Chapter Fifteen

“I’ve had a lot on my mind,” Ryan explained when Pastor Ward asked about his absence from services. How Pastor noticed his absence when Zion’s Hill boasted three thousand or more members was beyond him. As promised, Dianne had called to set up this mid-day Monday meeting with Pastor Ward. Ryan loosened his Burberry tie and draped it on the back of the chair.

Seated in his chair behind the desk, Pastor Ward stared at him.

Ryan’s excuse withered underneath that stare. The charade of pretending all was well was getting old. He needed to talk. “I’ve done something terrible, and I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m here if you need a sounding board.”

Ryan shifted in his seat. “I . . . I’ve been praying, but God hasn’t done what I’ve been asking Him to do.”

Pastor laughed. “It’s been my experience that He does what He wants. His will is not our will. His ways are not our ways.”

“I know that for sure,” Ryan said. “I mean, I keep telling God I’ll give more tithes and offerings and I’ll get involved in ministries, but does He listen to me? No!” He laughed, hoping Pastor Ward would join in. However, Pastor Ward was no longer amused.

Slowly Ryan’s smile faded. He must have crossed some spiritual line or something.

“We cannot bargain or tempt God, Ryan. When we become saved, we submit to His will, knowing God knows what’s best for us better than we do.”

Properly chastised, Ryan squirmed and closed his mouth. Both men were quiet until Ryan exhaled. “I need to tell someone.”

“You’ve got my attention.” Pastor Ward gestured with his hand.

Ryan gathered his courage. Telling Pastor would be practice for telling his wife. Just say it. “I think my son is in love with his sister.” After he uttered the words, relief seeped through his spine. He practically sprawled in the chair. He faced the ceiling and rejoiced. “Thank God. I’ve said it aloud. I’ve been thinking and thinking, but to say it aloud is like a boulder lifting off my chest. Whew! Who knew?”

Ryan knew he rambled, and so he stopped. He straightened and waited for Pastor Ward’s reaction.

Pastor Ward furrowed his brow. “I think you need to start from the beginning.”

“Now this is all before I gave my life to God,” Ryan said, adding the disclaimer. “I wasn’t saved then.”

“I know that,” Pastor Ward said. “I was there when you got saved.”

Ryan had a small view of what Pastor Ward was like when he was in the courtroom. Pastor Ward used to be a criminal attorney, and his cases were usually big news.

Thinking of his own criminal actions, Ryan asked, “You’re not obligated to report me when you hear what I’ve done, are you?” He chuckled nervously.

“I won’t know unless you tell me. So tell me what’s on your mind.” Pastor Ward relaxed against his chair. He seemed prepared to wait all night for Ryan to share.

Ryan inhaled and squared his shoulders. “Six years ago, Tiffany Knightly—the pop singer who died of cancer—approached me. Well, let me back up. Before she was rich and famous, we had a one-night stand. Brian couldn’t have been more than two years old, and Patti was in medical school. I wanted Patti to quit and stay home to raise our son, but she’s an ambitious woman. We argued and I left the house. I met Tiffany at a bar, and we had sex.” In those few short sentences, Ryan summed up the beginning of drama in his otherwise perfect marriage.

“I don’t know why I did it when Patti was my world. I’ve never wanted another woman besides her. Well, I ignored my guilt, and Patti and I went on with our lives.”

Pastor Ward rose and retrieved two bottled waters from his mini-fridge. He handed one to Ryan and sat by the edge of his desk. Ryan untwisted the cap and drank, appreciating the cool contents.

“Then Tiffany tracked me down and tells me she’s dying of lung cancer and has about a year to live. She informed me I needed to take a paternity test. Tiffany had been with four men and didn’t know which of us was the father of her teenaged daughter.” He shook his head. “I tell you I felt like a contestant on Maury Povich’s paternity show. Tiffany shook up my home with that news, but Patti was my rock. She even reached out to Karlie—that’s Tiffany’s daughter—and they became friends. Tiffany befriended Brian, who’d been messing up in school, and he straightened out.” Ryan tossed his empty water bottle into the basket by the door. “I do have that to thank her for. Tiffany put me in my place and commanded I make Brian a priority.”

Restless, Ryan couldn’t stay in the chair. He stood and glanced Pastor Ward’s way, but Pastor Ward signaled for him to keep talking. The pastor’s impassive face didn’t give a clue as to what he was thinking. Ryan found it disconcerting to spill his guts and be unsure of his listener’s reaction. Nevertheless, he continued because he needed to talk this out.

