“I STILL can’t believe you were dumb enough to push Beckett away without even fighting for him.”
“I had to, you know that,” I argued.
“Why, because Garren, a weasel and a lowlife, told you that your boss has a thing about agents dating their clients? He may, but you didn’t even check with anyone, did you?” Val shivered. “That guy gives me the willies. But what’s worse is that you took what he said as gospel, and because you were afraid of whatever consequences, you pushed Beckett away.”
I had never thought of that. I cringed. He was right. I had let my own fear take over everything.
Val lifted his glass filled with a pink cocktail to his lips. “In the beginning, I couldn’t believe you were giving Beckett the time of day after you told me what he’d done to you. But it turned out he was a really nice guy, and as hot as they come. And to top it off, I think he really liked you, for you.”
“You make it sound like I have leprosy or something.” I took the glass he offered, and we sat down on Val’s sofa.
“Nothing like that. But it’s hard in a city like this—where everyone has one eye on the guy they’re with and the other on the door in case someone better comes along—to find someone who really likes you for the person you are. I think you had that with Beckett, and you gave it up way too easily.”
“Great. Now I’m stupid and a fool.” I set my glass on the coffee table. “Maybe I should go back to my apartment and just be alone. I’m obviously too stupid to be around other people.”
“Stop acting like a drama queen. You made a mistake and let Garren play on your fears. He probably knew your job was important to you and hit a nerve. Now he’s interested in you, personally.”
“That’s creepy.”
“No kidding. But he’s crappy at his job, as you already know, and you said his heart isn’t in theater anymore. So he’s trying to get the new guy off his game because you were making him look bad. The other agents have all been there a while, and they are well established. Garren isn’t much older than you are, so he’s still rather new. Do you know how large a clientele he has?”
“Not really. Though he never seems especially busy, and he isn’t out actively hunting for more.” I shook my head. “I thought he could have been a friend. Sure, we argued over a client, but he didn’t gloat or anything.”
“And he got you off your guard.” Val took another sip of his drink.
“So what do I do?” I asked hopefully.
Val raised his glass in my direction. “I don’t know. I’m not the relationship guru. I have my own issues in that department. At least Rod has stayed away. I don’t know if I could take facing him.” He drained his glass, and I gently took it from him and set it on the table, giving Val a stern look.
“I know you’re still upset about all that. But dealing with it is better than burying it.”
Val humphed softly. “This coming from the guy who gave the bum’s rush to one of the best men in the city because he wasn’t dealing with his own issues.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Bullshit. You’re free with your advice, but you don’t take it. Look, I know you did something stupid, and I have to ask, do you want Beckett back?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s been four days, and all I do is think about him all the time. I didn’t know him that long, and he already worked his way so deep into me that I dream of him every night and wake up shaking, alone, and unhappy.”
“Then what are you going to do about it? You saw him on Monday and came home miserable. Since then you’ve been a pain in the ass. I hope you haven’t been like that at work, or your clients are going to hate you.”
I shrugged.
“Figure out something. It’s time you stopped acting like your entire life is in someone else’s hands.”
“I don’t do that,” I protested quickly.
“You do too. You let Claude, Garren, and your job dictate who you can have in your life, to the point that you let Beckett go.” He leaned forward. “And just so you know, anyone who can make someone else moan and scream the way Beckett had you going should be held on to with both hands and legs wrapped around his waist. So call him, go over there, talk to him. I don’t care what you do, but actually do something besides mope. Frankly, you didn’t have the date from hell on Saturday, and you’re bringing me down.”
I threw up my arms. “All right.”
“Good, because I did not want to have to tell you to grow a set, but I would.” Val snickered. “I’ll tell you something else: if you don’t tell him how you really feel and quit hiding behind your insecurities, someone else is going to work their way in and it’ll be too late.”
“I honestly hadn’t thought of that.”
“Now that’s enough of all this maudlin crap. I haven’t been to the gym at all this week, and I dare say neither have you. So get your things. We’re going to the gym. All this feeling sorry for ourselves only puts on pounds and makes our skin blotchy.”
