I TOOK Val to the theater with me on Sunday to take his mind off what had happened and to keep an eye on him. “You haven’t said more than ten words all afternoon,” I told him gently.
Val shrugged, but he didn’t argue with me. I didn’t blame him for being upset, but it still worried me that the Val I loved seemed to be hidden away. “I just want to curl into a ball,” he said.
“You can’t,” I whispered to him when the play blessedly reached intermission. I was about to ask him if he wanted to leave, but he sat back in his red theater seat and stared up at the ceiling. I did the same, admiring its evocatively cracked plaster. The theater had been built on a Moorish theme, but it had degraded into Moroccan maudlin over the years.
“I know.” Val rolled his head to face me. “What gets me is that I liked him. I’ve dated assholes before, but this guy got in under my bullshit radar. I keep wondering what would happen if someone does it again.” He shivered, and I hoped to hell it was the overenthusiastic air-conditioning.
“Dating sucks sometimes.”
“Says the guy who’s made the catch of the year.”
I rolled my eyes. “Please.”
“Think about it. He could have run when all that went down last night, but he didn’t. He helped and scared the crap out of Rod.” Val sniffed. “He brought me water and tea and made sure I was safe, so if you don’t want him, can I see if he’s interested?” Val wiped his eyes and sighed. “Why bother? He only has eyes for you… and other things, if what I heard in the middle of the night was any indication.”
“It’s lust, and he thinks I’m fun. I like my time with him, but I doubt it will ever be more for him, and I won’t have my heart shattered again by some drop-dead gorgeous guy who only wants a little fun.”
Val humphed. “Well, all I want is a nice guy who’s hot. You got one, and….” He shook his head.
“Let’s not talk about Beckett or Rod. We’re out at the theater, so how about we enjoy this lackluster play and see if we can find a diamond in the rough somewhere.” I smiled, and he nodded, some of the gloom lifting as the lights dimmed.
“Fine,” he whispered. “But when are you going to see him again?”
“Thursday,” I answered with a smile. It was nice seeing a little of the Val I loved beginning to peek through once again. He was in there beneath the now-livid bruises. They would fade over time, and so would the hurt and doubt, but things like that sometimes left scars that weren’t visible, possibly deep ones, and all I could hope was that they would fade as well as the outward signs.
THE SECOND act was only slightly less dreadful than the first. The actors weren’t bad, but whoever’s brother-in-law had written the play should have been taken out and shot for crimes against drama. The best part was when the actress playing the villain, dressed in a long cape with a train, had the hero on his knees, begging. Fortunately for the audience, he knelt on the edge of her cape and when she walked away… yoink. Just like a cartoon. We all laughed, hard. Thankfully she wasn’t injured, but the incident clearly unsettled her. It was a shame. If she’d remained in character, it could have been powerful. Instead, it was pathetic, but very funny. She did finish the play, but the spark she’d had was gone.
When the lights came up, we left our seats. “Is that the guy from your office?” Val asked. I looked where he pointed and saw Garren leaving the theater. He saw me and hurried away. “What’s up with him?”
“We all scout for potential talent. There’s nothing to stop him.” However, the look he flashed left me cold and I moved closer to Val.
“There’s something wrong with that guy,” Val whispered. I felt him shaking. “Let’s get out of here. I don’t want him anywhere near me.”
“I know he’s a little off, but the guy isn’t dangerous. I work with him every day.” I gently took Val’s arm and coaxed him toward the exit nonetheless. As we approached the doors, Garren caught up with us.
“Did you see anything interesting?” Garren asked. He shifted his gaze to Val. “Three different men in as many days.” He raised his eyebrows, and I seethed inside.
“Val is a friend, and we were out as friends, nothing more.” I guided Val away. He was getting more upset, his arm shaking, and I hoped he wasn’t having a panic attack. “We have a reservation in a few minutes,” I lied, but I didn’t care in the least. I had to get Val outside.
He sucked air hard as soon as we were on the street. The crowd moved around us. Once we got to the corner, I hailed a cab and got Val inside. After giving the driver the address, I pulled the door closed and the car sped into traffic.
“Sorry. There’s something about that guy….”
“It’s all right.” I watched out the windows as we cruised the streets of Manhattan. Well, as much as possible in a cab fighting all the traffic signals. Val calmed down, and by the time we reached our building, he was breathing normally and his eyes were a lot less saucerlike.
My phone rang as we got out of the cab. I fumbled with it as I paid the driver. “Hello,” I answered absently, the phone between my shoulder and ear as I closed the cab door.
“Is everything all right?” It was Beckett. Even his phone voice sent warmth through me. This had to stop, because I could easily get used to his voice and the thrill of his simplest touch. I knew in my heart that Beckett would wake up eventually, some more interesting guy would come along, and that would be it.
“Yes. I took Val to the theater. He got a little upset, but we’re fine.” I followed Val inside and we went upstairs. Val unlocked the door and peered inside before stepping into the apartment.
“I wanted to make sure the guy from last night hadn’t shown up again.”
“He hasn’t, but Garren was at the theater acting weird.”
“What did he do?”
“Nothing. Just acted like an ass.” I wasn’t going to go into the details. “Val is still pretty shaken up. I was hoping an afternoon out would be good for him. I think he had a good time, but he’s skittish, and that’s not like him.”
