7 Ways To Get A Raise Without Being Pushy

Step 1 – Do You Deserve?

The first, and most important step in this process is this question:

Do you deserve?

Do you deserve a raise?

Do you deserve to be paid more for what you do?

FORGET ASKING FOR MORE AND INCREASING YOUR SALARY—DO YOU EVEN FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE TO BE PAID WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT NOW?

You wouldn’t believe how many people I’ve talked to who want a raise, but when I asked them this question, they don’t even feel like they deserve what they’re being paid right now.

They think, Oh, my God, I’m lucky to have this job. I’m not very good. I don’t have much to offer. I landed it because I have a friend who got me in here, and there’s nothing out there for me. Trust me, I’m really lucky to have this job, and I don’t really believe I deserve it.

This question comes up in all areas of confidence. “Do I deserve X?”

Do I deserve a love? Do I deserve to be well paid? Do I deserve respect? Do I deserve people to want to hang out with me?

There are several major obstacles that block you from feeling like you deserve things in life.

One is low self-esteem. With low self-esteem, we don’t feel good about ourselves. We don’t really see our own value and we don’t think much of ourselves.

The way we appraise ourselves is negative, and so we end up discounting all of our positive qualities.

We say, “Yeah. There’s nothing much. I don’t really have that much to offer in this company. I don’t really have much to offer in this relationship so I don’t really deserve much.”

So this is the first—and most important—thing we need to really examine. Do you deserve?

WHAT CAN YOU DO IN YOUR MIND RIGHT NOW TO REACH A PLACE WHERE YOU BEGIN TO SEE THAT YOU DO DESERVE?

Why would you deserve more?

How can you find that belief that activates something in you that says, “Wait a minute, I do deserve. I deserve!”

Sometimes, just saying that out loud, saying “You know what? I do deserve. I deserve,” can have a powerful effect on your mind.

Is it possible you could deserve just because you’re you? That you deserve things just because you are a human being alive on this planet?

The truth is, regardless of what you have learned, regardless of what your parents and others may have told you…

YOU DESERVE LOVE, YOU DESERVE RESPECT, AND YOU DESERVE TO BE WELL COMPENSATED FOR WHAT YOU DO.

The most powerful shift you can make in this process is to adopt this attitude:

Damn right, I do deserve it!

What we do in step two below will help reinforce this new attitude. You can begin now by simply reading the above sentence out loud. Then again, with more force and conviction. Then again at the top of your lungs.

It’s strange and silly, but how would it benefit you in your life to start believing this a little more?

The reason most of us think we don’t deserve has nothing to do with our ability, our intelligence, or our desire to contribute.

It actually goes back to some old bullshit story you learned a long time ago.

I had one client who’s mother told her this on numerous occasions: “No one is ever going to love you as much as you love them. No one is ever going to want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.”

As I was hearing this, I was cringing and thinking, “Oh, my God. That sounds like some of the worst parenting I’ve ever heard!”

But this stuff happens all the time. And I’ve actually heard much, much worse.

You’re never going to amount to anything.

You’re a total loser.

What’s wrong with you?

God, you’re so lazy!

Perhaps they think they’re motivating their kids or trying to guide them in the world, but it really doesn’t work.

Often times, it’s parents’ own limiting ideas and pain that they pass on to their kids.

That’s where you get the stuff about not deserving. From people telling you this, either directly or indirectly. Perhaps your parents, your teachers, or your peers.

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE IT CAME FROM AS MUCH AS REALIZING IT IS JUST A STORY YOU TELL YOURSELF. IT IS NOT TRUTH.

As Les Brown says, “Don’t let someone else’s opinion of you become your reality or limit you.”

It’s time to stop telling yourself that old bullshit story someone told you. It’s time to step up, be proud of who you are, and own your strength and value.

Which leads us nicely into step two…

Step 2 – Identify Your Strengths And Own Your Value

Identifying and owning your strengths is important for all aspects of confidence—dating, relationships, self-esteem, and business.

Because this eBook is about your salary and value in a business context, think about what strengths you have in this area.

What are your strengths?

What do you do at work that is awesome?

Perhaps it is a technical skill. Maybe you know the database or a program incredibly well.

Perhaps you are great at interacting with people and you can put customers at ease.

Maybe you’re really good at asking the tough questions, or creative and good at problem solving, or visionary and able to see what needs to happen in the future.

What are your strengths?

What do you offer to the people you work with?

Can you identify some of these strengths?

Take a moment to grab a sheet of paper or open up a document file on your computer or phone and write some down now. This gives them more validity, more power.

You begin to honor them. You begin to make them more real…

And you begin to eliminate your habit of discounting them and explaining them away as “nothing much”.

The first part of this step is to identify your strengths, and the second part is to own your value.

We can identify a strength and then not own it. I see this all the time when I am working with someone one-on-one.

When I’m speaking with someone to help them make a shift in their life, I’m looking for their strengths. I’m highlighting their strengths. I’m finding them, bringing them forth, and asking the person to discover these strengths for themselves.

What often happens is they’ll find it for a second and then they’ll immediately squish it back down.

They might say something like, “I am really good at interacting with people at work. People really feel at ease when they talk to me... but that doesn’t really earn any money, and no one can really measure that, so what’s the point of that, right?”

SO OFTEN, WE IMMEDIATELY DISCOUNT OUR STRENGTHS. ARE YOU DOING THAT RIGHT NOW? WHEN YOU CAME UP WITH A STRENGTH, DID YOU SQUISH IT DOWN?

