1. Beyond Rewards and Punishments

In the early years of the twentieth century, an Austrian doctor and psychotherapist named Alfred Adler hypothesized that personality disorders, criminal behavior, high divorce rates, and other types of adult suffering could be traced directly back to childhood experience.

He theorized that the emotional needs of children—their need for acceptance, respect, and significance—were as important as their physical needs but were constantly being undermined by permissive parents, on the one hand, and punitive parents, on the other. When children whine, hit, withdraw, refuse to cooperate, break the rules, or engage in power struggles, he said, they are not trying to be defiant or selfish or disrespectful; they have legitimate emotional needs that are being ignored. Lacking the maturity, language, or skill set to state their needs clearly, they rely on the most effective mode of communication they have: their behavior.

It’s up to parents, Adler said, to respond not to the behavior itself—which is just a messenger—but to the needs and feelings beneath the behavior.

Adler’s work was so important and influential that he now has an entire branch of psychology named after him (Adlerian), but it was his protégé, Rudolf Dreikurs, who popularized Adler’s message. A psychiatrist and educator whose writing has inspired hundreds of parenting education programs the world over, Dreikurs expanded on his mentor’s research, developing a system of techniques that would allow parents to live the Adlerian principles.

In doing so, Dreikurs became one of the very first parenting authorities to put his foot down on punishments (or “consequences,” as they often are euphemistically called today) and rewards—both of which he deemed ineffective, disrespectful, and deeply damaging to the parent-child relationship.

Punishment: A penalty imposed on a child in response to unacceptable behavior, usually with the goal of changing future behavior. Common punishments include timeouts, revoking privileges, confiscating possessions, docking allowances, imposing extra chores, threatening, shaming, yelling, tough love, and spanking.

Reward: A thing given to a child to reinforce desired behavior. Common rewards include stickers, treats, toys, extra screen time, outings, praise, and special privileges.

Dreikurs’s 1964 groundbreaking book, Children: The Challenge, included a chapter called “The Fallacy of Punishment and Reward.” Neither, he wrote, are likely to breed cooperation or psychological health because both are based on a system of control that treats children’s emotional needs with contempt. Punishment, particularly, he said, focuses entirely on the child’s outward behavior—killing the messenger, as it were. As a result, children often wind up feeling even more discouraged than they did before. And those feelings? They provoke the very behavior parents seek to end, and worse.

“The proper way of training children,” Dreikurs wrote, “is identical with the proper way of treating fellow human beings.” The subtext: If you don’t punish your friends, don’t punish your kids.

It was all quite racy at the time.

Yet, the core thesis espoused by Adler and Dreikurs has stood the test of time. In the last century, countless research studies, as well as scientific data gleaned only through modern technology, have reinforced the link between unmet emotional needs in childhood and both short-term behavioral challenges and long-term mental health problems.

Punishments and rewards are just two of the many frustratingly popular parenting tactics proven to work against those needs, driving children to behave worse and cooperate less. Ironically, this “worse” behavior only leads parents to employ ineffective tactics with more frequency and intensity, believing—as many do—that it is the child who is the problem, when in reality it is the parenting style. This vicious cycle threatens to sabotage the hopes, dreams, and goals of countless mothers and fathers when, all the while, an alternative parenting style—one that promises a respite to exhausted parents and a brighter future for their children—rests in plain view.

The Big Picture

When we—Ty, Linda, and I—became parents, we’d never heard of Alfred Adler or Rudolph Dreikurs. We’d not read the work of Dorothy Walter Baruch or Dorothy Corkille Briggs or Alfie Kohn or Daniel J. Siegel or any of the extraordinary parenting writers and experts you’ll meet in the next few hundred pages. Even if we had, though, we could easily have lost sight of the big picture: The majority of the world’s most reputable experts do not espouse unique and compartmentalized views on parenting. In fact, with few exceptions, they espoused much the same view—but through different lenses.