“You do realize it’s going to take him more than a few hours to get over what happened, right?” Beckett said. “He was attacked in his own home by someone he liked. That’s enough to upset anyone. Now he doesn’t feel safe, and the one place he should has been violated.”
“Yeah. I know you’re right.” I followed Val into the apartment.
“There’s no need to talk about me like I’m not here,” Val sniped as I closed the door.
“I’m not. Beckett was wondering how you were doing.”
“That’s nice. Tell him I’m fine and that I want to be alone for a while.” He plopped down on the sofa and pulled a light blanket over himself, holding it like a shield. “I’m just going to watch television and heat something up for dinner. Go on and have some fun. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Can I call you back?” I asked Beckett, and I ended the call after he agreed. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked Val after setting my phone on the table.
“Yes…. No….” Val lifted the blanket until it was up under his chin, leaving only his head and a shock of blond hair visible. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. I feel like shit, and I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. The theater was nice, but then I saw that Garren guy and I wanted to run home, except what if Rod was waiting for me?”
“You know, you aren’t alone,” I told him, sitting on the edge of the sofa against his legs.
“What are you going to do? Move in here with me?” Val shook his head. “Somehow I have to figure out how I can go back to work tomorrow and be surrounded by people.” He gasped. “What if Rod shows up there?” He shook like a leaf.
“Tell your boss and he’ll take care of it. You have people to support you.”
“Maybe,” Val admitted, calming enough that the sofa didn’t shake any longer. “You should go now and let me be for a while. I’m only going to watch television.”
“I let you have a drink with lunch, but remember your promise,” I cautioned. “You know I’d get way too much pleasure out of giving you those noogies.” Val actually smiled for a second. “Call me if you need anything. I’m working on some scheduling for the week, so I’ll be home.”
“Go out, do something,” Val told me. “At least call Beckett back and arrange to stay in, have fun.” The light in Val’s eyes lasted only a few seconds. I stood and decided to take him at his word.
“I’ll go as long as you promise to call in a few hours.” I hugged him before leaving the apartment. I pulled the door closed and heard Val throwing the locks as I started descending to my place. I returned Beckett’s call once I got inside. He asked about coming over, and I agreed to order a pizza. It seemed I wouldn’t get much work done, but that was okay. I figured I’d have as much fun with Beckett as I could while it lasted.
The door buzzer sounded, and I peered out the door, expecting it to be either the pizza man or Beckett. Instead I saw red when I realized Rod was standing outside the door. I had no intention of letting him in. I wondered why he was ringing my door in the first place. Maybe he’d rung them all to see if anyone would let him in.
I grabbed my phone. “Beckett,” I said as I closed the apartment door. “Rod is out in front of the building, and he’s going to get in if anyone opens the door.”
“I’m on my way,” Beckett told me.
“Val will freak out if he sees him.” I opened my door once again. Rod peered through the glass, and I shook my head, letting him see the phone. I didn’t much care who he thought I was calling. I wanted him to go away.
“I’m approaching the building. Stay inside.” He disconnected, and of course I got pissed at him for telling me what to do. So I did the opposite. Once Rod stepped away from the door, I went up to the glass to see what was happening.
“I said to stay there,” Beckett called when I opened the front door.
“Bossy much?” I shifted my most withering gaze from Beckett to Rod. “How dare you come here!” I demanded. “After what you did last night. I spent the day trying to calm him down. He’s scared of his own shadow, and that’s because of you, and you have the cojones to show up here again?”
“I didn’t realize what was happening. We went out and I remember asking him to go dancing. Then the next thing I know, the room is spinning. We sat down, and Val asked me back to his place. I felt weird, and by the time I got to his apartment, I….” He looked down at the ground. “I don’t know what happened after that. I remember being with him and then Beckett here throwing me out, but I don’t know why.”
“That’s bullshit if I ever heard it.” I crossed my arms over my chest and turned to Beckett to see if he was buying any of this. To my surprise, he seemed to be, which only fueled my anger further.
“Is Val okay?” Rod asked.
“No. You left a trail of bruises all over him. He slept on his sofa last night because he can’t sleep in his own bed right now. So I suggest you go away.”
“I think I was drugged or something. You can ask anyone who knows me—I’m not a violent guy. I was in the Army for a while, and I swear all I keep remembering about last night was being back in combat. It’s so strange, like the evening was ripped out of some memory, and I was transported back there and then home again.”
“Look. You better give Val some room. He’s hurting right now,” Beckett said. “Pay will tell Val what you said when he thinks he’ll be able to handle it. Until then, you need to leave him alone.”
“I only came because I wanted to make sure he was okay. I had flashbacks and things after I came home from Iraq, but I thought they were under control. I guess not… and last night felt like one.” Rod sighed. “If nothing else, please tell him he didn’t do anything wrong and that the things I remember about being with him were very nice.” Rod turned away and slowly shuffled down the sidewalk, head down.
“Damn, that’s one hell of a thing.”
I took a step down until I was chest to chest with Beckett. “First off, if you buy that shit, you’re a fool. You saw what happened, and I’m not going to tell Val anything.”
“Don’t you think Val has a right to know? At least tell him the part where Rod said that none of what happened was Val’s fault. It might help him feel better. Secondly, I told you to stay inside. What if he hadn’t been that docile?”
“Let’s get something straight, Mr. Huntington.” I poked my finger to his chest. “Just because you’re as big as a brick outhouse, that doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do.”
“Even if it’s for your own protection?”