How do you discount your strengths?

One person told me, “I know this database inside and out.”

He really acknowledged the strength for a moment, but then he said, “But other people out there know it even better than I do.”

Sometimes, people state a strength, then they immediately find one moment that contradicts their strength. I am generally kind and giving, but one time, I wasn’t, so I guess I can’t call it a strength… So, clearly, I’m not that good and I don’t really that much to offer.

This happens all the time. You might be even doing it right now.

I used to do this all the time. I still do it sometimes. I have to keep very aware of this exact thing. First, we must acknowledge the strength, and then we must own it.

Seeing a new strength in yourself is like witnessing a sprout growing out of the earth. Instead of stepping on it with your boot, you must water it, nurture it, and help foster it into being something great.

WHEN YOU STOP DISCOUNTING YOUR STRENGTHS AND LET IT REALLY BE THERE, THEN YOU GAIN INCREDIBLE POWER AND HERE’SWHY...

Because then you can begin to use that strength and figure out new ways to put it into practice.

If you acknowledge you are a “people person” and good at connecting with others and then really own this, what might open up for you?

You can begin taking new actions and experiment with new behaviors based upon that strength. You might even tell yourself, “If this is true, then what is possible for me?”

Maybe you have a greater likelihood to go talk with that stranger, or share a story with some co-workers during a break.

Perhaps you will reach out to someone who intimidates you, who you would love to work with. Why not? After all, you are a people person and great at connecting with people.

Can you see the power of this?

But as long as you’re discounting your strengths, you are not taking those actions, you’re not really putting yourself out there in that way, and you’re not taking on new things.

On top of that, it’s really hard to ask for a raise if you don’t think you’re worth it.

This list of strengths will serve you greatly. Even if it never comes up in a conversation with your boss, it doesn’t matter. Because you will know these things and you will carry yourself differently as a result.

In case you haven’t done so yet, take a few minutes right now to write out your strengths.

Make a list of everything you do in your work that is important, everything you offer that is integral, everything that is awesome.

Make sure your list is specific.

One of my Confidence Coaching clients was working in the back end of a company in I.T.

He told me, “Aziz, I’m not out there with the sales team. They do the glamorous work and bring in the customers and the money. I’m just the guy in the back who makes sure it all doesn’t break down.”

“Interesting,” I responded. “Have you ever fixed something big or prevented a major error from occurring?”

“Yeah. That’s what I do. That’s what I do all the time,” he told me.

“Okay, so let’s just take an example in the last month. If you hadn’t been there and those errors had occurred, how much would it have cost the company?”

He paused to think about this, and then said, “Hmm, I don’t know. I mean, if one of these major errors actually happened, it could cost the company $50,000.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed. “That sounds like a lot of money to me. So you saved the company 50,000 dollars in the last month. That sounds pretty damn important to me. Someone can bring in the money but if it just pours out the back end, then there’s no real gain.”

On his list, he then wrote down, “Saved company $50,000 last month.”

Then, we continued writing strengths, assets, and things he did for the company. Each time he stalled out, I asked him to go deeper, to look more.

By the end of the exercise, he had an entire page full of strengths.

He laughed out loud and said, “Oh, my God. I’m amazing!”

He was clearly uncomfortable and making a joke to subtly discount himself. But I didn’t buy into it.

“Yes. You are.”

HE STOPPED LAUGHING AND LOOKED AT ME FOR A LONG MOMENT. I COULD FEEL HIS DISCOMFORT AND HIS DESIRE TO NOT BE AMAZING, TO REMAIN SMALL, FOR ME TO SEE HIM AS NOT THAT GREAT.

Hell, I began to feel uncomfortable then, too. But I held the silence and just looked at him back in the eyes. Because I knew he was an amazing person, an amazing soul.

Eventually, he began to nod his head. Almost imperceptibly, at first, but then he seemed to really understand it. Something clicked.

“Yes, you are.” I repeated. “And that is the exact attitude you need, if you’re going to influence someone to give you more money for what you offer.”

Imagine you showed up to your boss and said this: “I don’t really deserve to be here, I’m lucky to have this job, and I certainly don’t deserve more money. I am not really that good at anything. I mean, there’s a few things I’m okay at, but there are other people who are way better. I don’t really even know what I’ve done for the company. I’m not much… You want to give me a raise?”

How is that going to work?

It’s never going to work!

You must be convinced in yourself before you begin your interaction with your boss.

I’M NOT SAYING YOU CAN’T BE NERVOUS ABOUT THE CONVERSATION. BUT YOU MUST HAVE A LEVEL OF CERTAINTY THAT YOU ARE WORTH WHAT YOUARE ASKING FOR.

If you are certain in yourself, and you are more certain than your employers, then you have a powerful ability to influence them.

Whoever is more certain in a situation has the power to influence the other to see things their way.

Have you ever seen that happen in a conversation with someone?

Have you ever been sure of something, maybe a fact or statistic, and then you began talking with a friend and they were convinced you were wrong. I mean, absolutely certain.

They kept harping on it and eventually said, “Want to look it up? I will bet you 100 dollars I’m right.”

Now you may stick to your guns, and say, “Sure, let’s look it up, tough guy.” But underneath, you might be feeling a little shaky. Was it really that statistic? Am I totally sure of that? Is it worth a hundred dollars? What if I’m wrong?

What is happening there?

Your friend is more certain than you are… and it is influencing you.

Imagine bringing that level of certainty into your interaction with your employer.

It can have a powerful effect. And the way to get there is by identifying your strengths and truly owning your value.

