10. Universal Truth No. 8: All Children Need Caregivers Who Honor Personal Boundaries
Remember that time you told your sister to stop tickling you? Or the time you declined to go on that blind date? Or the time you walked away when a colleague told an off-color joke? Now, remember the time you let your boss hug you a bit too long? Or the time you agreed to loan your cousin money you didn’t want to loan? Or the time you gritted your teeth as your designated driver consumed a few drinks at the bar?
We’ve all been in situations in which we set personal boundaries for ourselves and honored them. We’ve all also been in situations in which we’ve failed to honor them.
Like so many things, boundary-setting and boundary-honoring is taught and learned in childhood. When parents fail to set clear boundaries with their children and when they fail to honor their children’s boundaries—they are more likely to raise kids who ignore the boundaries of others and who fail to honor their own.
As you no doubt recognize, this is no small matter. Boundary-breaking contributes to some of the most widespread social problems of our time: domestic violence, sexual abuse, workplace harassment, inequality, and so many others. If there was any doubt that we’ve got to get better at this, the #MeToo-inspired global movement against sexual assault and harassment in the workplace has put an end to that.
In this chapter, we’ll talk about how boundaries are really learned, how parents really teach them, and why heart-centered parenting is the style most conducive to curbing oppressive behavior—from playground bullying to date rape.
Let’s Talk about Boundaries
When you tell your five-year-old you are unwilling to make two dinners, that’s a boundary. When you tell your eight-year-old you are unwilling to let her play with your fine china, that’s a boundary. When you tell your eleven-year-old you are unwilling to have a third pet in the house, that’s a boundary.
When we, as parents, set boundaries with our children, we are not necessarily prescribing for our children what is best for them—which we do when we set limits. We are simply telling them what we personally are willing to do, experience, or go along with.
Boundaries: Personal guideposts that individuals set for themselves around what they are willing to do or experience in any given situation. Boundaries vary from person to person.
Boundaries may be set far in advance (e.g., “I will not allow anyone to touch me without my permission”) or in just a few moments (e.g., “I’ve given it some thought, and I’m unwilling to drive three hours for a birthday party.”)
Boundaries often, but not always, are related to our bodies, feelings, and property. Here are some examples.
Property Boundaries
• “I am willing to let my cousin stay in our extra bedroom for no longer than two weeks.”
• “I am only willing to buy my friends dinner—but not cocktails.”
• “I am only willing to share my silver earrings with my child—not my gold ones.”
• “I am unwilling to let my seven-year-old play in my vintage car.”
Physical/Emotional Boundaries
• “I am only willing to spend time with people I enjoy.”
• “I am unwilling to be touched without my consent.”
• “I will go to yoga three times a week.”
• “I am only willing to swim in the pool when it is warm outside.”
Miscellaneous Boundaries
• “I am unwilling to tolerate racism or sexism in my workplace.”
• “I am unwilling to make two dinners in one night.”
• “I am only willing to reply to emails and texts before 7 p.m.”
• “I am only willing to help my nine-year-old with homework between the hours of 4 p.m. and 6 p.m.”
ParentShift Assignment: Name Your Boundaries
Take a couple of minutes to think about some of the personal boundaries you are exercising in your life right now and jot them down. You might start by saying, “I am only willing to ______________.” Or “I am unwilling to ______________.”
My property boundaries include:
My physical/emotional boundaries include:
My miscellaneous boundaries include:
Becoming a Good Boundary-Setter: Getting Over the Guilt
A dear friend asks you to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. You have been a bridesmaid a bunch of times and told yourself you would never do it again.
Your dad asks you to buy a season pass to the local football stadium so the two of you can attend all the games together. You loathe football.
Your daughter begs you to take over her paper route for the next three months because she is particularly busy with her studies but doesn’t want to lose the job. You already have a job of your own and don’t relish the thought of waking at 4 a.m. to do someone else’s job.
So, what do you do?
In all three cases, declining the invitations or requests may disappoint, inconvenience, or even hurt the feelings of people you love. But, in all three cases, your personal boundaries are at risk.
Let’s say you accept the invitations. “Just one more wedding,” you say to yourself.
