborly spirit,” President Reagan is asking homeowners to help ease the plight of the country’s growing number of homeless MX missiles. Speaking at the annual convention of the North American Bungalow League (NABUNGLE), Mr. Reagan cited a new Pentagon study predicting approximately five hundred thousand un-domiciled missiles in the United States by 1984. He urged each American family to open its door to a needy missile, “like we used to do.” Calling his plan “MX Housekeeper,” the President noted that “there are a far greater number of lovely guest rooms in this great country than homeless ICBMs.”
Mr. Reagan went on to describe the nationwide crisis. “Rusting and dented, their spare parts stuffed haphazardly into shopping bags, the vagrant missile is getting to be a common sight in most of America’s major cities,” he said. “In the Southwest, you can see whole families of uprooted MXs squeezed into ’74 Buicks, Ford Rancheros, and two-door Toyota Coronas. And every spring in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, thousands of young, barefoot MX missiles crowd the beaches, where they sing ‘Michael, Row the Boat Ashore’ and spend their nights in sleeping bags.”
The President warned that the Soviet Union continues to have a “substantial monopoly” on missile shelters. He proposed four additional programs to close the shelter gap:
Amtrak Pack: In a plan that has already divided the nation’s redcaps, roomettes on Amtrak’s New York–to–Miami line would be reserved for qualifying missiles. Connecting return-trip tickets on the Silver Meteor would be provided upon arrival at destination. Complimentary wine-and-cheese basket.
Woodstock Pack: Research funds have been appropriated to study the feasibility of erecting tents on the famed six-hundred-acre site in upstate New York to house up to three hundred thousand MX missiles for a three-day music festival featuring Country Joe & the Fish and Suzanne Somers. Car pools from Colorado and Vermont.
Bundling Pack: A salute to America’s pioneers and the spirit of self-reliance, this nationwide bundling board would permit missiles to huddle side by side for warmth. Defending the plan, Mr. Reagan commented, “Even if all the homeless MX missiles were placed end to end in a line, that line would stretch from San Diego to Boston without compromising more than three or maybe four so-called wilderness areas.”
Au-Pair Pack: As an adjunct to the Pershing-missile scholarship program, the au-pair pack would arrange for the placement of thousands of au-pair missiles with French, English, and German families willing to share their homes in exchange for occasional babysitting.
The President also called on municipal governments to pitch in. He singled out New York City, which has one of the largest populations of homeless MXs in the country, as the ideal location for a pilot program. Fleets of vans would cruise midtown Manhattan in the evenings, making special stops at the Port Authority Bus Terminal and Pennsylvania Station, two places at which transient missiles tend to congregate. Teams of highly trained social workers would seek out the missiles and offer them doughnuts. The vans would then shuttle the missiles to city shelters for social services and showers.
Mr. Reagan thanked the churches and synagogues that have been providing cots and coffee for missiles in their areas. But he cautioned, “You have to do more than throw hot coffee at problems if we really believe in our hearts that every American missile has the right to a roof over its warheads.”
1983