Living well is the best revenge.
- George Herbert
Being on the receiving end of narcissism generates bucket loads of rage and frustration. For some of us, it began in childhood by the very people entrusted to care for us when we had no say. Some of us let down our guard while assuming the golden rule and spent years embroiled in drama and emotional misery before finally waking up to the truth. But now the cat is out of the bag. You look down on this dark, horrible truth, feeling used and full of anger. You point your finger. You need an object of rage for all the wasted time and needless suffering.
While we can blame the narcissists in our life, we can also foolishly turn on ourselves. We can blame ourselves for falling for the mind games. We can question why we endured the put downs and tolerated our needs being ignored. We can ask why we settled for less and allowed ourselves to be sucked back in when a part of us was screaming at us to walk away. We could also blame ourselves for the fact that, despite now being adults with free will, we still walk into relationships with narcissists.
Yes, your anger is justified. You have been wronged. Yes, if you feel a need to express your anger, you should find ways to do so. Yet blaming the narcissist keeps the focus outside of yourself and keeps you distracted from pursuing freedom. Your outrage empowers the narcissist. This uselessness of your outrage can be the most enraging part of all. Furthermore, blaming yourself instead keeps you in a self-destructive state of mind, and also distracts you from the task at hand. When you have been conditioned to play a certain role and previously had known no other way, then the blame is not on you. It is a difficult yet necessary paradigm shift; blame is not what you should be seeking at all. Finger pointing will not fix it. On the contrary, your freedom and empowerment are where your energy will be best spent. You can channel your outrage in a multitude of healthy and creative ways that directly benefit and improve your life.
“Trust, but verify” is a Russian proverb which Ronald Reagan used as one of his signature phrases. It holds a lot of truth in many aspects of life, and no less in dealing with narcissism.
Life is not black and white. We can sometimes pigeonhole people who don’t necessarily deserve it. We all have elements of narcissism in us, and that can sometimes get the better of us. Narcissism exists on a continuum; it’s different for everyone. We all have to deal with this reality. It’s not going away. It’s a permanent fixture in human nature. Yet its existence should not force us into a deep hole away from the world. To live a complete life, we need to unleash our true self and have trust that everything will be ok. It’s a great feeling, because by trusting and being genuine, we can open ourselves up to many exciting possibilities.
That does not mean we should be naive. Regardless of the person, you should give them a basic level of trust, but simultaneously put them to the test. Do they measure up? You can relax in your true self while casually observing with your mind. It’s about being alert but rested. It’s about using your healthy ego to do what it was meant to; monitor what is good and what is bad for you. This monitoring should not be done with coldness, however. Dealing with narcissism is not about labelling a person and then forgetting them. It’s about trying to see each new situation for what it is and then deciding if it’s time to shut down or walk away. Contempt is a tool which you should only use when necessary.
Life is beautiful, and many people we come across will enrich our experience. These people in our lives could make mistakes, and they could occasionally act in hurtful (and narcissistic) ways. We all have the capacity to be cold and calculating, not just narcissists. We humans do cruel things in the name of avoiding pain and shame. But we shouldn’t risk losing all that life has to offer because we shut the door too soon. We should trust, always, and we should verify. Always.