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Dear Scientists,

Having recently watched Robert Saddlebow’s television program featuring your project, I am deeply impressed by your research into the Adélie penguins of Antarctica. As a keen admirer of your mission to protect the species—and as an advocate of conservation in general—I have decided that, should your work prove to be as invaluable as it currently appears, your research is likely to inherit a considerable sum of money as defined by the terms of my will. I am therefore intending to visit your site in the near future to furnish myself with further information and to ensure that your work is worthy of such a substantial sum. I shall bring provisions and necessities with me, but I will require a bedroom for three weeks (preferably en suite) and would wish to join you in your studies and penguin observations as much as is convenient.

Yours faithfully,

Veronica McCreedy

Note.

Hello. I am Eileen Thompson (Mrs.) and I’m Mrs. McCreedy’s daily helper. Mrs. McC has asked me to send you this message because she doesn’t do e-mail. Mrs. McC is pretty good mentally, but she does often change her mind, so I’d not worry too much and take it all with a pinch of salt if I was you.

Best wishes,

Eileen Thompson

Dear Mrs. Thompson,

Thank you for your e-mail. I would be grateful if you would forward this reply to Mrs. McCreedy with our compliments.

Many thanks and warmest regards,

Dietrich Schmidt

Dear Mrs. McCreedy,

We are delighted to have your support and very pleased that you are interested in our work concerning the Adélie penguins.

However, conditions in the camp are cramped and extremely basic with few facilities. We have little in the way of hot and cold running water, let alone an en suite bedroom. Whilst we would be delighted to meet you, we would be unable to host you as you suggest.

I am attaching a fact sheet about Adélie penguins that may be of interest to you, and of course any contribution toward their protection, now or in the future, would be more than welcome.

With many thanks for your interest,

Dietrich Schmidt

Penguinologist and head of the Locket Island team

I’m sorry, Mr. Dietrich, to bother you again, but Mrs. McC has insisted that I e-mail you again with this message.

Yours, Eileen

Dear Mr. Schmidt,

Thank you for your prompt and efficient reply. As I mentioned before, your project will benefit by an eventual seven million pounds assuming I am satisfied with my stay at your research center. I have now booked my flights to King George Island and my passage thence by boat with Blue Iceberg Ferries. I shall arrive at Locket Island on 8 December at 8:30 a.m. I would be most grateful if you could send one of your helpers to pick me up and escort me and my luggage to your research center. Please do not concern yourself about my needs. Having lived for the last fifty-three years (out of my eighty-six) on the west coast of Scotland, I have developed a certain toughness and can easily put up with uncomfortable conditions. Eileen has looked up temperatures on your island and tells me that during your Antarctic summer they hover around freezing point, which is not significantly lower than December here in Ayrshire. I shall, of course, pay for my food and lodging while I am with you. A luxury apartment in London, I am reliably informed, costs approximately £400 a night to rent. I shall therefore pay you at a rate of £400 per twenty-four hours of my stay. You mention conditions are basic, so I have no doubt this will more than cover your costs and any inconvenience of having an extra person residing at your research center. I am happy to cover any other unforeseen expenses involving my visit. I will bring with me all my necessary medications and any creature comforts I need.

I am indebted to you and look forward to my stay.

Yours sincerely,

Veronica McCreedy

Dear Eileen,

We are alarmed and concerned at Mrs. McCreedy’s most recent e-mail. While we are extremely grateful for her magnanimous proposal, we cannot host her for three weeks. We are, in fact, not in a position to host anybody, let alone a person of advanced years. Although we have very occasional visitors on Locket Island, this is not a tourist destination, and we are busy every day with our surveys and research. I do not doubt that Mrs. McCreedy’s intentions are generous, and the money she promises is startlingly so, but please could you impress upon her that her plan is simply not practical.

With kind regards,

Dietrich and the Locket Island team

Dear Mr. Schmidt,

I’m very sorry. I really thought Mrs. McCreedy would change her mind. She usually does, but this time she seems quite stuck on it. It’s no good trying to stop her doing anything; it just makes her even more determined. But please, don’t worry. It’s true she is very tough. And ninety percent of the time she is really very on the ball, so I’m sure it won’t be a problem. It’s only for three weeks.

Dear Eileen,

Does Miss McCreedy have any relatives we could communicate with by e-mail? We cannot, of course, prevent her from coming but would certainly not wish to be held responsible for either her health or her happiness.

Kind regards,

Dietrich

Dear Mr. Schmidt,

She has only a grandson in Bolton, but they don’t see much of each other. Here is his e-mail address if you want it.

Dear Mr. Patrick (McCreedy?),

I expect you are aware that your grandmother, Mrs. Veronica McCreedy, has plans to travel to Antarctica with the express wish of visiting our camp. I understand she has already booked her trip, which concerns us greatly. She is welcome to come and look round the field center for an hour while she is here, but I would ask you to explain to her that a three-week or even overnight visit will not be possible, due to our lack of facilities.

Although it is always good when somebody shows concern for the future of our penguins and our scientific mission, we would be very aggrieved should anything untoward happen to her while she is out here. Mrs. McCreedy’s helper, Eileen Thompson, has assured us that she is “on the ball” ninety percent of the time, but that ninety percent may not be enough. I really think your grandmother can have no idea how tough it is here—the cold in itself would be a grave danger to anybody in advanced years, no matter how healthy they are.

I sincerely hope that you are able to dissuade her and explain the reasoning behind the fact that we cannot allow a prolonged visit.

Kind regards,

Dietrich Schmidt (penguinologist) and the Locket Island team

Dear Patrick McCreedy,

I am writing again as, having received no reply to my last e-mail, I am concerned that you didn’t receive it. Please could you contact us regarding your grandmother Veronica McCreedy as a matter of urgency.

Dear Eileen,

We have attempted to contact Mrs. McCreedy’s grandson without success. Please could you inform Mrs. McCreedy that we will be unable to host her on her visit to Antarctica, but we wish her a very pleasant holiday.

Dear Mr. Dietrich,

Sorry you didn’t manage to get through to Patrick. I don’t think it would of worked anyhow. Mrs. McCreedy is very set on the idea of going to see you and your penguins. I can’t change her mind, I’m afraid. She’s really quite independent and stubborn. When you meet her you’ll see. I’m sure everything will be fine.

Best,

Eileen