“I’ll suck it up and do it for my dad.”
“It’s only three months of early mornings.”
But as the wedding duties stack up, the football season drags on, and the sleep deprivation sinks in, each agreement becomes torture. You vent your frustrations to anyone who will listen, growing increasingly embittered with the people who asked you to do things you didn’t want to do. Sure, you chose to be “nice” in the moment. Sure, you avoided hurt feelings. But you also disrespected your boundaries and tolerated your own discomfort to satisfy the needs of others. Worse, you role-modeled for your children that you are a person who does things you don’t want to do.
Yikes, right?
Yet who among us hasn’t participated in something we didn’t want to participate in just to make someone else happy or to avoid discomfort? We all have! Because, to one degree or another, that behavior was role-modeled for us.
But this need not be the case.
We can break the habit of automatically saying yes when we are asked to do someone a favor. We can take a few moments to connect with our own desires from moment to moment. We can assert ourselves without hurting the people we love or admire.
To be clear, we’re not advocating selfishness. Putting our own desires and needs second to the desires and needs of others is honorable and necessary in a civilized society based on caring and compassion. It’s when we choose to violate our boundaries to satisfy the desires and needs of others that we get into trouble.
Here’s an example: When police officers put their lives on the line to save innocent crime victims, they are putting the victims’ desire to live above their own. But they are not violating their boundaries. In fact, as police officers who are sworn to serve and protect, they are living in direct accordance with their boundaries while also defending the boundaries of others.
When a mom leaves the house in her pajamas and spends thirty minutes in morning rush-hour traffic to deliver an important homework assignment to her seventeen-year-old and then later voices her exasperation to anyone who will listen, she is choosing to ignore her boundaries and think only about her child’s needs.
When we allow others to break or step over our personal boundaries, we typically get mad at them. But the reality is that we’re mad at ourselves for allowing it. We’ve betrayed ourselves, and we know it. This, incidentally, is what we mean by “playing the victim” or “playing the martyr.” When we allow someone to violate a boundary and then pity ourselves for being put out, we aren’t being kind—we’re being martyrs.
If you had trouble coming up with a list of personal boundaries for the last ParentShift Assignment, it may be an indication that you need to work on your skills in this area. Aim to reclaim what is rightfully yours. Boundaries are important to have and important to role-model. If we want our kids to set them with their peers—not to mention potential romantic partners—we’ve got to start treating ours with the respect they deserve.
Are My Boundaries “Reasonable”?
Now, when dealing with children, we must ensure that the boundaries we set are reasonable under the circumstances. But what is “reasonable”? It’s such a subjective term. What seems reasonable to me may not seem reasonable to you. That’s okay. Our perceptions don’t need to match up perfectly. Still, here are some guidelines for what reasonable boundaries tend to be in parenting:
• Age-appropriate: “I am unwilling to pack your lunch anymore” works fine for an eight-year-old, not a three-year-old.
• Consistent: “I’m unwilling to let you sleep in my bed” is not true if, sometimes, you do let the child sleep in your bed.
• Explainable: “I am unwilling to take you to the shoe store today because I’ve been in the car all day and I’m very tired” is better than, “Because I said so.”
It helps, especially with young children, to state your boundary: “We are going into the grocery store now, and I’m only willing to buy food that’s on our list.” It also helps to be respectful: “I am going to take a bath by myself for twenty minutes. What will you do while I’m in the tub?” Rather than: “If you interrupt me, there’ll be no trip to the toy store.”
ParentShift Assignment: Respecting Your Boundaries
Identify a recent situation in which you failed to recognize or assert your boundaries. What happened? How did it make you feel? What could you do differently next time?
It’s Okay to Make Requests—and It’s Okay to Deny Them
If we deconstruct the process of setting boundaries, it looks something like this:
Good Boundary-Setting
1. Person A makes a request.
2. Person B does not wish to comply with the request.
3. Person B denies the request.
Poor Boundary-Setting
1. Person A makes a request.
2. Person B does not wish to comply with the request.
3. Person B overrides own desires and agrees to the request.
Asserting boundaries is important and admirable, but it is not always pleasant. We’re all in the position of person A from time to time. We make a request of a friend or spouse or child or boss, and that person says no. Even if it’s a little thing, those rejections can be disappointing and deflating.
