Come see! You’ll love it, too!???”The best time to hold your tongue is the time
you feel you must say something or bust.
—JOSH BILLINGS
Do you remember the days when you ran to grab the phone on the first ring? Your parents could hardly get you to hang up long enough to eat a meal? You clung to that curled cord as if it were an umbilical cord tying you to your friends. Their voices connected you to the outside world—conversations centered on who was dating whom, who flunked what class, who hated whose guts that week. Being grounded from the phone for an infraction of the house rules felt like a death sentence.
Then with the advent of email, romance moved online. And those emotional personal and business moments came through in email “flames.” Consultants warned us to let those missives cool off before hitting the Send button. Otherwise, an email written in an emotional moment might cost our job. They warned that the meaning got muddled in an email because the tone sounded different when delivered by text rather than tongue. What could be said with a smile and a pat on the back might not come across the same way with an exclamation point or an emoticon.
Then flaming email morphed into Facebook posts, text messages, and tweets. Shorter and more frequent became more direct and aggressive.
Only when there’s a major communication foul-up that forces a manager to say, “Please pick up the phone and CALL Joe to clear up the mess” do some people realize the expedience and effectiveness of an actual conversation to clear up a problem. Recently, on a TV talk show the host probed a guest about a lawsuit regarding Medicare fraud. He asked why the victim had not called the agent earlier to report the discrepancy in the billings from the hospital and those shown on the insurance forms.
“Did you think of calling to report the discrepancy?” the talk-show host pressed the angry guest.
“I emailed them about it, but never got an explanation,” the guest responded.
“But if what you say is true, why didn’t you CALL?” the talk-show host pursued.
“Call? I didn’t want to be rude!”
“Rude? You considered calling ‘rude’?”
“Yes. I think calling someone today is an intrusion.”
So what’s at the foundation of that feeling? What would make a victim file a lawsuit before engaging in an emotional conversation?
We at Booher began to get calls several years ago from executives saying, “Our employees can’t carry on a conversation any longer. They’ve been sitting behind a computer so long that they have difficulty talking face-to-face.”
A multi-billion-dollar high-tech firm stated the problem this way: “When we have consultants on site to do a project, occasionally an executive at the client site will walk by and ask how things are going. That’s a great opportunity for our consultants to tell the CEO what we’ve accomplished for them and mention ideas for add-on projects or to solicit their help on a stalled project. But our consultants just freeze. They can’t carry on a simple conversation to engage an executive along those lines. Either they offend by complaining about the client’s staff. Or they just go goofy or silent because they’re talking to the CEO.”
But there’s a bigger issue than brain-freeze when talking to C-suite executives. In many cases, people find email and texting easier than a difficult face-to-face discussion. When communicating in real time without a buffer, emotions erupt far too often. Saying the right thing at the appropriate moment takes presence of mind and control of emotions.
World-renowned psychologist Paul Ekman, in his classic book Emotions Revealed, talks about the usefulness of auto-appraisers with his illustration of near-miss auto accidents.14 For example, if you’re driving down the freeway and see a car approaching head-on from the exit ramp, you immediately jerk the steering wheel out of the path of the oncoming car. Fear causes you to take those immediate actions without having to think to do so. Your heart starts to pump; blood races to your leg muscles; you begin to sweat. Your brain goes on automatic pilot from the emotion of fear stored in your emotional database to deliver these physical reactions.
Another example: Let’s say that you grew up with an over-protective big sister telling you what to do. Twenty years later you work for a female boss. She warns you that taking a “promotion” the higher-ups have offered you in a new division will become a dead-end job within a year, with no further chance for advancement. You react angrily to your boss for trying to “control” you and accept the new job offer without investigating. Your auto-appraiser takes over from the stored emotion of anger at being “overprotected” by your “big sister” (boss).
In the case of the near-miss auto accident, these unconscious reactions can save your life. But this same unconscious reaction can cost you respect—or even your job—in other situations.
For example, let’s say that colleague Joe makes an unthinking remark that embarrasses you during a meeting. You know the boss heard it. Your auto-appraiser takes over. You react out of your stored emotional database of fear. Problem? Joe’s remark was simply carelessly worded; he had no intention of ill will. Others didn’t take the remark seriously. But your emotions short-circuited to the emotional fear reaction. You look foolish for your inappropriate display of anger.
