ED and I each have come up with a proposed plan for the cessation of hostilities between the Reagan administration and our household. Since our plans differ in certain minor respects (Ed taking a somewhat tougher line), we offer both versions, in the hope that they may at least stimulate the administration to consider negotiations toward ending the past six and a half years of drawn-out mutual aggression and mistrust. This is not a ploy or a farce on our part. We are even putting all our personal problems on the back burner while we press these initiatives. We now task the administration with showing how sincere it is by responding in a spirit of reconciliation and good faith.
| MY PLAN | ED’S PLAN |
1. Immediate suspension of Elliott Abrams, who will then be reflagged as a Kuwaiti vessel. |
1. Ed given a line-item veto on presidential rhetoric. |
2. Unconditional withdrawal of the Bork nomination; Bork allowed to head a presidential commission on the colorization of film classics. |
2. Immediate amnesty for Ed’s mother, a political prisoner of right-wing mailing lists. |
3. Trade and assistance: As soon as the first two conditions are met, we will give support to the administration’s economic goals by ceasing our costly flow of Mailgrams to the White House, thus freeing funds for disbursement to more productive sectors of the economy and enabling us to stop accepting aid from Ed’s mother. |
3. U.S. diplomatic relations with puppet regime of Pat Buchanan severed for an indefinite cooling-off period; in return, Ed will use all his influence to halt Latin-American incursions by Joan Didion. |
4. National plebiscite on secular humanism, to be supervised by elected representatives from four regional productions of La Cage aux Folles. |
4. Arms reduction: Ronald Reagan to enter into a one-on-one dialogue with Peter Ueberroth to achieve a 60-day suspension of Mike Scott of the Houston Astros for pitching defaced baseballs. This is just to give Ed an added incentive to abide by the remainder of the plan. |
5. Timetable for routine Rorschach and Stanford-Binet testing of President Reagan. |
5. Timetable for the election of someone else as president by the end of 1988. |
1987