Jessup can’t say anything. Diggins feels sorry for him? There’s a part of him that understands that Diggins is fundamentally a good man, in the same way that David John is fundamentally a good man. In some different universe, the two would be friends. But there’s a part of him, too, that is breaking in half. Coach Diggins is telling him to be a man, to do the right thing, but he has no earthly idea how to do either of those things. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to—he can’t—walk away from Deanne. He loves her. He knows that much is true.
He can’t walk away from Deanne, he thinks, but he can walk away from her father. Jessup gets out of the SUV. He looks back after he’s walked far enough away to be outside the halo of the gas station. Coach Diggins’s car is still there, in the parking lot of the gas station, the lights on.
Jessup zips up his sweatshirt, pulls the hood over his head. It’s not a mist anymore but a gentle rain mixed with wet snow, the temperature dropping with the night, but it’s not enough to soak him through. Not yet. He realizes he’s crying. Can’t figure out when he started. With the weather, the sky is mostly covered, but there’s just enough moon breaking through that he can see the road. He starts to run.
He breaks out too fast, and in forty-five seconds he’s breathing hard. He slows down to a steady jog. Not a sprint, but not slow, an eight-minute mile. Figures it will keep him warm. Figures he has to do something, anything. There’s no traffic, and soon enough it’s just his breath and his sneakers against the pavement. He hits the corner and turns. Steps in a puddle, feels the cold seep through his shoe and sock.
He slows down to a walk again and pulls out his phone. The glow of the screen burns his eyes in the darkness. He checks his texts. He’s got a bunch from guys on the football team, friends from wrestling, all some version of “What’s going on?” the word spreading quickly. Four texts from Wyatt and two from Kaylee, asking if he’s okay, wanting to talk to him.
Nothing from Deanne. He touches her name, types:
I lo
Erases it.