Analyze the link between stored past emotions and your reactions to current situations and people. Carlos, an acquaintance of mine doing an assessment for a power company, interviewed a lineman about a grievance he’d filed against the company. Even the reflective sunglasses the lineman wore could not hide his anger as he recounted with great upset the injustice done to him by management. Carlos listened for quite some time and finally stopped the lineman to ask, “When did this incident happen?”
“Fifteen years ago.”
A frequent situation. A dad argues with the referee over a strikeout after his child has long forgotten the play. In reality, the argument stems from a defeat in the dad’s past or a wish to relive his own childhood. A mom, feeling her own disappointment two decades earlier, takes the school principal to task because her daughter has failing grades and doesn’t get to try out for cheerleader. A board member for a nonprofit charity rejects the budget recommendations because funding will not cover research for a spouse’s debilitating illness. All are emotion-driven reactions.
Understanding these past links to current emotional reactions becomes a first step toward adjustment.
People with presence demonstrate emotional maturity. They moderate their reactions to fit the situation, a relationship, and their goals.
People long for passionate leaders, who inspire, motivate, and engage them. But others’ unbridled negative emotion feels dangerous and downright scary. That’s why you sometimes feel rather helpless and even embarrassed when a colleague breaks down and cries in front of you over some disappointment like a romantic breakup or bonus that didn’t come through. Out-of-control emotions feel unpredictable and put everyone “on edge.”
Case in point: When I arrived on the Naval base in Maryland and first met Brad, the senior-ranking person there, he was not my idea of a military officer for several reasons. For starters, he arrived late to our 8:00 a.m. training session. Overhearing the wisecracks and “Brad” jokes, his administrative assistant spoke up to say she’d handled the “Brad problem” by telling him the start time was 7:30.
Neither was tact part of the boss’s repertoire. When I posed a question for discussion, participants responded with opinions. When Brad didn’t agree with them, he had no reservations in letting them know it. After all, he was the boss and obviously didn’t want them to forget that. But I’ll have to give him A-plus for participation. The training session was his idea. His budget was covering the cost; his team would be the benefactors if his staff learned to write better proposals and get their projects funded. So he “got with the program,” and at the end of day one, he told me the customized session was right on target.
Ditto for day two. On day three, he took the entire team to lunch at a nice restaurant. But half an hour later when the workshop resumed, I posed a question to the group about outside resources for their proposals.
All of a sudden, a loud crash from the back of the room startles everyone. Everybody in the room cranes their neck toward the back to see what table or chair has crashed to the floor.
Everything still seems to be standing. The only person not stretching around to see what has happened is Brad. He sits with arms folded across his chest and eyes glaring. The query on everyone’s face: “What was that?”
Had he been leaning his chair back on two legs and accidentally fallen forward with a big thud? He offers no explanation, just sits staring toward the front. Maybe he’s embarrassed, I tell myself. So I continue the discussion. I repeat the prior question to the group and pause for someone to offer an opinion.
All of a sudden, Brad thunders up the classroom aisle, passes me as he exits the room, and slams the door so loudly that it rattles the large picture hanging nearby. I turn back to the group, with a “What’s up?” expression on my face.
Some of his staff members look red-faced; others, ashen. I get the distinct feeling that this is not the first time they’d seen that temper. But what had set him off?
We ignore the metaphorical elephant in the room and continue our discussion of how they might revamp their proposal templates. About forty-five minutes later, Brad saunters back into the room as if nothing has happened, takes a seat, and participates for the rest of the afternoon. (Later, I discovered from my colleague sitting in the back of the room that the first loud crash had been Brad picking up his heavy three-inch workbook binder, lifting it over his head, and slamming it onto the floor.)
At the end of the workshop after all his staff had left the room, and I was about to leave the building, Brad offered this explanation: “I want to apologize about losing my temper this afternoon. But that just ticked me off—hearing Wendy say that we could get outside resources to develop our proposals. That just sets up false expectations for the others. We’re never going to get approval on outside resources. She might as well get that out of her head. I don’t want the rest of my people even hearing that crap. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with you—it’s an internal problem. But she knows better than to bring up something like that. Anyway, just an explanation. Good job today.”
And he walked off.
About a month after Brad emailed to say that he and his staff felt the workshops were very beneficial to them, our business development manager contacted him about scheduling an additional workshop. Here was Brad’s response:
Thanks for the email. At the present, I can’t get additional funding. You’re going to have to follow up with others in the organization to see about scheduling other workshops.