I loved that each day a little more of his sense of humor returned. “Fine.” I stood and went to the door. “I’ll meet you down at my place in ten minutes and we can head out.” Lord knew I could use some time getting my body moving. Maybe I could get Beckett out of my mind for a few minutes.
WHY I’D thought this was a good idea was beyond me. I walked on a treadmill watching a parade of manhood pass in front of me. Some were covered up in sweatpants and T-shirts the way I was, and others wore tiny shorts and shirts that were barely there at all, showing off sculpted bodies. None of them compared to Beckett, and I found that the parade of handsome guys only became points of comparison.
“Stop scowling,” Val said from the next treadmill. “Everyone is staying away.”
“So? I’m here to exercise, not get lucky in the showers.”
“Speak for yourself. Your mug is casting a shadow over this entire area of the gym. Besides, since you’re so determined to let Beckett go, you might as well find someone to replace him.”
I sighed.
“Just as I thought. You aren’t interested in anyone else, and you’re determined to make everyone else as unhappy as you are.” Val turned away and made a show of ignoring me as he met the gazes of a few of the guys he knew. At the gym, the faces were largely familiar, and I was pleased that Val was getting socially active again. There wasn’t much that could keep him down for long, and thankfully the marks on his face were gone. His wrists were still dark, but those bruises too were fading. I wasn’t sure how much of Val’s bravado was real and how much was him putting up a front, but it was good to see nonetheless.
A large blond man approached Val’s treadmill from the other side, getting on and starting the machine. I turned away, but heard the two of them talking softly.
“What happened to your wrists?” the blond asked.
I glanced over and saw Val stumble for a second, then regain his footing.
“A guy I thought was nice got way too rough last weekend. I kicked him to the curb.” Val held his head high, and I was proud of him.
“Not into rough stuff?” the blond asked, and Val shook his head. “Good, I’m not either.” He leaned a little closer and I couldn’t tell what was being said over the whir of the machines, but Val broke into a smile, and I decided to find something else to occupy my attention.
“Hi, Pay.”
I turned around and forgot to walk. The machine caught my feet. Somehow I managed to hit the emergency stop button before it threw me off. Beckett steadied me anyway, and I blushed like a total fool. “Hi, Beck.” I swallowed hard, not sure what to say.
“This is Eric,” he said and stepped back.
A man almost as large as Beckett took a step closer and held out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you,” I said.
“This is my agent, Payton,” Beckett said, and the last strings of my heart broke. Val had been right. Beckett had found someone else already, and I had screwed up what could have been the best thing I’d ever have.
Eric smiled. “He told me he had this awesome agent who got him a great job.”
I stifled a cringe. I was not going to take on Beckett’s new boyfriend as a client, no matter what. I wanted to get the hell out of there now, but my feet were plastered in place. “Beckett is very talented, and he got the job. I just paved the way.”
“Eric is in town for a competition and is using the gym as a base to keep pumped. He and I got to talking, and then I saw you.” He reached over and tapped Eric on the shoulder. “He and I competed against each other a few times.”
“Beckett won those battles. But I was always the one who got the ladies.” Eric grinned, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “He was never interested in them, which was cool, so after the competition, I’d always collect the ladies and have a good time. He’s, like, a chick magnet. They love him.” Eric smiled and slapped Beckett lightly on the back. “He’s a great guy.”
I nodded. “That he is.” I had messed things up bad, and now I didn’t know how to make it right.
“We should get back to work before we cool down too much,” Eric said, and Beckett nodded. “It was nice to meet you,” Eric said before turning to stride to the weight area. Beckett hung back, his gaze intense.
“Have you had time to think about what happened?” Beckett asked.
I nodded. “I was scared,” I admitted. “You were right.”
“About your job?” Beckett asked. “You’re an excellent agent. You could work for anyone, and now you have clients who will follow you.”
“I’d like to think so, but that wasn’t it. Not really.”
“Then what was it?” Beckett asked.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to have this conversation, at least not here. “Look around. This place is filled with guys a lot better looking and more interesting than me. Eric is amazing, and he wins competitions and stuff.”