Step 3 – Determine What You Want

Believing you deserve and owning your value will help you become emotionally ready to ask for that raise.

But before you start that conversation with your boss or potential clients, you must be clear on what you want.

You have to know what you want before you engage in a process to go get it.

This is an incredibly important step. It might seem obvious but you will not believe how often people don’t know what they want.

One client I was coaching said to me, “Aziz, I want to be paid more for what I do.”

In response, I asked what I always ask when someone tells me this—why?

Because being assertive, talking with our boss, telling clients a higher fee than we have done in the past…all of this stuff is uncomfortable, isn’t it? Some part of us would just rather avoid the whole thing.

WE NEED A STRONG WHY, A COMPELLING SET OF REASONS TO GIVES US MOTIVATION TO DO THE UNCOMFORTABLE.

So I asked him, “Why do you want to be paid more?”

“Because I have bills to pay, and we are sending our kids to private school. I have this new car to make payments on. I also want to be saving money and have money to go on vacations with my family.”

“Great!” I said. “How much do you need?”

He paused for a while, seemingly confused. “Hmm, I don’t know exactly. More than I have now!”

And that’s as far as most of us get in our minds. We think to ourselves, “I want a raise or promotion,” but we have no idea exactly how much more we want or need.

One man I worked with had tried to get a raise in the past. He worked up his courage and initiated a conversation with his employer. He overcame his fear and asked for a raise…and he received one!

2%.

Now, for some, that is a great increase. It is something that happens 1-2 times per year and leads to a steady growth. For others, they are making a lot and that 2% is a big deal.

For him, it wasn’t. It was dissatisfying. He told me he actually felt insulted.

But he didn’t say what he wanted. He just told his employer he wanted more, so his employer gave him more.

And then he was in an awkward position because he’d asked for more and they were giving him more and he felt like he couldn’t ask for more again. So he thanked them for the raise, even though he felt frustrated and disappointed.

On top of that, it would be more difficult for him to ask for a raise again in the short term. He felt like he couldn’t go back next month and say, “Hey, how about another raise?”

So it’s incredibly important to ask yourself this question—what do I want?

How much do you want to earn?

How much do you earn now? And how much do you want to earn

For example, you might say, “I’m earning a hundred thousand right now a year. I want to earn 150,000.”

That’s a 50% raise.

Now, here’s the thing. Most people:

A. Never determine specifically what they want. Or,

B. Discover what they want and then think, “Oh, my God, a 50% raise?? That’s ridiculous. Why would anyone give that to me? They never give anyone that much. That’s impossible. That’s stupid. I’ll just ask for 5%.”

And then they lower their standard. They say, “That’s too scary. That’s too much.”

But you really have to stick with what you truly want and why you want it. Instead of giving up or lowering your standards, you can choose to become more creative or resourceful.

LET’S SAY, FOR EXAMPLE, YOU WANT A 50% INCREASE IN HOW MUCH YOU ARE EARNING RIGHT NOW…

What you want to start with is a little research. You need to do your homework.

How would that work in your situation? Would that be a raise or a promotion to a different position? What positions are going to be available in your company that you could strive toward?

What kind of initiative would you need to show to draw that kind of attention to yourself?

Secondly, what is the going rate for what you offer elsewhere?

If you’re working in a company and they are paying $100,000 per year, could you earn $150,000 doing comparable work in another company?

Could you go to another company and start at a higher-level position and begin with a salary of $150,000?

INVEST SEVERAL HOURS INTO DOING THIS RESEARCH. ALMOST NO ONE ELSE ACTUALLY DOES THIS. DOING SO WILL IMMEDIATELY SET YOU APART AND POSITION YOU TO RECEIVE WHAT YOU TRULY WANT.

I was working with a coaching client, and when I suggested this to him he said, “Oh, God. I don’t want to do that.”

“Why not?” I replied. “I mean, you don’t have to go take another job unless you wanted. You could just dip your toe in the water… Talk to some people, talk to a headhunter, do a little research on the Internet, talk to some friends and colleagues in other companies, see what positions are out there, send out a few resumes. Just do a little testing of the water.”

And he said, “Oh, no. I don’t want to do that.”

“Why not?” I asked again.

“Because my resume is not good enough.”

And then I realized that we were back in steps 1 and 2. We hadn’t done enough work on overcoming the internal obstacles to moving forward.

I don’t deserve…

I’m not good enough…

I don’t know or own my strengths…

He said it so matter-of-factly, “My resume isn’t good enough.”

He was so serious, I teased him a little to change his state. “Is the font too small or something?”

He laughed, and said, “No, it’s not how it looks. It’s what’s on the resume. Or rather what’s not on the resume. I don’t have enough education, I don’t have enough experience, I don’t have enough previous jobs…”

Ah, I see. We need to go back to step 2 – identifying and owning your strengths, I thought.

So we did that in the session. We pulled out the list he made the previous week and spent some time talking about it. This made him focus on what he did have to offer. Why he is awesome.

But then, he had another objection.

“What if someone in my company finds out I’m talking to other people and then they fire me?”

This one is a common, but unfounded fear. If you are doing great work for a company, not just showing up and putting in your hours but really taking initiative, being creative, doing really good work (which you must be doing to deserve a raise!), then it is extremely unlikely that they will impulsively fire you and lose you as an asset because you are exploring your options.

Have you ever seen the show Mad Men?

Don Draper is the main character. He’s an advertising executive on Madison Avenue in New York in 1950s and ‘60s. He’s being paid a high salary for doing great work. It turns out another company reaches out to him and offers him more money.