“I’ll decide what I need. I might not be as huge or as intimidating as you are, but I can take care of myself.” I shook with fury.
Beckett took my finger, and I braced for him to get angry. Instead, he took my hand in his other one and held it gently. “Sometimes you can be so prickly.” He brought my fingers to his lips. “I don’t want you to get hurt, and I was only protecting you. There’s no need to get all twisted up.” He then sucked on one finger and then another. “One of the benefits of being as big as I am is that I rarely get into an actual fight. Other guys are intimidated and back off.”
“What are you doing?” I asked as he sucked two of my fingers between his lips.
“Giving you a preview of what could happen if you’d let go of that anger of yours.” He chuckled softly. “Are you always so full of piss and vinegar?”
“Yeah. It comes with having nothing and trying to make something of myself. You have to be willing to work hard and not take no for an answer.”
A throat cleared from behind us. “I have a pizza….” The guy was clearly trying not to look.
“For Payton?” I asked.
“Yes.”
I stepped away and ran inside to get my wallet. When I came out, Beckett held the box and the deliveryman was nowhere to be seen.
“I took care of it, and he scurried off like a scared rabbit.”
“You can be a little much for some people,” I told him, shaking my head when he scowled. “Use it to your advantage.”
“When I do, you yell at me.”
“Only when you use it on me. Intimidating assholes and others is okay. Just don’t try to use your size with me. Not that it will work. I know you well enough now.”
Beckett humphed. I unlocked the front door and we went inside.
“Are you going to tell Val about Rod?” Beckett asked.
“What about him?” Val asked as he came down the stairs.
I groaned. “He was here, but we got rid of him,” I said.
“Did he say anything?” Val came down the rest of the stairs, and I closed the apartment door after motioning him inside.
“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it with you now. He did say to tell you that what happened wasn’t your fault and that you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Oh….” Val said. “Then why did he act like that?”
“I don’t know. He claimed it was a combination of someone slipping him something and post-traumatic stress. I told him he needed to leave you alone.”
“For what it’s worth, I think he was telling the truth,” Beckett said, and I growled. “Pay isn’t convinced.”
“He said he came back to make sure you were okay because he couldn’t remember what happened very well. He said that for part of the night, he thought he was back in battle,” I explained.
“Oh,” Val said, a little more brightly than I would have expected. “That makes me feel better, a little.”
“You do?”
“Well, yeah. I kept thinking everything was my fault somehow. It wasn’t, I know that, but I still kept wondering.” I glared at him. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to go out with him again, but if that’s what happened, then I hope Rod gets the help he needs.” Val looked longingly at the pizza box, so I pulled out some plates while they sat down on the sofa. I got some iced tea and brought in glasses. Then we ate. Val inhaled the food. I was grateful I wasn’t too hungry because Val seemed ravenous and finished off the last of the pizza.
“I should go,” he said sheepishly. “Now that I’ve eaten your dinner.”
“It’s fine. I’m glad you were hungry.” It was good to see him doing something other than mope. “Go on and get some rest.”
“Do you think I should talk to Rod?” Val asked.
“You can if you want to,” Beckett answered. “But I think Pay is right. Take some time and make sure you’re okay. He has his issues, and you already brought them home once. You don’t need to do it again.”
Val stood. “I just thought I’d found a nice guy.” He sighed and moved to the door. “You’re right, though. It’s best if I let this go.”
“I don’t know what’s best for you, and neither does Beckett.” I stood and hugged Val tightly. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“I know. I want you safe too.” Val looked over at Beckett. “I think you’ll be more than safe with him around.” Val leered, and I was glad to see some of his humor coming back. “Just keep it a little quieter than last night.” He patted my cheek. “You have quite a set of lungs on you.”
I groaned as Val left the apartment, closing the door behind him. “I was surprised you called.”
“Why?”
“Well, I keep wondering what you must think after last night and then today. My life is becoming much more dramatic than I ever expected.”
“With what you do for a living, I’d think you’d enjoy some drama every now and then.” He grinned, and I knew what was coming next. I wasn’t disappointed. “Do you know what I like most about this place?” Beckett prowled closer. “Nothing is very far from your bed.”
“You have a one-track mind.”
“Are you complaining?” Beckett tugged me to him.
“I need to get all this cleaned up.” I pulled away and gathered the trash and plates, then took them to the kitchen. “Don’t look at me that way. I know that once you get down to action, we aren’t going to get anything else done all evening.” Hell, it wasn’t likely I would even be able to think. “And you need to be up early because of your rehearsals, so I think we should get to bed early, and the thought of cleaning up later isn’t appealing.” I rinsed the dishes, keeping an eye on Beckett as he hovered impatiently nearby. It was fun as I slowed my pace and saw him shifting his weight from foot to foot, sighing every few minutes. “Any task worth doing is worth doing right.”
“Is that so?” Beckett strode over, and I squeaked like a kid when he lifted me off my feet and into his arms. “Well, then, I’m making an exemplary task of taking you to bed,” he told me, his voice a deep rumble. I had a smartass retort forming on my lips, but he kissed it away. Then he laid me on the bed. “You listen this time. I need to lock the door and turn out the lights. You are to be naked by the time I get back.” He kissed me again and then pressed his lips to my ear. “I’m going to suck you so hard and long your brains will turn to mush. Then I’m going to eat your ass until you beg me to fuck you into tomorrow. If you have any problem with that plan, you best tell me now.”
