7
I heard Judith before I saw her.
“Where is she, the little slut?” she shouted from the front door.
“We warned you she was in good form!” Jack said as he entered the living room.
I stood up from the couch to watch her arrival. She spotted me, pointed her finger at me, saying: “You, you, you,” over and over again. Then, without sparing me her piercing look, she planted a big kiss on Jack’s cheek before heading for me.
“You little… you’re nothing more than a… oh, shit!”
She threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug.
“You know you’re going to get an earful from me, don’t you?”
“And I missed you too, Judith.”
She let go of me, sniffled, took me by the shoulders, and looked me up and down.
“You’ve got some flesh on your bones. Wow!”
“And you’re just as spectacular as ever!”
“I’m keeping the legend alive.”
It was the absolute truth. Judith looked amazing, unbelievably sexy, with a mischievous look in her eyes that would melt the toughest of men. Even her brother was prey in her trap. Abby came over and hugged us both. Judith gave me a wink that was both affectionate and complicit.
“I have my two daughters with me.”
My uneasiness must have been apparent.
“Don’t make that face, Diane. What Abby said is true. And besides, you were this close to becoming my sister…”
I’d forgotten how formidable they were when they ganged up together. We all burst out laughing.
That day was spent as if we were at a reunion. We took turns laughing, crying, and hearing Judith tease me. Judith and I shared the task of consoling Abby. She looked ten years younger; in just a few hours, every trace of her illness had disappeared: her face was relaxed, she had all her energy back and she no longer seemed depressed. Judith and I had to fight with her so she’d let us take care of making supper, that’s how well she felt. That evening, two more people would be joining us: Edward and Declan. I refused to think about it.
A large part of the afternoon was taken up with preparing the meal; I got a real lesson in Irish gastronomy, learning how to make rye bread and authentic Irish stew. At that moment, I thought they were right: I was with my mother and sister. A sister with whom I’d been doing silly things as if we were fifteen years old, and our mother who told us off. Every now and again, Jack tried to enter our ladies’ den, but invariably turned back.
Judith got out her cell phone to immortalize the moment. Abby took part in the fun, laughing, and so did I. We took selfies of the three of us in gales of laughter. I was playing the fool when the door opened. Declan and Edward.
“Judith!” cried Declan.
“Hey, if it isn’t my favorite little snotty-nosed kid! Now, what did I tell you?”
“Hello, Aunt Judith,” he obediently replied, before throwing his arms around her neck.
Hearing this made me laugh so hysterically that doubled over. I hadn’t laughed so hard in years.
“Has anyone ever seen Diane in such a state?” asked Abby, also in stitches.
“It’s Judith’s fault!” I managed to say. “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? You put your feet on the table and then make him call you that?”
“Wait, I’ll try to be more classy.”
Edward followed my lead, laughing as well. It was the first time since I’d seen him again that he looked relaxed and smiling. I wanted to look away. I did, but met Declan’s gaze. He was still clinging onto Judith. He gave me a big smile and waved.
“Hello, Declan.” I said softly.
“Now, boys and girls, back to work! Girls, in the kitchen; Edward, you’re going to take some real pictures of us!” Abby ordered.
He looked at her as if she were from outer space.
“Use your talent for your family, for once. Do it for me.”
“Only because it’s for you,” he grumbled.
He was about to leave the kitchen when Declan called him.
“Daddy, wait!”
Everyone looked at him. He squirmed out of Judith’s arms so his feet hit the ground. She finally let him go.
“Can I help you?” he asked Edward, going over to him.
“Come to the car with me.”
The way he smiled at his father made it clear how much he already loved him. A few minutes later, he was Edward’s assistant, handing him whatever he needed. Judith’s clowning around and the simple pleasure of making Abby happy were enough to block out my uneasiness at their presence, or at least to come to terms with it. Jack also joined us, pouring us each some Guinness. He sat down and clinked glasses with his wife. Declan ran around the table laughing. Judith cleared away all the mess and I took charge of washing the dishes. We were all talking at the same time, about everything and nothing, simply excited by the joy of being there. When I’d finished the dishes, I leaned against the kitchen counter and drank my beer. I caught Edward looking at me—I felt that time had stopped. I wanted to look away, but couldn’t. What could he be thinking about? As for me, it was impossible to clearly know what was running through my mind. Then, suddenly, he clenched his teeth and the bubble burst. He was looking for his son; Declan was staring at his father’s camera on the kitchen counter as if it were some kind of treasure.
“Don’t touch; it’s easily broken.”
You could see the disappointment on the little boy’s face. It was even worse when Edward went outside to put everything away in the car without asking him to help and without saying a word to anyone. He was gone for ages, which seemed to make Declan anxious. He stared at the kitchen door, jumped at the slightest sound, as if he were keeping watch. When he heard his father come back inside the house, his face relaxed and he could smile again.