Baruch (New Way in Discipline, 1949) wrote about how behavioral problems are rooted in emotional hunger. Briggs (Your Child’s Self-Esteem, 1975) wrote about the vital importance of preserving children’s feelings of self-worth. Kohn (Punished by Rewards, 1993) shined a light on the detriments of extrinsic motivation. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (The Whole-Brain Child, 2011) wrote about children’s neurological reactions to stress and how different modes of discipline affect the developing mind.

Thomas Gordon (PET: Parent Effectiveness Training, 1970) was all about limit-setting and conflict resolution. Naomi Aldort (Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, 2006) taught parents how to support rather than shame children as they expressed their strong emotions. Lawrence J. Cohen (Playful Parenting, 2001) focused on the healing power of play. Kathryn J. Kvols (Redirecting Children’s Behavior, 1993) demonstrated that the key to cooperation is calm, confident, and empowering parents. Barbara Coloroso (Kids Are Worth It!, 2010) offered techniques that encourage children to develop inner discipline. Laura Markham (Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, 2012) offered real-world advice on how to self-regulate, foster the parent-child connection, and become a coach for children—rather than a controller.

Haim Ginott (Between Parent and Child, 1965) was an expert at communicating with children, and his famous students, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, 1980) illustrated, in cartoon form, how to empathize with kids.

Psychologist Gordon Neufeld and physician Gabor Maté (Hold On to Your Kids, 2004) wrote about the dangers that result when children disconnect from their parents too soon and turn to their peers instead.

Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, 1968–2001), a child-whisperer in every sense of the word, showed instinctively how unconditional love and an empathetic style of communication can win the hearts and minds of children and adults alike.

And so on and so on and so on.

We assumed, as Briggs once observed, that we were qualified to be parents because we are parents. It didn’t occur to us that going with our guts might be an unreliable compass at times. We didn’t realize that we needed to be great students before we could be great parents.

It is such a relief, though, to know that each of these teachers and experts, down to the great Mr. Rogers, all share the same general philosophy. Yes, they each have contributed original research and have expanded on topics according to their unique expertise. But all support the same “style” of child-rearing—a style we call heart-centered.

For nearly a century, all of these vibrant and important voices have been pushing one main message—a message about children and child-rearing that could change our world. If only parents were willing to listen.

Goldilocks and the Three Parenting Styles

Most child-development educators recognize three main parenting styles: one in which parents set unreasonably high expectations for their kids and give low emotional support (controlling), one in which parents set low expectations and offer high and unhealthy emotional support (permissive), and one in which parents set reasonably high expectations and offer high and healthy emotional support (heart-centered).

Although there are many significant differences among the three parenting styles—and we will delve more deeply into each of them in the next chapter—one of the most crucial is that heart-centered is the only method to promote a “win-win” approach to problem-solving. In both of the other models, someone’s voice drowns out the other.

By “win-win,” we mean that both parent and child reach a collaborative agreement that makes both sides happy. This is not the same as a compromise because, in a compromise, each party gives in or gives up something, and no one is necessarily happy. Win-win agreements take more time but are well worth the effort.

Let’s take an example. A father asks his son to take out the trash. The son, who is watching TV, says, “No!”

• In controlling mode, Dad says, “Do it now, or I’m not taking you to soccer practice,” manipulating the child into taking out the trash. The child abides. (Kid loses; Dad wins.)

• In permissive mode, Dad says, “Geez, fine,” and takes out the trash himself. The child continues to watch TV. (Kid wins; Dad loses.)

• In heart-centered mode, Dad pauses, takes a few breaths, waits for a commercial, and says, “It sounds like you are feeling irritated that I asked you to take out the trash while you are still watching your show. Maybe this is not a good time for you. When would you be willing to take out the trash?” After a brief back-and-forth, the child agrees to take out the trash as soon as he’s done with his TV show. (Kid wins because he gets to continue watching his TV show; Dad wins because his son takes out the trash.)

To some, the third scenario surely will seem like a fantasy. Pie in the sky. In the Hatfields’ Parenting from the Heart classes, parents often present two arguments. The first is that bribery, rewards, threats, and punishments are sometimes necessary to get children to do what needs to be done. The second is that allowing children to refuse our requests or demands is tantamount to losing their respect; the more lightly we tread around children’s “feelings,” the less effective we become as parents.

