Life, by its very nature, is experiential, meaning our experiences shape our beliefs and behaviours. The problem of narcissism lies at the core of our being. It doesn’t change just because we decided or because we read a book. Reversing the damage done by narcissism means creating opposing experiences, and doing them over and over again until they become integrated.
The strategy for making change involves setting a list of goals and working towards them through a variety of practices. This will be a continual process, with progress being made and integrated, followed by more progress and integration. The goals are lighthouses. Instead of meeting those goals, you only need to stay on course and go deeper. The longer you work at it, the more you know, the more experienced you become, the deeper you go and the more natural it will feel.
The road to killing a narcissist consists of seven goals:
1. Healing your toxic shame: Shame as an identity attaches itself to most of your thoughts and urges. You feel shame for wanting something, or for saying something or simply every time you become aware of yourself. The goal will be to face and heal the shame, a little bit at a time, until you begin to free yourself from it. Ultimately, you want to feel shame only when appropriate, and to become accustomed to experiencing it without equating it with inferiority.
2. Coming back to reality: If dissociating is your default mode, you won’t be able to take control of your life. The aim is to stay in touch with your true self and your feelings, and to ride through the bumps of life without escaping into the fantasy in your head. Becoming acutely aware of your feelings and your life situation, while initially jarring and painful, will empower you to take control.
3. Mastering your emotions: Shame is one of the most formidable emotions to tame and integrate. As a matter of fact, any emotion can get the better of us. It’s important to become aware of a wide array of your emotions and to stick with them, being able to function as you feel them, and to integrate them into a healthy ego. You want to strengthen the mind/emotion connection, where you can feel intense emotions while remaining engaged to your life situation and then make decisions from there.
4. Developing a healthy, well-trained ego: A natural outcome of mastering your emotions is having a wiser, more informed ego. When your emotions are no longer overwhelming you, you will have room to think clearly and effectively. When somebody is attempting to emotionally manipulate you, you will be acutely aware of it. The ultimate reward for mastering your feelings is that you begin to realise that regardless of how you’re feeling, you can choose to act in an entirely different direction. This can be difficult to enforce when your feelings keep pulling you in whatever direction they want. Once you have weathered the storm, your healthy ego can function independently of your inner state. You will finally have a choice.
5. Developing a solid, independent sense of self: This is about looking in and finding much more than just overwhelming shame and anxiety. Inside you is a quiet, firm presence which cannot be compromised or affected. Emotions and situations are peripheral compared to this solid, confident self inside you. From this safe space, you will feel like you have backup; a safe, numinous presence to fall back on when things get difficult. Because a solid, independent self cannot be compromised, you will have the power of choice. You won’t be dragged in every direction, you will ground yourself in this strong self and view your world from a vantage point.
6. Establishing firm boundaries: The natural outcome of having a solid, independent sense of self is that you will start building boundaries. This will occur naturally. When you begin to feel your true self, you will also begin to protect it. The stronger it gets, the stronger your boundaries. When people (and especially narcissists) test you, they will be met with your strength. They will know that in order to have the best of you, they will need to be fair and respectful.
7. Enjoying your humanity and finding your passion: The true self, once a person connects with it, takes on a life of its own. Instead of incessant anxiety, you’ll feel peace. The less you dissociate, the more you’ll start to feel your empathy growing and your desire to help others. Weak boundaries keep a person on edge. From your vantage point, you’ll feel safety and strength. As a result, you will have the courage to try things you always wanted to do. You’ll invest less time and energy on trying to please people and connect deeply with your own needs and desires. A lot of this cannot be explained in words. When the mist begins to clear, you’ll experience things that you’d never even imagined. An empowered true self is unique to each person, and how you go about your life from there is unpredictable and exciting. The paradox here is that it will feel completely natural to you. Fear, guilt, anxiety and shame blanket this true self. Once they begin to dissipate, the magic begins.
These seven goals will be gradually realised by utilising the following seven practices, designed to help you move back toward the middle of the shame/grandiosity continuum, both personally and in relationships:
1. Get allies
2. Unleash your true self
3. Skill up
4. Flex your muscles
5. Even the scale
6. Boundaries
7. Scorched Earth
Each of these seven practices will incorporate some or all of the seven goals and give you a framework for lasting change. Practice One and Two are the core out of which all practices flow. Without them, the other practices are compromised. The mind-emotion connection is crucial. Withstanding, understanding and accepting your emotions will empower you with the remainder of the practices. You certainly may learn about and begin to implement any of the practices, it’s just important that you focus on Practice One and Two initially.
As you utilise the practices, new experiences are created, and your psyche will begin to adapt. Some practices will come easier to you than others. You might already have established some healthy friendships, or boundaries might come easy to you. You might be confident learning and carrying out skill based activities but not feel very confident handling your emotions (or vice versa). The most important thing is that all of the practices are integrated. The practices are about shifting your paradigms i.e. wearing new glasses. Keeping the concepts in your mind will cause you to interpret your experiences in a different way, and with that your beliefs and behaviours will adapt accordingly. Mastering these practices means you might feel like you’re getting nowhere for a while, but then suddenly things begin to click. Old beliefs will take over occasionally and muddy the water so that you can’t see the way through. That is what it is to attempt a new path. When you start out, you can’t see everything. But as you progress, the bigger picture slowly builds. You will take some steps backward and some steps forward. You might have light-bulb moments instantly as you read this book or you might have them later down the track with a little bit of trial and error. But equiped with new knowledge and being aware of the pitfalls and obstacles you might face, you’ll have every chance of reclaiming your life from the clutches of the narcissist regime.
Ready? Let’s get started.