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When Katerina came to she was on the ground, lying on a blanket, and Sarah was on a stretcher beside her. Paramedics were bent over her mother checking her pulse and applying an oxygen mask. Sitting up made Katerina’s head spin but she forced herself to do it anyway.
There was a haze in the air from the bomb’s aftermath which made it hard to even breathe. The building itself was a tangled, misshapen pile of rubble. It was impossible to make head or tail of it. It looked like it had imploded and dropped inwards — yet there was wreckage everywhere. Some of it had showered Katerina. She could feel pain through her whole body as she tried to get a good look at everything.
“Katerina, how are you feeling?” someone was saying to her. It was one of the paramedics.
“How do you know my name?” she asked, suspicion flaring instantly.
“Your I.D., in your phone,” he replied and she subsided.
“How’s my mother?”
“She’s stable but we won’t know much until she wakes up. There’s a helicopter on the way to transfer her to Harlow Central.”
“No, she won’t want that. Has anyone called my father?”
“I tried,” the second medic spoke up. “But I just got an answer-phone.”
“Media’s here,” the first paramedic commented. As if that was her cue, Sarah stirred at that moment and opened her eyes. They fixed immediately on Katerina, then on the paramedics as she lifted the oxygen mask off her face. The first words from her mouth were not what Katerina expected at all. “Could you call us a taxi?” she asked the two men.
An argument ensued but Sarah was unshakable, radiating authority in a way Katerina had never witnessed before. Within five minutes they were heading for the road to wait for their taxi. Sarah led the way, adroitly avoiding the media vans pulling up on one side of the perimeter. “Don’t look,” she warned Katerina “The people that wanted us dead won’t hesitate to come after us if they know we survived.”
“Will they be here still?” Katerina asked shivering, not cold but nervous as she scouted for danger. People were starting to gather at the front gates but it was deserted on their side of the property so far.
“They won’t risk it. They’ll watch the TV and check the hospitals and the morgue.” They had breached the fence through a gaping hole courtesy of the explosion and stood silently together now, waiting for their ride. For the second time that evening, Katerina’s phone broke the silence and Sarah turned on her, “Don’t answer it. We need to work out what to do before we let anyone know we’re alive.”
“Okay,” Katerina said quietly, hitting the hang-up button. A few moments and it rang again. This time she turned it right off.
Their taxi arrived and Sarah gave the driver an address Katerina did not recognize. But when they reached their destination they started walking back the way they had come. At her querying glance, Sarah explained, “We’re going to a safe house while I work out what to do.”
They walked for quarter of an hour, both struggling with their injuries from the explosion; bruises, cuts, aching limbs, but determined to keep going. Sarah backtracked several times, took shortcuts and checked for surveillance in shop windows.
Eventually she appeared to be satisfied they weren’t being followed, leading them to a six-story apartment block. They made their way to the top floor, entering the penthouse with a key hidden in a ceiling panel of the elevator. The apartment was large and graceful with high, ornate ceilings and lush crimson wallpaper adorning its walls. It was sparsely furnished with an abandoned feel to it. They both collapsed into the two sole chairs in the main living area and Sarah closed her eyes wearily. Katerina stared off into space, dazed by the evening’s events.
“Mum, if you were to take a guess, who would you say is trying to kill us?” she asked finally, after a silence that dragged out into minutes.
“The way I see it there are two options, neither of them good,” Sarah said. Katerina sat up straight at her tone and studied the woman who, after today, she felt as if she barely knew. Her mother did not look good. Her face was pale and she was in obvious pain. “Either Zeus has men here to stop you...”
“But how could he know I would be doing this?” Katerina asked, then realized her mistake. She had revealed herself, but Sarah barely acknowledged it, even keeping her eyes closed as she continued.
“He has had people here for many years. I’ve met at least two of them — they keep an eye on us. And you haven’t exactly been inconspicuous, going to my work like that. Or worse, they may be Wilhelm’s men.”
“What do you mean? Why would he do this?”
Surprised at her response, Sarah sat up this time and studied her. “You really don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“Wilhelm will do anything to stop us from accessing Kainnan or finding him.”
“That can’t be right! He was the one that wanted us to kill his children before they ruin Kainnan.”
“Yes, to stop them from destroying the land. But also to maintain his grip on Kainnan. If that’s what you’ve been doing...?” At Katerina’s reluctant nod, she said bluntly, “Then you are an assassination squad, doing his job for him.”
“But he’s sick! He’s dying!”
“Have you ever seen him? Met him?” Katerina shook her head. “Because he’s not actually ill. He would just have you think that.”
“But Aaron, the priest that Wilhelm commissioned...”
“...Won’t have met him either, or may have met someone pretending to be him. He’s a master manipulator.”
“How do you know this?” Katerina exclaimed.