“He’s also straight,” Beckett growled with impatience.
“I get that, but most of the guys here are like him. They’ve done things and been places I’ve only dreamed of.”
Val was still talking to the blond, paying little attention to me—maybe by accident, but more likely by design. I squeaked when Beckett’s expression darkened and he grabbed my hand and pulled me through the gym toward the locker rooms. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to show you something,” Beckett said with determination. When we reached the locker room door, he pushed it open, banging it on the wall. The men inside all turned and Beckett met their gazes. “Get out now.”
I had never in my life seen big guys look so scared. Hell, I was about to piss myself. I had no idea how Beckett would react when he was angry, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. The men, however, raced to get out. Those dressed filed out past us, and the undressed raced to the shower and sauna area. “Do you do that often?”
“Sometimes there are benefits to being really big,” Beckett said as he marched me up in front of the mirrors that lined a short wall near the locker room door. He positioned me so I faced it and stood behind me. “What do you see?”
“You,” I answered quietly, nervous and wondering what he was up to.
“No. What do you see in yourself?” Beckett grabbed the tail of my T-shirt and yanked it over my head. For a second I crossed my arms over my chest, but Beckett gently held my arms and lowered them to my side. “What do you see?”
“I don’t know. Me.”
“Take a good look. I took an acting class once, and they had us do this. If we want to be able to play other people, we have to know ourselves… or something like that. Personally, I think it was a chance for the old queen to get his jollies, but that’s another story.” I smiled and turned to Beckett, who gently turned my head back to the mirror. “What do you see?” he asked again. “Be honest.”
“Just a guy,” I answered with a shrug.
Beckett backed away and pulled off his shirt, standing next to me. “What do you see in me?”
I swallowed. “A gorgeous, talented, sexy man who I want to touch and taste until I can’t see straight. I see someone who has his entire amazing life ahead of him, with limitless possibilities and a talent that can take him anywhere.” Fuck, I wanted to turn and ask Beckett to take me right here, right now. But I forced myself to stay where I was, even though I watched every twitch of every muscle. “I see someone I can’t take my eyes off of even when I’m across the room from you or sitting in the very back of a theater.”
“Do you know what I see?” Beckett asked. I shook my head. “I see a guy who everyone thinks is huge and dumb. I always thought that was what I was. I was an athlete, so that meant I was bad in school, and I went with that. I see someone who always thought athletics was the only thing he was good at, and someone who had to hide who he really was.”
“You’re none of that. You’re smart and talented and so very sexy. I wonder what you could possibly see in me.” I turned to look at him, and Beckett gently placed his hands on my shoulders, turning me back around.
“What I see in you and what you see in me is less important than what we see in ourselves. I can’t change what’s in the mirror. Only you can do that. Just like only I can change what I see.”
“I don’t understand,” I whispered. Guys began coming back inside, poking their heads around the corner and then backing out again.
“When you see yourself in the mirror, what’s there?”
I looked deep and nodded. “Gaydie Paydie. He’s what’s there. I’m not overweight anymore, but he’s still there, standing behind me. The kid I was.”
“But he isn’t there. You stand on your own two feet most of the time. You know what I see? A smaller man who’s cute and caring, who raced out of bed to help a friend. You throw yourself into what you do, and you give everything you have to your work and what you think is important.” He put his arms around me, and I leaned back into his warmth. “But you have to decide what you see in the mirror and what’s important to you.” Beckett leaned closer, and I felt his warm lips on my shoulder.
Beckett slipped away and he pulled on his shirt. Without another word, he left the locker room, the door closing behind him. I stood still, staring into the mirror as men came back around me.
“Where did you go?” Val asked as he skidded to a stop on the tile floor, nearly knocking me over. “Everyone is talking about Beckett dragging you in here, and they were taking bets on whether he was fucking you in here. Was he?”