His employer finds out about that, and do you know what they do? They bring him into their office and they say, “We really appreciate you here and we really think it’s worthwhile for you to stay.”

They ended up offering him more money.

He actually admits he’s been talking to this other company and that he hasn’t made his mind up yet. He negotiates for more money, and eventually stays at his current company.

So do what Don does…

HOLD YOURSELF IN HIGH ESTEEM. INVEST IN MASTERING YOUR SKILLS AND BECOMING EXTREMELY VALUABLE TO THE MARKETPLACE. THEN YOU WILL KNOW THAT OTHER PEOPLE WILL WANT TO HIRE YOU. THIS GIVES YOU INCREDIBLE POWER.

If you think, I’m not very good at my job. I’m lucky to have this one. Then you are toast…

If that is true, which it probably isn’t, then you need to invest yourself in learning the skills that will help you excel. Engage in deliberate practice. Find the areas you aren’t good in, find someone who’s better than you, and learn from them. Develop yourself.

Usually though, people are good at what they do. They are just undervaluing themselves.

When you do this, you are desperate. I need this job or else I’m doomed…

That mentality drains you of any power and makes you less likely to meet your employer as an equal. You don’t have any leverage. You don’t have any confidence and it’s difficult to ask for more when you are coming from a place of fear and desperation.

So you really have to find what’s out there. Just go for it and explore what your other options really are. Even send an application or two.

One client of mine was being paid a decent salary of about $120,000 a year. He took this advice and ended up getting an interview at another company.

Before he went to the interview, he told me, “I don’t even know if I want to leave the company.”

“Sure, of course,” I said. “Remember, you’re not obligated to commit to anything.”

“In fact, the only thing you’re doing is getting information, and you’re practicing interviewing, which is a great skill.”

He went to the interview and the job sounded pretty interesting to him. But he thought to himself, You know what? It’s a big deal to shift companies. I’ve worked in this place for a number of years. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to make a lateral move. I only want to go if it’s going to be a significant increase in my salary.

Toward the end of the interview, it was clear that the company was interested in him. He said, “This seems very exciting and I love what you do here. However I don’t want to make another lateral move. If I come here, I want to be progressing in my career.”

He then asked for a starting salary of $180,000.

If you're counting, that is a 50% raise.

He told me later that he was actually just throwing that number out there because it was exciting to him and he wasn’t that attached to getting the job. He just wanted to give it a shot.

Without missing a beat, the interviewer said, “Yeah, that’s something we can work with.”

My client was shocked, but kept his cool.

This is something I’ve seen again and again.

WE HAVE THESE HARD LINES IN OUR MINDS ABOUT WHAT IS POSSIBLE OR WHAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. IT’S ALL MADE UP. THERE ARE NO “HARD LINES”.

We have this fear, that if we boldly state what we want, not only will we receive a “no” but that the other person will also say, “What? That is completely outrageous and you are a terrible person for asking for that!”

I’ve been through this process (and still am in it) with the Confidence Coaching I offer.

When I started out, I was transitioning from a traditional therapy model where you charged by the hour. A solid fee for 1 hour of therapy is $150.

So when I first started doing coaching with people, I charged $150 for an hour of my time.

Hell, I remember back when even that seemed like too much to ask, but we won’t go all the way back in this story.

At some point, I realized I was providing a very unique and valuable service. Sure, someone could go see any therapist for $150, but very few therapists had what I had to offer.

I personally spent a decade struggling with the same issues I help people with. I read, study, seek out teachers, go to seminars, and invest in my own training and growth more than anyone I know personally.

I saw clients receive results in their lives that were worth way more than $150. One client I worked with increased his salary by $60,000 a year. That’s a $5,000 per month increase!

So, I decided my services were worth more.

I also switched out of a per-session model and into a monthly fee for regular coaching.

I began by asking for $695 in a month. A slight increase over my usual rate. I was nervous.

Then I jumped to $1,250. This was freaky.

I spent a long time in step 1 – Do I deserve this?

Then I spent a long time struggling in Step 2 – What strengths do I have? What do I bring to the table? Can I really help people transform their confidence level?

All the evidence was a resounding “Yes”, but have you ever noticed how self-doubt can just ignore all the positive evidence?

Then, I jumped to $1,950 per month.

I’ll never forget the first time I proposed this fee to someone. I had decided before our consultation that this was going to be my new fee.

I was nervous about it during the entire call. He was really interested in what I had to offer and stood to benefit tremendously from overcoming his social anxiety. He was starting a new job and poised to double or even triple his income… if he didn’t mess it up.

Then it came down to it.

“This sounds great to me. I’m in,” he said enthusiastically. “What does it cost?”

“The level of coaching we’ve been talking about is one-on-one private coaching and that is $1950 per month.”

It sounded strange coming out of my mouth. I’d practiced it in my car dozens of times, but this time, it was the real thing.

Every fiber in my being was nervous. I could hear his response in my head, “WHAT?? That is absolutely insane!?!? Who are you to charge this much?”

Without missing a beat, he said, “Okay, that sounds good. How do you take payment?”

I felt like a person who was covering their ears and hunching down, bracing for an explosion… but then nothing happens.

“Uh, credit card works fine. Let me take down your information.”

MOST OF WHAT YOU FEAR WILL NEVER COME TO PASS. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Now to be clear, I did not always receive a “yes”. In fact, I have received dozens of “no’s” because of my fee. Dozens.