“We caught one of his men last year and under duress he revealed that not only is Wilhelm perfectly healthy and not dying, not even close, he’s even been coming to our world and manipulating events here to increase his power there.”
“I don’t understand. How does he do that? How does he fit in?”
“He’s like a chameleon from what his man said. He has a persona here which he created some years ago to blend right in. In fact,” she sighed, “the man we caught mocked us — he implied Wilhelm’s right under our noses and we haven’t detected him yet.”
“But he’s royalty! If he touched anyone here surely he would die?”
“No, unfortunately he can touch people here. He just can’t be touched by anyone from Earth when he’s on Kainnan.”
“You really do know a lot about Kainnan,” Katerina said. Her mother was silent, her silence indicating acquiescence. “So you know what I’m doing right now? I’m touching one of Wilhelm’s children on Kainnan.”
“I suspected as much. You’ve not been yourself the last week, like you’re not really here. There was the trip and your sudden interest in my work...” She trailed off, waiting for her daughter to respond.
“Surely there’s a way to find Wilhelm?” Katerina changed tack again.
“That’s what I’ve been working on these last months. I was actually on my way into work when I got the call you were there because I found something important. We’ve been trying to work out how Wilhelm developed and maintained his persona here. I’ve been tracking missing persons, because we thought he may’ve taken someone’s identity that way. I have a contact who thinks they’ve found something. They emailed it to my secure server and I was heading in to retrieve it.”
“Can you get it off your computer at home?”
“No,” she shook her head. “And obviously my work one is fried. I can ask my contact to send it again but I can’t help wondering if the bomb was connected to his information. The timing is too convenient.”
“Can you call your contact?”
Sarah was silent a long time. Finally she said, “Yes. If I route it through as many servers as possible I should be able to keep it untraceable at our end.” She levered herself up, obviously in some pain, moved through to an adjourning room and opened a large, double set of wardrobe doors to reveal a bank of computers. Katerina lingered in the doorway and watched Sarah set the call up.
The number rang for several minutes until Sarah’s contact picked it up. Although she hadn’t said so, Katerina figured they were in a different time-zone. The man on the other end definitely sounded sleepy.
“Number five-four-three-three-seven-oh-nine,” Sarah began.
“Yes?”
“The details you sent me were compromised.”
“How?”
“An explosion.”
“That was your building?”
“Yes. I need to know if you can get them through to me again? But you must know — you may be compromised, you may need to move.”
There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end followed by a long pause. “Okay, give me an IP address.” She did. “They’ll be there in ten minutes but I’ll set the timer to erase them in an hour.”
“That’s not long enough!”
“It’ll have to be.”
“We’re not close enough...”
“Then you better hurry,” he said and cut the connection.
They caught a taxi which was a big risk according to Sarah, but they were short on time. They went to another office building, this one ostensibly a bank, but once in the basement it was something quite different, equipped with the latest technology and security systems. Everything an intelligence agency could need. Although it was after two a.m. now, there were a number of people already there or perhaps left over from the night before.
“What is it you’re expecting to find?” Katerina asked as they settled in front of another computer.
“My contact thinks he has discovered two of the men working with Wilhelm here on Earth. If he has and we can find them we may be able to track them back to Wilhelm himself. All the years I have been working on this we have never even come close to finding him before!”
They waited in silence as Sarah raced through a series of security checks to access the file her contact had sent. A message popped up first, “Ninety-five percent certainty the first man is his main contact here.” Excited now, Sarah clicked on the attachment and they both stared at the computer in total shock. It was a photo of Patrick.
{
Noah could not sleep, could barely breathe for the emotions assaulting him. He had remained glued to the media coverage of the explosion looking for any sign of Katerina still being alive but seen nothing. He had sneaked out once Kaia was asleep to ask at reception about survivors but the nurse on duty was like a steel trap, denying him any information. He had tried both Katerina’s landline and her mobile repeatedly but now the latter flicked immediately to answer-phone and the landline just rang and rang.
He just could not comprehend the possibility that Katerina was dead! What it would mean for Kainnan and the rest of them ever getting to return home was unthinkable. If Katerina failed — or he did for that matter — there was no one else according to Aaron.
More than that, what it would mean for him to lose her. For it was impossible to pretend that losing Katerina was just losing someone he cared for as a friend. Indeed, as he paced the hospital corridors at three in the morning he finally acknowledged to himself a truth he had been desperately trying to ignore for days — he was hopelessly in love with her.
{
Still staring at the photo of Patrick, struggling to contain her shock and disbelief, Katerina asked finally, “How can that be?”
“I knew he was working for someone...but not Wilhelm!” Sarah muttered. She seemed to have forgotten Katerina was even there.
“I saw the photos in your bedroom under your dresser. He was blackmailing you?”
