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Sarah insisted on calling Patrick privately. When she returned to her daughter, she was white. “He’s at our house. And I think he’s hurt your father.”
Katerina gasped, “Did he tell you that?”
“He implied it. And he said to tell you ‘Noah is coming to save you.’ Kat, who is Noah?”
“He’s been there with me on Kainnan. What does he mean Noah’s coming to save me?”
“I can only assume he means Noah is going to our house looking for you.”
“No, I have to stop him...what if Patrick...” but she could not bring herself to finish it. She slid her mobile open hastily and turned it on. The twenty missed calls from Noah said it all. With trembling hands she dialed his number while her mother tactfully turned away.
Noah answered within two rings. “Kat?”
“It’s me.”
“Thank God,” Noah said and with that all the stress left him and with it the adrenaline that had been keeping him going too. Suddenly tired he pulled his car over and sat, holding the phone to his ear, silent with relief.
“Noah?”
“I’m here. I thought you were dead. I thought you died in that explosion.”
“Nearly...my mother saved me.”
“If you had...if I had lost you!” Noah shuddered.
She waited a few moments but he remained silent. “Listen, you can’t go to my place. Patrick’s not who I thought he was, he’s dangerous. He’s connected with Kainnan — he’s connected with Wilhelm.”
“Are you serious? That’s unbelievable! He’s trying to find you. He asked me where you were. Kat he knew who I was!”
“You need to stay away — please stay away,” she pleaded. “Just keep focusing on what you have to do. Mum and I are going to deal with Patrick.”
“Be careful.”
“I will.” They were both quiet. “Have you worked out what you have to do?” she asked suddenly.
Noah was silent for moments, wrestling with what to say, then gave in to the inevitable for she would have to know eventually. “Kaia is pregnant. I...I have to stick with her.”
“Is it...”
“Mine? Yes.”
“Oh,” she said quietly. The single word said it all.
“I’m sorry,” there was anguish in his voice. “I wish things were different.”
“So do I,” she whispered.
There was nothing else to say after that.
When he hung up from Katerina, Noah put his head on the steering wheel and cried; for her, for himself, for them, for Kaia. He was wracked with sobs. Then he started the car up and turned it around. It was time to see Jacob.
As he drove across town he tried to think it all through. There was a strange sense of finality in telling Katerina about Kaia’s pregnancy. It felt like closing the door to her. It hurt like hell but it was the right thing to do. He could not go into a partnership with Kaia if his heart was pining for someone else. He needed to give his all for the sake of Kaia and the baby. He would get over Katerina eventually and he would stick with Kaia and love this baby.
It felt good to think like that. It felt like God was smiling at him — or maybe breathing a sigh of relief that for once he was putting someone else’s needs ahead of his own. He even felt excited at the thought of gaining a child, becoming a dad. He had a lot to learn about it after the travesty his own father had been. But learn he would.
His phone rang as he pulled into the hospital car-park. Although his heart leapt with hope despite his decision, it was Kaia’s number not Katerina’s.
“Kaia is everything alright?” he asked quickly.
“It’s Mrs. Martin.”
“Is everything alright?”
“Yes, Kaia is fine. She’s asked me to call you because she’s made some big decisions. The one that concerns you is that she’s decided to end things with you. I’m sorry,” she added, although Noah imagined she probably wasn’t.
“But I’m here for her, I care for her...”
“She asked me to tell you she appreciates what you’ve offered but she wants to find someone who truly loves her.”
“But I...I mean I...” Noah trailed off, his silence saying it all.
“I’ll stay in touch with you if you want to know the baby in the future?”
“Of course I do.”
“...but Kaia doesn’t want anything to do with you again.”
The finality of her statement left Noah at a total loss for words. At Mrs. Martin’s request, he recited his email address. Then after another awkward silence she said goodbye and hung up.
{
Because Patrick was already at their house Katerina assumed that setting up a camera would be impossible. However, Sarah explained somewhat sheepishly that there were some already in place which could be viewed from another safe house nearer their home. She activated these cameras via the computers at her second office before they left. Once the cameras were online they watched Patrick in silence for a while as he roamed around their home. He had two other men with him. When he went into her room and started searching her drawers, Katerina shuddered and turned away.
They took a car which Katerina had never seen before from the underground car park. Sarah drove and stopped one street from their house at a small flat. She let Katerina in, settled her in front of another bank of computers and left her there watching Patrick invading her privacy.
The worst of it for Katerina was that she had so completely trusted him. She had revealed her heart, her secrets, her fears and dreams to him and the whole time he was playing her, manipulating her, pretending to be a regular boyfriend when he was anything but. She felt so humiliated, so foolish and betrayed. She felt like such a failure. And completely furious.
