They may forget what you said,
but they will never forget how you made them feel.
—CAROL BUECHNER
We can’t hear you,” one of the workers yelled out from the rubble when President George W. Bush started to speak impromptu from the top of a fire truck as he toured the damage from the 9-11 attack at the World Trade Center.
“Well I can hear you. The whole world hears you. And the people who knocked down these buildings will hear from all of us soon.”
His comment connected with the hearts of Americans who were feeling the same raw emotions. Many say that was the day he became their president; it marked the height of his popularity. Opponents continued to label him personally likeable even if growing weary of the war and his policies toward the end of his two terms in office.
John Kerry, on the other hand, was much criticized for his artificial greeting at the Democratic National Convention when he stepped to the lectern, saluted, and said, “I’m John Kerry, and I’m reporting for duty.” Rehearsed. Unemotional. Disconnected.
President Barack Obama experienced the same learning curve about emotional engagement. At his 2008 inauguration, the emotional connection was high as the country watched its first African American president and wife Michelle stroll down Pennsylvania Avenue greeting well-wishers. But after those early months when he self-admittedly struggled to stay in touch with the American people, his popularity ratings declined. Americans want their leaders to engage with them, not just poll them. Employees want their executives to listen to them, not just assign projects or sign paychecks. Clients want their suppliers to care about their business challenges, not just sell products or services to them.
Those who have presence strive to engage emotionally as well as physically.
But emotional presence implies permission.
Few people will permit you to barge in on them at will. In fact, life in the fast lane requires us to set our default drive to tune people out literally and figuratively. So what is it that makes people invite you into their life, so to speak?
Two things: credibility and likeability. You may be credible and have others pick your brain and benefit from your work—but choose not to be around you if they don’t have to be. On the other hand, you may be a likeable, life-of-the-party sort whom everybody wants to hang out with. But people may not consider you credible in challenging times for critical information or competent performance.
The combination of both competence and likeability characterizes a leader with presence. That’s why political pollsters construct survey questions to attempt to measure the candidates’ likeability ratings as well as their competence scores.
The perception of both leads to presence and the presidency.
Likeability may be hard to define, but we know it when we feel it. We like those who show interest in us and are interesting themselves. We like those who are familiar to us, similar to us, trustworthy, genuine, transparent, humble, positive, and accepting of us.24
So how do you demonstrate likeability?
The tagline “mover and shaker” comes from a metaphor—a very visual component of a personality trait or habit. Not only do these people move through many networks, work a lot of relationships, and shake their share of hands, they literally take the lead in approaching people. When newcomers enter a room, people with presence approach them confidently, introduce themselves, act as host, make introductions, and connect them to others in the group. They approach and give attention to others.
Unlike wallflowers who remain self-conscious and stand to the side, looking as though they’re about to wilt, people with presence put themselves on the frontline to serve. As a result, others feel their presence because of the attention they give—not receive.
Consider what you see when looking in a handheld mirror. Hold the mirror at arm’s length, and your image is small. Bring the mirror closer and closer to your face, and your image grows until it seems to engulf you. To have this same “larger than life” effect on others, take the lead in approaching them—to introduce yourself, to shake hands, to wish them well, and to say goodbye as they leave a meeting.
A title in the HBR List recently intrigued me: “Just Because I’m Nice, Don’t Assume I’m Dumb.”25 Harvard Business professor and author Amy J.C. Cuddy points out that many managers make the snap judgment that likeability and competence are mutually exclusive. That may explain why some people remain aloof from those they serve and with whom they work.
Exclusivity is not a new idea. More than five hundred years ago, Machiavelli had the same idea when he studied the link between fear and power. People do pay attention to those with power to reward or punish them. But people enjoy being around those who are likeable, humble, and willing to give them the proverbial time of day.
At my nephew’s recent wedding reception, the best man delivered a humorous, yet poignant, toast to the bride and groom. To watch him interact with the other guests later in the evening, it would have been difficult to guess he was an oncologist at a prestigious cancer center. No pretension. Genuine interest in others.
A celebrity ESPN sports commentator hosts the weekend games on TV, and then sits quietly in the audience at his church when he’s in town applauding appreciatively when various amateurs speak from the stage. No pretension around others of less renown.
These people remain approachable, and friends admire them for their character—not just their notoriety.
You can demonstrate that you’re listening in four key ways: (1) Using attentive body language; (2) Asking questions; (3) Answering questions; (4) Taking action on what you’ve heard.
To build rapport as you listen, make mirroring a conscious choice. Yawning is one form of unconscious mirroring familiar to most of us. See someone yawn, and before you know it, you’re yawning. You walk into a room where everybody’s whispering, and automatically you lower your voice to a whisper to sync with those around you. Someone passing you in the hallway nods and smiles; you automatically return the nod and smile. These are examples of subconscious mirroring.