I’m shooting for a hundred : )

Because, as Rich Litvin says, “Yes lives in the land of No’s.”

I’ve followed this process and kept discovering what I want and asking for it, willing to face rejection again and again.

IF YOU FOCUS ON BECOMING SO GOOD THAT PEOPLE CAN’T IGNORE YOU AND YOU RELENTLESSLY GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT, THEN YOU CAN EARN WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE.

Now people pay me up to $5,000 per month for private coaching and $15,000 for a weekend intensive.

This allows me to have fewer clients and focus more on creating programs to reach more people, provide free offerings (like my Internet Radio Show), and do pro bono work with teenagers.

It all begins with the question—what do I want?

Step 4 – Negotiation Is Not Bad

Once you have determined what you want, then you have to take action to get it.

You will need to have a talk with your employer and inform them of what it is you want. You may say, “I want a 50% increase, or 20% raise, or 10% raise,” or whatever you’ve decided.

And then they say, “Great! We’ve been waiting for you to ask us that. We think you’re amazing and we were actually going to offer it to you without you even asking, but you beat us to the punch.”

Sound delightful? It’s never going to happen.

That’s just how a company works. Employers may appreciate you and value you highly, but they are not going to continually hand out big raises and promotions without people asking.

To get what you want, you have to be assertive and be willing to negotiate. You say 20%, and they come back with 5%. And then you work your way down from there.

WHAT’S AMAZING IS HOW SCARED WE ARE TO NEGOTIATE IN THIS CULTURE.

My dad was born in Pakistan. I was born in United States, but I was influenced by him and his upbringing. In Pakistan and India, negotiation is part of the experience.

If you’re in the United States, the price for most things is fixed. Let’s say you walked into a department store and asked a person working there, “How much is this fancy lamp?”

“100 dollars,” they respond.

“Oh, that’s cool. I’ll give you 70.”

The person would just look at you and say, “It’s a hundred bucks. Do you want to buy it or not?”

There’s no negotiation in so many places here in the United States.

EVEN WHEN THERE ARE OPPORTUNITIES FOR NEGOTIATION, LIKE DEALING WITH SERVICES, CONTRACTS, OR EVEN AT THE FARMER’S MARKET, PEOPLE JUST WON’T DO IT BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE IT’S BAD, RUDE, GREEDY, OR SOMETHING WRONG.

It’s not wrong.

You must shift your entire perspective on negotiation.

It’s naturally. It’s healthy. It’s two assertive parties strongly coming together to discovering a win-win compromise. It’s a game. It’s fun.

I’ll never forget the time I saw how powerful and dramatic negotiation could be.

I was 11 years old and I was with my dad, mom, and brother in India.

My dad decided he wanted to buy a nice silk rug for our living room, and India makes the finest silk rugs in the world.

Families in India have dedicated their lives to the mastery of this craft. They spend hours each day weaving strand by strand into an absolutely incredible piece of art that lasts a lifetime.

And they sell for thousands of dollars, sometimes tens of thousands.

So, one day, we go to the rug district and spend time looking in different shops. Eventually, we end up downstairs in this one fellow’s rug shop, where you can see the family making them in the back.

He showed us a variety of rugs and my parents found one they really liked.

Let the games begin.

The negotiation process took over 1 hour. Literally.

I remember being bored out of my skull as a kid.

There a lengthy discussion of the quality of the fabrics, the mastery of the artistry, the durability.

My dad countered with price comparisons, questioning of if it will really last, how much it actually costs the man to make the rugs.

At one point, there was a tea break and everyone drank delicious chai tea, sweetened with milk and honey.

After an hour of back and forth, there was a dramatic moment where my dad threw his hands up in the air and said, “I just don’t think this is going to work. Let’s keep looking.”

He got up out of his seat and told us we were leaving. We gathered our things and walked for the door. My mom, brother, and I were already outside. My dad was just about to close the door behind him, when the shop owner came rushing out in the street, speaking rapidly in Hindi.

He drew my dad back into the store and so we turned around and walked back in.

Within 5 minutes, the deal was done.

We all got to sign our names on the bottom of one corner. I still don’t know why we did this, but I enjoyed it as a kid.

That rug is still in my parent’s house today. Right in the middle of the living room.

Nowhere during that process did my dad feel say something like, “I’m a bad person. I’m greedy. I shouldn’t be doing this.”

It didn’t even cross his mind. This is just how you negotiated for what you want in this part of the world.

Can you bring that energy with you, when you’re going to go have a dialogue with your employer about a raise?

Negotiation isn’t bad.

What are the stories we tell ourselves, that make us feel bad for negotiating?

First we say, “If I’m negotiating for something, then I’m being pushy,” right?

There’s a feeling that you are demanding something of this other person and somehow putting them out. The reality is, you are not.

You are owning your value and asking for what you want. You are claiming your worth.

Another fear is that you are being “greedy”.

Greed has nothing to do with it. In professions, people are paid well for the work they do.

THE AMOUNT YOU EARN IS NOTHING MORE THAN A REFLECTION OF THE VALUE YOU’RE OFFERING TO A COMPANY, TO THE MARKETPLACE, AND TO YOUR CUSTOMERS.

Any ideas about greed or something being wrong with asking for this much is just a story. Just some conditioning you learned along the way.

It is time to choose a different story.

When you offer more value and are clear about it, then you will receive more in return.

Another fear about negotiating is that to do so will lead your employer to become upset and fire you.

This fear is, again, totally unfounded.

Most of us equate fear with danger.