I swallowed and shook my head. When he stepped away, I scrambled to get my clothes off, like he said. The lights clicked off as I removed the last of them, the city light from between the curtains providing just enough to see by. The city had taken some getting used to—the constant background noise that permeated everything and the constant light that shone everywhere. I was glad of the light at that moment, because I got to see Beckett remove his shirt and then his pants. “Turn around,” I whispered, and Beckett faced the wall. I sat on the edge of the bed and tugged him closer before sliding my hands down his rippling back and over the curve of his incredible, perfect bubble ass. He turned slowly back to face me, his hip passing under my hands. When he faced forward, his cock pointed directly at me, and I wasted no time.
Beckett groaned deep in his throat as I sucked him, threading his hands into my hair. I loved how I could make him whimper and groan, like I had power over him. He bent forward, his cock slipping from my lips. Then he held my cheeks gently in his hands and kissed me, pressing me back on the bed. I went where his lips and mouth guided me. No words were needed. Beckett had an amazing ability to communicate what he wanted without making a sound. Once I rested my head on the pillow, Beckett pulled back and met my gaze with his fiery one before breaking contact and sliding down my quivering body. I wanted to watch, but I ended up closing my eyes, the sensation and excitement just too much.
He took my cock into wet heat, sucking me just the way he’d said he would, deep and hard. He had this thing he did, keeping my cock at an angle so his lips added more pressure, and damn if that didn’t have me panting within seconds. When I was shaking hard with the need to come, trying to stave it off, Beckett pulled back and lifted my legs. My cock was still jumping when he scraped his tongue over my opening. I whimpered as he went deep. He’d promised me the rimming of my life, and that’s what he gave me.
He gave me time to catch my breath as he rolled on the condom, and then he took it away again when he stretched me open and entered me with amazingly controlled force. I never wanted this to end.
“Did I keep my promise?” Beckett whispered against my lips, buried deep inside me, unmoving at the moment.
“You always do,” I answered breathily. I realized it was true. He did what he said he was going to do, and he kept promises he made.
“Just remember that,” he added as he slowly began moving again.
“Jesus!”
“Don’t scream to him.”
“Beck!” I cried, and he shifted the angle, sending waves of ecstasy racing through me.
“That’s better. Tell me what you want. Let me know what I mean to you.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him as the power of his thrusts sent ripples through me that I transferred back to him. Time had no meaning when we were together like this. Minutes or millennia were the same. He played me like a fine instrument, up and down, rest to crescendo, in a way that could have gone on forever, but my body had other ideas, and when Beckett stroked me, I came within seconds, Beckett following right behind.
I couldn’t think straight. Thank God Beckett held me all through it, grounding me while my mind flew in a million amazing directions. Then it settled and I was back in Beckett’s arms.
A single tear escaped my eye, and I felt Beckett catch it with his thumb.
“Why?” he whispered.
I shook my head, blinking away the remainder that threatened. “It’s nothing.” At least it was nothing I could do anything about. I held him closer, knowing deep in my heart what was coming and what I was going to have to do. I hugged Beckett tighter and gasped when he slipped from inside me. I wanted him to stay there as long as possible, but nothing, no matter how good, lasted forever. Beckett climbed off the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. I heard water run, and when he returned, he handed me a warm cloth. I wiped my skin and dried it with the towel, blinking as Beckett returned to the bathroom and then came back.
“Is what’s between us real to you?” Beckett asked once he’d settled in bed again, tugging me to him.
“I don’t know.” That was a bald-faced lie and I knew it. There was something real between us. No one had ever made me feel the way he did. Just knowing he was on his way over had sent a rush of excitement through me, and it wasn’t just because he was amazing in bed. The excitement came from seeing him and being with him. That was what made the time we spent together special.
“You don’t?” Beckett said, and my heart clenched at the slight break in his voice. “You don’t know what I feel for you.”
“Beckett, I’m sorry. I never should have let things go as far as they did. I’m your agent and you’re my client.” Damn, this was so much harder than I ever imagined. But I’d be a fool to let this go on between us. “If Claude finds out that we’ve been seeing each other like this, I’ll lose my job.”
Beckett released his hold on me and rolled onto his back. “So this was just some kind of game for you? I hurt you in high school, so you tried to see if you could get back at me?” He sat up quickly.
“No. It was never that.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat as I saw the most amazing connection I’d ever had with anyone wither and die right in front of my eyes. “You have an amazing career ahead of you, and I really like my job and want to keep it. I also want to see your career take you everywhere you want and deserve to go. I can’t do that if I lose my job.”
“I see.” Beckett looked at me over his shoulder, and his face caught a stream of light from the window. His eyes were wet.
I couldn’t watch any longer or I’d lose my nerve, which was hanging on by a thread at the moment.
“For the record, I think you’re so full of shit,” he said. “This is all about things that happened years ago, and you know it.” He stood and began yanking on his clothes with such force that I swore stitches gave way. “Was there some grand plan to hurt me? To get even for the stupid things I did when we were in school? That was years ago, and I thought you had forgiven me, that we’d moved past all that.”
“I have. But maybe you’re the one who hasn’t moved beyond the past. I can’t have a relationship with you, no matter how much I might want to, without losing my job. You have to understand that this is the best thing for both of us.” All I could think at the moment was how my heart broke when he turned to me, the despair on his face telling me more than anything else. He cared about me—he might even have loved me given time—but that was clearly over, and I was throwing it all away… had thrown it away.