Children, whose coping skills are particularly underdeveloped, rarely disguise their disappointment. They may see our refusal to comply with their requests as “mean.” They may cry, complain, beg, or yell. This is not ideal, of course, but it’s also not cause for alarm. As we discussed in Chapter 5, everyone has the right to his or her feelings—and the best approach is to acknowledge those feelings as valid.
For example, if we say, “I can’t take you and your friends to the mall today because I have a meeting to attend,” it’s not then our responsibility to make sure our teen and his friends get to the mall. Yes, our kids may be inconvenienced by our boundaries. They even be may infuriated. That’s okay. If it’s a boundary—and it’s reasonable—it’s worth honoring.
This goes for all our fellow adults, too, by the way. The not-very-close friends who try to guilt us into having them over for dinner. The in-laws who says they’ll babysit our children but only if we allow them to indoctrinate them into their religion. Annoying relatives who expect to be able to stay with us every time they come to town on business.
Their disappointment is not our problem.
By the same token, it’s important to note that our children do nothing wrong by stating what they want or how they feel. Our uncles, mothers-in-law, and ex-boyfriends don’t, either. In fact, they do exactly the right thing. And so do we when we ask for what we want in life.
That’s why it’s a great idea to make clear to our kids that “person A” does nothing wrong when he asks for what he wants, and “person B” does nothing wrong when he declines.
Asserting Boundaries with Kindness
It is from this headspace—that both requests and boundaries are normal and good—that we can truly assert our boundaries with kindness. The next time your child asks you to do something that you don’t want to do:
1. Give feeling acknowledgers.
2. Make sure the boundary is reasonable under the circumstances.
3. State the boundary.
4. Ask an empowering question.
Let’s say your seven-year-old launches into a rant: “Dad, I don’t like this dinner!” Immediately, you go into empathy mode. You listen to your child’s complaints and give feeling acknowledgers: “Seems like you are a little annoyed at me for making a dinner you don’t enjoy . . . This meal is too salty for you . . . Ugh! . . . I wish the salt monster would come and steal all that salt away.” You get the idea.
Giving feeling acknowledgers gives you time to identify what you are willing or unwilling to do and to make sure the boundary is reasonable under the circumstances. You’ve just made a meal for your family and don’t want to get up and make a second meal, especially when you’re still trying to eat the first. Plus, your child is old enough to get herself a sandwich if she doesn’t like what you’ve made. Under the circumstances, not serving her something different seems reasonable to you.
When your child has given you three “connected cues,” you state the boundary: “I’m only willing to make one dinner a night.”
And then you can ask an empowering question: “What will you do?”
Oftentimes, these four simple steps are all that are required of a parent who is asserting boundaries. The child can take it from there. Sometimes, though, kids can use a little extra assistance. (As can we all, from time to time.) “I don’t know what to do,” your child might say.
This is a good time for brainstorming.
Brainstorming is a term that refers to groups of people coming together to think of new ideas. In our case, it means teaming up with your child to create possible solutions, as long as the ideas don’t violate your limits or boundaries, and then allowing the child to choose any solution he likes, or several of them. In Jane Nelsen’s book Positive Discipline, brainstorming is brought up repeatedly as both a problem-solver and problem-preventer.
This is a great way to aid our kids without choosing the solutions for them. Brainstorming leaves them firmly in charge of the challenge presented, and you get to be the good guy—offering the child guidance and support should he need it.
Brainstorming: A technique for solving problems or developing new ideas through unrestrained or spontaneous discussion.
It might help to picture a circle within a circle. Boundaries lie in the protected core of our circle. No matter what happens, your boundary remains constant. The outer area, then, is where brainstorming occurs.
It’s entirely up to the child whether he wants help brainstorming or would prefer to handle the challenge himself.
Here’s how to brainstorm:
1. Get a piece of paper or use a whiteboard.
2. List all the ideas, no matter how funny or unreasonable. In fact, funny is good because it adds levity to the process and helps to keep the conversation interesting.