When we went to sit down at the table, Declan insisted on sitting next to me. There was no way I could refuse. After all I’d already gone through, I could manage that. Edward was about to scold him but I stopped him.
“It’s fine,” I said, smiling.
The atmosphere during dinner was fun, convivial, and domestic. Life had spared no one at the table, the others most especially, given Abby’s recent illness. Yet everyone tried to bounce back, to live, to be content to have some happy moments; a mixture of the instinct to survive and an acceptance of fatality. They’d welcomed me with all my screw-ups and still did. I was with them and it felt good. But a part of me would have preferred to feel less at home; the separation was going to be difficult, I already knew that. The more I needed to move forward with my life in Paris—to be sure I had completely erased the past—the more complicated it would be to think of them so far away. That was the ironic effect of this reunion. Judith forced me out of my shell.
“Should we head to the pub later?”
“If you like.”
“Out of the question to miss an opportunity to live it up with you! On the other hand, try not to end up the way you did last time!”
“If you could manage not to remind me of that scene, I’d be grateful.”
But given the malicious smile on her face, I understood she wasn’t going to stop there. She elbowed Edward.
“Hey, bro, you remember when we had to go and get her?”
He murmured something quietly. Both he and I remembered it perfectly.
“Tell us what happened, children,” Abby cut in, all excited.
“Diane could barely stand up. Edward gave it to some guy who was all over her. He had to carry her out over his shoulder. You would have died laughing; she was waving her arms and legs all over the place trying to fight him but Edward didn’t budge; he was unstoppable.”
Abby and Jack looked at us, one after the other, then burst out laughing. We also looked at each other, embarrassed at first, but finally joining in with the general laughter.
“What does that mean, to give him one?” Declan asked.
“It means to fight,” Judith replied.
“Wow, daddy, you got into a fight?”
“As if it had been the only time…” Jack chipped in. “Your father was already getting into fights when he was your age, sonny!”
“Why are you telling him that?” Edward replied.
“Will you teach me, daddy?”
Father and son looked at each other. For the first time, Edward gave an affectionate look to Declan before turning to his sister.
“Go now, if you like, I’ll clean up here.”
He stood up, stroked his son’s hair and asked him to help clear the table. It was more than I could bear; I stared at them until they disappeared into the kitchen. Judith cleared her throat.
“Ready to rave it up?”
“More than ready!”
We each kissed Abby and Jack, who thanked us for such a wonderful evening. Edward and Declan came out of the kitchen and Judith went over to kiss them. All I did was give them a wave.
“Be sensible,” Edward told us.
“You won’t have to get into a fight tonight,” I replied in a flash.
And immediately regretted what I’d said.
We got to the pub laughing and fooling around. Once inside, I couldn’t help thinking out loud.
“It feels so good to be here!”
“I knew you’d come back,” Judith said, teasing me.
The barman gave us a big wave from behind the counter. We walked over to him, even though there was nowhere to sit. In a flash, he got us seated: he used his authority to move two customers so we could have their barstools. Without even asking us, he brought us each a pint of Guinness. Saturday night in the pub with live music. The band kept playing and everyone enjoyed it. We joined the other customers who were singing as loud as they could. I was back in the atmosphere I had loved so much… and which I hadn’t appreciated enough the year before.
“I’ve got an extremely important question to ask you,” Judith suddenly said.
“I’m listening.”
“Is Felix still gay?”
I burst out laughing.
“More than ever,” I finally managed to say.
“Shit! Because he’s the man of my dreams, you do realize that, don’t you?”
She took me by the arm and led me back to our seats at the bar where she ordered our third or fourth pint, I was beginning to lose track! In the fifteen minutes that followed, I was treated to the latest adventures of Judith-who-falls-in-love-every-other-day. My phone rang, interrupting our conversation. It was Olivier.
“Two seconds,” I said, then turning to Judith, “Sorry…”
She gave me a mocking smile and nodded toward the place outside where all the smokers were gathered. I grabbed my cigarettes and walked through the pub, followed closely by Judith, who started talking to the other smokers.
“Ok! I’m here.”
“Where are you? It’s so noisy!”
“At the pub with Judith. There’s live music every Saturday night.”
“You found your friend?”
“Yes, and we had a fantastic day. Abby was so happy, it was wonderful!”
I felt a pang of guilt run through me; I’d forgotten to call him today because I was so happy to be with Judith again.
“I do… but what about you, how are you?”
“Everything’s fine here, all OK. I’m at home now, hanging around all by myself. I won’t bother you any more…”
“You’re not bothering me, idiot!”
“Have a great time. I just wanted to know that you were all right. And now I know! Lots of love.”
“To you too. Until tomorrow; I’ll call you tomorrow, promise.”
Judith must have been keeping an eye on me because as soon as I’d put my phone back in my pocket, she was right next to me.
“So, how’s your man?”
“He’s fine. Should we go back inside?”