“I should go. You’ve said enough for one night, and I need some time to think.” Beckett buttoned his shirt and sat in the chair to put on his shoes and socks.
“Don’t forget you have your rehearsal tomorrow. It’s your first, and you need to be sure you’re at the top of your game.”
“That’s all you really care about, isn’t it?” Beckett stood and stepped closer. “You know I would have given up any part, hell, I would have given up the theater altogether and never set foot on a stage again if you’d asked me. I love the theater more than anything. Well, I thought I did until I met you again.”
I tugged the sheet around me, feeling exposed and more than a little cold, wanting to sink through the floor under Beckett’s withering gaze. Suddenly what I’d been so sure of a few minutes ago seemed shaky. I couldn’t take back what I’d said, but I wanted to more than anything. No one had ever been willing to give up what they loved for me, and I hadn’t been willing to do the same for him.
“I’ll see you later, and don’t worry, I know what’s truly important to you. I won’t let any of this get in my way. Rehearsal will go well, and I’ll do whatever they ask.” Beckett unlocked the apartment door and pulled it open, light flooding in from the hall. “I’ll see you—” I heard that break in his voice, and he said nothing more.
“Beck, I—”
But the door closed before I could finish what I wanted to say.
I stared at the door, pulling the pillow to my chest. He was gone, and yet with each breath, I got more and more of his scent. It was on the pillow I was holding, and I placed my face to it, filling my nose with all I had left of Beckett.
I threw the pillow back on the bed, wondering what I’d just done. Beckett was gone from my personal life, and I felt as empty as I could ever remember. My head told me I’d done the right thing, but my heart—I knew it would ache for a long time. I was a fool and now I was a lonely one. I lay back down, pulling the covers over me, but the bed was too big and empty. Beckett was gone, and I had been the one to push him away. I wanted to talk to Val, but he was hurting as well, and I couldn’t dump my stupidity on him. So I stared up at the ceiling, determined not to cry like a stupid little kid. It didn’t work. I lay there, tears running from my eyes, knowing I’d let an amazing person slip through my fingers.
Eventually I fell asleep and dreamed of Beck. We were at the show, laughing at the drag queens’ antics. Then, suddenly, the scene morphed and we were back at my apartment, Beckett forceful and gentle at the same time, taking me to heights that left me breathless. I woke with a start, throbbingly hard. But that lasted only a few minutes. I remembered that the bed was empty and Beckett was gone. I had him now only in my dreams—and it was my own fault. I had pushed him away, for all the right reasons, I believed, but still… he was gone. I should have known I couldn’t have it all. Everything had a price, and being involved with a client was not something my job allowed. I told myself it was better this happened now rather than later, when things were even more serious and the separation more painful. Still, it seemed painful enough already.
THE FOLLOWING morning, I dragged myself into the office. I hadn’t slept well at all. I kept thinking about Beckett. Mostly I wondered how I had let him get under my skin, but I had and he’d touched my heart. I had to put on a brave face and get on with my work. It was what kept me going, so I went right to my office, glad I’d gotten in early.
“You had some weekend,” Garren said, sticking his head into my office.
“What do you want?”
“I keep wondering what the guy you were with on Saturday would think of your date on Sunday? I know nothing happened when we were out, but the Sunday guy was quite cute.”
“You’re such a pig,” I hissed softly. “Why are you acting like this, anyway? We went out as colleagues, and you made a scene. Why do you care who I go out with or why?”
Garren ignored my question. “What I want to know is if you’re involved with one of your clients. And judging by the rings under your eyes, I’d say you were having a great deal of fun with someone.”
“Things with Beckett are strictly professional.” I could say that truthfully now, even if it made my heart ache just to say the words. “Now, I have work to do, and you probably do as well.” I turned away and checked the list of phone calls I needed to make. Garren left, thankfully, and I got to work.
I managed to contact Tulane Highway—Damon—and through him Penny Candy, aka Carl, and set up appointments for them to come in that afternoon.
The staff meeting was scheduled at noon, and Claude had arranged for lunch. I took my chair at the meeting, and when my turn came, Claude asked me about new prospects. “You’ve been on quite a roll, young man,” he said with a smile.
“I attended a number of performances over the weekend. One was ghastly, but the performer I was there to see was very good. She’s coming in tomorrow morning. I believe I can get her proper work that will showcase her talents. Last night’s play was all right, but the prospect was wooden. On Saturday I saw an amazing show. Two of the performers are coming in this afternoon.” I couldn’t help smiling. “Penny Candy and Tulane Highway.” I used their stage names on purpose.
“Drag performers,” Garren said with a laugh. “We don’t represent them.”
Claude shot Garren a stony look and then shifted his gaze to me. “Are you sure about this?”
“They’re amazing. They don’t lip-synch, but perform their own songs. They sing, dance, and act on stage as well as play convincing women. It was an incredible show, and they were the stars. Kinky Boots is huge, and so is RuPaul. There are roles for them on television, and if they wish to perform as men, I could get them work that way as well. These are performers, and that’s what we represent. I was impressed.” I nearly said Beckett and I were impressed, but I swallowed that part. It surprised me how easily that would roll off my tongue. It felt right, but now it was gone.
“I’m not sure,” Claude said.
“Through contacts, I could book them into Las Vegas in a heartbeat. As I said, they were great, and with the right representation could go a long way.”
