The day before...
Turning the small velvet box over and over in my hands, I consider its implications for my future.
Is this the right time? Is she the right person? Does she think that I am the right person?
Would I be a good husband? I work all day and night, and I’m barely at home, except to sleep. Sometimes, I even end up doing most of my sleeping here in this miserable hospital staff room. My few days off are spent recuperating. Would the long hours eventually upset her and destroy us? But she is a writer; a special kind of woman who barely notices the passage of time. She has her nose in a book all day, and hardly ever misses me. I don’t think I could ever find a partner more independent than my Winter Rose.
Helen Winters.
Even though she prefers to be called by her pen name, I still call her Helen in my head. Is that dishonest? Is it just another one of the secrets and lies I keep bottled up that will eventually kill our relationship? I usually don’t worry so much, but when this little ring box is in my hand, all my fear and anxiety boils up to the surface.
“Just propose already, Liam,” says a female doctor with a groan.
I look up in surprise; I hadn’t even heard her enter the break room.
Dr. Jennifer Keating smirks at me. “Better finish your coffee, kid. You’re gonna need it in an hour or two.” She pops open her own can of soda and begins chugging the contents.
“Thanks, Jen,” I mumble, reaching for my half-empty coffee cup. I take a large gulp of the cold, bitter beverage, and make a face of disgust.
The middle-aged woman chuckles at me. She reaches into her pocket and tosses me a small packet. “Caffeine pills,” she explains. “I couldn’t survive without them.”
I nod, reaching for the stimulant gratefully.
“Gotta go,” she tells me, heading for the door. “Oh, and Liam? Happy birthday.”
I try to force a smile, but birthdays are a sour subject for me.
“Owen won’t shut up about the party he’s throwing for you,” Jennifer says. “What are you now? Thirty-five?”
“Twenty-nine.”
She whistles. “Jesus! Way too young to be a doctor. When I was your age, I was still getting laid as much as possible on campus.”
I force a smile again as Jennifer leaves the room. Of course she was. She came from a good family and never had any problems with money. I had to work ten times harder than people like her, and I’m still not where I want to be.
Am I even in a position to be thinking about marriage?
Could I provide a good life for Helen? I know she makes a little income from her writing, and her family is loaded. But I don’t want her to depend on her father forever. I want to be someone. I’ve never really had a penny to my name. All my adult life, I’ve been buried up to my neck in filthy debt. I’ve tried and tried to claw my way out by doing more than any of my peers, and seizing every opportunity that came my way. But where has that gotten me? I thought that once I finished school and my residency and got a real job, things would miraculously change.
It turns out that I was wrong.
All my life has been spent waiting. Waiting and preparing for something that never came. Patience is simply not my strong suit, yet I have been forced to exhibit so much patience that I think it might drive me mad. It’s not enough that I had to sacrifice my entire youth for a grueling decade of school. I took no breaks, and crammed classes in as much as possible to make it go faster, but it didn’t really make a difference. I still feel like I spent the last ten years of my life in prison.
Now that I’m finally free, I still need to be patient enough to wait for each measly paycheck. After my mortgage, car loans, credit cards, and student loans, each paycheck disappears the moment it hits my account. How can anyone live like this? I know I’m not the only one, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Cracking the velvet box open, I study the unusual ruby stone with a sigh. If my grandmother hadn’t given me this ring before she died, I doubt I could even afford one. That might have made things easier, no? If I didn’t have the ring, I couldn’t even consider proposing.
It’s the indecision that’s killing me.
Life might be a little less hectic if I had a private practice with regular hours. But that could realistically be years and years away. What woman would be willing to suffer through another decade of misery with me while I get my life together? But Helen isn’t just any woman. She’s the one. If I don’t ask now, could I lose my opportunity?
Helen has been changing lately. She’s no longer the hesitant, paper-thin girl that I met in the woods a few months ago. Since her eye surgery, and her judo lessons, she’s developed a new confidence and boldness that I find incredibly attractive. But her newfound strength and enthusiasm for life makes me afraid that she won’t need me anymore. What if she only needed me to help her heal—and now that she has healed, there’s no room for me in her life?
Gazing down at the slender gold band in the blue velvet box, I wonder if Helen would even like the ring. I remember it resting on the hand of a kind old woman who loved her vulgar son far too much. My eyebrows crease as I think of my father.
“If you’re gonna ask a woman for somethin’, boy, you better ask her on your birthday,” says the muscular man, hoisting a rifle onto his shoulder. “Can you believe yer mother let me get this gun? It’s a beauty, that’s for sure.”