We went back to our seats at the bar; it was as if we were the guests of honor. Judith wasn’t going to drop the subject.
“Is it serious between you?”
“I don’t know, I think so… yes… in fact, it is…”
“But what about my brother?”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t love him any more? And don’t try to tell me you didn’t love him before because I won’t believe you.”
“Oh, Judith, please…”
“We really do need to have this conversation!”
I sighed.
“I wasn’t ready for a relationship with him; I would have hurt him even more some day if I’d stayed.”
“Now more than a year has gone by. I started my life in Paris over again, I’m at home there, and I met someone I feel good with.”
“I understand. I’m happy for you.”
She finished her pint in one long gulp and ordered another round, but not without shooting me a sideways look.
“What do you want to say?”
“Well, it still must be really weird to see him again!”
“I can’t deny that… But Judith, stop right now, don’t make it into a big thing…”
“OK, OK! But you won’t convince me that you’re not dying of curiosity and want to know more…”
“You’re right… I’m worried about him…”
“You’re not the only one!”
“I know…”
“He deserves more than to be stuck with his son! How can he possibly get on with his life now?”
“Is Declan being here a problem for you?”
“Of course not. How could you not love that kid? I’m simply fed up seeing my bro getting tied up with one hassle after another. He’s jinxed! This isn’t a reproach, Diane, but he really was a fucking mess after you left…”
I hung my head in shame. I had a flashback to the moment I told him I was leaving. I’d caused him so much suffering.
“He threw himself into his work, body and soul; he was always off somewhere, he left Mulranny and everything that could remind him of you. It was painful, but the right thing to do in the end; he was really cracking up. And then, bang, he runs into Declan’s mother! His first reaction was to see himself as the bad guy in the whole business… you know how principled he is! Fortunately, she was a good woman, serious and understanding. She never wanted Edward to know about it, she took away his sense of guilt and also brought him out of his shell, to be sure she could really entrust their son to him.”
“I can understand her doing that; she didn’t really know him, after all!”
I took a big gulp of beer and sighed.
“But how is he, really? How does he feel about the situation he’s in?”
“Diane, are you living in la-la land or something? Do you think he pours out his heart about his state of mind?”
I couldn’t control myself and burst out laughing.
“You see, you are curious!” she continued, laughing as well.
“You’re right! Happy now?”
“Absolutely! Listen though, what I can tell you is that he went slightly off the rails when he got the results of the paternity test. It had been years since I’d seen him in such a state!”
“Meaning?”
“He got well and truly plastered and locked himself in his house. It’s a miracle he didn’t drop down dead. I had to climb through the window to get inside. And then, I had to listen to him rambling on for hours… he ranted about everything: our father, that bitch Megan, Abby being sick, and you, you, you! Even though you’d left six months before and no one was allowed to mention your name without starting a nuclear war. He talked about your phone calls and messages…”
I was startled; it all happened around the time I’d called…
“He’s more alive because of his son; he’s going to dedicate his life to him… he loves him madly, but what always makes him feel sick is the fact that he gave a child to a woman he didn’t love.”
“I’d so like to do something to help him…”
“Don’t pity him.”
“That has nothing to do with it…”
She smiled wryly.
“I know that very well; I was teasing you… No matter what you say, there will always be something between you two; that’s just the way it is. You’ve both made your choices, you and him. You have someone. And he has his son, and that’s enough for him. But I think it would do you both a lot of good to talk about it… Come on, now; let’s have another round of drinks!”
Another pint. Judith had matured; she was much more responsible and clear-headed than before. Which didn’t prevent her from getting me to dance to the devilish rhythms of traditional Irish music.
The pub was getting ready to close. Fortunately, we were just a five-minute walk from Jack and Abby’s. Both as tipsy as the other, we walked back, arm in arm. I sobered up in less than two seconds when I saw Edward’s car still parked in front of the house.
“Why’s he still hanging around here?” Judith shouted while burping, showing off her legendary touch of class.
We tiptoed in and headed for the living room. A small lamp was lit on a side table. I finally made out that Edward was sitting on the couch, his feet on the coffee table, holding a drink in one hand, the other on his son’s back, who was sleeping with his head on his father’s lap.
“Why are you still here?” Judith asked.
He didn’t bother to turn around and look at us to answer.
“Declan had a fit of anxiety when he realized he wouldn’t be seeing you two again. The only way to calm him down was to promise him we’d wait for you. He ended up falling asleep.”
“You should have called us,” I said, walking over to him.
“Thank you, Diane, but I didn’t want to screw up your evening.”
Judith knelt down next to them and saw the small amount of whiskey left in the bottle. She winked at her brother who smiled sadly.
“Leave him with us tonight; he can sleep with me. Go and sleep in your own bed for once. We’ll bring him back around noon tomorrow.”
“Well, this may surprise you, but I won’t say no.”