“All right. Talk to them,” Claude agreed. “We have never represented drag performers, but if they’re the real deal, then I want to know about it. Is there anything else?”
“Other than that, I have a full slate of performances this weekend as well. I wonder what will come of that?” I smiled, and Claude grinned.
“You’d go to the theater twice a day if you could, wouldn’t you?” Claude asked.
“Of course. I love the theater.”
Claude turned to the others. “That’s what we’re all here for. That’s our business. I know we get people parts and help build careers, but it starts with the love of the theater and performing. So I want you all to go at least once a month.” He turned to his right. “Even you, Gloria. Spotting new talent is how our business grows. Yes, we sometimes lure talent away from another agency, but then in turn they can be lured away from us. Good work, Payton. Keep up the initiative. I know it takes time to build a clientele. That’s why we hire on a stipend for the first year.” I nodded my thanks, and Claude turned to the group. “Just so everyone is aware, we will not be hiring anyone to replace Jane at the moment. Each of you has room to expand, and I expect you all to. This is an opportunity for each of you to increase your slice of the pie. So get out there and find new talent.” He continued with the rest of the normal business, and I sat back, happy as I could be. Once the meeting was over, I hurried back to my office and picked up my cell. I had actually started to call Beckett.
I sighed. I would have called Val, but he was at work. So instead I smiled to myself and then began making business calls.
“Payton, you need to come to the lobby,” Millie said with a grin as she stood in my doorway.
“I take it Penny and Tulane are here.”
“Yes, and oh my.” I followed her out, and sure enough, they were dressed to the nines.
“Hello,” I said, greeting both of them. Penny was a dream in a royal blue gown that flowed like water, and Tulane was in green, showing leg and an amazing body.
“Do you think they would have any tips for me?” Millie asked.
“Honey, if you want, we could give you the works. The whole catastrophe,” Tulane said with a gentle smile. “Your husband or boyfriend wouldn’t know what hit him when we were done.”
Mille giggled, and Claude came to his office door, clearing his throat to get attention.
“Claude, this is Tulane Highway and Penny Candy,” I said.
“It’s nice to meet both of you.” He looked at me as though I’d lost my mind. At least I thought he did until he turned back to them. “I’d like to see your show.”
Tulane opened her purse and produced two tickets. “Tell them I sent you and they’ll seat you right down front.” I had never imagined Claude could blush that deep a shade of red. “You and your wife will be thoroughly entertained.”
“I’m sure we will,” Claude stammered, and I motioned the ladies toward my office. Claude caught my eye, and I hung back a minute. “Okay. You made your point.” I wasn’t quite sure what point I’d made, but I was happy he was pleased. I thanked him and met the ladies, escorting them into my office.
“You both made quite an impression,” I said as I closed the door.
“It’s what we do, darling,” Tulane said. “Drag is big and getting bigger.”
“I realize that. But the reason you’re here is because of your talent. This isn’t some drive to get on the drag bandwagon. You both have talent, and plenty of it. The singing, dancing, the whole package. I do have to ask a few questions, though. The talent you both have transcends your clothes and persona.”
“I don’t understand,” Penny said.
“All right. The talent doesn’t belong to Tulane and Penny, but to Damon and Carl. Do you want me to only book work for Tulane and Penny? Because I could also get work for Damon and Carl. The gift is there—it shines past the clothes and makeup.”
Tulane opened her purse and dabbed her eyes with a tissue. “Thank you.”
“Now it’s my turn to be confused,” I said.
“Tulane is part of me just as much as Damon is. But no one noticed me until Tulane arrived.” She dabbed her eyes once again and put the tissue away.
“It’s up to both of you. What I’d like to do, if you agree, is have a portfolio created of both sets of looks.” Tulane and Penny looked at each other as though they weren’t sure. “You don’t have to decide right away. Take your time and think about it.”
“The thing is, as Damon, I have stage fright. Going in front of people just isn’t his thing. But Tulane gives me the courage and freedom to be this fabulous. Once I take off the makeup, I’m nothing special.”
Penny nodded in agreement.
“All right, then. I have my answer. That’s no problem. I can get you plenty of cabaret work, and I hear that a cast change is possible at Kinky Boots. Also, we have some contacts in Las Vegas, so we could get you work there as well as Hollywood. But first I want to help get you publicity here.”
“Can you do that?” Penny asked.
“I can certainly try.”
“I was thinking of trying out for Drag Race next season,” Penny said.
I leaned across the desk. “You could do that. But it’s a gamble. If you make it to the end, it can help, but if you don’t, you can be hurt by it. See, they don’t remember what you did well, only where you fell flat. My feeling is to build a career the old-fashioned way, through talent and hard work.”
“I’m in,” Tulane said.
“Me too,” Penny agreed.
“Excellent. How long are you booked currently?”
“We have a few more months, and then the show will change and everyone will have to audition again. That’s Jerry the Jerk’s sense of humor. He likes to keep everyone on their toes, so no one knows whether they’ll be out on the sidewalk every six months. He likes suckups.”
“All right. If you sign with me, I will not take anything unless I get you a job. If you like, I’ll also negotiate on your behalf with Jerry the Jerk. And I’ll see what I can get you.” That show wouldn’t be the same without either of them, so I figured I could come at him from a position of strength.
Both of them smiled and nodded. “Is it all right if I ask you something?” Penny inquired. “You were at the theater with that hunkalicious man. Is he your boyfriend?”
I tried to suppress a sigh. “He’s another client.”
