I WAS ALL READY to pick up a phone and call Jason and just ask, but he texted both Nathaniel and me in a group chat. Don’t call. I’ll call tomorrow.
Nathaniel texted him back, Promise.
I texted, Are you okay? Is there anything we can do to help?
He texted back, I’m okay. No, there’s nothing you can do. I promise I’ll call tomorrow.
I started to text more questions, but Nathaniel touched my hand and shook his head. “Jason doesn’t want to talk about it tonight.”
“But . . . but he and J.J. have been so happy. What the fuck?” I said.
He laid his hand over mine on my phone. “I know, but Jason is allowed to tell us on his own schedule. Boundaries, remember.”
I took a deep breath in and let it out, counting. Nathaniel had been going to therapy for years longer than I had, so he had better habits in certain areas. Boundaries were hard when you could accidentally read people’s minds, emotions, and even damn near trade bodies in the middle of things. Our therapist was asking our permission to write a paper about healthy boundaries in metaphysical relationships.
“But . . .” I wanted to call him to find out what had gone wrong, to ride to the damn rescue, and that was one of the issues I was working on, because you can’t save everyone, but more than that, when you rode to someone’s rescue too soon and too often you stole their chance to rescue themselves, or to learn a lesson so that they wouldn’t keep needing to be rescued by anyone.
“Jason is a grown-up and capable of handling his life, Anita.”
I looked at Nathaniel and wanted to say something so much less adult and full of old habits. Bad ones at that. Jean-Claude joined us. “Is there anything we can do tonight to help Jason?”
I looked up at him and shook my head. I didn’t bother to fill him in because if he hadn’t read my mind, then he’d heard us talking.
“Then let us celebrate our own happiness tonight, ma petite.”
“But . . .” I looked at Nathaniel and then back to Jean-Claude and then finally to Richard, who was just standing there. Anger finally flared; I guess it was actually a positive step that it took this long for me to get pissed when I was frustrated in what I wanted to do. Even as I thought, the rage boiled up like an old friend to keep me from feeling helpless about Jason’s situation. I used to think therapy would fix all my flaws and issues, but that’s not how it works. Therapy gives you better tools to work your issues and build yourself into a better and more complete you, but it doesn’t “fix” you.
“Why are you just standing there?” I demanded of him.
“Because I’m not sure I’ve earned a right to be a part of the discussion yet.”
“You’re in or you’re out, Richard, there is no in between.”
“Ma petite . . .”
“No, let him answer.” Even as I said it, I knew I was being unfair and just using Richard as a target.
“If I came in here tonight and demanded to be a full member of your poly group when I haven’t earned it or talked to everyone, you’d be wicked pissed at me.”
The anger was already leaking away on the ebb of Jason’s sorrow. I realized I was still picking up on it. “You’re right, and I’m sorry I tried to pick a fight. Jason shut off the metaphysics between us, but I’m still getting some of the emotional echo.”
“Do you wish me to help you shield harder against him?” Jean-Claude asked.
I shook my head. “I can cut the noise between us; I’m just worried about him, so I forgot.”
Nathaniel took my hand in his and said, “We can do something fun on our end to send back to him.”
I smiled in spite of myself. “If he’s not getting enough sex that seems mean, he’s not much of a voyeur.”
Nathaniel drew me in closer to him. “Then shield so that you’re not leaking all over each other and then let’s celebrate that we’re happy, Anita.”
I wrapped my arm around him and put my face next to his, breathed in the sweet vanilla scent of him and let go of the tightness that had started to wind me up. They were right, there was nothing I could do to help Jason tonight, and he didn’t want us to interfere, so . . . “What kind of celebration did you have in mind?” I asked, but I was smiling, because I was pretty sure what his answer would be.
“We still need to shower,” Nathaniel said, smiling.