Yet she also could not take her eyes off him, trying to understand why she had fallen for him.
She could see now that he had deliberately groomed her. She had met him at a party thrown by an acquaintance from university. He sat across the room from her and stared at her intently for a full twenty minutes before coming to her directly to tell her she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He followed that with meals, gifts, compliments, kisses — until she felt so showered with attention she was smitten. He was handsome and disarming, extremely clever and very wealthy. Her friends both envied her and questioned her because he was so much older. They wondered if his intentions were completely honorable — and so had she, until the huge fight she had with her parents after she had been dating him a few months. At the time she could hardly believe her luck at how attentive he was, how willing to talk her family situation through with her. Now she realized he was probably just milking her for information.
He was opening her underwear drawer now and as she watched he ran his fingers over the fabric sensuously then turned and looked directly towards the camera, right at her as if he knew she was there. Then he smiled a slow taunting smile. With a shock, she realized he knew someone was watching him — which meant her mother was walking into a trap.
She only deliberated for a few seconds. Sarah had asked her to stay there but this changed everything. Instead she grabbed her phone, let herself out of the safe house rapidly and started running for her home.
{
Jacob was being bathed by a nurse so Noah was asked to wait while she was busy with him. The empty, silent waiting room reminded him of Alice’s final moments there; the conversation with God that had changed everything for her. It aroused his curiosity and he decided to give it a try himself.
Having prayed only rarely in his life, it felt very awkward at first. But he had listened to Alice often enough so he started talking to God the way she did, first off-loading everything that had happened then starting on how he was feeling. He was not expecting any response so when he heard the quiet voice drop into his mind, it startled him. “What have you learnt?” it asked.
Great question. “That I should be in charge of my emotions — not them of me. That I should question them to see if they’re actually accurate. If they don’t match reality then I need to talk back to them, side with what’s really true instead.”
“And?”
“That I can’t always have what I want. Sometimes I have to let go of what I want to choose what’s right instead,” he said, thinking painfully of Katerina.
“What about Kaia?” the voice was gentle.
“There are consequences to my choices which affect others. Her, the baby, Katerina...And there are consequences to her choices which affect me.”
Silence. Noah started pacing. “What sucks,” he burst out suddenly, “is that I can’t make her let me help her. I have to respect her choice, right?”
“You are not responsible for her choices. You are not responsible for anyone else’s choices. You are responsible for your own,” God said quietly.
“But what about when someone makes a terrible choice and the consequences are horrendous? What if she decides to kill herself? What if she chooses to abort our baby?”
“You would know pain.”
“But it’s not fair!” Noah exclaimed out loud to the empty room.
“This world is not fair. But I am.”
“Why don’t You stop her then?”
“Because if I did she would no longer be free.”
Surprised Noah stopped pacing, trying to work the idea through. “Are You saying that freedom is so important,” he asked slowly, “that You’ll allow people to make terrible, awful choices so You’re not taking their freedom away?” Silence. “That puts so much responsibility on us!”
“You are My voice, My hands, My love on Earth,” there was passion in the voice.
“That,” said Noah out loud to the empty room, “is amazing...empowering! But terrifying too. To know I have power to change things, to make a difference or to ruin...”
“Sir?” another voice interrupted cautiously and, highly embarrassed, Noah swung round to face the nurse who had slipped into the room unnoticed. She looked equally as awkward to have caught him talking to himself. “You can see Jacob now. Although he’s still in a coma, coma patients can often hear what’s happening around them so don’t be afraid to talk to him.”
Jacob was hooked up to several monitors, lying still and silent, his face pale and yet somehow peaceful. Noah had always liked and respected him, especially for Jacob’s unwavering support of Alice. His heart went out to him now. Compassion rose in him so powerfully he felt tears come to his eyes and he challenged God, “Can’t You do something for him? Don’t You care?”
“I care about everyone — you, Kaia, the baby, Katerina, Alice, your father...Jacob...”
“Why don’t You heal him then? Why don’t You fix him?”
“Because you are My hands,” God said quietly.
Surprised Noah stopped pacing and stared thoughtfully at Jacob. “Are You saying that I can heal him?”
“It’s My power — but your hands, your words.”
Noah approached the bed slowly. “What do I do?”
“Tell him to wake up!”
“That’s it?”
“I want to heal him,” God said simply.
“So do I,” Noah muttered, his eyes fixed on Jacob’s still form. He put his hand on the boy’s arm and wondered whether he should close his eyes, then changed his mind. He wanted to see what happened. For long moments he stared at Jacob, feeling like he was entering the realm of the supernatural where anything could happen. His thoughts drifted back to when God had healed him on the plane after they crashed. That had been incredible.