“Seemed like more than that to me, and believe me, Penny knows these kind of things. He was looking at you like you were candy and he hadn’t eaten in months.” Her red lips curled into a smile.
“Well, things are complicated. But he’s just a client now, and that’s the way it should be.” Mixing business with pleasure was a recipe for heartache. I should have known that. It was my fault for getting caught up in the attraction.
“Complicated, schmomplicated. You two looked so good together, and you can pull that ‘just a client’ thing all you want, but you could barely take your eyes off him during the show. And neither could anyone else. You two were gorgeous together. We all had to compete to hold the audience’s attention, and that never happens. So what’s the dish?”
“Excuse me?”
Tulane interrupted. “Ignore her. She’s always getting her nose in other people’s business. It’s none of your business who he ki-ki’s with, Penny. He’s our agent, not one of the men you try to fix up. Penny here thinks she’s some sort of drag yenta.”
“Well, there’s nothing to do. I shouldn’t get personally involved with clients, and I let myself get carried away.”
Penny tutted lightly. “So you let him go so you could keep your job?” She continued to shake her head. “If you loved the guy—I mean, like, loved him for real with a happy-ever-after and all—then no job is worth giving that up for. Or were you only in lust with him? Because, honey, I could fall in lust with that man in about two seconds flat.” Penny fanned herself. “I think I’m halfway there just thinking about it.”
“Calm down, missy. Can’t you tell he still has a thing for this guy? You don’t need to go stepping on other people’s toes. Remember the last time you rushed in? You got threatened with a pair of pumps up the ying-yang, and even I know you aren’t that kinky.”
“All right,” I said. They had me chuckling in spite of myself. “It’s over.”
Penny’s expression turned serious. “Your mouth says that, but your eyes say that your heart isn’t so sure.”
I blinked a few times and took a deep breath. I needed to clear my head, get my thoughts back on the task at hand. “Do you have pictures we can use to put together a portfolio?”
“Goodness yes,” Tulane said. “We could plaster your apartment walls with them. We love to have our pictures taken. She and I both have portfolios of a sort, but they’re a little more artsy than the average person’s.”
“This is a serious business,” I began, imagining the folios covered in glitter and bedazzled with rhinestones. “And I want potential employers to take you seriously. You’re both talented performers, and you deserve to be treated as such. It’s part of my job to see that you are, but it’s yours as well.”
“We are serious,” Tulane said, in a much deeper voice than before.
“Good. Then the way you look is important, but so is the way you present yourself. When going to an audition, you should look the part you’re going for. And you do. But your professionalism should be beyond reproach. That will impress them as well.”
“People expect fabulousness from a drag queen,” Penny argued. “It’s our job to give them that.”
“Yes. In your outfit and makeup, you should always be fabulous.” I smiled and opened my desk drawer. “Here is the type of portfolio I put together for my clients. It’s simple, clean….”
“Bor-ing,” Penny quipped.
“Yes. But any producer knows what it is and….” I opened the cover. “…it lets the pictures inside speak for themselves.” I hadn’t realized I’d pulled one of Beckett’s. The amazing close-up of him in his tuxedo, those eyes blazing from the picture, startled me. I stared at his lips for a few seconds, licking my own as I remembered his deep, possessive kisses that I’d felt to my toes.
“You all right, honey?” Tulane asked gently.
“Yes, sorry.” I adjusted myself in my chair, glad I was behind a desk. My heart wasn’t the only part of me holding out hope. “What I thought I’d do is have these made up for both of you, but instead of a blank cover, I’ll get ones with a photo frame cover and insert the best photograph as the cover. Again, they’ll be simple. Well, simpler, and it will let you and your images speak for themselves.”
“All right,” Tulane said. She stood up with all the grace of a dancer. “I’ll put myself and my career in your hands.”
“Me too,” Penny said.
“One more question. Will you accept work as a duo?” I asked.
“Excuse me?” they asked in unison.
“I’m thinking of options. And you look great together.” It was only a suggestion, and from the looks I got, not one that they’d contemplated.
“We each have our own act already,” Penny said.
“Let the man speak,” Tulane snipped at Penny as she sat back down. “What did you have in mind?” Penny sat as well, looking none too happy.
“Maybe a Bosom Buddies type of thing?”
“Or a Fred and Ginger type act?” Tulane asked.
“I get to be Ginger,” Penny piped in, holding up her hand.
“They always want to be Ginger,” Tulane said, overacting and rolling her eyes.
“See, that’s exactly it right there. You two have been playing off each other ever since you walked in my office. I’m just saying there could be gold there if you’re willing to explore and mine it. I’ll sign both of you regardless, but options are always good in this business, and in my opinion you two are amazing and have a world of opportunities.”
Both Penny and Tulane fanned themselves. “You are good for our egos, sweetheart,” Penny said with an affected Southern drawl.
I smiled. “Now we’ll get down to the ordinary details. I’ll go over the standard agency contract. If you agree to the terms, then I’ll have final agreements drawn up and sent over to you for review and signature. Or you can come in, if you like. Either one works. Once that’s done, I’ll get busy on your behalf.”
We spent the next half hour going over details and getting information. It would have been quicker, but my phone kept ringing and I had to put out a fire with a client who had forgotten his audition time. I apologized when my phone rang again. I answered it quickly and then got back to Penny and Tulane.
“Don’t you worry, if your phone wasn’t ringing, we’d be nervous,” Tulane said.
