If you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
- Michael Jordan
You’ve got an understanding of grandiosity and shame and how it can bind you to the narcissist. You’ve learnt about the destructive effects of toxic shame. You know how the narcissist uses the false self to simultaneously achieve control and emotional distance. You know how the rules of human engagement are manipulated and broken by the narcissist and you have a basic idea of how mind control works. You’re amped up for action. But before you dive in, it helps to understand the obstacles you will face as you fight this battle.
Being kept in an enmeshed, submissive state means your sense of self depends on the narcissist. Without a strong, individual identity, your willpower and self-esteem are compromised. This makes it more difficult to act in your best interest.
Although you are not to blame, you will be an unwilling part of the problem. The fight will rage on inside you. Having your sense of self hijacked and your internal strength compromised weakens your willpower.
Your psychological state will work against you and fight you as you try to change, or worse, you’ll unconsciously replay the same dynamics over and over again. Like a fish in water, it can be hard to tell what life is like not being under the hypnotic spell of a narcissist. It takes vigilance, conscious effort and courage to turn the tide.
The narcissist regime limits the target’s reality down to a specific role. The longer the target lives under this regime, the more they internalise it. The mind absorbs its environment and adapts to it. The reality which the narcissist creates becomes that of the target. This reality is effectively a cage which keeps the target imprisoned. Internalising this cage turns it into a psychological cage. The target lives their life with the belief that they cannot go any further than a certain set of limits. Even if they escape the narcissistic abuse, the target will continue to live within their psychological cage.
Stepping outside of the cage induces anxiety and fear. The target is institutionalised. It’s crucial to be aware of this concept since it can function without being seen. Do you feel silly trying new things? Does the opinion of others keep you from rocking the boat? Do you feel extreme fear and anxiety when you are made responsible for something? Does the unknown frighten the hell out of you? This can be the psychological cage in action. The psychological cage is a very real thing, along with the fear that comes about whenever a situation threatens it.
At our core, we have an inherent, insatiable need to be seen, heard, respected and understood. If you were raised by or spent considerable time with a narcissist, you were most likely starved of this. Even after you’ve physically freed yourself, it takes consistent, attuned care to satisfy that hunger and return you to emotional equilibrium. You can’t just shut it off. Narcissists see this hunger from a long way away and will use it to manipulate you. It’s like a gravitational force which acts against your will and clouds your judgement, which might lead you to make the wrong choices unwittingly.
To live well, it’s crucial that you have a tolerance for shame. Being dissociated from the true self means being disconnected from shame. The problem is that anytime a target is forced to face their limits, or anytime they make a mistake, intense shame comes up, forcing the target to dissociate again and dwell in their imagination. Rather than be a firm pressure which they can push against for feedback, it becomes a frightening beast which must be avoided at all costs. The problem is that you cannot make changes or grow unless you are consistently in touch with your shame. You need to be engaged with life, making mistakes and adjusting course continuously. If you are reluctant or unable to investigate and learn from your shame, then overcoming narcissism becomes much harder.
Life under a narcissist regime limits your independence. While shame, mind control and weakened self-esteem play an enormous part, it is usually the fear of freedom which stops a person stepping out for good. Having their willpower compromised and being emotionally bullied into a submissive role leaves a target feeling incapable of marching on with an independent life. Even though the current situation is degrading and abusive, they fear the unknown, feeling simply unequipped to handle what a more independent, self-sustaining, dynamic lifestyle might demand of them. They may not believe in their ability to be their own leader.
The narcissist even bases their mind games on fear. They use fear to keep the target compliant. They pull the target’s emotional strings and create the illusion that they hold the key to the target’s future security. For example, if you express unhappiness about your relationship, the narcissist might give you a 24-hour deadline to ‘make up your mind’ before they end the relationship. What started as a concern becomes an ultimatum. You begin to feel powerless and crippled by fear.
Guilt is that incessant, gnawing feeling, hacking away at you 24/7. It’s like a kick in the guts every time you do something, or say something, or even think something. It is a byproduct of life under a narcissist regime. When you don’t act as they expect, the narcissist will continually remind you of the ‘sacrifices’ they made for you, many of which you never requested. When you can’t make it for dinner, but ask who’s coming, and are met with “Well, you’re not coming, we know that much”, it makes you question your loyalty to the narcissist. Their strict expectations of you create numerous collision points for guilt to breed. You feel as though you’re always letting them down. Countless instances of these situations lead to habitual guilt being the default emotion accompanying many of the choices you make.
The most frustrating part of growing in the shadow of narcissism is that you might not be accustomed to ‘normal’ people who show healthy shame and flaws. Being an ‘inverted narcissist’ means being addicted to the shameless. You derive a sense of self when you are serving the narcissist. The concepts of grandiosity and hierarchy become deeply internalised, where you grow accustomed to living under the shadow of a ‘superior’ person and deferring life’s challenges to them. The idea of relationships as equal individuals connecting and offering each other love becomes lost, and you are led to believe that relationships are instead about getting the upper hand and controlling others to obtain scraps of attention for your ego. Spending time with ‘regular’ humans can then be a jarring experience. ‘Regular’ people express their fears and concerns, they admit their faults, and they fumble when they speak. And of course they do, they are showing signs of having a range of normal, healthy, human emotion. The narcissist does not exhibit these features; they don’t weigh you down with their ‘humanity’. This addiction to shamelessness becomes an obstacle to establishing healthy relationships since you might be avoiding the very people who can offer you the empathy and understanding which you need. To overcome this, you will have to take responsibility for yourself. You will then have to grow accustomed to relationships where shame and support are shared; where you can be vulnerable with another person and also be supportive in the face of their vulnerability.
These seven obstacles will come up time and time again. Your job is to be aware of them and to stay on course. When you feel or notice them come up, you will remind yourself that they are just obstacles; conditioned patterns which will fade away the less you react to them. They will feel unpleasant, and because they are emotionally charged, you’ll feel that they are gospel. This could not be further from the truth. Feel them, notice them and keep moving forward.