3. Remain open-minded and make no judgments about the initial list. Judgment blocks thinking and cooperation.
4. Begin crossing off ideas from the list that won’t work and/or that violate your boundaries until you are left with a few solutions that will. Prioritize what will be tried first, and choose a “backup idea” if necessary.
Let’s take our salty-dinner scenario. You ask your child if he’d like to brainstorm, and he says yes. The two of you begin throwing out ideas:
•He could choose to skip dinner.
•He could eat only the parts that he likes.
•He could make himself a sandwich in the kitchen.
•He could ask someone else in the family to fix him something.
Remember, your boundaries are personal. You are unwilling to make a second dinner for your child, but maybe your spouse or partner or an older sibling would be willing.
Ultimately, it’s up to the child whether he wants to brainstorm or handle the challenge himself. The only reason to interfere would be if the solution violates a boundary or limit (which we’ll discuss in the next chapter). A solution would not be to fill his belly with candy, for instance, because that would be unhealthy.
Encouraging “No!”: Allowing Kids to Set their Own Boundaries
Now we’re going to put a spin on all this. So far we’ve focused exclusively on your ability and willingness to identify and honor your own boundaries. That’s important in parenting. But it’s only half the battle.
The second half is your ability and willingness to identify and honor your child’s boundaries. This does not mean that we must let our kids call all the shots. Kids still need limits on their behavior, which we’ll be discussing in the next chapter. But there is a difference between a limit and a request. A limit is a behavioral guideline that is not negotiable; a request is an invitation to comply with a desired activity, and it may be denied.
Requests: Invitations to comply with a desired activity. Requests may be granted or denied.
Here are examples of yes-or-no requests you might make of your child:
• “Will you brush the dog?”
• “Will you help me bake cookies?”
• “Would you be willing to bring in the groceries?”
• “Can I brush your hair?”
• “Can I come into your room?”
• “Would you give Aunt Gail a hug goodbye?”
• “Will you try the carrots?”
• “Do you want to go swimming today?”
• “Will you drive your sister to her singing lessons?”
• “Will you please sit down so we can talk?”
When you make a request of your child (“Will you brush the dog?” for example), and she says no, you have two heart-centered options. You can:
1. Continue the conversation and ask an empowering question. “I have a doctor’s appointment today and could use your help,” you might say. “When would you be willing to brush the dog?” or “What would you be willing to do instead?”
2. Make peace with the “no” and allow your child to set her own boundaries. After all, the more skilled our kids are in this area, the more likely they are to set firm boundaries with their friends, colleagues, and love interests later in life—and to expect those boundaries to be honored. When your child says, “No, I’m doing homework,” you can simply say, “Okay.”
Look, we know it’s hard. Sometimes your requests are small and reasonable, and you could just really use a hand. It can be irritating to ask your kid to do something simple (like let you taste her lemonade) only to have her deny your request. Add a sharp tone, and it can feel like he’s being downright rude. But in allowing our kids to say no to our requests, even when it’s unpleasant, we empower them to be choice-makers and encourage them to trust their still-maturing instincts.
Remember, the “no” is rarely a sign of disrespect or defiance. As long as our connection with our kids is decent, that “no” is just the result of a child acting in accordance with a developmental stage, working to get one of her emotional needs met, or enforcing her own personal boundaries.
It’s time to make peace with the “no” for their sake—and for ours.
Eight Simple Ways to Honor Children’s Boundaries
Here are some ways we can better prepare children to trust their bodies and honor their own boundaries:
1. Let them decide how they feel, what to wear, and when to use the bathroom. Children’s bodies are their ultimate boundary. Second-guessing young children when they tell you they don’t feel well or don’t need a sweater or don’t have to use the bathroom, for example, may send the message that other people know their bodies better than they do. This is never the case. Even when kids are prone to potty accidents, our best bet is to ask if they need to go and then trust them when they say no. If you’re worried, pack an extra set of underwear and clothes. Better to put up with a few accidents during the day than to violate this particular boundary over and over again. (Plus, how are kids supposed to truly become potty trained unless they become sensitive to the signs that they need to go?)