I rolled my eyes. “No,” I whispered. “I think I’m going to take a shower and walk home.” I turned away from the mirror, knowing I was the center of everyone’s attention, for a few minutes, anyway, and went to my locker. I opened it and got undressed before heading to the showers. Guys chattered and gossiped about what had been going on, but they quieted when I came close, which told me all I needed to know. I paid no attention. I just got into one of the shower stalls and cleaned up quickly. I could still feel where Beckett had touched me, my skin holding on to the last of his lingering warmth. By the time I was done, it was gone. I dried off and returned to my locker. My momentary notoriety having faded, no one paid me any mind as they went about their business, and I dressed, packed up my bag, and left the locker room.
I saw Val talking to the blond, who seemed really into him. I approached and told Val I was going.
“Lars says he’ll make sure I get home.”
“Okay, but call me when you leave.” I wanted to make sure Val would be all right. He promised he would, and I left the gym, walking the darkened streets of the Village toward home. I needed to think. Well, more accurately, I needed to determine what I was going to do to show Beckett that I was starting to understand what he meant and that I wanted him back. But words weren’t going to be enough.
FRIDAY I avoided everyone in the office, especially Garren. The phone was my best friend, and I beat the bushes to arrange auditions and ensure that my clients knew where to be and when.
Gloria walked into my office near the end of the day. “I think you and I need to talk,” she said.
I motioned her to a chair, and she sat down rather carefully. “You have a gift for this business, young man. You can spot talent that others miss. I heard you signed those drag performers and were not only able to renegotiate their current contracts, but you got Vince Bradford to agree to see them. How did you do that?”
“I heard he was looking for some new show ideas, and I arranged for two tickets to be delivered to his home. It’s well known that he also likes nubile young men, so Penny convinced Eye Candy from the cabaret to make the delivery, promising him a show he wouldn’t soon forget.” I smiled.
“Well, kid, it’s brilliant, and if they’re as good as you say….”
“Is that why you wanted to see me?”
“Keep your drawers on,” she teased, settling back in the chair. “God, these are awful—like unwelcome guest chairs. I’ll tell Claude to have Millie get something better for in here.”
“Thanks, but….” I didn’t want to be a bother.
“There are things you need to know,” she began, leaning forward seriously. “Garren is after you. Don’t know why, but he’s spreading a rumor that you’re dating a client. Are you?”
Just when I thought I’d seen light at the end of the tunnel and figured out what I wanted to do with Beckett, this came up again. “I was. Beckett is someone I knew from high school, and we met again at the gym and then when he came in here.”
“Were you involved before you signed him?” Gloria asked.
“Of course not. I signed him because he’s amazingly talented. Which he proved by landing a great role.” Gloria nodded but said nothing. “I really like him, Gloria. He’s smart, and he makes me scream and laugh, sometimes both at once.”
“Son of a bitch,” she swore.
“I know it’s against the rules, and that’s why I broke it off with him, but I’m miserable.” I stood behind my desk. “I’m going to get him back. And I don’t really care what Claude says. I won’t give him up as a client because no one, not even you, could do a better job for him.”
“What if he doesn’t take you back?”
“I’m still the best for his career.” I met her steely gaze. I was done with this crap. I knew what I wanted, and I wasn’t going to let anyone stop me. “Garren is a weaselly piece of crap, a mediocre agent, and he spends more time worrying others are going to make him look bad than actually doing his job well.”
“You just figured that out?” Gloria asked. I sat back down, a little stunned. “Of course I knew that. I see what people do in this office, the same as Claude does. He knows who’s hustling and who’s coasting and just getting by.”
I nodded. “So what do I do?”
“I can’t tell you that, just like I can’t say how Claude will react. But, young man, I can tell you one thing: I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve met a great number of people. Believe it or not, I’ve spent a few nights with a client or two over the years.”
“Did you regret it?” I asked.
She shook her head. “And thank you for not acting surprised. I was a real looker when I was young. This business and too many cigarettes aged me something awful. Well that, and that bitch called time. But no, I don’t regret it. I was never in love with any of them, and they all thought getting me into bed would get them better parts. That was a laugh.” She cackled like a hen, something I’d never heard or expected from her. “They were awful in bed and more interested in themselves than me. Never passed a mirror they didn’t like.”
