Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
- Abraham Lincoln
Like a strain of flu, we can protect ourselves from victimisation by a narcissist if we vaccinate ourselves. Yes, to become more narcissist proof, we inject ourselves with narcissism.
Firstly, don’t worry; there are no needles involved. Secondly, don’t be afraid you’ll develop full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. You are biologically different. You have been blessed with the ability to feel shame and guilt. If these emotions were inserted like a chip in our brains, then narcissists would have an empty slot. So no matter what you do, you will never be a full blown narcissist. As long as you are in touch with those emotions, you will remain grounded. Recall that narcissism exists on a continuum, and even though we may slide up and down the scale, we can always bring ourselves back to the middle.
The incessant shaming by a narcissist convinces the target that they are unworthy and incapable. This leads to a lack of belief in their grandeur, except of course when they dissociate and fantasise. Taking up more space and standing out as the special one in the real world is a foreign concept which they usually designate for others. The remedy? Start being a little more narcissistic yourself. Stop imagining that you are special and start exercising your specialness. It will make you feel exposed and afraid, since you could in some situations be met with resistance, but it’s something you can grow accustomed to. After all, what could be more natural than living out precisely what life wants you to? Practice One through to Three serve to give you a more realistic view of yourself and should raise your self-esteem to where it’s supposed to be. Your behaviour should simply be an extension of that.
Full blown narcissism is grandiosity gone wrong. It is grandiosity addiction and it works by shaming others. Channelling your grandeur, when done with respect, can help you contribute to your world. As well as being a human being with flaws and limits, you are also inherently special and capable of amazing things, and you’re definitely allowed to channel that.
There’s nothing nicer than seeing a person with humility and humanity who inherently believes they are special. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and having abundant self-esteem. There is a lot wrong with believing you are God and then objectifying everyone as a result. Keeping in mind the difference between grandeur and grandiosity, you can:
-Go public: Give your opinion more, offer to give a presentation at work, share your creative work with the world or host events such as a birthday party or a house warming. As you come across friction from the world or from people, be open and listen, make adjustments if necessary, then keep doing it. Think of it as you contributing to your world. When done with humility and in a way which gives value to others, people will appreciate it.
-Take control: Don’t always leave it up to others to plan and be in charge. Make suggestions about where to go for dinner or create the plans and lead the way. There is a fine line between being bossy and contributing to your relationships. Find it. Try to understand who you’re planning for and find things which intersect for all involved. Strength and understanding are a great combination in relationships. When you can assert yourself in a way which enhances the lives of others, people will feel secure in your presence. Be that presence.
-Dream big: Come up with ideas about things you’re passionate about and think up ways to bring them to life. Don’t be abashed; you’re dreaming big because you are inherently big. Think of the smallest possible step you can take and take it. Do it daily, and as you put in more time, the representation of that dream will become clearer in the real world. Acknowledge your setbacks and obstacles and then find ways around them. Dreaming big and then doing something each day in service of that is how you make an impact on the world. It doesn’t really matter what it is, when you’re in touch with your true self, you’ll be skilled at following your instinct and you won’t need any reassurance about why you’re doing it.
-Have a sense of entitlement: Take the last slice of cake (someone has to), say sorry less, don’t hug the wall so much when you pass someone in the hallway and talk a bit louder. Make strong eye contact. This world is yours too.
If skilling up (Practice Three) brought you face to face with your shame, this practice will toss you into the deep end. It’s one thing to face your limits in daily practice, it is another thing entirely to stand out and open yourself up to the critique of others. Creating art and making it public is inviting the world to see your heart and soul. Speaking up and standing out from others can ruffle feathers, especially those of narcissists. Lifetime wounds can be reopened. Exposing your true self and feeling judged and rejected is painful. Shame can run riot in these situations. The trick is to go slow, and to be courageous. It also helps to make full use of Practice One (Allies) during those moments when you’re feeling vulnerable and exposed. Standing out and making yourself vulnerable in the real world is easier when you can get the support and understanding of those people who are in your corner. Your allies can tell you when you’ve gone too far, or they can help you see that the very thing you feel most ashamed about isn’t such a big deal. They can also cheer you on in their own way and encourage you when the chips are down. Your allies can give you the perspective and support to persevere through this practice until it becomes natural. Also, as your sense of self grows, you’ll have a firm cushion to press against for comfort when you run into difficult times. Setbacks and challenges won’t destroy your willpower so easily. You’ll need no excuses, because you have already made your pact with life. In the face of all obstacles, you’ll know that you are simply doing what you were put on this Earth to do.
It’s hard to develop healthy narcissism if you feel that you’re not even special. But once that belief slowly dissipates, you’ll start to realise that you are indeed infinitely special. You’ll begin to realise that a lot of the shame you previously felt wasn’t even necessary; it was only keeping you contained in a psychological cage. You’ll also learn that we live in a world of abundance, where being special doesn’t equate to putting others down or being a narcissistic asshole. It just means staking your claim. When you assert yourself like this, rather than seeing a sheep they can control, the narcissist will see someone they can fear. And the world will see someone they can admire.