FELIX HAD TRIED to ask me if I wanted my hair down like this for the wedding, or up, but Ethan had taken him to the side to ask something, so that Ru could get me out of the shop before I cried, or started to scream, or acted like a damn fool. I was upset enough that I forgot about the heels as we stepped out of the shop and onto the cobblestone road. I nearly twisted my ankle and fell. Only a desperate grab at Ru’s arm saved me. Rodina laughed and said, “I can’t believe you are our queen.”
Ru turned with me in his arms, putting his body between me and his sister. I didn’t feel that threatened, but he knew her better than I did, so I clung to Ru and let him work it out. I was still digging out of the avalanche of issues from seconds ago. I’d let Ru take care of Rodina while I figured out how my family issues might impact tonight’s date with Jean-Claude. “She hasn’t had centuries to perfect herself,” he said.
“It’s a spike heel on cobblestones, guys, anyone can trip,” I said, but I stayed where Ru had put me with his arm around me and him between us. I let myself put most of my energy into shoveling the emotional shit that I could feel inside my head and body. Emotions didn’t just live in the head, or the heart, they burrowed down into your gut, they poured over your skin, they filled up your eyes, they spilled out your fingertips and toes. Emotions were everywhere if you just let yourself feel them, and I’d worked hard to learn how to feel instead of stuff everything out of sight until it erupted in rage or made terrible choices. I was concentrating so hard on working my issues that I didn’t hear what Rodina said to me.
“I’m sorry, Rodina, what did you say?”
“I said, have you ever seen us trip, any of us?” Rodina asked, peering around her brother at me.
I knew the us meant the Harlequin. “I’ve seen you all mess up in fight training.”
“We can lose, but that’s not the same thing as tripping on a stone. You are so damn mortal, my queen.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know I disappoint you, Rodina, you aren’t winning any prizes with me either.”
“I feel your pain and confusion, and it hurts me that you are so unhappy, but tonight I simply don’t seem to care.”
“I ask you again, sister, are you fit for duty tonight?” Ru said.
“I can guard her against anyone.” Ru drew me in closer but thanks to the heels I was taller than him for a change, and I could see Rodina glaring at us over his shoulder. I wrapped my arms over his shoulders and gave her very serious eye contact, as I lowered my head and drew in a deep breath of the scent of his skin. It wasn’t just him, but his leopard underneath. Leopard smelled like home to me now, thanks to living with Micah and Nathaniel. Rodina’s glare spread so she looked enraged. The only excuse for what I did next was that I was hurting, and she was hurting, and I’d rather have picked a fight than deal with my own emotional shit. I smiled over her brother’s shoulder and settled myself around him, pressing my body so close that I’d probably compromised his ability to react if we were attacked. It was stupid, childish, but Rodina and I had that effect on each other.
He kept his head turned to see his sister, but his body reacted to the unexpected cuddling not in the usual male way, but by letting go of some tension that I hadn’t even known he was holding, until he settled into my arms and my body like he’d been waiting for someone to hold him. It reminded me of holding his hand in the car, but more intimate. Not sexual, but intimate like someone you trust to hold you and not take advantage. It wiped the teasing smile from my face because I wanted to be worthy of his trust. Playing stupid games with his sister wasn’t trustworthy, or even kind. Ru must have felt the change in my body because he readjusted so that he kept the close contact but moved one arm and one leg to the side so that I could still plaster myself against his right side, but his left was free to move. Both of them were ambidextrous when it came to fighting, as most of the Harlequin were. He stopped letting me hold him for real so he could defend me better.
“Can you guard her against emotional pain, sister?”
“No one can do that.”
“I’m holding her, trying to soothe her, what are you doing to help?”
“I see how much she’s enjoying the soothing,” she said, and she sounded jealous. It wasn’t usually the tone you heard from sisters. I knew she and Ru weren’t a couple, and she seemed to hate me, so what the hell was she jealous of in this moment? Then I fought free of the emotional fallout in my own head and thought what she might be feeling today. Shit.
I stopped laying my head on Ru’s shoulder and looked at her more directly. “I’m sorry you’re hurting, Rodina.”
“You can’t feel my emotions. I’m drowning in yours, but you can’t feel my pain at all.”
“If you’d told Claudia it was your shared birthday she would have understood.”
“Ru, how could you tell her? Her of all people.”
“She held my hand in the car while I cried.”
She stared at us sort of wildly. “You comforted him?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Like I’m comforting her now,” Ru said.
“An evil queen doesn’t need comfort, she needs revenge, violence, not tears and handholding.”
“Mommie Darkest was a sociopath. It kind of limited her emotional range,” I said.