Judith stood up; Edward took his son in his arms and also got up. Declan clung onto his neck.
“Daddy?”
“Judith and Diane are here; you’re going to sleep in Judith’s bed with her tonight.”
I watched the three of them go upstairs. Their life was so different from mine. To keep busy, I picked up the glass and bottle and put them in the kitchen. I leaned against the sink and drank a glass of water. I jumped when I heard Edward’s voice.
I turned around; he threw me his pack of cigarettes from across the room; he already had one lit. I understood the message and followed him. After we were outside and I’d taken one, I gave him back his cigarettes. He stared into my eyes and got out his lighter; I leaned down toward the flame, hoping I wouldn’t get burned, in both senses of the word. Then he took a few steps into the garden before coming back to me again. He rummaged around in his pocket and took out his car keys. He handed them to me and I instinctively took them.
“Could you drive my son back with my car tomorrow?”
“You’re not really going to walk home? It will take you at least half an hour.”
“I drank too much, I can’t drive… it will do me good to get some fresh air.”
Our eyes met for a long time. There was so much sadness in his expression, but a touch of anger as well. Nothing would ever appease him.
“Goodnight, Diane.”
“Be careful on your way home.”
I watched him until he disappeared into the night. I put out my cigarette stub in the ashtray, went back inside, and locked the door. I went upstairs, feeling emotional, ill at ease. Judith’s door opened a little.
“Is he still sleeping?” I asked in a whisper.
“Like a rock. Besides asking you to bring back his car, what did he say?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s just as I said; you two really should talk…”
“Goodnight, Judith.”
I slipped under the duvet, knowing that sleep would not come quickly. The image of Edward walking away, alone in the darkness, turned around and around in my mind, as well as the way he’d looked at me. Judith was right. There would always be a link between us, a tie we had to unravel as soon as possible so we could both move on.
You might think that the sole purpose of this trip to Ireland was to teach me what a family really is. When I went downstairs for breakfast, I found Abby, in her bathrobe, busy preparing an “Irish breakfast” for us; you could smell the bacon, eggs, and toast. Jack, Judith, and Declan were at the table; I was the only one missing. And yet, something was wrong; you could feel it.
“Wait, let me help you,” I suggested to Abby.
“No, my darling, I’m not an invalid!”
“Don’t insist; she’s already told me to get lost,” Judith said.
“Diane,” Declan said to me, sobbing.
I looked at him more closely; the terribly sad expression on his face broke my heart. He stood up and came over to me. I instinctively knelt down to his level.
“What’s wrong?”
“When is daddy coming back? Why isn’t he here?”
“Judith explained everything to you, didn’t she?”
“He doesn’t believe us,” she clarified.
“Declan, your daddy is at home, asleep, he was tired.”
“Really?”
“Promise.”
He threw himself against me and hung onto my neck. I held my breath. This child was pushing me beyond my limits. Except that I was an adult. I normally had the ability to control my pain, unlike him. In any case, it seemed I was rediscovering my strength and was able to help him.
“Look at me, Declan.”
He pulled very slightly away. I had the impression I was looking at his father. I forced that image out of my mind and concentrated on the child he was. I dried his cheeks with my hands.
“He hasn’t gone away. We’re going to see him after breakfast, all right?”
He nodded.
“Come and sit down.”
He instinctively sat down next to me. The food was on our plates and cups filled. Declan was still huddled up.
“Everything is fine, I told you. Trust me. So eat.”
Throughout our little talk, I hadn’t paid attention to what was happening. Everyone was staring at us. Abby smiled at me sweetly. I chose not to react and dug into my scrambled eggs.
An hour later, Judith let me drive the Jeep. As I parked in front of Edward’s cottage, I spotted him and his dog on the beach; he was smoking a cigarette. Declan was overexcited in the back of the car so Judith opened his door as fast as she could. He jumped out in a flash and ran toward his father, who turned around when he heard him call to him. Declan leapt into his arms, Edward lifted him up and gave him a big hug. Then he put him down, knelt down, ruffled his hair, and started talking to him. Declan was waving his arms about to explain something to him while Postman Pat was yapping and rushing all around them. Edward calmed the dog down and smiled at his son, a real smile, the kind of smile he was capable of when he was happy and relieved.
Watching them really shook me up; they were both so handsome and touching. Edward had truly become a father, there was no longer any doubt. He was awkward, subdued, but passionately attached to his child. At that moment, I felt that nothing was more important to him than having found his little boy. As I well understood… He must have been really exhausted to leave him with us the night before. Being apart seemed difficult for both of them. Judith joined them but I stayed back until my tears stopped flowing. Brother and sister hugged each other. I walked slowly toward them. Judith ran off down the beach, quickly followed by Declan and Postman Pat. You might wonder which one was the child, the aunt or her nephew. I walked over to Edward and handed him his car keys. One night would not be enough to get him back in shape.
“I didn’t crash it.”
