Appendix C.
Commonly Overlooked Developmental Behaviors and Characteristics of Children Ages Eighteen Months to Eighteen Years

This list contains often-overlooked social and emotional behaviors developmentally appropriate in children ages eighteen months to eighteen years. Each child has a unique timetable and pattern of developmental growth, so it’s always helpful to read about the ages and stages just before and after your child’s age.

Guided by data and information gathered from the Gesell Institute of Child Development, Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn J. Kvols, and numerous other sources, we’ve compiled this list in the hopes that you will refer back to it again and again as your child gets older.

You may notice that a few behaviors seem mutually exclusive; for example, it’s typical for five-year-olds to be quiet, polite, and amenable, but also to enjoy talking. This is because a child’s temperament has a lot to do with which of these behaviors your child will exhibit. Just as not all kids walk by their first birthdays, not all kids hit all of these particular behaviors and landmarks at the same time, at the same level of intensity, or, indeed, at all.

The point here is that all of these behaviors, when exhibited around these particular ages and stages, are normal and will pass on their own.

18 Months Old

• Has boundless energy and needs many outlets for it

• Frustrates easily

• Responds better to simple choices than to verbal commands

• Tantrums often

• Refuses to comply with requests

• Must have his own way

• Says no often

• Does the opposite of what is requested

• Often hits, kicks, and bites

• Can be demanding and rigid

• Lacks patience, is unable to wait

• Tests limits (can be quite exhausting)

• Clings anxiously or walks away from parent

• Hates to see doors closed

• Is afraid of strangers, including grandparents

• Notices and overreacts to small differences

• Resists diaper changes

• Sucks thumb, requires a “blankie”

• Fears tubs and baths

• Explores genitalia

• Tries to walk away from parent whenever possible

• Does not play with other children; plays alongside or alone

• Does not sit very long for cuddling, stiffens and slides off lap

• Does not understand the concept of sharing, still learning the concept of “my” or “mine”

• Does not authentically understand the concept of gratitude (for example, “please” and “thank you”)

2 Years Old

• Beginning to take interest in other children; more apt to play beside them, than with them

• Follows simple directions

• Demands are less definite

• Friendly and even affectionate

• May object to new foods

• Behavior may regress with illness or new situation

• Occasional temper tantrums

• Curious and gets into things

• Open with emotions

• Many requests after being put to bed: kiss, drink, bathroom, etc.

• Strong fears

• Rocking body in bed

• Asserts independence

• Favorite word is “No!”

• Prone to hitting and biting

• Easily distracted

• Focus is on self; tends to be possessive

• Affectionate

• Appetite may fall off sharply

• Has difficulty making decisions, changes her mind when you know she wants what is being offered

• Demands that things remain the same

• May favor one parent over the other

• Is bossy and demanding

• May start to stutter

• Thumb-sucking may intensify

• Dawdles

• Quickly shifts from being capable, “Me do it!” to incapable, “Mommy do it!”

• Is easily frustrated

• Does not like to be physically restricted

• Is not interested in pleasing you

• Does not authentically understand the concept of sharing

• Does not authentically understand the concept of gratitude (for example, “please” and “thank you”)

21/2 Years Old

• Wants things always done exactly the same way

• Very bossy

• Cannot give up his toy

• Wants both of two opposites, or cannot make up his mind

• Gets into everything

• Return to temper tantrums

• Cannot accept change

• Highly persistent, difficulty changing gears

• Vigorous, enthusiastic, energetic

• Has almost no patience; cannot adapt, give in, or wait a little while

• Demands that everything be in its proper place (to him)

• Requires routines be followed rigidly; in the same sequence, wears the same clothes, eats the same food

• Insists on having his own way

• Emotional expression is intense

• Demanding bedtime rituals (same game, story, etc.)

• An age of opposite extremes, having made a choice, may then want the opposite

• Stuttering

• Rocking in bed

• Does not authentically understand the concept of sharing

• Does not authentically understand the concept of gratitude (for example, “please” and “thank you”)

3 Years Old

• Likes to do things with adult; a real “we” age

• Likes to do things “right”

• Loves to “help” around house

• May play cooperatively with others

• Likes to be read to

• Sucks thumb, clings to security blanket

• Gets out of bed at night and may wander around house

• Fusses at mealtime, won’t try new foods

• Stuttering or infantile pronunciation

• Jealousy of siblings, fights with them

• Behavior regresses with illness or stress

• Persistence

• Seems like nothing pleases her

• Makes commands like, “Don’t look at me” or “Don’t talk”

