Be bold, be brave enough to be your true self.
- Queen Latifah
Being in the presence of someone with an inflated ego can limit free expression and corner you into playing a role that is not aligned with your true self. Not only that, but being in the shadow of a narcissist’s shamelessness can leave you feeling inferior and incapable. Having a safe, accepting and flexible structure is the only way in which to fully grow your true self.
The great news is that the true self never leaves you, and is always patiently waiting for you to tap into it. It wants nothing more than for you to connect with it and to continually strengthen your bond. In order to effectively connect with the true self, it’s important to have a safe space to think and feel, independent of anybody else; narcissist or not. This is an opportunity to put the roles and limiting beliefs aside and to dive in and see what’s really in there behind the mask. It allows you to understand and accept all aspects of your subconscious and to integrate them.
Drawing from the principles of Gestalt therapy, the true self can be developed by taking your current emotional state and giving it shape. Gestalt, which is the German word for ‘form’, focuses on a person’s experience in the present moment and allows the person to step back and view themselves from a distance. It’s a process of self responsibility and self-awareness. There are a number of activities which you can do that help you connect with your present experience and then inspect it from a distance.
You can:
-Write a feeling journal: As you write, don’t just rehash what happened during the day. Focus inside on your emotions, and simultaneously decide what to write about. Notice the emotion and then give it shape. Describe what it might look like if it was an object. Journalling is a great extension of therapy and when done correctly and with courage, can be great practice for strengthening the mind/emotion connection.
-Write poetry: Prose is great, yet poetry can give your emotional expression more punch. Follow your impulses and leave the judgements behind. You are not writing for an audience, but for yourself. Explore any theme which appeals to you, no matter how dark.
-Play an instrument: Becoming more skilled in an instrument is a wonderful thing, but the greatest thing about music is its ability to resonate with and give expression to your emotions. The bang of a drum can express anger in ways words cannot. The sound of a flute can give flight to your despair in ways speaking about it will not. The string of a guitar can have tingles shooting out of you in ways talking cannot. You can get a hold of an instrument and find a quiet room. You can also hire out a rehearsal room, which will come with instruments. Finally, you can go a step further and partake in music therapy, which can be a powerful way of connecting with emotions under the supervision of a professional.
-Paint or draw: Being a great artist is not a prerequisite here. Drawing your emotions can show you things about yourself which you never imagined. It’s a way to dream while being awake, giving visual life to your subconscious emotions. The results may surprise you.
-Sing: Singing is a great way to connect the effectiveness of music with your voice. By having more intensity in your voice, you can explore emotional frequencies you don’t normally feel when talking. You can also pair this with songwriting.
What all of these actives have in common is that they allow you to give shape to your subconscious. It takes what is hidden deep inside and which is acting outside of your conscious awareness, and brings it out into the world. That is, it gives representation to your true self and allows it to be seen. If done well, these exercises will give life to aspects of yourself which you might not initially understand. This is normal and expected. A drawing might confuse you for weeks before you can connect the dots. But when you do connect the dots, you will be more intimate with your true self than you have ever been. This is how growth occurs.
No matter what activity you take up, the important thing is that it is an activity done in a space which is just for you. It’s also crucial that you tie the activity into your emotions. When you draw, draw what you’re feeling, even if it’s abstract and meaningless. Don’t just copy another painting or create a portrait of someone. If you play an instrument, let your emotions guide the sound and don’t be afraid to lose yourself in the music. Try to leave the thinking mind behind. Lose the structure and pursue things in an organic way, based on what your impulses are telling you. It’s not about learning skills and concepts, but about connecting with your emotions, and with that, your true self. Like therapy, it allows you to build the mind/emotion connection, and have a better understanding of how you tick below the thoughts. It’s the most efficient way to get to know you. When an emotion comes up, you will have the ability to feel it fully, to understand it and to decide how and if to act. This makes you a formidable opponent to anyone looking to manipulate you.
Giving shape to your true self can be uncomfortable, since the emotions you arouse could be negative. Hopefully Practice One with a therapist helped ignite the fire, and you’re slowly becoming accustomed to not only permitting your emotions to come out, but to stick with them through good and bad. A sad poem should be just as legitimate as a happy song. A dark, intense drawing is equally as valid as writing about your fun day out and how good it felt. Even a gnawing, never-ending discomfort deserves your care and attention. It’s all a part of you, and it all has a right to exist. All of it.
Letting your emotions get out of hand happens to the best of us. Emotions come and go, but you remain. When you have developed a certain level of mastery over your emotions, you will have the wit to decide who and what has the right to them. Best of all, you will feel more human and more yourself than you ever have before. There’s no limit to how deep you can go.
Creative activities are always rewarding, providing an engaging and active path to the true self, which can leave you with tangible representations of your subconscious and allow you to better understand your true self. There is also a more passive path to the true self which is just as rewarding, although at first glance it might not seem like it. It’s sitting meditation.
‘Self remembrance’ is the process of sitting, for a timed period, purely with the aim of allowing a time and space for the true self to emerge. It is a waiting game, and nothing else. The point of self remembrance is to sit with ‘you’ as long as possible. That's it. You sit there with no expectation of something happening (Although paradoxically, something does eventually happen).