Happy holidays!
Brad
Six months later, Vernon emailed him an article from the Investor’s Business Daily mentioning business communication issues that he thought might be of interest. Brad responded this way:
Vernon,
I asked you last time politely NOT to send me any more emails ever!
Brad
As Vernon showed me the two emails, he recalled an earlier comment Brad had made during a phone conversation while they were coordinating one of the earlier workshops. “I’m outta here as soon as I can find another opportunity. I’m tired of fighting the battles.”
Something tells me that he’s going to be “fighting the battles” wherever he goes.
A display of anger—sharp words, a splash of profanity, a slammed door, clicked heels and a sudden exit from a meeting—signals emotions out of control. A dangerous thing for the owner of such emotions—whether in person or in writing—and a scary sight for the witnesses.
Why are such emotional outbursts dangerous? In part, because they often lead to words and actions that go against our better judgment and better self—from words, to actions, and even to violence.
Like the measles, emotions are contagious. If you don’t believe it, watch an angry mob. I dare you to attend a passionate political rally or controversial PTA meeting and come away unaffected. Just like a bad cold, negative emotions need to be contained. Likewise, sales professionals know that happy emotions expressed through smiling and nodding at buyers affect a prospect’s chance of mirroring that same emotion and buying.15
Emotions spread. When yours erupt, they affect other people—either positively or negatively. As a result, their mirrored emotion determines others’ perceptions of you.
Recently, I heard a speaker reintroduce herself from the platform to a group after an absence from the industry of more than twenty years. Then during the five-minute talk, she ended with, “I love each and every one of you.”
Really? Sincerely, she does? When I hear a cliché such as this (How could she? She doesn’t even know them), I doubt and discount everything else that comes out of the speaker’s mouth. Although the speaker is choked up at the moment, emotion will eventually give way to reason, and the speaker will be left facing a roomful of skeptics.
Even happy emotions can be out of control. Say what’s sincere, then stop.
In addition to insincerity, gushing emotions suggest immaturity. I often get emails that sound like, “Mommy! Mommy! Look! Look! There’s a big red fire engine! Come see! You’ll love it, too!???”
Beware the overuse of exclamation marks and emoticons that make you sound like a second-grader at the seashore. Such unbridled emotion may work well for tweets and Facebook posts, but you’ll want to tone it down for more formal communication.
Adopting the personality of a duffle bag doesn’t cut it either. Appearing unemotional or overcontrolled is just as bad as being out of control. The goal is to choose the way you feel and how to express your emotions constructively.
How? Choose your attitude.
Body language researchers tell us that seven emotions have a universal and distinct facial expression: anger, sadness, fear, surprise, disgust, contempt, and happiness.16 Think how many times people feel these emotions at work. Leakage happens. That is, what people feel seeps out through their body language—no matter how hard they may try to conceal it. As mentioned earlier, liars can often be detected by emotions that flicker across the face in milliseconds. That’s why when people feel emotional, their voice grows husky; we say they “get all choked up.” Typically, it takes a professional actor to fake an emotion—its presence or its absence.
So as not to reveal deep-seated anger, resentment, arrogance, and the like, you have to change those attitudes. Psychologist Carol Tavris, author of Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, points out the dangers of expressing anger, contradicting what many amateur coaches and consultants often advise when they suggest “venting” is good for you.17 Here are just a few of the dangers she mentions:
• Expressed anger destroys relationships.
• Angry people are socially unattractive and not well-liked.
• Expressed anger typically results in retaliation.
The goal, of course, is not to repress anger, but to rid yourself of the feeling by discovering its source and then changing the attitude and ultimately the emotion about that cause. Learn instead to talk about conflicts in a constructive way. For suggestions on how to deal with the five primary causes of conflict, how to mediate conflict between friends or colleagues, and how to respond to insults or criticism, you can find several hundred tips in my earlier book Communicate with Confidence: How to Say It Right the First Time and Every Time.
Apologies do not repair the damage done by displays of anger or arrogance. Better to choose how to express emotion appropriately than to stifle it, hoping others won’t notice. They will. Beware the perception that you show up and blow up.
Emotions running amok can muck up your relationships and your reputation. Personal presence means moderating your emotional reactions so that you choose when and how to best express them.