“I trust you. Shall we go for a little walk?”
“Yes.”
We covered more than 100 meters without saying a word, our hands in our pockets; I could hear Declan’s cries of joy and the dog’s barking in the distance.
“Come this way, we’ll sit here; it’s the perfect place to watch Judith fooling around.”
We sat down beside each other on a rock that overlooked the beach.
“How can I know when he’s all right?”
I looked at him; he was staring at his son.
“When you take him in your arms the way you did this morning, he’s fine; he knows he has a father. When he can’t go to sleep because he wants his mother, he’s in pain.”
“I’m really sorry you had to go through that.”
“Stop; it doesn’t matter.”
“What did you say to him? It was the only night he didn’t have any nightmares since he’s been with me.”
“Not much; I just talked to him about Clara. That’s all.”
My voice quivered a little; I lit a cigarette, trembling slightly. Edward gave me a few minutes to compose myself before continuing.
“Ever since we’ve known each other, you’re the only person who never tried to spare my feelings, so I’m counting on you. Tell me what I’m doing wrong with him? I want him to be happy, to forget; I don’t want him to end up like me.”
My hand took his and squeezed it tightly, as if it had a mind of its own.
“He’ll never forget, you always have to remember that. A mother, like a child, is never forgotten. You’re not doing anything wrong with him. You’re learning, that’s all. I have no advice to give you. All parents make mistakes. Give yourself time to come to terms with it. The only thing I know is that Declan looks up to you as if you were some god, and that the idea of losing you terrifies him. I know you… you don’t say much, but reassure him as much as you can. Spend time with him… teach him photography, it’s magical to him when he sees you holding your camera, at least, that’s how it looked yesterday… And… if he ends up like you, he’ll be very lucky.”
I squeezed his hand one last time and let go. I stood up, climbed down from the rock and walked toward the waves. I looked at Declan and Judith in the distance, conscious of the presence of Edward behind me. I breathed in deeply. The wind whipped my face. One thing was sure: I wouldn’t end this trip unscathed.
“When are you leaving?” he asked. I hadn’t heard him come and stand behind me.
“The day after tomorrow.”
“We’ll come and say goodbye after school.”
“If you like.”
He walked away; I watched him take his son and his dog home. They climbed into the car and sped off in a cloud of dust. Judith came over to me, put her arm around my neck and leaned her head against mine.
“Are you OK?”
“Let’s say I am.”
The rest of the day sped by. Judith and I knew we had little time together. She used the best defense anyone could against sadness: laughter. While we were having lunch at Abby and Jack’s, she made sure the fun continued by telling silly jokes. I walked her to her car when it was time for her to set off for Dublin.
“Shall we avoid having a year go by with no contact with each other?”
“I’d really love to come to see you in Paris, but with Abby, I’d be afraid of breaking my promise. So…”
“I’ll call you,” I replied. “Keep me posted about her health.”
“That I can do.”
Judith’s armor cracked; she raised her eyes to the heavens, failing to hide her tears. I took her in my arms.
“Everything will be all right; you’ll manage,” I whispered in her ear.
“You’re really a dumbass! You manage to make me cry… You know, it doesn’t matter at all who you spend your life with… you’re still my…”
“I know… and I feel exactly the same way…”
She pulled free, brushed the tears from her cheeks and gave me the thumbs up.
“Come on, Judith, that’s enough, you’re not a little girl!” she scolded herself. “When you have to leave, you have to leave!”
“Be careful driving.”
She gave me a military salute, got into her car, and drove off.
I spent the entire day with Abby. She asked me if I would do her nails and hair; she still wanted to look attractive and didn’t dare ask Judith out of modesty. She’d noticed that I was taking good care of myself again and decided I was the perfect one for the job. Our intimacy as women brought us even closer together. We were in Abby and Jack’s bedroom. Photos of Edward and Judith decorated the tops of the dressers. Seeing them in school uniforms made me smile.
“Are you happy you came to see us?” Abby asked while I was polishing her nails, both of us sitting on her bed.
“Of course I am! No need to worry.”
“They’re going to stop in to say goodbye after school, at least, that’s what he said yesterday…”
“And that’s it?”
“Umm, yes…”
We were interrupted by Jack calling me from downstairs. Declan and his father had just arrived, in fact. It was time to say our goodbyes. Abby went down with me, holding onto my arm; I could feel her perceptive eyes watching me. Once down the stairs, she let go of me to sit in her armchair, exchanging a glance with Jack that did not bode well.
“Hi,” was all I said to Declan and Edward.
I couldn’t look at his father so decided to make eye contact with his son, who came up to me to give me a kiss.
“Did you have a good day at school?”
“Yes!”
“Come here, my boy, I have something to show you,” Jack shouted.
Declan ran off. I had no choice but to turn toward Edward.
“Have a good trip back to Paris,” was all he said.
“Thanks.”