• Can be emotionally inconsistent from moment to moment

• Indulges in nail-biting, thumb-sucking, picking nose, and rubbing genitals

• Expresses fears

• Attention span is increasing

• Begins to play with other children

• Active imagination; may enjoy imaginary playmate

• Imitates others

• Wants to cooperate with parents if relationship is good

• Very active

• May develop a slight stutter

• Does not authentically understand the concept of sharing

• Does not authentically understand the concept of gratitude (for example, “please” and “thank you”)

31/2 Years Old

• An age of insecurity, child may be extremely sensitive, which leads to increased crying and whining

• Can cooperate with other routines if child wishes

• Excellent cooperative play with friends

• Intellectual curiosity increases

• May start asking many “how” and “why” questions

• Child may stutter (important for parents to stay relaxed and accepting and not to make a big deal over speech struggles in order to prevent a later problem)

• May be resistant and uncooperative about any routine; big fuss about eating, dressing, and going to bed

• Insists on having own way

• Uses tensional outlets more frequently; nail-biting, blinking eyes, nose-picking, facial tics, grabbing genitals, thumb-sucking may increase

• Insists, “Don’t look,” “Don’t laugh,” “Don’t talk”

• Tries to control everybody

• Does not authentically understand the concept of sharing

• Does not authentically understand the concept of gratitude (for example, “please” and “thank you”)

4 Years Old

• Out of bounds in word, deed, actions, and behavior—such as loud crying and excessive laughter

• The typical four-year-old is “speedy!’

• Favorite word now is “Why?”

• Intellectually curious, asks questions

• Wants to know the limits

• Can understand simple directions. (For example, “You can go as far as that tree.”)

• Experiments with language to an extreme: swearing, boasting, exaggerating, name-calling, and “potty words” (Four-year-olds delight in the shock value of words that aggravate or surprise parents. Expect phrases like, “Butthead” “Doo-doo face,” etc. They also will use swear words they have heard without knowing what they mean, just because they get a rise out of people.)

• Enjoys silliness and clowning around

• “Taking” things that belong to others, not stealing

• Constant physical activity

• Demands can be annoyingly persistent

• Excludes certain children from play

• Wants to know exact details on difficult subjects

• Emotions are extreme, can go from like to dislike in a heartbeat

• Loves things that are “new”

• Fluid imagination, joyous, exuberant, energetic, ridiculous, enthusiastic, adventuresome

• Some have strong attachment to primary caregiver

• Verbal; able to express themselves in words; completes sentences and conversations

• Attention span is longer than at age three

• May be afraid of the dark, thunder, animals, fire, sirens, parent leaving

• Does not authentically understand the concept of sharing, but may begin to share with others because he has seen it modeled.

• Does not authentically understand the concept of gratitude (for example, “please” and “thank you”)

5 Years Old

• Child wants to cooperate

• Enjoys life

• Uses positive language, “Sure!” or “Wonderful!” or “I just love…”

• Child is quiet, polite, and amenable

• Adores parents; primary caregiver is center of the child’s world

• Has strong feelings for family, including pets

• Determined to do things “just right”

• Still sucks thumb on occasion

• Calls names, fights with siblings and friends on occasion

• Minimal grabbing

• Some telling of falsehoods

• Lacks table manners

• Prefers play to work

• Short attention span

• Boy may dress up in girl’s clothes and vice versa

• Sensitive to criticism

• Comments on school as “too hard” or “challenging”

• Tends to be brash, combative, indecisive, demanding, and explosive

• Becomes more challenging in his rebellion; “Try and make me!” is a typical stance

• Once an emotional outburst has started, he may have a hard time stopping it

• Likes to talk

• Has difficulty admitting that he has done anything wrong

• Talks with mouth full

• Can dress himself; sometimes says, “I can’t.”

• May clear throat frequently and make clicking or smacking noises

• May be fascinated by fire, may want to start fires

• Attention span longer than at age four

• Generally cooperative and reliable

• Wants to help

• Plays cooperatively with friends; plays better with two friends than with three

• Wants to fit in and feel accepted

• Very curious

• May make up stories with violence as the main theme

• Gaining self-control

• Sensitivity to others is increasing

• Still has many fears

• Parents may need to consider whether five-year-old is ready to begin kindergarten. (Some are not ready. Emotional, social, physical, and intellectual maturity need to be taken into account when making this decision.)

• Does not authentically understand the concept of sharing, but may begin to share with others because he has seen it modeled.

• Does not understand the concept of gratitude, for example, “please” and “thank you.” (If modeled to him, he will say the words without assimilating the concept.)