He took a deep breath, leaned down to the still form and said, “Wake up Jacob, God wants to heal you,” into his ear.
At the words Jacob sighed, a deep, long sigh and opened his eyes languidly as if he had just woken from a good night’s sleep. “Noah?”
The monitors started beeping and Noah stood back in absolute awe. “Noah?” Jacob asked again. “What happened?”
“God healed you!” Noah managed to get out.
“Alice?” Jacob asked, his voice croaky.
“She’s okay. She loves you,” Noah said simply.
A lovely smile lit up Jacob’s face. “Where is she?”
“She’ll come as soon as she can...” Noah began, but nurses burst into the room in response to the monitor alarms and he got pushed back out of their way. He slipped through to the waiting room and sat down on a couch there until he could go back in.
“That was amazing!” he exclaimed. He waited a moment then asked, “What next?”
“You need to know how I feel about you,” God told him. “So wait a while.”
Surprised, Noah settled back in his seat. Several minutes passed and the nurse from earlier came through the door.
“Is he alright?” Noah asked.
“He seems to be doing well,” she sounded bemused. “The doctor will be able to tell you more when he’s finished examining him.”
“Great!” Noah couldn’t stop beaming.
“Are you Noah Journee by any chance?”
“I am.”
“A young lady was here a few days ago and left an envelope for you. It’s at reception. I just remembered sorry, or I would’ve told you when you arrived.”
The letter was from Alice. It read,
My wonderful brother.
If you are reading this, I have succeeded in returning to Kainnan and you have succeeded in coming back here. As I have, you may face many difficult things so I wanted to write this to encourage you as I won’t be with you to do it in person.
You have been the one consistent figure in my life for many years now. I couldn’t ask for a more trustworthy, faithful friend. You have loved me through my mistakes and delusions. You have seen all my poor choices but never judged me for them. You have been loyal and kind. You have never given up on me and you have never stopped supporting me. Please remember this when you are struggling.
But more than anything, I want you to acknowledge once and for all — you are a good man. And if I, who am merely human, feel this way about you — how much more does God?
See you soon.
Alice
Noah read Alice’s letter through three times more, focusing on the final sentence. It was like God Himself had written the letter to him and the repercussions of truly believing what she wrote were huge.
If God really felt that way about him, what others thought became so much more irrelevant. If God loved him like that, then the disapproval of others would become insignificant in comparison. If God saw him as a good man; worthy, faithful, all those things Alice had written — and more importantly he believed them — then he would no longer be dependent on the opinions of others to feel okay about who he was. He would be internally secure.
The phone interrupted his thoughts and he answered it distractedly. To his surprise, this time it was Kaia herself. She gave him no chance to speak, saying immediately, “Noah, don’t say anything, just let me get this out...I didn’t want to end things with you like this. It wouldn’t be fair after all the good times we had. I want you to know that I don’t regret being with you. It’s been up and down — but you are a good man Noah. You have been kind and faithful and you’ve accepted me and loved me through all my weaknesses — more than I did you. I...I just wanted to thank you.”
“Kaia...”
“Please — I have to go. My mother will be in touch with you when the baby is born.” Before he could speak again, she hung up.
“Do you understand?” God asked him quietly.
“That’s how You see me?” Silence. “Why?”
This time, for the first time, God’s voice sounded very loud in his head as if there was passion behind it. “Because you are My son. That’s why I love you.”
“My father...” Noah began, but God’s words flowed over him like rich honey, anticipating his objection.
“I am not like your father. Your father was flawed, he didn’t show you Me. He couldn’t. He was unable to love you the way I do.”
“But the things I have done...”
“Forgiven when you ask.”
“But people...”
“My opinion of you is truth.”
Noah nodded slowly. “I get it. If I believe You, then what others think of me is not that important. I don’t need to get my sense of worth and value from them. I already have it.”
“Yes.”
“How do I get to that place?”
“Stop listening to the child within telling you you’re not good enough. Start listening to Me.”
Noah got up and started pacing. “It sounds so simple. But it feels so hard.”
“It will take time to believe. You have believed otherwise for a long time. But what you focus on will grow.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” the question was a mere whisper now, starting to fade away.
“Okay. I am going to start believing You instead of Dad, instead of the things I have been believing, instead of seeing myself as bad or unworthy. I will start believing...”
“What?” It was barely there now, a fleeting thought he could have missed if he was not so focused on the conversation.
Noah felt his throat seizing up but he knew what he had to declare. “I will start believing — I am a good man!”
And just like that, he was back on Kainnan.
{