We finished our business, and they got up to leave.
“When we sign the agreement, I need you to send me the details of your current contracts so I can see what I can do for you,” I said.
“I brought mine with me, and Penny says hers is the same.” Tulane pulled a small packet from her purse and handed it to me. I opened it right away and was astonished at the amount they were being paid.
“This will never do,” I told them as I did some quick math in my head.
“Why do you think we call him Jerry the Jerk?” Tulane said
“Jerkoff is more like it. The cheap son of a…,” Penny added.
“I’ll send the agreement over quickly and then get to work.”
We shook hands, and I walked them out of the office, past Millie’s desk, where Tulane handed her a scrap of paper.
“If you’re really interested in some fashion or makeup tips, give me a call. You have an interesting face, and we could do a lot with it.” She smiled, and Millie giggled, taking the paper as though it were the Holy Grail. Millie always looked extremely professional, but nothing more. They left the office, and I returned to mine, making phone calls and arranging for the contracts to be put together and sent out.
Caught up and exhausted, I left the office a little early, forwarding my office phone to my cell. I intended to take the subway home, but it was a nice day, so I decided to take a walk and ended up going through the theater district. I loved this part of town, with the lights and marquees. They hinted at the magic and excitement to be had within. Without thinking, my feet carried me to the theater where Beckett was rehearsing, and I stopped in at the box office.
“Good afternoon, I’m Payton Gowan, the agent for one of the actors in the play being rehearsed. I was wondering if rehearsals were still going on?”
“They are,” the man in the box office said, without giving anything else away.
“I wanted to check how my client was doing,” I prompted, and he finally nodded and came out of the box office and led me through to the theater. I whispered a thank-you and sat down in the back row. He returned to the office, and I watched Beckett as he stood on stage in jeans and a T-shirt. They weren’t mic’d, so I couldn’t really hear them, but that was fine. I didn’t need to. Beckett moved though the scene with ease and without stopping. At the moment he was playing opposite Kendall Monroe, and the two of them were amazing together. I was spellbound by their interaction and the way they played off each other.
When the director asked them to stop, I quietly got up and moved closer. As I did, I heard the pleasure in his voice. “That was exactly what I wanted. In fact, it was better than what I had in mind. Let’s go on to the next scene.”
All the actors held scripts except Beckett. He had one nearby, but worked without it, acting his lines from the heart as he recited, “But love is more than what can be bought or what you can get. It’s about putting someone else above yourself.”
I gasped and covered my mouth. My stomach lurched, and I breathed through my mouth to try to calm myself. That single line summed me up in a way that was almost eerie. The scene continued, but I didn’t hear much over my heart pounding in my ears. Stopping here had not been a good idea. Beckett was doing wonderfully; he didn’t need me.
I got up and quietly walked toward the back of the theater. I heard the stage go silent, but I continued walking. I didn’t want to disturb their work.
“Payton, what are you doing here?” Beckett asked quietly from behind me.
“Making a mistake. I just wanted to see how things were going, but it was a bad idea for me to show up.”
Beckett looked around, then pulled me out and into the darkened lobby. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”
I wanted to move into his arms and hold him. I was so close to giving in. “Maybe, but….” I sighed. “I really need to go.”
“What are you afraid of?” Beckett demanded. “And don’t feed me that line about work again. I didn’t buy it last night, and I’m not now. So you tell your boss that I’m your client and that we knew each other in high school. We’re dating at the moment, and both of us understand the possible ramifications. Big deal. This isn’t Victorian England or something.”
“Claude….”
“Isn’t going to care, and neither will anyone else, as long as you don’t lie about it. So I know there’s more to this than your job.” Beckett paused and listened. “I need to get back to work.”
“Look, Beckett, I’m sorry.” God, this hurt like hell. “You know this is for the best. You deserve someone….”
“What? Are you going to be magnanimous and say you aren’t good enough for me or some other lame cliché? Please. If you don’t want to see me anymore, that’s fine, but at least be original.” He turned and then paused, looking back. “I can forgive insecurity. We all have that. And I can forgive a mistake, but quoting a bunch of overused ‘let him down easy’ lines is just being a coward.” He scowled. “Maybe Gaydie Paydie isn’t as far in your past as you like to think.”
“You son of a bitch,” I said, forcing the words through my teeth.
“Think about it. In high school it wasn’t being gay or even your weight that made you a target. It was your attitude. You made yourself a target by looking like one. And you’re doing it again. You were afraid of your own shadow then and you’re afraid now.” Beckett strode to the theater door, pausing with his hand on the handle. “When you figure out what you want and stop acting like a chickenshit, call me.” He pulled open the door and walked inside, letting the door close after him.
I stood shocked into immobility, wondering how he had seen through everything I tried to project to the world. The damnedest thing was that I couldn’t say he was wrong, but I was not going to go back in there and tell Beckett he was right and beg for forgiveness, either. And talking to Claude about my love life, or possible love life, wasn’t something I could do. I had been with the agency for less than a year. Adding drama and personal-life complications wouldn’t help my reputation. Regardless of what Beckett thought, his solution wasn’t that simple. As for the rest, Beckett might think he knew everything, but….
I checked my watch, realizing I’d been standing alone in a dark theater lobby, arguing with myself under my breath. Time to go home alone and get on with my life. I left the theater and continued my walk downtown. I had many blocks to go and plenty of time to think about what I truly wanted.