2. Avoid micromanaging food. Micromanaging children’s food intake is another bad habit. When we insist our children eat specific amounts of food at specific times rather than teaching them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full, they may learn to override what their bodies are telling them. This is not only a boundary-breaker; it’s a recipe for unhealthy eating. If you’re truly concerned about your child and want him to eat healthier, buy healthier food to keep in the house and restrict trips to fast-food restaurants.
3. Look for signs of consent before touching. Children give off plenty of signs and signals telling us whether they are comfortable being hugged, kissed, picked up, or touched. We are wise to look for these signals and to respect them completely. One child may be fine with a kiss on the top of the head; another may be uncomfortable with it. Sitting on Santa’s lap or hugging Grandma or being tickled is fine for some children—but not for all.
4. Treat emotions as valid. Denying children’s emotions, or trying to redirect them, is another way we teach kids to distrust their instincts. For example, “Stop crying,” “You have no reason to be so angry,” “We don’t act like that in front of people,” and “Cheer up, I want to see a smile.” You get the drift.
5. Give them privacy. Our kids have a right to privacy. By allowing them to get away from us, to be alone, and to have a space that is theirs, we show them respect. By insisting they keep the door to their room open, chastising them in front of their friends, or reading their diaries without their permission, we send mixed messages about how much they ought to value their own privacy or respect the privacy of others.
6. Let them choose their sports, hobbies, and interests. Exposing children to various activities and interests is a great idea, but then allow them to make the final call. If they want to use their body to play soccer, great! If they want to use their fingers to play the piano, awesome! But the minute we push kids to use their bodies in the way we see fit, regardless of their comfort or interest, we disempower them and violate their boundaries.
7. Banish the punishment and rewards. Here we are again talking about punishment and rewards. We are honestly not trying to kick a dead horse here, but it must be said: Emotional and physical punishments are the ultimate boundary-breakers. They tell the child, “It’s okay for someone to overpower you, or even to hurt you, if they feel you’ve done something wrong.” And rewards tell the child, “It’s okay to go against your instincts as long as there’s a reward in it for you.”
8. Do not expect or request “obedience.” Children who grow up without power may receive one of two messages: The first is that if they love or admire someone, especially an authority figure, they must obey that person; they mustn’t speak up. The second is that if they ever find themselves in a position of authority, they should expect total obedience from others. The former is common among girls; the latter among boys. Neither is healthy.
Heart-Centered Parenting May Not Be Understood By Everyone. So What?
Okay, guys, here’s the thing: When you adopt a heart-centered parenting style, you will find yourself in situations with people who may not understand, or even agree with, your parenting choices. That can be hard. It can be awkward.
Many people expect us to control our children through manipulation, shame, and constant correcting—especially when it comes to social norms and standards. They think it is their right not to be offended or annoyed or put out by a child, and that children must be made to behave “properly,” whatever that means to them. And many, many people are triggered when children set and enforce boundaries for themselves.
How many times have you heard parents utter the phrase “Be nice.” As in: “That little girl wants to hold your hand. Be nice, and hold her hand!” or “Be nice and give Grandma a hug!”
As nice as “nice” sounds, nice often is a boundary violation. “Nice” often requires that children go against what their instincts are telling them. Heart-centered parents not only allow children to set boundaries but also actively encourage it.
The problem with having an audience of adults judging us is that sometimes we allow those adults to break through our boundaries and dictate our choices. We allow their presence and potential criticism to color how we choose to raise our children.
If you think you will be embarrassed by trying this new style of parenting in front of other parents or family members who do not do things this way, it’s okay. It’s understandable. No one wants to look foolish in front of people or to suffer the silent judgment of others. But heart-centered parents put the relationship with their children over the judgment of friends, family members, their children’s teachers, and even their pediatricians—much less complete strangers. Being overly concerned about what other people think is likely a projection from our own childhoods anyway. Some of us have been taught to be polite and friendly at any cost, to avoid confrontation whenever possible. We are taught that the needs of others, regardless of who they are, should be put atop our own.
You are responsible for raising your child in accordance with your own values and conscience. You are responsible for teaching your child that boundaries are important. They are important to set, and they are important to respect.