I laughed with her. I could easily see that.
“No, I fell in love with a producer. I was working at a different agency, of course, and the boss, an awful, shriveled prune named Hilliard, didn’t dare fire me because otherwise Monty would have ruined him. So we dated, but agreed never to use our influence to help each other. He gave my clients a fair shake, and I only sent him talent I thought he could use, just like anyone else. Ours was a relationship that existed outside the theater.” Gloria fanned herself. “That man was a god, and I loved him to pieces.”
“I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me, but you have some great stories.”
She leaned even closer. “Don’t let love get away from you for anything. Certainly not Claude, who’s on wife number three and doesn’t know squat about women. He’s all about his job. His wives find out eventually, and they also realize the prenup they signed doesn’t give them a thing.” She laughed once again. “I had Monty for over thirty years, and I wouldn’t change a thing. He was the love of my life, and you deserve that too.
“But you better know that relationships can go south, and you better have a clear understanding with this young man about what will happen should things not come up roses.”
I smiled as excitement filled me. “I will.”
“There’s one more thing. You need to be honest with Claude and tell him. Secrets have a way of getting out at the worst time. If he knows and gives his blessing, you’re covered and Garren becomes the blowhard he is.” She covered her mouth with her hand as she coughed a few times.
“That’s what I’m afraid of. What if he fires me?”
Gloria laughed and coughed once again. “You’re bringing in new talent and have great instincts. That doesn’t grow on trees. Just talk to him. He isn’t going to bite your head off.”
“Should I do it now?”
“Heavens, no. Make sure you get this dream man of yours back first. Why ask for something you may not need?”
I shook my head. “You sure know how to pop someone’s bubble of hope.”
Gloria stood with a mock evil grin. “That, young man, is part of what makes my life fun.” She reached to open the door. “Yeah, I know I’m a bitch.”
“That’s just the image you project.”
She stopped and turned at me, as serious as a heart attack. “That may be true, but if you tell anyone, so help me, I’ll rip your balls off.”
“Got it,” I told her. She left, closing the door with more force than was necessary. For the remainder of the day, which was just a couple of hours, I received looks of sympathy from everyone in the office. I did nothing to alter their perception. The only one who acted different from the rest was Garren, who kept a cocky grin on his face that I wanted to punch away.
Val phoned as I left the office. “I should be home soon. I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner?” he asked.
“What about the blond from the gym?” I teased.
“He was nice and even asked me out. I gave him my number and said we could go out to the movies or something, but I want to double date or something, just to be safe.” I could hear the worry in his voice. “What are you going to do this evening?”
“I don’t know,” I said as I got into the elevator. “What’s the weather like?”
“Really nice. Sunny. I have the windows open to air the place out. Why?”
“I’ll call you as I get closer.” I hung up and shoved my phone into my pocket.
After leaving the building, I made my way to the subway, but it was jammed tight, so I turned around and started walking. I was lucky and caught a lot of the lights. I was surrounded by people for blocks, a crowd going in my general direction, but I was alone and had time to think. Why am I being so hardheaded and such a chickenshit? What really bothered me was my reluctance to take a chance. I had moved to New York on my own, away from my dad, in order to make my own life. That decision should have been a hell of a lot more scary than admitting I had feelings for Beckett.
“Gaydie Paydie is gone,” I murmured under my breath.
“Hey, buddy, watch where you’re going,” a man in a designer suit called as I bumped into him at a corner, lost in my own thoughts.
“Sorry,” I said, stepping slightly back as the guy smoothed his coat with his hand before signaling and then hurrying to where a taxi pulled to the curb. I stopped watching and continued on. I had a number of blocks to walk yet, and as the people thinned out, I could keep to my own pace and enjoy the city around me.
It was getting well toward dinnertime when I reached the edge of the Village. On the corner, a flower shop was about ready to close. I hurried inside and looked around.
“Can I help you?” a woman asked in that hurried tone that meant, “I want to go home.”
“I need a bunch of flowers,” I said and picked some colorful mixed blooms.