6 Years Old

• Child now center of her own world; wants to be first and best, to have most of everything

• May remind parent of age 2½

• Loves encouragement

• Can be extremely enthusiastic and adventuresome

• Very determined

• Suddenly seems clumsy

• Can be very affectionate

• Both at her best and her worst with primary caregiver

• Asks a lot of questions

• May be violent

• May seem stubborn

• May need more than one opportunity to carry out a request

• Resistant to primary caregiver: “No, I won’t!” or “Try and make me!”

• Open expressions of hostility: “I hate you!”

• Argumentative

• Can’t stand to lose, may throw the board game

• May steal, lie, exaggerate

• Has difficulty making choices

• Challenging table manners: spills milk, may even fall out of her chair

• Fights with friends and siblings

• Gets into things (e.g., parent’s makeup)

• Bold and brash

• Very sensitive to criticism

• Cries a lot and easily hurt emotionally

• Cries easily when hurt physically

• Tantrums

• May be very energetic

• May “cheat” to win and will accuse others of cheating

• Talks with mouth full

• Wants the “biggest” piece

• Likes to talk before bed

• Loud and dramatic

• May refuse to bathe

• Battles over dressing

• Doesn’t take care of clothes

• Often loses shoes

• Makes irritating throaty noises

• Complains of aches and pains

• Does not authentically understand the concept of sharing, but may begin to share with others because she has seen it modeled.

• Does not understand the concept of gratitude, for example, “please” and “thank you.” (If modeled to her, she will say the words without assimilating the concept.)

7 Years Old

• The outgoingness of six is replaced by withdrawal

• Child is quiet, thoughtful, concentrated, and precise

• Absorbs knowledge from radio, TV, books

• Likes quiet conversation

• Loves to think, observe, reflect

• Persistent, sticks to a task

• Sensitive to feelings of others

• Does not want others to laugh at him

• Self-critical

• Needs limits

• Personal dependence on teacher

• Enjoys solitary play

• Much complaining; nothing is right

• Thinks parents don’t treat him well, may think he is adopted

• Thinks other children don’t like him

• Thinks teacher picks on him

• Sulking and moodiness

• Many worry and fears

• Doesn’t like to lose: “I’m quitting”

• Forgets to do what is asked, gets distracted mid-task

• Doesn’t “hear” requests

• Dawdles (for example, while dressing)

• Easily disappointed

• Very focused

• Likes to plan his own days

• Easily distracted at mealtime

• May begin to understand the concept of death

• Begins to authentically understand the concept of sharing and will share with others

• Understands the concept of gratitude and expresses it from his heart. (Uses “please” and “thank you” authentically.)

8 Years Old

• High energy; walks, talks, eats, reads quickly

• Exuberant, zestful, dramatic

• Likes rough-and-tumble play and loud games

• Exaggerates

• More self-aware

• Curious about all that is going on in the family

• Intellectual hunger for new facts

• Loves competitive board games

• Tackles schoolwork with speed and energy

• Likes to be timed while doing activities

• Money-minded

• Daydreams

• Likes to win-win negotiate

• Eating habits improve

• Still may dawdle at bedtime

• Dresses with medium ease and speed

• Girls, especially, are concerned with their looks

• Prefers play with others to play alone

• Wants parents’ complete attention

• Feels hurt if people don’t encourage or acknowledge her as expected

• Dramatizes her troubles

• May be selfish and bossy with friends

• Quarrelsome with siblings

• Heavy use of excuses

• May cry in disappointment over own lack of achievement

• Feels extremely sensitive to perceived criticism from others

• Experiences self-doubt

• Hard on self for making mistakes

• Loves to talk and wants a lot of communication with her primary caretaker

• Frequently asks, “What?”

• Loves to argue

• Evaluative

• Wants to wear “what other kids are wearing”

• Accident-prone

• May refuse to take baths

• Strongly interested in possessions

• Needs to keep busy

• Authentically will share with others and express gratitude

9 Years Old

• An age marked by more individual differences, may be unpredictable

• Wants fairness

• Wants to be liked, loves to be chosen

• Bathing can still be a problem

• Is more independent, self-motivated

• Is willing to attack new and difficult tasks

• May ignore requests until they make sense to him

• Especially interested in, “Who started it?”