If I’m afraid, then I must be in danger. I’m afraid to ask for a raise, so asking for a raise must be dangerous. No, it isn’t!

If you’re doing really good work and you asked for a raise, they are not going to fire you.

If that really is the environment you work in and your boss is an impulsive, overly sensitive, reactionary person who fires people for being assertive, then get out of that company as fast as you can.

You do not want to be there for 5 more years. It will kill your soul and teach you terrible things about how to be in the world.

Asking for a raise requires negotiation.

Your employer has this mindset: Bob is a great employee. We love him. Let’s pay him a solid salary so he stays with us. But no more than we need to in order to ensure he’s happy here. This allows us to earn more for our salaries or to re-invest in the company.

As an employee, you have this mindset: I am awesome. You love me. Pay me more for my services.

There is a natural and healthy conflict here. There is a tension point. You both want different things, and that’s okay.

You have to realize that negotiation is not a “bad” thing. It’s just a game. In fact, the whole thing is just “the money game” we all play.

Once you’ve determined you deserve, owned your value, discovered what you want, and are willing to negotiate, then you are ready for the next step—Get Leverage.

Step 5 – Get Leverage

How do you influence your boss? How do you help him or her see that you are a great asset to the company?

The first thing you want to do is find leverage.

Leverage is a term that comes from physics. If you want to move a huge boulder and you just start to push on it with all your might, you won’t get anywhere. But if you set up the right lever underneath the boulder, put a fulcrum on there and then push, all of a sudden, the boulder rolls over without much effort.

A single person can do it. In fact, there is a guy who is building a replica of Stonehenge by himself with nothing but leverage—using fulcrums and levers! It’s pretty incredible. Stonehenge is made of huge multi-ton stones. He’s lining them up and putting them on top of each other all by himself.

Leverage is incredibly powerful.

The question is, how can you get leverage with your employer?

This is where you become a bit of a detective. First of all, who determines if you receive a raise or not? Is it one person? Is it three people?

You must discover the chain of command and find out who is really making the decision. Then, for each person involved in that decision, you must discover what already influences him or her.

Because each person is different, right?

One person might be really focused on the future potential of the company. For him or her, that’s the most exciting thing. And so if you go to that person and say, “Hey, listen. I’ve saved the company a bunch of money,” They might say, “Well, that’s important…” but that’s not really going to influence them.

What’s going to influence that person is saying something like, “Listen, with me here, this is where we can get to in one year. This is how much we can be making, and this is the market we can move into, and this is the influence we can have.”

That person is going to be nodding and thinking, “Yeah. You’re speaking my language.”

TO GET LEVERAGE, YOU MUST DISCOVER WHAT ALREADY INFLUENCES SOMEONE.

What already influences this person?

Is it the future, a vision of what’s possible? Is it the fear of loss?

That really influences a lot of people. In the situation I described above, where my client saved the company $50,000, he can use that as leverage. He can truthfully say, “If it weren’t for me, we would have lost $50,000 last month.”

That could really influence a person.

Perhaps you will discover that someone making the decisions is a numbers person.

They want the specifics, the hard data of how much you did, how much you saved, how much the company has expanded into a particular market.

Do they want the data?

Maybe your employer is a person who is most impacted by evidence. Not just numbers and stats and graphs, but actual tangible evidence. For this person, pointing to specific evidence will influence them the most.

How do you find out what the leverage is for your particular boss?

Pay attention. Listen to what they say. What do they talk about in meetings? What do they focus on? When you see someone sharing something in a meeting, pay attention to what works and doesn’t work to influence your boss. Take notes.

ONE OF THE FASTEST WAYS TO DISCOVER THE LEVERAGE POINT IS TO ASK QUESTIONS.

Have conversations with your boss. Ask them about their focus and goals for the company. What’s next. Discuss decisions and ask what was most important to them in that situation.

People are so often terrified of having a casual, real conversation with their employer or supervisor.

“My word, I can’t simply just go talk to Mr. Burns! He will release the hounds on me.”

If you don’t have access to the highest levels of management, start with your immediate supervisor. Ask lots of questions. Become curious.

Step 6 – Get Face-To-Face

This step is short and simple.

Get face-to-face.

In the hierarchy of communication, the lowest form is the text message…

A few sentences, misspelled words, abbreviations. It’s just a short idea, and a quick back and forth.

The next level of communication is email because you can include more detail. You can share a lot. And you can think about what you’re going to say. But it’s still only one-way communication. It’s just a stream of this is information coming at you. It’s not a connection. It’s not a dialogue. You are receiving no feedback as you’re communicating.

The next level of communication is over the phone. Here, you can actually have a dialogue, you can ask questions, and you can go back and forth. However, you can’t see the person and all the body language is lost.

The highest level of communication is face-to-face.

If you are really committed to getting that raise, then you have to be willing to go face-to-face.

BOLDNESS AND COURAGE ARE REWARDED IN LIFE ACROSS ALL FIELDS—WHETHER IT’S DATING, RELATIONSHIPS, INTERVIEWING, ACQUIRING CLIENTS, OR TALKING WITH YOUR BOSS—COURAGE IS REWARDED AND COWARDICE IS IGNORED.

If you are unwilling to do what it takes, you are just… ignored.

So you send that email and nothing happens.

And then you say, “Well, I asked for a raise. I sent an email and nothing happened.”

To really get to where you want to go, you must take the risk and start having those one-on-one conversations with your boss.

The reason we don’t want to do this is because it’s scary.