“What are you trying to say?”
“That I was a stupid idiot and that I’m starting to understand. I think.”
The woman’s gaze softened, and instantly she looked younger. When her lips pulled up, she seemed prettier. “Are these for a lady?”
“My boyfriend,” I told her. “Well, at least I hope he’ll be my boyfriend. I broke up with him because I was scared and used my job as an excuse. I used to be fat, and he’s drop-dead gorgeous, and I thought he would get tired of me, and, well….” I gasped for air, and she had the decency to chuckle.
“It’s all right. I used to be on the heavy side myself.”
I widened my gaze, because there was no sign of that now.
“Thanks for that.”
“What?”
“That look. It’s nice to see, and for the record—” She stepped back and gave me the same look. “—you’re as cute as they come, so forget all that ‘I used to be fat’ stuff. Now, as for flowers… roses always work. I have deep lavender. They’re rich-looking and not the usual.”
“Perfect.” I paid while she wrapped them up. “Thank you so much,” I told her with a wave as I left the shop. On the sidewalk, I fumbled in my bag and located Beckett’s address before making my way to his place. I knew he was staying with friends and I hoped he was home and that they wouldn’t mind me stopping by.
I reached the building and found the apartment, rang the bell and then stepped back. A woman pushed the door open and peered out half a minute later.
“I’m sorry to bother you. I was looking for Beckett,” I told her in as friendly a tone as I could muster over every nerve firing all at once. “I’m Payton, by the way.”
She nodded. “I’m sorry. He got home from the theater half an hour ago and then left again with a guy from the gym. He said he was going out for the evening. Did you try calling him?”
“I wanted to surprise him, but… I’m sorry to bother you. Thanks so much.” I turned and walked back to toward the corner. I should have called instead of using most of what remained of my grocery money on flowers and rushing right over.
I held my flowers and bag as I walked through the twilight-colored streets to home. I managed to pull out my phone and call Val. “Maybe we should get takeout or something for dinner. I wonder how roses would taste.”
“What does that mean?” Val asked. I approached the building and saw Val standing out front with his phone to his ear. He put it away when he saw me, and I shrugged and held up the package of flowers. “Where were you?”
“At Beckett’s.”
“Why?” Val asked.
“I made up my mind about what I wanted, but he wasn’t home.” I waited while Val held the door open. “I’m going to put these in water and then get some dinner. At least I don’t have tickets for the theater tonight, just two performances tomorrow, and one on Sunday. I want a drink, food, and then to crawl into a hole where I won’t make a fool of myself in front of a stranger.”
“So he wasn’t home. That’s no big deal,” Val said as I unlocked my door.
“His roommate said he came home from rehearsal and was out with a guy from the gym.”
“It could have been the guy he was with yesterday. He was so straight it wasn’t even funny.” Val plopped down on the sofa and looked at me expectantly.
I opened the refrigerator and pulled out two beers, then handed him one. “I’m just a fool.”
“You’re overreacting,” Val said as he settled back on the sofa while I got down the one vase I had. It was plain glass from a small arrangement I’d gotten for my birthday a few months ago. I had intended to use it on the patio once I set it up. I filled it with water, cut the ends of the stems, and placed them in the vase.
“I’ll order Chinese,” Val said. “It’ll take a few minutes, but Golden Crown delivers pretty quickly. Or we could order and walk to pick it up.”
“I’ve walked enough for one day.” I sat next to Val and opened my beer.
“Okay. I’ll go get it. You call.”
“The usual?”
“Yeah, broccoli beef and General Tso,” Val said, and I nodded, pulled out my phone, and placed the order.
“I know I have no right to be upset,” I admitted to Val once I’d hung up. “It wasn’t like I’d told him I loved him or that we’d made promises to each other, but… I….”
“You know, it doesn’t matter what you’ve said to each other. It’s what you feel that counts. The words are communication and validation, but they don’t mean that what you feel is any less real.”
“The proverbs of Val,” I quipped. Granted, it wasn’t very good.
