If you don't control your mind, someone else will.
- John Allston
Narcissists want the target under their control. Before having this, however, the narcissist will need to draw the target into their sphere of influence. They achieve this in a multitude of ways, with the two most common being sanctioned superiority and charm.
If the narcissist is a parent or in management, then their task becomes much easier. When in a natural position of power, the narcissist is seen by the target as both superior and as a source of structure and guidance. Having sanctioned control over another human being is extremely helpful for the narcissist; it’s the easiest way to get free supply. Many parents unwittingly do this, keeping their children trapped in a cage of guilt and manipulation so that they don’t stray too far away from them. It’s important to note that such parents don’t all have narcissistic personality disorder, but this tendency in a parent is narcissistic.
Further to their sanctioned position of power, the narcissist will assert their dominance by ridiculing and shaming those beneath them and acting shameless. This strategy helps add to the aura that the narcissist is of higher status. By keeping the target washed over with shame, the target becomes more compliant. Recall that shame is the equaliser emotion, which encourages us to behave how society expects in order to be accepted.
As a child grows, and depending on how much healthy shame their parent shows, they will tone down their god-like perception of the parent and begin to see them for what they are; human beings with flaws. This natural transition becomes thwarted, however, if the parent is a narcissist. Their shamelessness and grandiosity mixed with a child’s impressionability is a dangerous cocktail. Society compounds this by making it taboo to question the person who brought you into this world. Therefore, seeing your parents or family members in any negative light brings about intense feelings of guilt.
It can also be tough to see your manager as feeding off you for narcissistic supply since you expect to take orders from somebody who is above you in the work hierarchy. The working relationship is not the measure of narcissism, however. It is the attitude toward and the treatment of others which makes the difference. To the narcissist, an employee is an object who will do what they are told and give the narcissist their supply. To a person of healthy shame, an employee is a person with basic rights who has agreed to take on a role in exchange for a salary.
A narcissistic manager will:
-Expect their employee to work overtime with no regard for the employee’s stress levels or overall happiness
-Put down the employee and prey on their weaknesses
-Blur the lines when it comes to contractual obligations and manipulate their employee into going above the call of duty
-Enforce one-way communication, not allowing the employee to question them or their agenda
-Make verbal and personal attacks against the employee
-Instigate drama and confusion when communicating with their employees
A manager with healthy shame will instead:
-Encourage a high level of work while respecting the happiness and well-being of their employee
-Enforce the manager-employee relationship while respecting the basic rights of the employee
-Rely on a feedback loop with the employee and hold themselves accountable to ensure the working relationship is healthy
-Respect the employee’s rights to personal boundaries
To summarise, a position of superiority and a shameless attitude are a potent combination, especially against those who have grown accustomed to life under a narcissist regime.
Charm is useful in the absence of power hierarchies, used to lure the target into the narcissist’s sphere of influence.
When using charm, the narcissist communicates two things to their targets; I like you, and I am just like you. When you meet a normal person, they usually show a healthy scepticism of you, and it takes time to build their trust. If you have enough in common with each other, you will bond slowly over those similarities. You build trust between each other in a gradual and steady fashion. Most often, though, the similarities are not strong enough, and what little of the relationship you have formed effectively dies off.
With a narcissist, the relationship hits the ground running. The narcissist apparently shares many of the things that you enjoy. They are very engaging and quick to do you small favours which you haven’t requested. They make most of your relationships look bland in comparison. The more impressionable you are to charm, the more likely the narcissist will use it.
Some signs that the narcissist is using charm on you are:
-They actually say “I like you” very soon after meeting you.
-They make intense, unflinching eye contact.
-They act very agreeable and nice, but might suddenly switch focus and pretend like you don’t even exist.
-They share a lot of your interests, but only through conversation. There’s no actual proof of it.
-They offer you their undivided attention and contact you consistently (Also known as Love Bombing).
You can also tell if a narcissist is using charm by your gut feeling. Normally it feels good and off-putting at the same time. Like a robot trying to imitate human emotions, there is a machine-like feel about it, mainly because they are putting it on - it’s not real. A person with healthy shame and good intentions will be uncomfortable with too much eye contact, will not be interested in you without strong reasons and will be able to demonstrate clearly that they share your interests.
If a target is between relationships or feels starved of love, then any attention will be welcomed. The target will have no choice; the pull will be magnetic and almost irresistible. It won’t feel right, but their need for attention and acceptance will override their gut instinct. This early stage in a relationship is crucial for the narcissist. Once they can establish rapport and get their target to invest, then manipulating the target becomes much easier. We are much more agreeable with people who we like.
The charm will stay on until one or both of the following happens:
-The target is completely won over: Once the narcissist has the target completely invested in the relationship, the charm can be turned off. At this stage, the target has been disarmed and has let go of any scepticism. If control over the target starts slipping, then charm can be switched on again.
-The target is no longer useful to the narcissist: This cycle can happen over and over again, where the narcissist will charm their way into the target’s affections, get whatever they need (an ego boost, a favour, company) and then switch it off again. It can also happen in romantic relationships, where the narcissist either begins acting more distant and secretive or leaves the relationship altogether without notice.