Sarah glanced sharply at her then nodded. “He was. But I thought he worked for a private contractor, another government or an organization looking for leverage.”
“I thought that revealing stuff like that to him was treason?”
“It would be but my supervisor knew. We were feeding him a mixture of low-grade and misinformation. It was dangerous but we couldn’t risk arresting him just yet. I daren’t put you in danger.” She looked at Katerina, “I would do anything to keep you safe, anything!”
“But letting me keep dating him, when you knew...”
“I had no choice. If I intervened he would have known. We had a plan in motion to break you up — but we had to be so careful.”
“A plan?”
“Nicole. We trained her just for this. We didn’t really expect it to work though. He’s been single-minded about keeping you hooked.”
Katerina digested this silently, shocked. She rose and started pacing, turning suddenly back to her mother, “Could he have known?”
“Known what?”
“About Nicole?”
“It’s possible. Nicole has been very careful though and I did most of her training myself.”
The silence drew out again, while Katerina wrestled with her thoughts. Eventually she said, “Mum? There’s only one thing we can do, isn’t there? We have to confront him.”
“That’s too dangerous.”
“We can both use a gun if we have to,” she argued, hardly believing she was saying it. “Anyway, surely he won’t hurt me.”
“I wouldn’t put anything past him,” Sarah said grimly. But after a moment she agreed, “Yes, he needs to be confronted. But I’ll do it alone, it’s too dangerous for you. You can watch. We’ll set up a camera for you.”
Katerina started to object then capitulated at the look on Sarah’s face, secretly relieved she would not have to face him herself.
{
After the hospital discharged Kaia, she and Noah went straight to counseling. Noah had to force himself to concentrate, he was so worried about Katerina. The counselor Tamsin just listened and asked questions for the first half hour however and he started to switch off. It was Kaia’s excitement that drew him back from his dark thoughts about Katerina.
“So you’re actually saying there’s a cure for depression?” she was asking.
“Well it depends on whether your depression is biochemical, in which case what you need is medication to stabilize your emotions, or whether it’s to do with your thinking — which is actually far more common.”
“Which do I have then?”
“You know it’s biochemical when you keep cycling into depression periodically and yet your thinking is quite healthy. You can’t explain it by your thinking. But from what you’ve told me I suspect there might be some emotional and cognitive explanations for your struggles. What I normally do is take clients through the list of causes and have them pick the ones which relate to them. Shall we do that?”
Kaia nodded and Noah found himself leaning forward, fascinated. What he had been taught in his training was that depression could be managed with diet, exercise, supportive relationships, helping others and some healthy self-talk. He had never heard it said that depression could be cured.
“The first one,” Tamsin began, “is what we call ‘stuck’ depression. It’s when you feel stuck between two options, two choices or two beliefs and you have no idea how to move forward. It’s also called cognitive dissonance, meaning confusion of the mind.”
“Like being pregnant and wanting the baby but not wanting to give up my freedom and my plans?” Kaia asked.
Tamsin nodded, “Exactly.”
Or becoming a parent with a woman you didn’t love whilst in love with one you couldn’t have.
“The way through this type of depression,” Tamsin was continuing, “is to find a third insight, another option. It’s to realize you’re not powerless, you’re not a victim, you’re not hopelessly stuck in your dilemma — you always have options. You can work your way through any situation and into a better place.”
“I definitely have that one,” Kaia said.
“The second is similar but it’s about one of our core emotional needs as humans; the need to feel a sense of progress. We call this ‘meaningless’ depression. It’s when you can’t see any purpose or point to your life.”
“No, that’s not me. I want to be a teacher, I’ve always wanted that.”
“How do you fix that one?” Noah interjected.
“You work out what you’re good at, what you’re energized by, then you pursue that. You find a purpose for your life, something to live for, something to invest yourself into.”
Like saving another world. The thought briefly amused Noah.
“Now with those first two types of depression it’s like your battery has been slowly drained over time, like you have been gradually leaking emotional energy and enthusiasm for life and you are running out. With the third kind though, it’s like your battery was never properly charged up in the first place. We call this ‘sad’ depression and it’s a result of not being properly nurtured by your parents as a child. Your parents are meant to encourage you, support you, help you get back up when you fail; give you opportunities to learn and grow and develop confidence in yourself. But if they don’t for some reason, the result is this feeling of fragility and inadequacy and vulnerability. In some areas you still feel like a child instead of a competent adult. You don’t feel nurtured or strong inside, it’s like you are grieving for the sense of belonging and nurture you didn’t get and the result is this ‘sad’ depression.”
“That sounds awful,” Kaia commented, “but my parents were great. I don’t think I have that.” It obviously did not occur to her to consider the possible relevance of this to Noah despite knowing his family background — his father’s temper and drinking and his mother’s absences. He remained silent however, as Kaia asked curiously, “How on earth do you fix that one?”