Oh, my God, they’re going to be upset with me. They’re going to think I’m pushy. They’re going to fire me…

These are the fears you must walk through. As you take those steps, you will soon realize that most of our fears are completely unreasonable.

Fear does not necessarily equal danger.

This is an error we make all the time. We are afraid of something, and so we conclude it must be dangerous. But there is no correlation between the two. I could be terrified of elevators, or harmless spiders, or my toaster oven.

TO GET WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE, YOU MUST BE WILLING TO WALK THROUGH YOUR FEARS. AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Remember, you deserve this. You have strengths and abilities inside of you that you haven’t even begun to develop. There is greatness within you.

The worst thing they can tell you is “no.”

I suppose if you marched into your boss’s office and said, “I’m going throw a brick through your window if you don’t give me a raise.”

Then, maybe, you might be fired.

But barring any threats to personal safety, the worst thing that can happen is you receive a rejection. You get a “no”.

And if you want to have more success in life—more dates, better options for relationships, more money, higher salary, more opportunities—then you must be ready to receive a lot of “no’s” until you get your “yes.”

Step 7 – Be Persistent

Persistence is an important part of this process.

This is a long-term campaign, a long-term game of strategy.

We all want to have the experience of marching into our boss’s office and saying, “I want a raise,” and our boss smiles and says, “Sure thing! Here you go.”

Although that would be easy, it’s also not the most likely.

THE REALITY IS IF YOU ARE COMMITTED, AND WILLING TO BE PERSISTENT, THEN THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY.

So how do you become persistent? First, remember what you want. Be specific. Find leverage and take the conversation out of email and into face-to-face.

But before you actually have a conversation with your boss about your salary, or about prospective clients about your fees, sit down and write out the most likely objections they are going to have to giving you more money.

In fact, take a moment to brainstorm a few now.

Imagine you asked your boss tomorrow. What would he or she say?

Stop reading for a minute and jot the most likely objections down.

“Oh, we’d love to. We just don’t have the money for it.”

“I can’t make that decision personally. I have to go talk about it with someone else.”

“There’s a bonus opportunity in the company and you will be rewarded if you do X, Y, and Z, so just stick with that bonus structure.”

“We only give raises out at X time of the year.”

“If I gave a raise to you, I’d have to give a raise to this other person or this other division and we just don’t have the money for that right now.”

Brainstorm all the possible objections. If you have no idea what their objections would be, then you are at the beginning of this process. You must uncover what they are.

If you really can’t guess what the objections would be, that means you’ve never engaged in this kind of dialogue with your boss before, and you might need to.

In fact, the first time you talk with them, you might not walk out with the raise.

You might say, “Listen. I think I’m doing really good work here. I helped us get through that last audit, it’s saved the company X dollars, and I will keep handling the audits in the future, and so as a result, I’d like to receive a 10% increase in my salary.”

And your boss says, “Well, that’s great – you do really good work here. We really appreciate it… but my hands are tied. Right now, there’s just no money in the company for increasing anyone’s salary.”

Maybe you don’t know what to say to that. “Uhhh, okay. Thank you.” And you leave.

You might say that was a “failure”.

No. It’s not.

THERE IS NO FAILURE, ONLY FEEDBACK. THERE ARE ONLY RESULTS, AND YOU GOT A RESULT. IT WAS NOT THE RESULT YOU WANTED, BUT YOU LEARNED SOMETHING. YOU DISCOVERED THE PRIMARY OBJECTION YOU WILL RECEIVE WHENEVER YOU ASK FOR MORE MONEY.

It’s only a failure if you say, “You know what? That’s means I’ll never going to get that money because I suck. I give up.”

In my book, that is failure. Giving up after just a few attempts.

Hell, most people give up after one attempt. Literally. One try that didn’t go well and they generalize to their entire future and the rest of their lives.

We all do this. I sometimes do it, too! But it doesn’t serve me, and it doesn’t serve you. Your mind might go there after a rejection, but you must regain your commitment. You must find the determination that exists deep within you to learn, grow, adapt, and try again.

Write down the objection your boss gave you . If you received several objections in a conversation about a raise, even better! Write them all down.

Once you have all the objections you can think of down on paper, take time to come up with responses to each one. Find questions you can ask. Find evidence you can gather.

Find ways to get around each one.

For example, a very common objection is, “That sounds great. You do good work around here and I’d be happy to pay you more. But I don’t make that decision myself. I need to bring it to the executive team and they’ll make a decision.”

And then you never hear about it again. Or the meeting is set for 3 months out… or never.

How could you handle that objection?

Don’t just wait for my response. Come up with one of your own right now! This is how you will really master this area, by engaging your own mind and coming up with your own answers.

You might say, “Well, that sounds great. Thank you for doing that. When does that team meet? When do you imagine I’ll hear back?”

In this case, you are asking them to be more specific, you are receiving clear information about when the meeting is, and when you will hear back.

Similarly, if you get this objection, “I think we should talk about this in three months, at the beginning of next quarter.”, you can say, “Okay, great. Let’s pick a date on the calendar, when should we talk about it next?”

IN THIS WAY, YOU MOVE THE BALL FORWARD, EVEN IF YOU DON’T MAKE A TOUCHDOWN ON THE FIRST CONVERSATION.

The key here is not to just be brushed off or blown off. That might happen to you early in the process, and that’s okay because there’s no feedback, only results. You learn from it and integrate it into your next encounter.

The key here is to be persistent.

Once you’ve found all those objections and you’ve written out responses to them, enroll a friend, girlfriend, partner, wife, or colleague to do a role-play with you.