Both arguments are understandable. Many of us have been raised to believe that effective parenting demands that we overpower our kids from time to time, that our children’s respect for us hinges on our ability to maintain the upper hand.

But what happens when we have the courage to reject that belief as the modern myth that it is and accept a different view? What happens when we acknowledge that our influence on our children is only as strong as our relationship with them? Overpower the child, and the relationship suffers. Work with the child—as one would work with, say, a trusted coworker—and the relationship blossoms.

Often, controlling parents read heart-centered parenting as too permissive, while permissive parents read heart-centered parenting as too controlling. In reality, both views reveal inherent biases, not truth.

The win-win approach that forms the foundation of heart-centered parenting hits that “just right” sweet spot where parents are respected and so are kids, where mutual agreements are created around limits, and where children’s emotional needs are both considered and prioritized.

In their classes, Ty and Linda find that parents who initially view heart-centered parenting as unrealistic, or even undesirable, soon come to realize that those views were shaped not by logic or evidence, but by fear. As soon as they open their minds, they find they understand their children better than they ever could have dreamed. They suddenly grasp why some tactics bring them so much consistent success and get to pat themselves on the backs for their natural gifts in certain areas. At the same time, they get to see where there’s room for improvement and why some tactics consistently make things worse.

By showing you the big picture, we hope to show you that parenthood need not be a guessing game or a free-for-all or an exhausting trudge toward an uncertain future.

Out with the Old, In with the New

Before the days of Adler and Dreikurs, objectively speaking, there was so little known about how different types of parenting affected children. That is no longer the case.

Today, we can say definitively, for instance, that both “old paradigm” parenting styles—controlling and permissive—are harmful to children and lead to negative behavior. We know that parents who empathize with their children’s feelings—rather than coerce, manipulate, or scare them into obedience—build stronger, kinder, more resilient kids with fewer psychological problems. We know that respectful communication and reasonable expectations are hallmarks of happy families. We know the emotional needs of children cannot be denied without severe repercussions. And we know that the quality of the relationship a child shares with her parents, whether she’s six or sixteen, acts as a shield to the cruel realities of the outside world.

We also know, with scientific certainty, that when used consistently and over a period of time, punishment damages the parent-child relationship and undermines children’s self-esteem like nothing else.

In his important book, Between Parent & Child, famed child psychologist Haim Ginott did not mince words. “Punishment is archaic,” he said. That was 1965.

To be sure, the breadth of knowledge we possess today when it comes to child-rearing is staggering and inspiring. It used to be that parents simply mimicked what their own parents did (or made a 180-degree turn and did exactly what their parents didn’t do!). But today is different. Or it could be.

In a recent interview, we asked Dr. Daniel Siegel, one of the world’s most preeminent neuroscientists, whether it’s true that human beings have finally got parenting down to a science.

“Oh, yes,” Siegel answered. “Definitely.”

the ParentShift Solutions Process

Often when people hear about parenting styles free of punishments, the first thing they say is: “Fine, but what do we do instead?” It’s a great question, and we have the answer—lots of answers, actually. Heart-centered parenting is, above all, practical. We don’t offer you vague information and expect you to magically apply it to what’s going on in your kitchen every morning. On the contrary.

The ParentShift Solutions Process, which you will find in Part Three, is a formula of sorts—a fourteen-question inquiry designed to guide your response to challenging behavior without using punishment, threats, rewards, or bribery—or, alternatively, giving in to your child’s every whim. The ParentShift Solutions Process is designed to key you into what’s causing your child’s challenging behavior, so that you can identify the best tools to wield as you move through each problem.

To be fair, not all problems have perfect solutions. Sometimes a child’s age or stage is responsible for the behavior; sometimes the child’s temperament is to blame. Not all of your child’s irritating behavior can be prevented or “fixed.” But that doesn’t make the process any less important. Because while our parenting choices may not always be able to make things better, they can almost always make things worse.

Kids under age seven will throw tantrums. They will have trouble going to sleep. Siblings will argue. Children will push your buttons. But intimidating, shaming, or punishing kids will only make the tantrums more frequent, the sibling fights more extreme, and the button-pushing more forceful.