“This is probably the hardest to heal,” Tamsin replied. Noah had the feeling she was actually addressing him. “You need to re-nurture or re-parent yourself, which means you need to start doing for yourself what your parents should have done for you but didn’t. You learn to encourage yourself, to comfort yourself when you fail, to celebrate your achievements, to give yourself opportunities to try new things...If you don’t know how to do that stuff, you can ask yourself ‘what would a good parent say or do?’ Then say or do that for yourself. And it can certainly help to find a mentor or even a family to adopt you and give you that nurture for a time. It’s all about filling in the gaps within you, helping the child parts of you grow up.”
Tamsin paused a few moments, obviously waiting for questions, but when none were forthcoming she continued. “The fourth is ‘exhausted’ depression or burnout. It happens when you use up more emotional energy than you have access to — it’s like going into emotional overdraft. If you’re burnt out you feel emotionally weary, even emotionally exhausted all the time. You’ll probably be struggling to problem-solve or make decisions or prioritize and you’re likely to avoid difficult people and situations; anything or anyone that will require too much of you.”
“How does this burnout happen?”
“There are dozens of potential causes. Being a rescuer, not getting enough sleep, being a workaholic, having too high expectations of yourself, trying to live up to an image — basically anything that drains you emotionally. If you don’t have enough of the things in your life that energize you, the imbalance means that eventually you’ll burn out. The worst part about burnout is that it normally takes as long to get out of it as it took you to slide into it in the first place. If you burn out slowly over two years, it will probably take you that long to recover. The trick to recovery is to plug up all the leaks. Reduce the things in your life that drain you and increase the things that energize you.”
“I don’t think that’s me,” Kaia said. Noah nodded his agreement, thinking that Kaia never did anything she didn’t want to do. She took care of herself religiously.
“Alright. Well the final cognitive cause of depression is the one Freud discovered, although we take it further than he did. He thought that depression was caused by suppressed anger and bitterness, but I have seen suppressed grief, self-hatred, even un-forgiveness when it’s turned inwards and buried, cause depression.”
Kaia was nodding. Her body had stiffened Noah noticed and she was angling away from him. As she asked, “What do you do with this one?” he realized abruptly that she was angry with him.
“Painful, negative emotions are meant to be faced and worked though. Otherwise they linger and cause all sorts of long-term problems, including depression. So, you forgive, you grieve, you express your anger, you process whatever it is you have buried...”
“I need to do that,” Kaia said tightly. Noah moved to take her hand and she shifted away just as quickly. Tamsin didn’t comment on it. Kaia continued, “I feel stuck and I feel angry. I have for a long time now.” She turned on Noah abruptly, “I’d like you to leave now. I need to talk alone with Tamsin about this.”
Surprised and embarrassed, Noah nodded, “Okay, I’ll be outside.”
“Actually, can we just meet up later? I think I’ll need some time on my own afterwards...I’ll call you.”
Noah nodded, again feeling awkward in the face of Kaia’s obvious hostility towards him. He thanked Tamsin and left them to it.
Outside he leant on his car relieved to have a breather from the situation with Kaia and wondered what to do next. There was so much on his mind, but what had happened to Katerina was the most pressing of all. He was tempted to get in his car and drive to her town to look for her — or for her body. Instead he tried both her numbers again.
This time a man answered the phone at her home. There was something about the voice that felt familiar and yet sent chills down his spine. It caught him by surprise so he stumbled over his words as he asked for her.
“She’s not here. Who is this?” the man on the other end demanded. There was authority in the question.
“A friend. Is this her father?”
“No, her father is...unavailable,” the man replied. The way he said it made it sound like Katerina’s dad was in some kind of trouble.
“Who am I speaking to then?”
“You first,” there was a hint of laughter in the voice this time.
Something told Noah to be cautious, so he lied. “I’m Eric, I go to university with her...”
“You are lying Noah,” the disembodied voice interrupted him. “Now why would you want to do that?” The voice had changed again and now it was full of menace.
Suddenly afraid Noah asked, “Who is this?”
“We met at the airport.” Patrick. “But that’s not important. What is important is that I need to find Katerina because she’s in a lot of trouble.” Now Patrick was all charm. How could Katerina ever have liked the guy? “I need to protect her. So, tell me Noah, do you know where she is?”
“No, I don’t,” Noah said truthfully.
There was silence on the other end. Then, “I believe you,” Patrick said. “If you find her, tell her I need to see her urgently.”
He sounded ready to hang up then and Noah asked quickly, “Are you back together?”
“Not yet,” Patrick said. Again he sounded amused. “But I see you are in love with her...”
“That’s none of your business,” Noah interrupted.
“Maybe, maybe not. But if you really do love her I suggest you get over here — and soon,” Patrick said and hung up.
{