• Very interested in fairness

• Is so busy with his own activity that he seems unaware of others

• Throws self into activities, social or intellectual

• Dislikes being interrupted

• Very independent of primary caregiver, resists his/her cautions and instructions

• Wants to be independent of teacher

• Friends’ opinions more important than that of adults

• Enjoys clubs, teams, and group activities

• Willing to spend time alone; has many interests

• Independent about dressing, bathing, bedtime

• Takes responsibility for getting to school on time

• Tells fewer tall tales and wild exaggerations

• May take responsibility for own behaviors

• Highly self-motivated

• Self-critical and critical of others

• Loves to collect things

• Likes to know what things cost

• Likes to make check lists; likes to classify, identify, and categorize information

• Gets lost in detail of own activities; may not “hear” adult

• Less willing to share details of his life with his parents

• Resists parents’ requests

• Complains that eyes or hands hurt when tasks are to be done

• May seem to resent parents’ presence

• Tends to be matter-of-fact about death

• Has mood swings

• Worries and complains

10 Years Old

• Self-contained, relaxed, direct, give and take

• Easygoing

• Accepts life and the world as they are

• Is closely attached to family

• Can be very nurturing toward younger siblings and pets

• Exhibits admiration for adults, teachers

• Fond of friends

• Likes to be in groups and clubs that tend to be inclusive in their membership

• Enjoys school

• Good at memorizing

• Loves to talk

• Loves physical activity—sliding, running, climbing, jumping

• Care of clothes and bedroom are unimportant

• Still needs some encouragement to gets things done; needs clues to organization

• Enjoys outdoor activities, sports, collections, Scouts, TV, and video games

• Response to anger can be violent and immediate

• Enjoys listening to stories

• Attention span still somewhat short

• Needs certain amount of freedom to move around

• Concerned about fairness

• Humor is corny, sometimes crude

• Not yet aware of when she is tired and needs to go to bed

• Will accept bathing schedule if it doesn’t interfere with activities

• Less fears than earlier ages

• Sudden bursts of affection

• Strong moral sense of right and wrong

• Matter-of-fact attitude about philosophical issues—life, death, deity, time

• Not self-centered; becoming aware of a conscience

• Last age (for a while) when child goes happily on family outings

• Has difficulty taking a joke on herself

• Asks personal questions

• May express concern if she isn’t developing physically like others

• A girl will hunch her shoulders if she’s uncomfortable about breast development

11 Years Old

• Highly contrary, argumentative, oppositional behavior

• Egocentric, energetic

• Talkative, outgoing, friendly

• Trying to become strong, independent

• Self-assertive

• Questioning; begins to challenge limits and rules

• When away from family, usually mannerly, helpful, outgoing

• Emotional

• Experiences wide range of moods from rage to laughter

• Enjoys life, takes interest in what goes on

• Friendships are important; girls and boys can be mean to each other

• Interest in opposite sex, beginning more with girls

• Alert, energetic, imaginative, ready for anything

• Needs healthy, tensional outlets

• Somatic complaints valid: headaches, pains, twitching

• Tries to stay up later, but may tend to wilt

• Decreased resistance to bathing

• Takes better care of himself than care of his bedroom

• Becoming more aware of clothes and styles

• Quick to criticize, loves to argue

• Expects perfection from others

• Curious, impulsive, may wiggle a lot

• Yells, swears, talks back, and says mean and sarcastic things

• Has intense need to be right or to know it all

• Finds faults with parents

• Fatigues readily and needs sleep

• Can be quarrelsome with siblings

• Needs parents to be responsive instead of reactive

• Interrupts insistently

• Still has a strong attachment to home

• Resists imposed task

12 Years Old

• Comfortable, balanced, secure, more objective

• Friendly, cheerful, sociable, insightful

• Likes to learn, more cooperative; likes a well-informed teacher who has a sense of humor

• Some branch out to a larger group of friends

• Interests changing

• Shows more empathy and is interested in others’ responses

• Influenced by the attitudes and interests of peer groups

• More rowdy in group situations

• Peers becoming more influential

• Can be wonderful conversational company

• Enthusiastic, outgoing, cooperative, positive

• A growing sense of humor

• Becoming quite comfortable with personality

• Less intense emotionally, more even-keeled

• Fond of attending school gatherings; enjoys group activities

• More cooperative at bedtime

• Much more aware of appearance

• Needs bulletin board to “plaster” with pictures, posters

• May not volunteer to work but is interested in helping

• Concerned with similarity to others

• Doing things on weekends with friends is crucial; if he can’t, he may become sullen

• Expresses boredom if friends are unavailable

• May not want you to purchase clothes for him anymore

• May walk ahead of you or behind you

• May not want to be touched in public

13 Years Old

• Can be critical, withdrawn, sad, lonely, sour, suspicious, unfriendly, and uncertain