“Before I forget, they said they have another delivery nearby, so you don’t need to go get the food.”
“Good.” Val emptied his bottle and waved it in the air. I took the hint and got him another. I only had two left, but that would do through dinner, and neither of us needed to get anything beyond a little tipsy.
“Are you really okay after last weekend? You can talk about it if you want.” He’d been quiet about the whole thing with Rod.
“It sucks, but you and Beckett arrived in time, and even my wrists have almost healed.” He sighed and put the bottle on the table. “If you want the truth, I haven’t been able to sleep in my own bed since it happened. I’ve stayed on the sofa, and my back is killing me, but I can’t bear the thought of sleeping in that bed again. I know he’s gone, and I feel so dumb, but I can barely go into my bedroom. I tried. Last night I went to bed and lay there, wondering if someone was going to come into the room.” Val began to shake, and I set my bottle aside and hugged him.
“He’s gone and no one is going to get in and hurt you. Have you thought about talking to someone?”
“You mean a shrink? No. I keep hoping things will fade. If it had happened someplace else, I could stay away, but it was my home and my bedroom.” Val leaned against me. “I need to man up and just stay in bed. Since I don’t have to work, I was going to try this weekend. Eventually I’ll get tired enough to fall asleep.”
“Sweetheart….”
“It’s the only way. I simply have to force myself to get over it all.” Val stayed where he was for a few minutes, then reached for his bottle. “It would be so easy to drink myself to sleep.” I inhaled loudly, and Val chuckled. “I won’t, I promise. Besides, I don’t want to endure all those noogies.”
“You know I’ll do whatever I can to help.” I wished there was something I could do to make all this go away, but Val had to do it on his own. The memories of what had happened were too fresh, but they would fade in time. “You need to give it some time.”
“Bullshit,” Val said, jumping to his feet. “I can’t sleep in my own bed.” He was yelling and shaking at the same time. “He took that from me, and all you have to say is to give it time. I want to feel normal and happy again.” He relaxed a little. “I was talking to that really super cute guy at the gym. He was way hot, but I just kept wondering if he was going to hurt me. When he asked for my number, I almost ran for the locker room.”
“But you didn’t,” I said, just above a whisper.
“No. I didn’t.”
“And next time it will get easier. That’s how these things work. Little steps.”
Val smiled a little. “You could give yourself that same advice.”
“I know. I kept waiting for the grand illumination.”
“Wait, the what?” Val asked, looking at me like I’d lost my mind.
“You know, like in the movies, when everything falls into place. You can see it in their melodramatic eyes. They turn around, rush back to wherever they’d been, and confess that they’d been stupid all along and should have seen the love that was right in front of their face. It happens in every chick flick ever made.”
“And you tear up each time,” Val said.
“Yeah, I know, but that’s not the point. See, I kept waiting for that moment. I thought everything would fall into place and I would be able to have it all—a great job, a nice apartment, and the hottest guy I’ve ever met. The trifecta.”
“How about the best friend ever? Where does that fit in?” Val asked dubiously.
“Okay the four-fecta. God, that sounds dirty.”
“Get your four-fecta in here,” Val said in a deep voice before cackling like a loon.
“I didn’t think it was that funny.”
“It wasn’t. I’m humoring you,” Val said.
I whapped him with one of the old couch pillows, grateful a cloud of dust didn’t fill the room. I really needed to clean. “Anyway,” I said exaggeratedly. “The point, before we got way off into the weeds, is that I was waiting for the lightbulb moment, and there wasn’t one.”
“Oh.”
“It’s good. See, I think I get it now. The light doesn’t come in a moment. Sometimes the light has to weave and work its way over and under all the walls and car wrecks that we hold on to in order to protect ourselves, and that takes time. If we’re lucky, it manages to complete the obstacle course through our emotional crap, and then we understand that we’ve been idiots.”
“And that happened to you? The light made it?”
“Yeah, hence the flowers, but it could be too late,” I said.
“If it is, then the next time the light won’t take so long. Or you won’t need it because you’ll be ready for the good stuff,” Val said.