“It’s a shame the two of you didn’t see more of each other,” Abby said subtly.
“That’s very true!” Jack added. “Wouldn’t you young things like to go to the pub tonight? We can take care of Declan.”
We stared at each other.
“Would you like that?” Edward asked.
“Uh… yes, I would.”
We hadn’t noticed that Declan had come over to us again.
“Are you leaving, daddy?”
Edward’s shoulders drooped; he stroked his son’s hair and smiled at him.
“No… don’t worry, we’ll go home… Diane, I’m really sorry… We’ll do it another time…”
We both knew that wasn’t true.
“It’s normal; I understand.”
“Well, maybe… Would you like to come and have dinner with us at home?”
“Oh…”
I automatically turned to Abby and Jack, as if I needed their permission. They looked at me with all their usual sweet kindness.
“Don’t you worry about us.”
“You’ll come and eat at the house?” Declan insisted, “Say yes!”
I noticed the affectionate way Edward looked at his son. And that made me give in.
“OK, I’ll come.”
“See you soon,” said Edward. “Ready to go, Declan?”
They kissed Abby and Jack and set off. I stood very still in the middle of the living room for several minutes.
“Come here, my darling,” Abby called, which fortunately pulled me out of my trance.
I flopped down on the couch; she got up and came over to sit next to me, taking my hand in hers.
“What are you two trying to make me do? You’re real schemers!”
Jack burst out laughing.
“She’s the main culprit,” he said, pointing to his wife.
“You’re just as bad!” she immediately replied, smiling.
“What good will it do?”
“It will settle things,” said Abby.
“Perhaps, but this is our last night together.”
She patted my hand.
“Diane. Even if you’d spent the evening with us, you would have just thought about them all night, and you know that’s true, deep down. And we’ve had a lot of time with you… Don’t worry… And besides, when you’re with them, it’s almost as if you’re with us, and you’re good for them, as well…”
I leaned my head on her shoulder and enjoyed her maternal warmth.
“I’m going to miss you… so very, very much…” I whispered.
Jack, who was standing behind the couch, put his hand on my head in a very fatherly way.
“We’ll miss you too, my little French darling, but you’ll come back…”
“Yes…”
I leaned in more closely to Abby.
An hour later, I left them, promising to have a good evening without worrying about them. When I was almost at the cottage, I decided to take one last walk along the beach before joining Edward and his son. I wanted to feel the sea, this landscape, this wind rush through me one more time. Getting some fresh air would do me the world of good. I didn’t know what to think of the evening that lay ahead. There was something troubling about having dinner with Declan and Edward; I was intruding in their closeness, and I was afraid that seeing their day-to-day life together might blow up in my face. I had no choice but to admit that Abby, Judith, and Jack were right—even if they didn’t come out and say it: we needed to sort out our problems once and for all to truly move on. We had to end a relationship that had never had the chance to begin, and never would.
While I was going up to their cottage, I received a text from Olivier: “Enjoy your last night in Ireland. See you tomorrow. Lots of love.”
“Thanks… Can’t wait to see you. Love,” I replied, before knocking on the door.
Declan opened the door, all smiles, wearing his pajamas. He took my hand and led me into the living room; it was hard to make headway as Postman Pat was jumping all over me. The TV was on, the cartoon channel; Edward was behind the counter in the kitchen, making dinner. He glanced over at me; impossible to judge his state of mind.
“Did you say goodbye to the beach?”
“Yes…”
“Diane, are you coming?”
Declan kept pulling my arm.
“Yes, just give me two minutes.”
He shrugged his shoulders and jumped onto the couch with his dog. I sat down at the counter, opposite Edward.
“You didn’t have to invite me tonight.”
“Did you ever see me do anything I didn’t want to?” he retorted, without looking at me.
“Can I help with anything?”
He stared into my eyes.
“Read a story to Declan while I finish making dinner?”
“It would be better to swap jobs; that would be better for both of you.”
“You’re not going to do the cooking. Really!”
“None of that… politeness doesn’t suit us.”
I went behind the counter, took the wooden spoon from him, and pushed him into the living room. He shook his head before picking up a book from his son’s schoolbag. Declan tried to squirm out of it but his father’s expression convinced him not to insist. Lulled by the mixture of his little voice and his father’s hoarse one, I finished the cooking and set the table. Edward took his time to make sure that Declan understood everything; his patience took my breath away. When the meal was ready, I walked past without interrupting them and went outside for a smoke. Two minutes later, the bay window opened and Edward joined me, smoking a cigarette.
“I had to promise him he could sit next to you at the table; I hope you won’t be angry with me.”
“No problem.”
The conversation stopped there. All we could hear was the sound of cigarettes being smoked through the wind and the waves. It was still too early to open the floodgates. In any case, Declan wouldn’t leave us any time to relax. He came out to find us, his stomach growling.
