Chapter Nine

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” Pastor Keith Ward said, quoting Matthew 11:28. “This verse urges us to cast all our cares on Him. And it’s true, if you put everything in God’s hands, you’ll find a peace you never knew existed.” Pastor spread both of his arms wide as he beseeched the crowd to come to the altar for prayer.

From his seat in the fifth row, Ryan felt drawn to make his way down the aisle, but he stayed in his seat. He had entered Zion’s Hill Church that Saturday, heavy-hearted and weighed down from his lie. He had had to cancel several business trips because his head wasn’t in the game. At night, Ryan tossed and turned so much that Patricia had taken to sleeping in the guest room or Brian’s room, which bothered him to no end. Since their marriage, they had always shared a bed unless he was out of town. He couldn’t sleep without Patricia next to him. So, of course, he had been cranky.

“What’s the matter with you?” she had asked one morning with troubled eyes. “You say there’s no gulf between us, but I know something’s wrong.”

“I think my wisdom tooth is bothering me.” That had gotten him a trip to the dentist—which he abhorred—followed by a teeth cleaning and a filling.

Ryan looked over at Patricia, who was nodding her head at whatever Pastor Ward was saying. She must have felt his eyes on her, for she turned toward him and smiled.

Seeing her radiant face made him feel like a worm. After a perfunctory smile, Ryan looked away. He watched Patricia stand and walk down to the altar. He sat rooted in the pews while she received anointing and prayer. Ryan experienced a rare bout of spiritual envy. He wanted what she had, but he did not want to pay the price.

It was not until one of the prayer warriors gave her a tissue that Ryan realized Patricia was crying. Why did he have the feeling that he was the reason behind her tears?

Unfortunately, Ryan didn’t have time to ask her as one of the ushers approached to tell him that Pastor Ward wanted to see him. Ryan texted Patricia to go home without him while he made his way through the crowd to the side exit leading to the pastor’s office.

Dianne Hupert, the pastor’s secretary, said, “Hi, Brother Oakes. Pastor Ward should be here shortly.” She tilted her head toward the door. “You can wait in his office if you’d like.”

Ryan thanked Dianne and sat in one of the chairs across from the pastor’s desk.

While Ryan waited, he thought about his path to conversion.

Since its conception, Spababies blew up in ways neither he nor Michael had imagined. It morphed into exclusive childcare services for mall employees as well. Future surveys would show increases in job performance, attendance, and employee satisfaction because mall workers knew their children were safe.

Spababies expanded into malls across the country. Now, England, China, and India wanted in on the franchise. Ryan and Michael had their hands full. Michael and his wife, Verona, had relocated to California to oversee the groundbreaking of Spababies in hundreds of malls. Ryan and Michael employed Verona’s law firm, Lattimore & Ward, to oversee every legal aspect of the expansion project. The senior partner, Nigel Lattimore, was the lead consulting attorney for their firm.

He and Michael grew close, and eventually Michael extended an invitation to his brother’s, Keith’s, church. On his first visit, Ryan had given his heart to God. Yes, one message was all it took for him to see the light. Patricia had not believed him, but within a month, she also converted.

The decision was easy. The walk was not. Life with Christ, he was finding, was 1OO percent sacrifice and O percent selfishness. Ryan sighed because he was still a work in progress.

Pastor Ward rushed into the room with a burst of energy. He thumped Ryan on the back. “You want some water?”

Suddenly thirsty, Ryan nodded.

Pastor Ward retrieved two bottled waters from a refrigerator and threw one for Ryan to catch.

Ryan guzzled most of the water and placed the half-empty bottle by his feet.

“Brother Oakes, God directed me to speak with you.”

Caught off guard, Ryan cracked his knuckles. “What did I do?” On the inside, Ryan pleaded with God, Please don’t tell him about Karlie and me.

“I didn’t say you did anything.” Pastor Ward chuckled. “But you’re a new convert. God pointed you out to me. He told me He meant for you to lay out at the altar, yet you stayed in the seat.”

“I can pray from my seat, Pastor. Isn’t God everywhere?”

“If I had a dollar for how many people have said that to me . . .” Pastor Ward laughed. “Yes, God is everywhere, but sometimes He wants us to take the step of faith.” He zeroed in on Ryan. “God wanted you to do that today. I don’t know what it is, but I do know what He wants you to do.”

Ryan nodded. “You’re right, Pastor.” There was no use denying it. He knew what God wanted him to do too. God had been speaking to him for weeks. Now, God was using Pastor Ward as His voice to prompt Ryan to man up and tell his wife the truth.

Still, he wished he had not sat close enough for Pastor Ward to see him. Maybe he should change his seat. Ryan preferred to be close so he could soak in the Word. Michael had urged him to do so, saying the back rows were the gossipers’ and gamers’ lounge. He did not know if that was true, but it would keep him out of the pastor’s radar.

Ryan sighed. There was nowhere far enough to keep him from God’s eyes. Pastor Ward prayed with him and offered words of encouragement.

Ryan thanked him, and Pastor Ward drove him home. He remained quiet for most of the ride because Ryan experienced his first spiritual skepticism. While gospel music blared, Ryan wondered, How do I know for sure Pastor Ward was speaking on God’s behalf? He peered out the window. Pastor Ward had eyes. He had seen Patricia crying and wanted to find out if Ryan was the culprit.

For all he knew, Patricia could have spoken to Pastor Ward about her concerns. Ryan didn’t ask him, though. He wasn’t bold enough to call the man of God out like that. He would, however, bring it up with his wife.

Pastor Ward pulled up in front of his house. Ryan thanked him for the ride and waited for Pastor Ward to pull off before going inside. Patricia had dinner laid out, and Ryan washed his hands. He would play it cool.

After dinner, Ryan suggested that he and Patricia go out for ice cream, and she agreed. He had pistachio, and she chose rum-raisin. Once they were enjoying their treat, he posed the question.

“Patti, I saw you bawling your eyes out at the altar—well, everyone did. Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

His wife looked at him from underneath those long lashes of hers. “Nothing’s wrong, honey. Just talking to God. The Word touched me—that’s all.”

Ryan knew she was lying through her peach-tinted lips, but who was he to call her on it when he had been lying to her for days—make that years?

It’s time.

Ryan’s ears tingled. It was almost as if someone clearly whispered the thought to him.

He didn’t get where he was by giving in that easily. He refused to listen. Ryan studied his wife as she licked her spoon. His passion surfaced. Ryan wanted Patti as if she were a cold glass of water on a hot summer day. He took her hand and stroked it.

No, he could not risk their marriage. Patricia could never know. Turning his back on his child was the one thing that would separate them.

Many waters cannot quench love . . .

That line from one of his favorite scriptures entered his mind. Again, Ryan didn’t take heed.

Yes, but a daughter you denied you had would do it. It would quench their love for an eternity.