Hand them the list of objections. Have them play your boss and practice responding to each objection.

Practice how you would handle the conversation. Try out all different kinds of scenarios. Have your friend play it up a bit and be a little cold, short, or critical. Make it a worst-case-scenario type of role play.

Keep doing the role-plays until you are more comfortable responding to objections, asking question, and are generally more badass.

Hell, you could even practice having that person say some of the things your boss would never say but you’re scared of your boss thinking, such as, “How dare you ask for a raise? You don’t even deserve to have this job!”

Your boss is not probably going to say that, I hope. But that’s called the Feared Fantasy technique. By dealing with an extreme worse case scenario ahead of time, you are less afraid to do the real thing.

PRACTICE BEING ABLE TO HANDLE ANYTHING THAT COMES YOUR WAY—CRITICISM, OBJECTION, RESISTANCE, STALLING—THEN GET FEEDBACK FROM YOUR PARTNER.

How did that go? What worked best? What was good in my body language?

Did I seem strong and convincing? Did I seem timid? Did it influence you?

If you where my boss, would that impact you?

If you practice it beforehand, then when you are in that situation, you’re going to be a lot better off—even if you’re nervous.

That’s okay. It’s okay to feel afraid. Fear is there for any of us when we push the edge of our comfort zone. This can kick up anxiety, insecurity, shyness, or self-doubt.

But fear does not have to hold you back in any area of your life.

Fear does not have to be a cage. It can just be an energy you work with, that you move forward in spite of.

The physiology of fear is actually identical to excitement. Increased heart rate, sweating, rapid breathing, and constriction in the chest and stomach.

Am I nervous or excited?

The key to dealing with this energy is to take decisive action.

WHEN YOU ARE SCARED OF SOMETHING AND YOU TAKE DECISIVE ACTION AND MOVE TOWARD IT, IT CHANGES YOU. DO THIS ENOUGH TIMES AND IT TRANSFORMS YOU.

Apply these steps.

Begin by asking yourself this question: Do I deserve?

Sit with that until you can start to feel like the answer is “Yes”.

Then identify your strengths and own your value. Discover and reinforce what you can offer your clients or your company. Be specific and write them down. Make an extended list. Make a three-page list, even if you never show it to anyone else. It just feels good and it strengthens you.

Then, you have to determine specifically what you want. Clarity is power.

When you are clear on what you want, you’re much more likely to receive it. Start high. Aim for what you want. Become creative in ways to get there. Find out what opportunities there are in other companies. Do your research and your homework.

Remember, negotiation isn’t bad!

Prepare yourself for a negotiation process, for the game of influence.

Can you change your perception so it goes from a terrible, scary, awful, potentially life-threatening situation, to just like two guys negotiating over the price of a rug. It’s just a back and forth. It’s just a conversation. It’s just a game.

What can I get out of this? What can I learn from this?

Then, you want to find leverage. Find it in your boss, the decision makers in your company, or potential clients who will pay you directly.

What is it that’s going to influence them to make that shift?

Remember, best way to find this is through questions. Ask them about what they value, what they perceive is most important for the company.

Then you need to muster your courage to take it face-to-face. Forget the emails. They won’t work.

IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE, BOLDNESS AND COURAGE ARE REWARDED. COWARDICE IS IGNORED.

Avoiding the conversation or choosing to do it over email might produce a feeling of relief in the short term. Relief from not having to do something scary.

That feels good for a moment but nothing ever comes of it.

There’s the pain of facing your fears and then there’s the pain of missing out on life. The pain of regret. Which pain is worse?

I spent many years of my life avoiding. Choosing the pain of a life not fully lived. A life of “should have’s”. A life of regret.

At one point in my life, I made a decision. I decided to choose the pain of facing my fears instead.

I’ve chosen that way ever since and my life has magnified beyond anything I would have imagined.

APPROACH WHAT YOU ARE SCARED OF. FACE YOUR FEARS, AND LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

And finally, remember through this process that you are in a long-term game. This is not a single battle, this is a campaign.

Find your conviction that you do deserve this. Whoever is more certain in an interaction will influence the other.

Practice the role-play with a friend until you are able to skillfully respond to anything that comes your way.

That’s the last final thing I want to leave you with, which is once you’ve really done these things and really got this into your body and your mind, you have to take action. If you watch this training and say ,“Oh, great. Okay.”

As we reach the end of our time together, I want to offer you one last thing.

Right now, you have an opportunity. A door is open to you, and you have a choice.

You can choose to apply these steps and put them into action immediately. Literally. You can do the written exercises and brainstorm objections. You can even call a friend into your office or email him or her to set up a time to do the role-play.

Or, you can wait. You can say, “That was really inspiring. I’ll try and work on this stuff over the next few months.”

Do so at your own peril, my friend. I put my life off for 10 years, waiting and hoping things would somehow change without me having to do the work and face my fears.

It didn’t.

A person can choose to really invest in themselves, to say, “You know what? I am going to take action because nothing is going to get me there faster than beginning right now.”

I suggest you start right now : )

The faster you take action, the faster you get the results you want.

The sooner you get the salary you desire, the salary you deserve.

The sooner you will have the feeling of pride and accomplishment that comes from knowing you stepped up, met your employer as an equal, and are being compensated well for your work.

I wish you all the best my friend, and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are.

Your Confidence Coach,

Dr. Aziz

Please let me know how this eBook impacts you in your life. I want to know what you applied in your life, and I love hearing success stories!

You can email me at DrAziz@SocialConfidenceCenter.com