A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.
- Jim Morrison
Having your emotional world hijacked means that you are no longer in the driver’s seat. It’s crucial that you have the internal space to think, feel and make decisions independent of another person. It’s also important to express your own grandeur and have that seen, as well as release your toxic shame and establish a stronger sense of self. You cannot do this alone. In time, toxic shame takes on its own momentum and begins to function autonomously. A lot of the damage done by the narcissist regime functions autonomously. You cannot climb tall walls without a helping hand from the other side. It’s a paradox, but in order to gain autonomy and freedom, you will need support. You will need the help of a set of people who are not narcissists.
Limbic resonance is the deepest form of connection two human beings can have. It happens when two people are emotionally engaged and invested in each other. Consider that one person is expressing their sadness about a situation. The other person might start relating to feelings of sadness too, and then, to avoid feeling this way, playfully tells the other person: “Ah, cheer up! It’ll be fine!”. This is a missed opportunity for limbic resonance. For limbic resonance to occur, the person will need to engage their own feelings as they listen to the other person, and simply stay with the emotion. It’s almost trance like. There is a real sense of camaraderie behind it. Quite often, words don’t need to be said. The eyes, the facial expression and body posture will communicate that the listener can relate to what the sharer is feeling. The result? The person expressing their emotion will feel deeply and truly understood, and shame is released.
When another person offers you limbic resonance, you will feel accepted and loved at the deepest possible level. Self-esteem increases and the true self begins to come to life. It truly is food for the soul. It’s warm and life affirming; it’s a lush soil for the true self to thrive in. Connection with a narcissist is cold and life denying; it’s hard concrete where nothing can grow. Limbic resonance is a missing ingredient in a relationship with a narcissist. The narcissist is so deeply focussed on their false self that they have no capacity for it. They are far too distracted. Actually, anybody who is afraid of their own emotions won’t be able to offer limbic resonance to another person. Many people replace it by playing roles. In such cases, true emotional connection is replaced by mental gymnastics. The dynamic of many families are based on such role playing which is devoid of real substance. Being open to each other’s emotional worlds requires a safe space, healthy boundaries, maturity and courage in the face of tumultuous feelings. It requires great patience and skill to establish and maintain such a way of relating to each other.
Many people are not even conscious of what they are missing. A huge chunk of the human population has experienced very minimal amounts of limbic resonance, and as a result, have lost touch with their own humanity. One cannot be truly human without being in touch with their emotions. Without emotions, life becomes a mental abstraction. Having not really felt it, many people are not even aware of the existence of limbic resonance or how desperately they really need it. It is exactly the absence of this phenomena which leaves a person in a love starved state. Without limbic resonance, a person will feel fragmented, depressed, anxious, powerless and hopeless. They are left drowning inside a sticky swamp where life is a cold, dark, uphill climb. Once a person begins to consistently experience limbic resonance, however, balance is restored. They feel whole again, happier, calmer and more upbeat. The true self begins to emerge and life begins to flow in that person. Anxiety fades, and a sense of security and confidence begins to build. It should not be underestimated. Limbic resonance is crucial. It doesn’t matter how many people you know. Without it, you will find it very difficult to march forward toward your true self.
One of the most difficult aspects of change is not having somewhere to turn to for help. The true self needs to feel safe and supported. It needs limbic resonance. When we think of the word ‘ally’ or ‘safe’, we think of family. A common misconception is that family is always there, and it always gives us exactly what we need. The fact is that while many people do have great support from family, countless more do not have the understanding and guidance they feel they truly need. Some of us live far away from family. Some of us come from emotionally unavailable families that have the best of intentions and which do offer practical support but, due to a lack of limbic resonance during their own upbringing, are unable to offer it to us. And quite simply, some people come from a family littered with narcissists. It can be quite shaming to realise you do not have warm, attuned family to turn to. What’s worse, the very people who we grew up worshiping and expecting would love and support us could be the very people who objectified and used us for their own narcissistic supply. Our ‘home’ might have been compromised, our supply of love poisoned. In these cases, we need allies. We need people who can model family and be as readily available to assist us as possible.
Life with a narcissist causes an enormous amount of confusion. You stop knowing what’s real. Without a voice of reason, you can go mad pretty quickly. Furthermore, without limbic resonance, narcissism leaves a person in a love starved state. When beginning your work, a therapist can be extremely helpful. Seeing a therapist works on two fronts: Having somebody listen to you empathically instead of belittling your feelings helps you to feel loved and whole, whereas having a person mirror your emotions can help you get a more well rounded grasp on reality. The therapist might raise an eyebrow to odd behaviour which you deem to be normal. This can allow you to question your reality in a safe environment.
The best part of having a therapist is that you can have consistent, reliable access to support. If you have yet to really experience limbic resonance on a consistent basis, you will find it difficult to see what life on the other side of narcissism is like. It becomes harder to escape the clutches of a narcissist. Mind games, guilt and fear create waves of doubt. During your weakest moments, that session with the therapist can refuel you and give you crucial insights as you navigate from psychological bondage to a life of freedom and independence.