“Will you let me shoot it, Dad?” I ask in excitement as I follow him into the woods. “Will you teach me?”
Turning toward me with a sneer, my father shoves his large boot firmly in my stomach, sending me hurtling back to the ground. He then proceeds to spit on me.
“A tiny piece of shit like you ain’t got no business handling a man’s weapon. I reckon it weighs more than you do,” he says bitterly. Then he pauses. “Come to think of it, the only reason you’re here is because I begged yer mother to let me fuck her on my eighteenth birthday. What a waste. I should have just asked her for the damn gun instead. A gun doesn’t ruin your life and burn through all your money by shitting in thousands of diapers because it can’t use the fucking toilet.”
My lip trembles as I fight back tears. I don’t even understand half of what he’s saying, but I know that it’s mean. And I’m pretty sure that I finished potty training in half the time it took other kids.
“Are you gonna cry?” my father asks, slapping the side of my face with the nozzle of his rifle. “Gonna cry like a little girl?”
“No, sir.”
Frowning at the memory, I abruptly shut the ring box. Reaching for Jennifer’s caffeine pills, I pop one out of the sheet and place it on my tongue. I then use my cold coffee to gulp down the pill. Shoving the ring box back into my pocket, I rise to my feet and begin pacing erratically across the break room floor. I am sick and tired of preparing and waiting. I want to be with Helen for the rest of my life, and I want her to know that now. If only I could get confirmation of the research grant I applied to, I could feel secure enough for the next little while. Maybe even secure enough to get engaged.
Maybe if I could speak to Helen’s father...
Reaching for my phone that lies on the table, I scroll through my contacts quickly.
I just need a little confirmation. I just need a little security, and everything will be okay. Hesitating cautiously for a minute, I finally begin calling Richard Winters. I pace back and forth as it rings, and find myself entering the small kitchenette that is attached to the break room. I lean on a countertop, and finally the older man picks up.
“Liam, son,” he says in greeting. “How's the birthday celebration going?”
“I needed to talk to you, sir,” I say with a small gulp. I try to decide what to mention first: work, or personal matters? I mentally flip a coin before blurting out the most important subject. “It’s about Helen.”
I can almost hear the man stiffening and frowning over the phone. “What about her?”
Placing my hand over the ring box in my pocket, I wonder whether I should do this in person. But if I tried, the older man might decide to take my head off with a chainsaw. I am positive he’d manage to do it in an elegant and gentlemanly fashion, but my head would roll nonetheless. Clearing my throat, I gather every ounce of my courage.
“Sir, I just wanted to ask for your blessing. I’m thinking of asking Helen to marry me.”
There is a pause on the other end of the line. I listen to the silence keenly, trying to figure out what it means. When I am almost certain that he’s going to refuse to give me permission, I rapidly change the subject.
“I also wanted to ask you about the research grant, Mr. Winters. The one you wrote the recommendation for? They've been really slow to get back to me, and I'm getting a little worried. Knowing that I’ll be a bit more financially stable could really help ease my mind before getting married to your daughter. I just want to know if there's any chance you might have heard...”
“Yes,” says Mr. Winters quietly. “Unfortunately, Liam, I never got around to writing you that recommendation. You didn't exactly fulfill your end of the bargain.”
Pausing, I feel my chest muscles tense up in disbelief. “What? You didn't write it?”
“No. Why would I have? You took my daughter away from me.”
“What are you talking about, sir? I have been taking care of Helen, just like you asked. I have been trying my best to be good for her...”
“You said that you would make sure that my daughter and I had a good relationship,” the old man reminds me. “But I haven't heard from Helen in weeks. You have been driving a wedge between us.”
“I haven’t! I swear to you that I haven’t. I have done everything in my power to try to get her to reconnect with her family. It’s Helen’s choice to stay away—mainly because of Grayson. If you understood the whole situation, you would want her to be safe, too.”
“Safe? The safest place for my daughter is with her family! You need to do what I asked, Liam. Say whatever you need to say in order to mend my relationship with Helen. Do whatever you need to do! I am her father, and I know what’s best for her.”
“I don’t know if I can, sir. Helen is an adult...”
“She will always be my little girl, Liam, and I won’t let you take her away from me. If I need to ruin your career to get her back, then I will.”
A violent chill runs down my spine. I know that he actually could hurt me. “Mr. Winters,” I whisper.
“Shut up and listen to me, Liam—”
“No, you have to listen to me,” I say sharply. “I can’t keep lying to your daughter like this! Helen is smart, and she’s going to figure things out.”