“I hope so, and I hope you are too.” I took his hands. “Don’t let Rod stop you from being who you are. He was a jerk with issues of his own, and he has to deal with them. You need to let yourself be happy and not let him add another piece of baggage to the emotional crap pile.”
“I don’t have one,” Val said, and I snorted. “Okay. I have a little one.”
“Everest little,” I quipped.
Val tilted his head slightly, but he didn’t argue. “Okay. I promise I’ll sleep in my own room tonight and not let Rod spoil what could be a chance with Lars.”
I snickered. I couldn’t help it.
“What? He’s Scandinavian, and you saw the way he looked in that T-shirt.” Val pulled his hands away from mine. “And the way he filled out those shorts….”
“Okay. Val is officially back.”
“Yes. But I’m still not going out with him alone. Not the first time. I’m going to be smart and take my time. I will not sleep with a guy on the first date… anymore.” Val raised his hand as if he were a Boy Scout, except, as I remember, none of their oaths involved sluttiness. A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent… and not a slut. Maybe the last part was implied.
A knock on the door interrupted us. Val jumped up and raced for the door. Someone from the building must have been leaving and let them in. “I’ll get it,” he said as he reached into his pockets for some cash. He left the door open, and I heard him paying and thanking the delivery guy before coming back inside.
“You were hoping it was Beckett, weren’t you? Don’t deny it—I saw that flash of hope.”
“Okay, I did for a second,” I admitted, glancing at the flowers.
“I’m sure everything is going to be fine.” Val set the bag on the coffee table, and I got plates from the kitchen and brought the last two beers in the fridge. Val dished out the food and then turned on the television. We watched reruns of Chopped while we ate.
Once he was done, Val went up to his place and returned with a pitcher of some pink concoction that we proceeded to work our way through. I cut Val off before we could get too drunk and made sure he made it up the stairs, then locked all the doors and went to bed myself.
I should have known the drinking would be too much. I was hearing things. A gentle tinking on the small window that faced the street. I had a love/hate relationship with that window. It let in a little light when the curtains were open, which I liked, but it also meant everyone on the street could see into my place. I needed to get some blinds for it, but hadn’t yet.
The tinking sound came again, and I cracked my eyes open, listening. God, I hoped it wasn’t some homeless guy looking for a handout. I got out of bed and carefully walked across the room, peering out through the side of the curtain. I didn’t see anyone. The rapping sounded once more, and I jumped back, ending up sprawled on the sofa cushion. I pulled the curtain aside, grateful for the decorative iron work on the window, and peered out.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as Beckett stared back at me.
“They said you stopped by, and….” I heard faintly through the glass. I motioned toward the door and buzzed Beckett into the building, then unlocked the door. I didn’t have a chance to open it. Beckett came through like a freight train. “Shawna said that you had knocked just after I left and that you had flowers with you,” Beckett whispered into my neck. He already had me in his arms and lifted off my feet. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and Beckett put a hand on my butt to steady me. I looked toward the table.
“I did. They were for you, but you were gone.”
“I’m right here.”
“There isn’t anyone else?” I asked, needing the reassurance.
“There hasn’t been in a while, and there wasn’t going to be. When I first kissed you, you set me on fire. I couldn’t be with anyone else until I knew you were gone for good.”
“But….”
Beckett knocked the door closed and carried me to the bed, laying me down, but I kept my legs where they were. I wouldn’t let go.
“I saw how you looked at me at the gym, how you’ve always looked at me,” Beckett said.
“Everyone looks at you, and they will even more once your play opens. How can anyone not look at you?”
Beckett chuckled. “You think everyone sees the same things you do.” He kissed me hard. I squirmed. “What?” Beckett growled. “This is kissing time, not talking time,” He kissed me harder. I might have tasted blood, but I certainly tasted Beckett, manly musk mixed with a hint of beer, tinged with soap, cologne, and God knew what else. I clung to him, wanting more.
“Are you gonna fuck me now?”
Beckett backed away. “I’m going to make love to you now,” he corrected, and goddamn if the light didn’t go on, bright as all hell.