The ParentShift Solutions Process provides myriad solutions, but it also tells you when the best “solution” lies in remaining calm, turning your sound machine to ocean waves, and knowing, with certainty, that this phase will soon pass on its own. What’s more, the process assists you in deciphering which behaviors are “typical” and not to be sweated, and which are red flags requiring intervention. And here’s the best part: Every one of the tools we offer are guaranteed to do six hugely important things:

1. Deepen your relationship with your child

2. Preserve your child’s self-esteem

3. Lessen the number and severity of parent-child conflicts

4. Prevent more serious problems from cropping up down the line

5. Prepare your child to meet the challenges of life

6. Bring confidence and consistency to your parenting style

Just try asking that of punishments, threats, bribery, or rewards.

Ten Universal Truths about Children

Please do not misunderstand us. Being a solidly great parent to your child, in your country, in your culture, in your family allows for endless variety. The limits and freedoms you place on your sons and daughters are determined, in large part, by your experience, values, and circumstances. What’s suits other families may not suit yours.

Despite these differences, however, and despite the infinitely varied ways we can become great parents, there are certain universal truths about children’s behavior—truths that apply equally to all children, regardless of their culture, race, religion, environment, or experience.

Each of these truths is deeply important and, as you will see, heart-centered parenting is among the few models that both acknowledge and honor these truths.

1. All children have emotional needs.

Have you ever ticked off some of the common culprits of your moody child—Hungry? Tired? Sick?—only to realize that none of them seem to apply? That’s because children don’t just have physical needs; they have emotional needs, as well. These emotional needs are not always easy to distinguish (unless you know what you are looking for—which you soon will!), but they are no less important.

2. All children have innate, neurological responses to stress.

When children experience strong emotions, particularly anger or fear, they move into what is sometimes termed “survival brain,” which is associated with the brain’s fight-or-flight response. Brain scans show that when the fight-or-flight mode is activated, children are unable to fully focus, cooperate, consider consequences, or think rationally. When they tantrum, it’s not a choice; it’s their biological reaction to stress. And here’s the kicker: Quite often, when we fly off the handle and impose too-harsh punishments on kids, those are not choices either—but the result of our own survival brains.

3. All children must express their feelings.

Despite our best intentions, most of us, at some point in time, will send messages to our kids that their most intense feelings are unacceptable, invalid, or of little interest to us. Maybe we’re feeling embarrassed that Junior is melting down in public, or we only have ten minutes to get out the door and don’t have time for the whining. Maybe we’re just tired of the drama. Whatever our rationale or excuse in the moment, when we persistently deny our children the right to express their feelings, those feelings turn into negative or unhealthy behavior.

4. All children go through developmental stages.

Children are on a continuous path of physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development. Much has been written about the development of infants into toddlers and toddlers into preschoolers. But what about five-year-olds? Six-year-olds? What are the developmental markers of an eleven-year-old? Many of the things kids do that concern parents are developmentally necessary behaviors, not signs of disrespect or ineffective parenting. When we know what’s normal, we don’t spin our wheels trying to change the unchangeable.

5. All children are born with unique temperaments.

“Temperaments” refer to children’s natural, personal inclinations. A child’s sensitivity to change is generally influenced by temperamental traits, as is his level of cautiousness. Although scientific research into temperaments is still in its infancy, and individual temperaments are famously hard to isolate, we know certain traits are genetic, present at birth, and unchangeable. It’s also important to note that there are no “good” or “bad” temperaments. All temperamental traits are associated with any number of wonderful outcomes—as long as parents recognize these traits for what they are and work with them rather than against them.

6. All children model their primary caregivers.

We are our children’s most important role models, and children learn more by modeling us than from any other teaching method. So much can be gained from understanding just how well our children will mimic us—and how much the things we say to our children are influenced by the things our parents said to us. It’s both poetic and a little scary to consider that the voice we use with our kids—whether it’s overwhelmingly critical, exasperated, encouraging, or supportive—will someday become the voice they use when talking to themselves.