The instructions are as follows:
-Find a quiet room where you will not be distracted.
-Find a spot on the floor and sit cross-legged with your back and neck upright. There is no need for any fancy yoga pose. It helps to have a meditation pillow to sit on, since elevating your torso allows you to maintain good posture and makes the meditation less painful. If you don't have a meditation pillow, you can also stack up some folded towels or clothes and even place a towel under your knees if the ground is hard. The important thing is to establish as much comfort as possible while maintaining a seated, upright position.
-Set a timer. The ideal period is 20 minutes. At first you may need to begin with a much shorter duration and work your way up.
-Rest your hands on each lap.
-Keep your eyes open throughout the sitting. Find a basic object to focus on, such as a cup without printing on it. This will be used as a point of reference throughout the meditation to allow you to gently focus without scattering. If you feel a need to close your eyes, do so, and open them again when you’re ready.
-Try to stay relaxed yet focused throughout.
During the meditation, you will hit some difficulties. Sitting perfectly still and silent is a mode the mind does not like very much, and it will rebel. You need to be ready for this. Exposing the mind, allowing it no distractions and giving it nowhere to go threatens its hold over you. Here is a list of the most common obstacles and how to deal with them:
-Incessant thoughts: As you sit, the mind will keep ticking away. This is perfectly fine. You may drift away into your mind and start thinking about the washing, or you could replay parts of the day like a movie, or you could even start analysing the object which you are focussing on. The key is to catch yourself and to gently bring your focus back into the present moment. A good way to ground yourself is to focus on your breath. Breathe 10 slow and deep breaths then go back to a rested, natural state with normal breathing. Another way to centre yourself is to focus in on your body. Focus on your chest area or on your body as a whole, and take notice of how you are feeling. If you catch onto a feeling, go deeper into it and explore it. Give it your attention. Then come back to a relaxed focus when you’re ready.
-Scattering: When a thought or a stimulation from the outside world causes a strong reaction from the true self, the pain can scare the ego into scattering. During the meditation, the more your true self comes to the surface, the more fear you might experience. As the fear increases, your focus may begin to scatter. The more the true self reveals itself, the stronger your focus must be. You might also dissociate during the meditation by zoning out or you might get caught up in a thought pattern. The idea is to gently bring your focus back, while being simultaneously aware of your body sensations. It’s a balancing act, where too much focus brings too much ego, which blocks the path for the true self. Too little focus causes you to become unconscious, which means the true self will over run you and you won’t be able to channel it.
-Pain and discomfort, including hot flushes: This will subside with more and more sittings. Over time, your body has stored up all of your buried emotions. When you do the sitting meditation, those emotions will rise to the surface and manifest as pain. You may especially experience it in your shoulders and back. Some gentle stretching after the sitting can help, but just know that in time it will reduce. You may of course stop the meditation if the discomfort becomes too much, but the more you can tolerate the more effective the sitting will be.
-Doubts and impatience: The mind will play its games. It will tell you that you’re being silly, and that you could better spend your time planning your next holiday. It will think of countless other things you could be doing. It will tell you there is no point to what you’re doing. Don’t listen to it. It is all a ruse. The mind hates feeling exposed without something to distract it. When these doubts arise (and they will), simply acknowledge them and keep going.
-Foggy vision: Meditation physically changes your brain chemistry. Foggy vision is a side effect of this, and will settle as you go deeper.
Self remembrance does have an aim: to open a space for your true self to emerge and for you to meet it. However, you will approach the exercise without an aim. The minute you begin attaching an aim to it, you will be energising the mind and so keeping the path to your true self closed. The exercise is about transcending the mind and discovering another realm inside you. You want to be as open and relaxed as possible. Rest assured knowing that the process will unfold by itself; there is nothing you actually need to ‘do’ but stay focused. You simply sit, and wait. You need to be alert, but rested. It is a paradoxical state, but it will make more and more sense with each sitting.
Discovering and exploring the true self is a personal journey and requires faith. Most people spend the majority of their time completely identified with their mind, which consumes their entire reality and stops them from being grounded in something deeper. This lack of grounding makes it easier to be manipulated. The mind can be convinced of anything, the true self, on the other hand, is much harder to fool.
A person may mentally ‘know’ of the existence of a true self, but knowing does not equate to experiencing. You may ‘know of’ the city of London, but without actually being there and experiencing its diversity, fast pace and classic landmarks, you will never really actually know it. So it is with the true self. Like a fish in water, when you begin the sitting meditation you will still be in the thinking realm. This is normal. It’s the starting point. Without actually having experienced how it is to be truly connected to your true self, you may find yourself thinking that it doesn’t actually exist. You must have faith, courage and patience as you find your way toward that wondrous place. There is a thinking mode, and there is a being mode, and the more sittings you do, the more obvious the line between the two will become. The more faith and courage you show, the more you will be rewarded. A point will come when you do sufficiently uncover it, and you may smile to yourself in acknowledgement. It will be a crucial milestone in your journey, and an enormous piece of the puzzle as you transition out of the narcissist regime and discover your true power.