“She was a great power, and you are nothing in comparison!” She shouted it. A couple paused on the sidewalk behind her, the woman clinging harder to the man’s arm. I realized there were more people across the narrow street staring at us. They’d probably been looking at us for a while, but I’d been too busy cuddling with Ru to notice.
“Sister, you are attracting attention.”
She glanced back at the couple and opened her mouth, taking a deep breath as if to yell at them, and then she seemed to remember herself, or at least think better of her behavior. Ru spoke into that silence, “I ask again, Rodina, are you fit for duty tonight?”
Her spine was rigid, shoulders back like she’d come to sudden attention. Her voice was as controlled as her body. “All three of us were bred to be ready, and since our brother cannot be here to prove his worth, I will.”
Rodina stepped away from her brother so I could see her clearly. She made sure that she was standing in front of me when she bowed low and graceful like she should have been wearing something swashbuckling, or at least a hat to doff as she did it. She came up smiling. “May I offer the lady an arm on the uneven pavement?”
The door opened and Ethan came through it. He looked at all of us. “What did I miss?”
“Your duty,” Rodina said.
“Don’t go all dark and twisted again,” I said.
“He was neglectful of your safety,” she said.
“What took so long inside?” I asked.
“Security called from Guilty Pleasures; they want me to bring one of the cars to park in a spot nearer the club.”
“Is anything wrong?” I asked.
“I think they just found a closer parking space, that’s all,” he said.
“By the time I walk back to the car and let you drive me closer, I might as well walk from here,” I said.
“In those shoes?” he asked.
“Yeah, Jean-Claude and I will be talking about the shoes, but I just want inside the club in a chair ASAP.”
“Then allow me to escort you, my lady,” Ru said.
“If someone sees her walking on any man’s arm tonight, especially dressed like this, the rumors will start about you, dear brother.”
“I hate to agree with Rodina, but she’s right,” Ethan said.
“If I escort her it will look like two girlfriends out for a night of fun; any man on her arm is the next rumor. For all the wokeness of your media now, they are still terribly heteronormative.”
“Some of the women in my life are noticing that,” I said.
“Then allow me to protect not only your body but your reputation.” She held her arm out to me in an exaggerated manner.
I looked at Ru; he was studying his sister but finally nodded and moved me forward so I could take Rodina’s arm. I took it and I swear she flexed her arm like she was a guy and wanted to impress me. I understood the moodiness now, even the hostility about their brother’s death and the shared birthday, but it still didn’t give me a clue to where the emotional roller coaster would end. The biggest plus was that it had helped me get a handle on my own roller coaster. Seeing her come so close to losing it while I was wearing shoes that made it impossible to fight or run had put me very solidly in the now, because that’s where you survive. Past trauma is past. I’d already lived through my family’s tender loving care, but if one of the Harlequin truly went apeshit on me, that might not be a survivable moment. I knew Jean-Claude had felt I’d be safe because of the bodyguards, but when one of them is the danger . . . he and I would be having a serious talk about fashion versus safety soon.
“Anita, are you okay with me getting the car and meeting you inside the club?” Ethan asked.
“I’m good, see you inside.”
He looked at all of us one more time as if he was picking up more than I would have seen if the situation were reversed, but in the end he just went for the SUV.
“Since I’m dressed like a butch to your lipstick femme I might as well play the part,” she said with a smile I could only describe as rakish.
“You’re too femme to be butch,” I said.
That earned me a better smile.
“I’ll share my lipstick with you,” I said.
The smile changed slightly, not less or more, just different, but her eyes held sorrow the way they usually held anger. I let go of her arm and her eyes filled back up with their usual cynicism. I got the lipstick out of the tiny designer purse and offered it to her.
There was a moment of uncertainty in her eyes before she took it. Ru handed her his phone with the video on so she could use it as her mirror. She put the scarlet lipstick on and I realized I’d never seen her in anything close to my favorite color of lipstick. I’d seen her in full Goth with black lipstick or nearly colorless lip gloss, but never red. It looked great with the black eyes and dark eyebrows and lashes. Her pale blond hair looked almost white suddenly, as if she was just doing a different Goth color scheme.
“It looks good on you,” I said, and she knew I meant it because she could feel what I was feeling. Those newly red lips curled into a smile that filled her eyes with a fierce joy. I gave her a smile that was equally fierce and said, “Let’s go watch one of the most beautiful men in the world take off his clothes.”
She gave a little shake of her head but was still smiling as she said, “You really don’t mind if other people lust after him.”
“If that kind of thing bothered me, we’d have broken up years ago.” I tucked the lipstick back in my purse and curled my arm through hers. “Let’s go see the show.”
She smiled and flexed her arm for me again. “Whatever my queen wishes, so shall it be.”
I smiled and did my best to believe her and hide my doubts deep enough that she wouldn’t feel them. Next year I’d see that they had their birthdays off.