Once we started to eat, he made sure there was conversation; he talked nonstop about what happened with his friends at school before asking me a direct question.
“You’re leaving tomorrow? Is that really true?”
“Yes, I’m taking a plane.”
“Why? It isn’t fair…”
“I was here on vacation; I live in Paris. I work there. Remember?”
“Yes… Daddy, could we go and visit Diane sometime?”
“We’ll see.”
“But we could go when I’m off school!”
Edward’s face clouded over.
“Declan,” I said, “You have all the time in the world to come and see me. OK?”
He grumbled, finished his yoghurt and went to throw the empty pot in the garbage, without saying a word. Then he sat down on the couch, sulking. Edward watched him, tense and worried. He got up from the table and sat down opposite his son. He stroked his hair.
“You remember that Abby’s sick, don’t you, and that we have to take care of her and help Jack. That’s why I can’t take you to Paris to see Diane.”
“But you went…”
“That’s true, but I shouldn’t have…”
Declan lowered his head; Edward took a deep breath.
“Now it’s time to go to bed.”
“No, daddy! I don’t want to!”
Anguish ran through him and showed on his unhappy face.
“You have no choice. You have school tomorrow.”
“Please, daddy! I want to stay with you and Diane.”
“No. Go and say goodbye to Diane.”
He leapt off the couch and crushed himself against me, holding onto my waist and crying. I took a deep breath. Edward stared at me, distraught, before putting his head in his hands.
“Diane, I don’t want to go to bed, I don’t want to, don’t want to…”
“Listen, daddy is right. You have to go to bed.”
“No,” he sobbed.
I looked at Edward; there was nothing he could do; he had no strength left. They needed some help, and I was there…
“Do you want me to come with you, like the other night?”
He held me even tighter: his answer was clear.
“Come on.”
He headed toward the stairs without looking at his father.
“Aren’t you forgetting something!” I reminded him.
He turned around and ran into Edward’s arms. I left them alone and went up to his room. I could hear his little footsteps on the stairs, then listened to him brush his teeth. While he was doing that, I turned on the beside lamp, straightened out his bed, which hadn’t been made, and got his mother’s scarf that was hidden under the mattress. He came into his room and slipped under the covers. I knelt down beside his bed and stroked his forehead and face.
“Declan, daddy is doing everything he can for you… he knows how much you’re hurting… you have to help him; what I’m asking of you is complicated… but you have to let him sleep in his own bed. You’re a brave little boy… your daddy won’t ever leave you… When you’re asleep, he’s always home… Can you promise me you’ll try?”
He nodded.
“Do you want me to sing you the lullaby?”
“When will you come back?”
I tilted my head to one side and smiled.
“I don’t know… I can’t promise anything.”
“Will we see each other again?”
“Someday… Now go to sleep.”
I sang the lullaby several times while continuing to stroke his hair. His little eyes fought for a while before closing. He was also exhausted. When I felt he was calm, I kissed his forehead and stood up. Before closing the door, I looked at him one last time and sighed.
In the living room, everything had been cleared away, the bay window was open, and there was a fire in the fireplace. Edward was standing near the window sill, smoking a cigarette and looking extremely nervous.
“He’s asleep,” I whispered. “I tried to make him understand that you also had to sleep in your own bed.”
He closed his eyes.
“I could never thank you enough.”
“It’s not necessary… but if you have any Guinness in the fridge, I wouldn’t say no. I’d gladly have a last one before going back to Paris.”
“I’m sure it wouldn’t taste the same as it does here.”
A few minutes later, he was handing me a pint. We didn’t clink glasses. Standing near the fireplace, I lit a cigarette. I made sure not to look at him even though I could feel him staring at me. I noticed an album on one of the bookshelves. Curiosity got the better of me.
“Is this your portfolio?”
“That’s right.”
“May I?”
“If you’d like.”
I threw my cigarette into the fire, put my glass down on the coffee table, picked up the thing I wanted to see, and settled down in an armchair opposite him.
I started leafing through the album with the greatest care. The first photographs left me stunned.
“Are these the Aran Islands at the front?”
“You have a good memory.”
My stomach knotted when I recognized myself in one of the shots.
“How could I forget?” I said very softly.
I continued looking through the album. His mood was palpable in every frame. I had the impression that he was telling a story with his portfolio, a romance told in pictures in the literal meaning of the term. The beginning was full of light and air, you could breathe in the landscapes he showed us. But then, the atmosphere became more oppressive: the sky was always dark, blotted out by threatening clouds; the sea was raging, the boats swaying in a storm. And then, gradually, it was as if you could breathe again, a ray of sun reflected off the sea before lighting up the sky. The last photo was a shadow of a child running along the beach, the waves licking the feet of the subject, or Declan, I should say. Edward’s portfolio told his story, what he’d been through the past few months, as if he’d tried to exorcise his ordeal, to turn the page through his photos. Completely absorbed in my “reading,” I hadn’t noticed he’d stood up and was standing by the fireplace with his back to me. I put the portfolio back on the shelf and drank my Guinness to regain control of my emotions. It took all my courage to walk over to him.