• Disposition may seem negative (actually the child is searching for or protecting a fragile, budding personality)

• More adaptable and dependable, a strong sense of duty

• Very worried about body, features, and general personality

• Thinks a lot about self and future

• Girls may be critical of parents, may call their hair, clothes, makeup “ridiculous”

• Not satisfied with his family members and what they do

• Enjoys friends and seems to have fewer friends at this age than at other ages

• Enjoys parties, playing games, dancing, eating, talking, having fun, listening to music

• Many enjoy school, like independent and challenging projects

• Many recognize a teacher may be good even though they may not like that teacher

• Enjoys matching wits with a cooperative adult

• Most are rather ethical; very concerned about fairness

• Believes cheating is really wrong

• Appetite calming down in some; table manners improve

• Recognizes the need to bathe, especially before a dance

• Increased interest in hair and personal appearance in general

• Spends a lot of time in her bedroom (with door shut to ensure privacy): reading, listening to music, doing homework

• Feelings hurt easily, needs a lot of empathy and understanding

• Uncommunicative; speaks in a low voice, shrugs shoulders

• Doesn’t often confide in parents, is embarrassed by parents

• Expressions of affection don’t come easily

• Demands more privacy and accuses parents of prying

• Becomes aware of the ability to reason

• Feels teachers are unfair

• May be found crying in her room

14 Years Old

• Outgoing, vigor, excitement, expressive, gregarious, and boundless energy

• Enjoys school

• Very friendly, positive, and enthusiastic outside the home; enjoys life

• Compares self to others

• Wants to communicate with friends any hour day or night

• Prefers being with peers

• Feels embarrassed by parental conduct

• Wants to be popular

• May overcommit

• Is interested in people and aware of personality differences

• Thrives on a varied program; enjoys extra­curricular activities and clubs, likes to be busy

• Laughs a lot, has a strong sense of humor

• Talks more freely and openly with people, including their own parents on occasion

• Gets along well with younger siblings

• Is more self-assured

• Enjoys being a member of clubs or teams

• Care of clothes shows increasing responsibility

• Likes to reason and is capable of independent thinking

• In public, wants to be as far away from parent as possible

• Can look at all sides of an issue concerning schools, churches, law enforcement

• Less impulsive, tries to be realistic and objective

• May lack skills in planning and coordinating activities with peers

15 Years Old

• Intense need for independence

• More introspective, serious, quiet

• Speaks in a soft voice

• Experiences self-awareness and perceptiveness

• Gregarious in groups

• Explores self in relation to ideas, ideals, and opinions of others

• May be more withdrawn, slow to warm, unwilling to reveal oneself

• May be seen as indifferent or apathetic

• Wants to be precise; can appear as a perfectionist

• Aware and sensitive about own limitations, can be down on self when tasks seem challenging

• Resists limits and strives to be more independent

• Analyzes the personality traits of parents

• Gets along better with siblings

• Friend time is more important than family time

• More belligerent and defiant

• Very vulnerable

• Uses exaggerated language to express scorn

• Does things that cause parent great anxiety

• Withdraws emotional contact with parents

• Gets along better with siblings than parents

• Honesty and fairness important

• Feels conflicted over issues of attachment and detachment

• Has less interest in food, even sweets

• Capable of harboring grudges and feelings of revenge and violence

• Tends to be the age of most rebellion if parenting has been off course

16 Years Old

• Smooth, comfortable, content

• Self-reliant, self-sufficient

• Friendly and appreciative toward family

• Assists around the house

• Cheerful, friendly, positive, outgoing, well-adjusted, and matter-of-fact

• Good-natured and strong sense of humor

• Not as self-critical

• Poised

• Independent

• Feels relatively secure with self

• Initiates self-care

• Bedroom a mess

• Argues less with family members

• Likes to have friends over

• Gets along well with siblings

• Prefers being with friends and less influenced by peer group

• Less impulsive

• Assumes more responsibility

• Fairness is important

• Interested in the future

17 to 18 Years Old

• Anxious about leaving home, going to college, choosing a career, or planning for the future

• Concerned about ability to succeed

• Wants independence and freedom

• Wants to be trusted and self-reliant

• Thinks about what his values are going to be

• Learns to manage powerful emotions

• Fits into a complicated social network

• Continues to be influenced by peers

• Reestablishes and renegotiates relationships with parents

• Excited to experience the world and all it has to offer

• Can feel invincible

• A time when old friendships may pass and new friendships are formed

• Important for parents to let go, yet be supportive and have faith in child