7. All children need opportunities to solve their own problems.

Children learn to be decision-makers by being allowed to make decisions, good and bad—not being told what to do or scolded when they choose the wrong path. As early as toddlerhood, children are capable of helping work out solutions to problems, and each time they do, they gain confidence in their own critical-thinking abilities. While rescuing our children from hardship and potential failure comes easily to many of us—“Your teacher said what to you? You’ve got to be kidding! I’ll have a word with her.”—it tends to produce children who feel they are not equipped to handle the real world on their own.

8. All children need caregivers who honor personal boundaries.

If there was any doubt that children must be taught to set personal boundaries for themselves, the #MeToo movement has shattered it. The violation of boundaries abounds in our society, in large part because our sons and daughters have not been taught to respect the boundaries of themselves and/or of others. And it all begins with us. It is our responsibility to teach children about boundaries by respecting their boundaries—and our own.

9. All children need age-appropriate limits on their behavior.

A great number of family conflicts center on limits. In the controlling parenting style, parents set the rules and children are expected to follow them. When the limits are broken, the parent uses threats or punishment to bring kids back in line. Conversely, in the permissive style, parents treat limits loosely, often setting them only to see them broken time and again. Knowing how to set reasonable, age-appropriate limits, and knowing how to respond when limits are challenged, is a must if parents are to experience consistently close and cooperative relationships with their children.

10. All children move through and between four levels of discouragement in response to unmet needs.

The first truth was that all children have emotional needs. The last one is that when those needs are not met, children act out in a surprisingly methodical way. In response to unmet needs, children move through four levels of challenging behavior: 1) demanding attention, 2) power struggles, 3) displays of revenge, and 4) displays of inadequacy. The most effective parental response depends entirely which level is being experienced.

A Note about Our Tools: As you make your way through the book, you’ll be alerted to the introduction of heart-centered tools when you see this symbol.

As Dreikurs and Adler suggested so long ago, being able to identify what’s beneath the child’s behavior is the key to a happy, healthy, peaceful home life.

Instead of reacting to what our children say and do—or refuse to do, as the case may be—we have to take a half step back. The first question must not be, “What am I supposed to do about my kid’s behavior?” but rather: “What’s causing my kid’s behavior?”

Although we will always be tasked with guiding our children—keeping them safe, showing them how to get by in the world, and helping them understand the moral and ethical implications of their actions—we are not the only forces at work. It isn’t possible to raise psychologically healthy children by “molding” them into what we want them to be; we ensure their health only by honoring and celebrating what’s already there.

But Wait, There’s More . . .

A great many of the behavioral challenges we face with children stem from one or more of these truths. But there are, of course, other reasons children behave the way they do. There are physical reasons, for instance—such as fatigue, hunger, illness. There are hormonal reasons, such as puberty. There are diagnosable issues, such as ADD, ADHD, autism, and mental health problems. There are learning challenges and physical limitations that can lead to behavioral problems in some children. And there are other, more acute problems, as well—such as divorce, family illness, parental incarceration, sexual abuse, traumatic accidents, or the death of siblings or parents. But remember, even if your child is facing one or more of these situations, and even if you need to seek professional help, the ten universal truths are still at work—and a parenting style that honors them will still have an enormous influence on your child’s life.

“But Punishment Works!”

According to a Pew Research Center study published in 2015, the majority of Americans use some kind of punishment in their child-rearing. Forty-three percent of parents frequently take things away, such as TV time or phone privileges; 22 percent regularly resort to raising their voices or yelling; and 41 percent of parents with children younger than six impose timeouts.

There are many reasons for this. Some believe these tactics are necessary. (“Children need structure and a firm hand.”) Others lack viable alternatives. (“Well, I need to do something, dammit.”) Some were raised on punitive measures themselves. (“I was spanked sometimes, and I turned out just fine.”) Others are influenced by friends and family (and authors and bloggers) who swear that their no-tolerance policy on “misbehavior” helped turn their kids into the great people they are today. In short, as the story goes: Punishments may not be ideal, but they aren’t harmful and they do work.