“Edward… I’m sorry to have gone like that, so suddenly. It was wrong to do that to you. I’m sorry…”
He turned around and looked deep into my eyes.
“You shouldn’t regret anything,” he said harshly. “It’s good that you met my son; you know my priorities now. You’ve built a new life for yourself with Olivier, and I’m happy for you.”
His voice faltered slightly; I could feel a lump in my throat. He looked at me even more intensely.
“You made the right decision at the time,” he continued, his voice softer. “Declan is here… we didn’t have a future together.”
He was right about everything: we would have ended up breaking up. Several seconds passed while we stood dead still. I breathed in deeply.
“It’s late; I’m going to go now; it’s for the best.”
“We’ve said everything we had to.”
He followed me to the entrance hall.
“I’ll walk you to your car.”
“If you’d like.”
We were hit by a gust of wind; it was pitch black out. I opened the car door and threw my bag onto the passenger seat.
“Judith and I will keep you informed about Abby.”
“Thank you… take care of yourself, Edward.”
“I’ll try…”
I got into the car without saying any more. We looked at each other one last time: it was over. He lit a cigarette and waited until I’d driven off before going back inside.
Abby and Jack were asleep when I got back. I went up to my room, quietly packed my suitcase and went to bed, knowing very well that sleep would not come easily. Relief and sadness alternated, battling for prime place in my emotions. The situation between Edward and me was now clear: I’d cut my ties to him. The joy of going back to Olivier made up for my feeling of incompleteness. My relationship with Edward didn’t exist any more. I finally fell asleep.
Waking up was difficult; depression hit me as soon as I opened my eyes. After showering and getting dressed, I stripped the sheets from the bed and put them in the washing machine. Once my room was clean, I went downstairs, carrying my large suitcase. Abby greeted me with a big smile and an enormous breakfast. I was going to make an effort for her; if worst came to worst, I’d throw up on the road. I kissed her on both cheeks.
“Did you have a good evening?” I asked her.
“Of course. And what about you, with Edward and Declan?”
“It was very nice.”
“You don’t want to talk about it?”
“There’s not much to say…”
“She understands,” Jack broke in, “Don’t you Abby?”
“Come along then; you need your strength for the journey,” she said, taking me by the arm.
Even though we tried to be cheerful during our last meal together, we failed.
“Do you need anything for the trip? Something to eat or drink?”
“Thanks, Abby, but no… I’ll get going… the longer we put it off, the worse it will be…”
Jack was the first to stand up. He took my bags and went outside. Abby and I looked at each other.
“Will you help me, my darling?”
I hurried to the other side of the table to take her arm. She stroked my hand as we walked. I held back my tears. The car arrived too quickly. Jack came over to me and opened his arms.
“My little Frenchwoman,” he sighed, hugging me tight. “Take good care of yourself.”
“I promise,” I replied, sniffling.
“The car’s waiting for you.”
He let go of me, pulled an enormous handkerchief out of his pocket, and wiped his eyes and nose. I turned toward Abby, who stroked my cheek.
“We’ve said everything we had to, my little one.”
I nodded, incapable of uttering a sound.
“Promise me one last thing: don’t be sad when I’m gone, don’t cry. Make sure our reunion was a good one; we had time together to prepare ourselves.”
I looked up to the heavens before drying my eyes and taking a deep breath.
“Don’t make me lie when I tell your Colin and Clara that you’re fine, and happy, and that they can be proud of you. All right?”
As a promise and to say goodbye, I hugged her tightly in my arms and whispered in her ear that I loved her like a mother. She stroked my cheek, tears in her eyes, before letting go of me. I climbed into the car without looking at them and drove off without looking back. I drove about 12 kilometers before stopping on the shoulder of the road to cry my heart out.
It’s a miracle that I managed to make it to Dublin airport without causing an accident. I couldn’t stop crying for the entire four hours it took to get there; I was still crying when I returned the rental car, while checking in my bags, going through security, and sending a text to Olivier once I was on the plane. When it took off, I felt like I was being ripped apart, that I was being torn from my home. But I gritted my teeth and tried to calm myself down. The man waiting for me in Paris didn’t deserve to see me in this state. In order to compose myself and look as calm as possible, or rather, make my face look less swollen, I got off after most of the other passengers and stopped in the restroom to splash cold water on my face and touch up my makeup before getting my suitcase from the conveyor belt. The doors from Customs opened; he was there, smiling, calmly waiting to meet me. I ran and threw myself into his arms, not because I thought I should or to pretend to be happy, but because I really wanted him to hold me. The pain of having left Mulranny was still with me, it would always be with me, I knew that, but I could breathe a bit easier with Olivier by my side.