To make others feel accepted and to create a bond, consciously mirror their body language and match their speaking rate and pattern. Mirroring facial expressions with men, however, doesn’t work so well because they often have an expressionless face. So if you’re a woman who has ever been told you are “too expressive” or “too transparent” with your face, then when listening to men, keep a serious face to be considered more intelligent and seasoned. Men listening to a woman should mirror her expression to demonstrate listening. Give the speaker your full attention. Stop whatever you’re doing and look the speaker directly in the eye. Tilt your head slightly to one side. The literal message is, “I’m giving you an ear.”
Ask questions about what the speaker is saying to help clarify thoughts and to verify that you’ve heard correctly and have drawn the intended conclusions. Answer questions specifically rather than vaguely. Follow through with action to demonstrate that you’ve heard and agree with what someone has asked you to do.
After all, how frustrated do you become when you have to call a credit-card company, insurance agency, or healthcare facility several times to take care of an invoice that should have been corrected with your initial call if the representative had only listened to you the first time? Such interactions happen only once or twice with the same individual. But imagine the negative impression created when poor listening becomes habitual with colleagues over an extended period of time.
Benjamin Disraeli was right when he observed, “Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.” The magic in this mix? He or she will think you are a remarkable person. Listening increases likeability, and likeability leads to trust.
Noted psychologist William Ickes, at the University of Texas, has studied empathy in depth and writes this: “Empathetically accurate perceivers are those who are consistently good at ‘reading’ other people’s thoughts and feelings. All else being equal, they are likely to be the most tactful advisors, the most diplomatic officials, the most effective negotiators, the most electable politicians, the most productive salespersons, the most successful teachers, and the most insightful therapists.”26
I had occasion to hear a staffer at the Department of Defense Finance and Accounting Service talk with pride about one of the agency’s key achievements: the ability to get fast cash to military families in need during recent flooding incidents on the Louisiana coast. Her body language and voice suggested deep empathy with families she’d served personally while issuing checks on-site along the coast.
To empathize with others, you have to know and understand their situation. Find commonalities. Instead of asking people the age-old question, “So what do you do?” probe with, “So tell me about your work” or “Tell me what you’re involved in currently.” When they respond in some global or vague way, ask: “For example?” Deal in specifics. Dig for the details. Demonstrate your interest.
Comment on the commonplace. Ask an opinion about the event. Ask about others’ comfort or discomfort with the setting, about the food served, about the entertainment, about how they know other guests. Ask about their plans for the upcoming week, or weekend, or vacation, or next project, or current challenge. Listen to their responses, and make your comments and questions genuine.
No matter how much people like you, they probably don’t want to share their toothbrush with you. Take care not to violate others’ sense of personal space.
Familiarity leads to liking. But familiarity may also lead to a diminished sense of respect. Remember the facetious definition of a consultant? Someone who carries a bigger briefcase and travels more than a hundred miles from home. Think of it this way: You let your teen call you on your cell at 2:00 a.m., but you may not give that same freedom to your Facebook friends or your florist.
Consider the physical side of the toothbrush test. More formally, Dr. Edward Hall calls this principle of personal space the study of proxemics. The intimate zone is 6–18 inches. Only those very close to us emotionally can enter here—lovers, family, pets. The personal zone, between 18-48 inches, is the distance we stand from someone at an office party or PTA meeting. The social zone, between 4 and 12 feet, represents the distance we typically allow between us and strangers or those we don’t know very well such as a repair person or the store clerk. The public zone, more than 12 feet, is where we stand to speak to a group. Women tend to stand somewhat closer and men tend to stand somewhat farther apart. Distance also varies in different cultures.
Violate these unwritten rules by invading somebody’s space and they will consider you aggressive and intimidating. You have used their toothbrush. They may not tell you directly to get your iPad off their desk or to stop waving your arm in their face, but they will shut down emotionally. If both of you are standing, the other person will step back. If you follow, they will take another step away. The dance begins.
While touch may communicate caring with close friends, touch also conveys status in our society. It’s a sign of dominance—a handshake, a touch to the arm or shoulder, a brush against someone passing in the hallway. Take it easy with touching and realize the message of dominance you may be sending. These may trigger emotional detachment rather than engagement.
Besides the physical aspects of space and touching, consider emotional space. That is, to maintain your presence, associate yourself emotionally with the pleasant—and distance yourself from the unpleasant and unpopular.
This principle of emotional association comes into play every day in the marketing world. Advertisers use beautiful models to sell their cars, sports celebrities to endorse training equipment, and doctors to sell medical equipment or pharmaceuticals. Nonprofits invite celebrities to lend their name to their cause as honorary chairs for their fundraising charity events.
Robert Cialdini, in his excellent book Influence, writes at length about his research regarding the principle of association. He points out research in the areas of everyday life that you’ve probably experienced for yourself. For example, the principle of association is at play when radio stations announce their call letters immediately before they play the biggest hit songs of the day. When fans talk about their local college or pro sport team, it’s “we won” during a winning season, but “they lost” during a losing season. Weather forecasters get blamed for the bad weather they predict.27
The cliché “Don’t shoot the messenger” warns about human nature and this principle of association. Whether glory or blame, the reflection falls on those nearby. So pay attention to whom and with what you associate yourself.
Become an expert. And as Virgil says, “Follow an expert” until you do. Be present and engage others when and where good things happen.