This is what some might call fake news.

Yes, all children do require limits on their behavior, and those limits must be upheld, but punishment is not synonymous with upholding limits. Punishment is a distraction and a saboteur—undermining our relationship with our kids in ways that make them test, oppose, and violate the limits we’ve set.

And, yes, it’s true that some kids do turn out “just fine” or even “great” after a childhood that included constant and implied threats of punishment—but those are the kids who do fine and great despite their parents’ actions, not because of them. Some children are naturally more resilient than others, making them more impervious to negative influences; other children are temperamentally more suited to their parents’ personalities, making them less likely to incur their parents’ disapproval or to “need” threats to motivate them. But, as this book will show you, all children suffer to one degree or another at the hands of punitive parents. What looks “just fine” from the outside may not feel “just fine” from the inside.

And, contrary to popular belief, punishments never work—not in the way that truly matters anyway.

In her book, Buddha Never Raised Kids & Jesus Didn’t Drive Carpool, author Vickie Falcone says, rightly, that “But it works!” is another way of saying “I got my agenda met.” It says nothing of the actual impact of the methods. For example, let’s say it’s late and you want your child to stay in bed. She refuses. You threaten to take away her favorite blanket, and she stays in bed. Your threat worked in that it got your agenda met.

But “getting your agenda met” is far from the mark of success for a family. After all, just because something works in gaining temporary compliance doesn’t mean it works to better the child or deepen your relationship with the child. Quite the opposite.

Many meaningful studies have determined that children of “strict” or “harsh” parents are far more likely to disengage emotionally from their parents at early ages, raising the risk that they’ll make unhealthy attachments to peer groups, engage in risky activity, and act in ways that please their peers rather than their parents.

Luckily for all of us, parenting with punishment isn’t the only thing that “works.” The heart-centered parenting tools scattered throughout this book also work. The difference is, heart-centered tools work for both the parent and the child, both in the long term and in the moment. In other words, they don’t just work as well as punishment; they work better.

These three benchmarks are the litmus test we suggest you employ when deciding whether your parenting tools and techniques are old paradigm or new paradigm.

Your New Paradigm, If You Choose to Accept It

A “paradigm” is a worldview or set of ideas. Our calendar system is a paradigm. So is driving on the right side of the road. We all operate according to an infinite number of paradigms, but most of them were not chosen by us so much as they were chosen for us. They have grown out of what others have taught us about the world. Knowledge, however, can lead us to shift paradigms. These shifts need not be traumatic. (People who move from America to England learn pretty quickly how to drive on the left side of the road.) But they must be intentional. Paradigms do not change themselves.

All of the tools and tips presented in this book:

1. Display win-win cooperation

2. Enhance your relationship with your child

3. Treat the child the way you would want to be treated

Take the earlier example—the child who wouldn’t stay in bed. Did taking away her blanket involve win-win cooperation? No. The parents got their agenda met; the child was overpowered. Did it enhance the relationship? No. It left both feeling worse about each other (and possibly themselves). Did it treat the child the way the parent would want to be treated if the parent were having trouble going to sleep? Certainly not.

That’s how you know it’s old paradigm.

So, about that kid who refuses to go to bed. What’s a parent to do? How would a heart-centered parent handle that situation? The short answer: It depends. It depends on a lot of factors that only a parent is privy to. It’s why these quick-hit, one-size-fits-all tactics—such as timeouts—are so often ineffective. We must be able to see the big picture before settling on an answer.

ParentShift is that big picture.

Will new-paradigm parenting seem harder than old-paradigm parenting? Maybe, in that it requires more thought, reflection, and personal restraint. But, in the long run, the answer is a resounding no. As you will see, all of the work you put into heart-centered parenting on the front end pays off in spades as your child ages, all but ensuring that the teenage years will, contrary to all the stereotypes, be some of the easiest years. Again, this may very well seem unrealistic now, but it soon won’t.

By the end of this book, it is our hope and expectation that you will not only have agreed to adopt a fresh parenting paradigm that makes sense to you and feels right for you—but that you will have already begun to enjoy the benefits.