The key way to know when the narcissist is using charm is that it can be switched on and off. Lavish and enthusiastic praise becomes radio silence. Then when the target begins to let go or the narcissist needs some fresh supply, it comes on again full power. This merry-go-round can happen in a relationship or with an acquaintance. It depends on what the narcissist needs at that moment. Normally the reasons for a person’s disengagement are there, like stress or being overwhelmed. It’s noticeable, or they could even remain engaged on a lower level and explain their situation. With a narcissist, it will simply switch off as though the warmth that the target thought was there never existed. It is sudden and swift, and can often be the only red flag you will notice. The narcissist will simply leave a phone text unanswered or just stare, eyes glazed over, with little regard for the target.
Using sanctioned superiority or charm, the narcissist has pulled the target under their sphere of influence. The next step will be to cement their control. They achieve this by breaking down and then recreating the target’s identity as well as reprogramming their reality.
If somebody spotted a mole on your hand, and then with a look of shock and concern told you that you’re gravely ill and that you should immediately go to the hospital, would you believe them? Probably not. You know a mole is a sunspot, and that when it’s brown, it’s harmless. You have confidence in your ability to read reality.
What if somebody told you that you had something in your hair? Would you believe them? Probably, but by checking with your hands or with a mirror you could easily verify the truth.
What if somebody, instead, told you something that was open to interpretation? What if they said that your hair looks funny today? Or that you look grumpy all the time? That not many people like you? Maybe that you dress oddly? Or that you’re inconsiderate?
A person who respects the golden rule and who has a moral compass knows the power of words, and would carefully consider their statements, opinions and judgements before sharing them. They will test them for truth and consider their impact on people. A narcissist, on the other hand, will make judgements and say hurtful things which target a person’s insecurities - without hesitation - and act as though they are gospel.
Often it's not what you say, but how you say it. The narcissist will say things with such conviction and passion that the person hearing it will be strongly inclined to believe it. The narcissist will rely on this conviction and the weaknesses of their target to further their agenda.
While a narcissist is charming their way into your heart, they are simultaneously fishing for insecurities. Once they discover those weaknesses, they can use them as entry points into your mind. Your deepest insecurities mostly come from childhood. When they are brought up, especially by someone close to you, they reopen those wounds and make you even more vulnerable. Supposedly innocent remarks engage your emotions and open up small gaps which allow the narcissist into your most sensitive spaces.
Subjective remarks are a potent weapon in the war for your mind. The aim is to break down your sense of reality and then create a new one, where you are a pawn in the narcissist’s game.
This hijacking process is carried out by the narcissist in three steps:
1. They break down your identity: They might question how you arranged the books on the shelf or tell you that the way you did your hair looks odd. They tell you that you put on weight recently. They tell you that you don’t spend enough time with them and that even their ex, who they described as selfish and incompetent, gave them more time than you did. They tell you that your friends are rude and stuck up. You’re too emotional or even too emotionally distant. You need to focus more on your career and earn more money. You’re self-centred and don’t care enough about the feelings of others. It is these subtle and often unsubstantiated opinions and remarks which wear down a person and make them believe that they are incompetent compared to the narcissist. They are designed to make you question yourself and your reality. It won’t be uncommon to feel a sense of shame and unworthiness for days after spending time with a narcissist. You start asking yourself; am I getting fat? Am I too self-centred? It’s only a matter of time before these persistent, subtle attacks break through.
2. They begin feeding you a new identity: As the narcissist breaks down your self-esteem and your identity, shame runs riot. The more washed over with shame you become, the more you will scramble to redeem yourself. The time is then ripe to begin feeding you a new identity, which will naturally involve you being whatever the narcissist needs you to be. By telling you that you’re being too emotional or giving you a distasteful look when you express your emotions, they cause you to compensate by showing less emotion, all with the aim of stunting your ability to express yourself in the relationship. By telling you that you’re self-centred, they cause you to compensate for this false standard by giving them more and more of your attention. By laughing at your choice of clothing, they cause you to express less of your individuality and instead come deeper into their web, even going as far as to dress how they expect you to. By consistently ridiculing and attacking your friends and family, they cause you to question your relationships, and in turn slowly but surely disengage from the people in your life and invest more in your relationship with the narcissist. The narcissist does not want you to have a network to rely on; they want you dependent entirely on them, where they can have you under their control.
3. They use a reward/punish strategy to finalise the new identity: If you behave how the narcissist expects, they will usually reward you with compliments, attention or sex. If your original identity comes through, or you do not act as expected, they will punish you by verbally attacking you, resuming their attack on your identity, expressing their distaste, ridiculing and shaming you or giving you the cold shoulder.
The narcissist makes you believe things that aren’t true. When you have a warped sense of reality, you won’t have any idea how to feel or act. Their twisted manipulations then become your reality. They have control over your mind. All you know is that you keep messing up, and they don’t. So you conclude that the narcissist is much more competent and powerful than you. Your self-esteem drops more and more, and your new identity as the underling takes over.