Children have big needs and small voices. They depend on us to stick up for them, protect their interests, and have their backs—especially when other adults treat our children’s time, desires, and opinions as less important than their own.
So put on your mommy or daddy armor and learn to sit in your embarrassment. Try your best to ignore the adults around you and refuse to be manipulated into changing course. You might pause and silently observe your emotions: Isn’t it interesting that I’m feeling embarrassed? This won’t necessarily lessen your desire to hide under the nearest rock, but it just might take the edge off.
You might also “set the scene” for other adults in your life.
Setting the Scene
Allowing ourselves to be judged for our parenting style isn’t always pleasant. But there are ways to minimize awkwardness and mitigate the judgment of others. One of our favorites is to “set the scene.”
“Hey, Mom,” you might tell your mother before coming over with the kids, “I want to let you know that we’re trying out a new parenting style. It means that the kids, at this stage in their development, don’t always do things that are quote-unquote polite—like sitting still through a meal, remaining quiet, or being gracious. You might not love their behavior, but please bear with us.”
In this way, you let Grandma in on the plan and give her a little warning of what’s to come. Most of the people who love you really do want to support you—and will be grateful for your honesty and more than willing to go along with your game plan.
And if they don’t? Well, that’s entirely their problem—and their loss.
What Are Your Children’s Boundaries?
You probably don’t remember the first time your child asserted her boundaries. Maybe, as an infant, she refused to fall asleep on your shoulder or rejected the bottle you offered. These situations may have made you curious or anxious or even disappointed, but you probably didn’t assume your child was choosing to be uncooperative. You probably didn’t try to force her to obey.
As our children get older, we are wise to keep this dynamic in mind. We can make requests of our kids and offer them what we think they need, but then let’s understand that the little human in front of us is not our clone. She has her own brain, and we need to get to know it—rather than try to control it.
If boundaries are something that have never come up in your household, you might want to open the conversation directly by asking your child to name some of hers. They could be boundaries around food (“I am unwilling to eat spinach”), sharing (“I am unwilling let anyone play with my favorite teddy bear”), possessions (“I am unwilling to let anyone read my diary”), siblings (“I am unwilling to take my little sister to all of my playdates”), touching (“I am only willing to let my mom and dad hug me”), excessive homework or athletic practice (“I am unwilling to spend all night doing homework” or “I am only willing to practice basketball for one hour a day”), and number of activities (“I am only willing to take on two extracurricular activities at a time”).
True Story!
When the Hatfields’ daughters were ages six, eight, and nine, Linda noticed that she’d made a habit out of yelling at them. She knew she wouldn’t allow other people to yell at her—it was a personal boundary—and didn’t want her children to be scared of her or to grow up thinking that it was okay for other people to scare them. She was committed to not yelling. But how? After brainstorming different options, Linda decided to enlist the girls’ help. She got a notebook and made a calendar. “Every time you think I’ve yelled at you, go and put a mark on this paper,” she told her kids. They happily agreed. At the end of the first day, Linda had five marks. The second, five more. But soon the marks tapered off. By week three, she hadn’t had a single mark in days. She approached her kids with a smile on her face. “I haven’t yelled in a long time!” she announced proudly, knowing she’d licked the problem. “No, Mommy,” her eight-year-old, Kari, replied. “You don’t yell at us anymore. But now you have a tone.”
ParentShift Assignment: Respecting Their Boundaries
Identify a situation in which you failed to recognize or respect your child’s boundaries. Why? What could you do differently next time?
Use this toolkit when your child’s behavior has violated or threatens to violate one of your boundaries, or the child has denied a request you have made. For example, your child reads your text messages without permission or refuses to go on a long errand journey with you.
Boundary-Setting
•Give FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS.
•Be sure the boundary is REASONABLE.
•IDENTIFY THE BOUNDARY.
•Ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS.
•Offer to BRAINSTORM solutions around the boundary.
Boundary-Honoring
•Consider EIGHT SIMPLE WAYS TO HONOR CHILDREN’S BOUNDARIES.
•Make PEACE WITH THE “NO.”
•Ask, “Is this a good time to let my child PRACTICE BOUNDARY-SETTING?”
•SET THE SCENE for friends and family.