The same way toxic shame was brought on through our relationships, shame can only be released in the empathic face of another person. When you interact with your therapist, it is important that you be uncensored. To unravel your shame riddled true self and establish a solid sense of self, you need to feel free to express yourself exactly as you are. What is equally important is that your therapist is open to investing in and experiencing your emotional world. They need to get on the ride and stay with you throughout, regardless of what you are sharing. A narcissist forces you to reject your true self by rejecting it first. Your ally will need to accept you and give you space to be, and so free you from your psychological cage. While engaging your therapist, it is crucial that you:
-Speak your thoughts: No matter how odd your thoughts, or how embarrassing they are, revealing them in a safe environment allows you to release shame and investigate your beliefs at a distance. What you take for granted might not be so ‘normal’ after all. Also, what might surprise you is that even the most shameful of thoughts lose their power when brought out into the world. The act of sharing can be the most healing part of the journey.
-Express your emotions: If you feel an impulse, express it and give it space to exist. If your therapist has done their own internal work, they will be able to empathise and follow along.
-Stay with your emotions: Remaining focused on your emotions and not pushing them away is difficult at first, but is a skill which can be learnt. If you can avoid intellectualising an emotion, you open up a space for the possibility of seeing it, feeling it, understanding it and accepting it.
-Stay conscious: Going into logic mode (i.e. getting caught up in thought patterns) can disconnect you from your emotions and stunt growth. Getting caught up in your emotions, on the other hand, can cripple your ability to understand and be rational on a mind level. Therapy can be a safe place for you to connect the two. By allowing and staying with your emotions, you can eventually learn to understand them and express them. Being in touch with difficult feelings while keeping your wits about you is a skill which can be developed, and your session with the therapist is a great place to slow down and practice.
-Share your hopes and dreams: Instead of fantasising about your hopes and dreams, begin to vocalise them. The job of the therapist is not to egg you on, but rather to allow you the space to speak up about what’s really important to you. They could even provide you with practical suggestions on how to go about achieving them.
-Face reality: Coming out of fantasy can be difficult without a mirror. Dissociation and fantasy mean that a person is both lying to themselves and completely unaware of it. A good therapist will gently challenge delusions and help you see your life situation more clearly.
-Be accountable: As you share with the therapist, it’s important that you stay conscious of your feelings and also that you accept responsibility for your life. Be open to suggestions about better self-care and slow down so the therapist can keep up with you. Many people hold the false preconception that the therapist’s job is to ‘fix’ people. Others use their therapy session as a place to dump their overwhelming emotions without any attempt to understand them and work with them. The job of the therapist is to create a container so that your emotions don’t overwhelm you, and to make useful suggestions which help guide you forward. The rest is up to you.
A big part of your success in this practice will depend on your willingness to withstand and learn about your emotions. It also depends on your therapist. If the therapist is tolerant of and capable of withstanding your emotions, and allows them to exist without interfering with the process but while still offering structure and guidance, you will have the psychological space to develop a healthier, more robust sense of self. You will light the fire which feeds the true self.
As you progress, watch out for the mind trap. It can be easy to get caught up re-hashing mental concepts in your head. Instead, continuously look deeper and ask yourself what you are feeling at any one time. Whatever events are happening in your life, while obviously important, are not as crucial as your current emotional state. Only by expressing your true state will you make progress. Staying on the surface or being caught up in the drama of your life will instead keep you stagnant.
We need friends. More specifically, we need friends who are in it for friendship, not for narcissistic supply. Friends might not be as attuned as a therapist, or as readily available, but they can definitely offer a unique kind of love and acceptance. Unhealthy, unbalanced friendships are harmful to our development. As well as existing to provide us with connection and emotional sustenance, our relationships are about sharing, balance and equality. Also, friendships don’t just happen overnight simply because two people both like football. Like learning to drive, you must clock up a certain number of hours and have navigated through a certain number of challenges before the fibres of friendship have been sufficiently bound together. Narcissists will try to sidestep the vulnerability, patience and sacrifice required to build a healthy and lasting relationship.
People to avoid as friends are those who:
-Are too quick to be agreeable and wish to become ‘best friends’ without clocking up the necessary miles
-Rarely enquire about your life and well-being
-Consistently switch the topic back to themselves
-Play a role that stops any genuine feeling entering the friendship
-Ridicule you and put you down
-Will not emotionally invest in you (offer limbic resonance)
-Sporadically go AWOL but then reappear at a random time
Instead, look for people who:
-Don’t use charm to develop a stronger bond with you
-Appreciate a wide array of your qualities
-Laugh with you, not at you
-Accept that physical and emotional space should exist in a friendship
-Can follow along when you express difficult emotions
-Don’t place heavy expectations on the friendship
-Make connection the priority and not their own ego
-Behave consistently and openly