“She won’t if you are discreet. I want my daughter back, Liam. If you can’t give me what I want, then I can’t give you what you want. Actually, I can take away everything you’ve ever wanted. I could make you lose your license to practice medicine by informing the authorities that you were sleeping with a patient while she was your patient.”
“That’s not fair, Mr. Winters,” I say in a shaking voice. I hate being manipulated by this man’s power and money. I completely understand why Helen wanted to maintain her distance. Unfortunately, I am in desperate need of his help. “You promised you would use your influence to help me get this research grant. It’s really critical to my career right now, and I’ve done everything you asked. Can’t you just call the pharmaceutical company and put in a good word for me? Is that really too much to ask?”
He laughs lightly. “You want me to help you get successful so that you can marry my daughter and help her build a life that has nothing to do with me? I don’t think so, son.”
My anger begins bubbling up in my chest like a geyser. “Didn’t I hunt Helen down like you wanted? Didn’t I convince her to come back here with me? Didn’t I convince her to stay here even when she wanted to leave? Didn’t I perform the surgery like I promised I would? That was our deal. That’s all. I have gone above and beyond, and risked my job to take care of your daughter—that was never part of our bargain.”
“You accomplished a great deal, Liam. That doesn’t change the fact that my daughter is completely ignoring my phone calls. She might as well be in another country. She might as well be dead to me! And now you want to marry her? She’ll grow even more distant. I’ll never speak to her again!”
“Please, sir,” I mumble, growing exhausted. I can tell that the poor man is just afraid of losing his little girl. I know he’s not evil, but his threats are not helping this situation. “I have tried to convince Helen to reestablish ties with you. I got her to talk to you, didn’t I? Things were going well until she got that letter. That wasn’t my fault. I’m sorry, but she’s very stubborn. Once she sets her mind on something, it’s hard to dissuade her. I have tried my best, but I can’t control your daughter in every way.”
“Liam, I have asked you to encourage my daughter to speak with me. I have asked you to plead my case. I have made sure you were financially comfortable—”
“I know you gave her all that money, sir, and I appreciate that. It has helped us both a great deal, but—”
“Break up with her, Liam,” the man finally says. “This is my final request. Leave my daughter, and I’ll make sure you get the grant.”
I pause before responding, lifting a hand to comb through my hair. There is a sound in the break room, and I assume that Jennifer has returned. I step deeper into the kitchen for privacy. “Are you serious, Mr. Winters?” I say hoarsely. How could he possibly ask me for this? It defeats the whole point of me wanting the grant. If I don’t have Helen, I don’t even need to be successful as quickly as possible. Why am I being forced to choose between my career and my lover? Why can’t I have both?
“Can you do that?” he asks me sternly.
No. Hell no. But maybe I can lie and pretend that I will. Clenching my phone tightly in my hand, I grit my teeth together. “Yes, I’ll do anything. I can’t lose that grant money. I am just getting sick of these games. I can’t keep doing this to her.”
“Just this one final task, Liam. Do as I say, and I’ll make you a millionaire before you’re thirty,” Mr. Winters promises. “Just break up with Helen and tell her that she can’t stay with you anymore.”
“Wait a second. Let me get this straight,” I say softly. “You want me to kick her out? You really think that’s going to solve your problem?”
“It’s the only way. I need her to remember who’s important in her life. I need her to remember that her father’s always going to be there for her when the shit hits the fan. I need you to make the shit hit the fan for me, Liam. Can you do that? Don’t just break up with her—I need you to really hurt her.”
I simply cannot believe what I’m hearing. A little incredulous laugh leaves my chest. Is this man insane? “I see. So you want me to break up with her in the worst possible way, so that she’ll need her father? So that she’ll come running to you? You want me to be a jackass to her, is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. And if I do this, you’ll guarantee that I get my research grant?” I ask in disgust.
“Yes,” Mr. Winters promises. “I’m sorry it has to be this way, Liam. Maybe after I patch things up with Helen...”
I find myself ignoring the rest of our conversation, and just mumbling affirmative answers. I always thought that my own father was the biggest asshole on the planet, but it turns out that even really great parents with good intentions can get twisted up into being monsters.
I thought that it was only a lack of money that could make people cruel and bitter like my father. It turns out that the affluent can become power hunger and and manipulative by being so used to getting everything they want. I hate feeling like a worthless pawn in his game.
I could never break up with Helen, but maybe I could somehow lie and say that I have.
I’ll do anything for that grant. I’m desperate.
Maybe if I can explain the situation to her a little, she could actually help me.
Maybe if I play this game well enough, I can still win.
I just want everything. Why can’t I have it all? Why should I have to choose?
I deserve more than this. I deserve everything.
I’m going to find a way to take it.