DEAR Full-Fare Passenger Only,
This is the last edition of Air Pockets in its current form. With the next issue, our in-flight magazine will appear as a lively, fascinating, and informative paragraph on the back of your boarding pass. And it’s yours to take with you.
As this airline’s new chairman, I have the pleasure of announcing a host of other passenger-related initiatives inspired by our merger with the Fifteenth Circuit Bankruptcy Court:
• Baggage check-in and pickup at the luggage carousel are now two separate cash-pay opportunities.
• Lavatory Class, a low-cost alternative featuring aisle-free seating and almost unrestricted restroom privileges.
• SkyBump, our pioneering new in-flight fare-hike program.
• On landing, if you haven’t finished sucking your complimentary throat lozenge, please stick it on the armrest for the next passenger.
• Try our groundbreaking new In-Flight Meal Insurance: pay a small fee and you won’t be served an in-flight meal.
• Membership in our After-Dark Club entitles you to use of a flashlight, for reading and avoiding nasty tumbles in the aisle.
On top of all this, our fleet’s recent switch to Liberian registry means no more cumbersome seat belts, life vests, or oxygen masks and an end to those boring preflight demonstrations. Jittery fliers needn’t worry, though; they can join our exclusive Survivors’ Club and rent a personal Air Troubleshooter Kit (fire-extinguisher deposit extra).
Spiraling senior-airline-executive compensation costs have challenged us to find ways of effectively boosting revenues while lowering service levels. By cinching the money belt even tighter, we have found that we can better serve the most important people of all: our shareholders. Accordingly, new profit requirements dictate that children under five be carried in the overhead compartments on all flights. Remember: Deposit ten dollars in nickels and set the time lock before bolting the compartment door shut. And, on the ground, we’ve simplified procedures dramatically, eliminating preflight passenger check-in service and seat selection. With our new AirSprint feature, all ticketed passengers in the departure lounge are invited to race for the jetway when the buzzer sounds. Passengers will be reassured to know that costly counter personnel have been transferred to such urgent duties as siphoning gas from cars in the parking lot to fuel our air fleet and filling in for those unionized flight mechanics who are always calling in sick.
I am also happy to report that our flight schedules are being continuously overhauled to minimize passenger convenience and to help our board members travel more easily to their favorite resorts and spas. For example, Santa Barbara has been added to our nonstop Nantucket–Hobe Sound–Nice–Columbus, Ohio route. Next spring will mark the inauguration of our nonstop annual Sioux Falls–Beijing Flight No. 0. (Return flights are in the advanced let’s-consider-it stage.) And, as you know, we have just announced new partnerships with BulgAir, ParaguAir, and Air Eire, insuring that international travelers will have the opportunity to change planes three times on even the shortest routes. With the recent leasing of our hub to Wal-Mart, ours is now the world’s first true “all-spoke” airline.
On a final note, immediately after your aircraft took off today the International Brotherhood of Airport Runway Pavers, Scrapers, and Stripers declared a wildcat strike against this airline, and therefore your plane cannot land at any airport in North America. Be assured that management will continue to bargain in good faith while seeking alternative landing sites in the nearest friendly country—but we cannot and will not be blackmailed by exorbitant landing fees that make a mockery of our policy of fiscal restraint. So please stow all loose articles and bring your seat to the full upright position.
2005