Ryan paced the room. “The time finally came for me to take the paternity test. Tiffany organized it, but what she didn’t know is that I paid off the tech. I paid him an obscene amount of money to give me the results first. I don’t know why I did it. I think I felt that if I knew ahead of time, I’d be able to prepare myself.” He stroked his chin. “Maybe deep down I knew Karlie was mine. I don’t know.”

He stopped pacing and found he had Pastor Ward’s undivided attention. “The results were 99.9 percent conclusive that I was Karlie’s father.”

Ryan pulled out a handkerchief to wipe his face. “I was stunned. Stunned to know that a fling with someone I didn’t care about had made me a father again. I panicked. I was a horrible father to Brian. Besides my work, Patti consumed me. I had no room for more children in my life. So I bribed the tech to change the results.”

Pastor arched an eyebrow. “Bribery is never a good idea.” He rubbed his chin. “So, Karlie and Brian have remained friends?”

“Yes, best friends.” Ryan wiped his hands on his pants. “I must have the worst luck in the world! I couldn’t believe it, but I wasn’t concerned. Karlie was—and still is—dating Jamaal Weathers. They’ve been together all this time. I thought my secret was safe, especially when Neil and Myra Jameson adopted Karlie. They were trusted friends of Tiffany’s, and I knew she would be in good hands.”

Ryan closed his eyes. Guilt ate at him. He was a weasel who had wormed his way out of his God-given responsibility. Since he could not look Pastor Ward in the face, Ryan wandered over to the bookshelf and scanned the plethora of Bible commentaries. He pulled a random book out and scanned the pages.

Then he trudged on with his disgraceful tale.

“As our children were good friends, it was inevitable that my family and Karlie’s would hang out occasionally.” He stroked his chin. “I think we were at dinner when Neil told me about Merle. Merle was Karlie’s grandmother who had rejected Tiffany and Karlie.” Ryan returned the commentary. “Pastor, are you with me? Because this is a big information dump.”

Pastor nodded. “Yes, telling your past helps me understand your decisions of the future. Continue.”

“Neil doesn’t want Merle involved in Karlie’s life, but my daughter has a forgiving heart. Neil told me how Merle was tormented that Karlie had Clifford’s eyes. I laughed at that ridiculous notion. I see myself in Karlie all the time. It’s downright creepy. She has a lot of my mannerisms.” He shook his head. “Genetics is amazing, you know? Anyhow, I was content to let things stay the way they were, and then I got saved. My conscience is killing me. And now that Brian concocted this crazy scheme to take Karlie on all these adventures and . . .”

“You’re worried about them developing feelings for each other from being in close proximity,” Pastor Ward said.

Yes. Pastor Ward understood his angst.

Ryan exhaled. He sat in the chair. “To make things worse, both Patricia and Brian believe I have a thing for Karlie. Patti and I haven’t made love in weeks. I still want her, but this guilt is eating away at me. God has been speaking to me to tell the truth. Every day I tell myself I will own up to my wrongs but . . .” He glanced at his watch, shocked that he’d only been speaking for just over ten minutes. It felt like hours.

“Ryan, the thing about secrets is that they do come out eventually,” Pastor Ward said. “Look at me. You’ve heard me talk enough about my past to know nothing remains hidden. I was in love with my brother’s wife and had children with her. I kept my secret until the whole thing played out on national television. I’m sure you’ve seen the clips so I won’t elaborate. What I will say is you’re right about God telling you to confess.” Pastor Ward leaned forward. “You need to tell Brian and Karlie the truth immediately. How do you know something hasn’t already happened?”

Ryan shook his head. “No, Karlie isn’t that kind of a girl. She’s a Christian, and she’s with Jamaal.”

“She’s also a woman with feelings. Temptation is a strong force even for the most stable believers. How does Brian feel about her?”

Ryan chewed his bottom lip. “See, that’s what has me up at night. I can’t sleep. Brian likes her. He told me so himself.”

Pastor shifted further into his chair. “That was your opening to tell him the truth. How could you let your son and his raging hormones go on the road with your daughter?”

Ryan clutched his stomach. “It’s repulsive. I tried sabotaging them so they’d give up and come home. But they’re thickheaded. Like me, I guess.”

Pastor Ward stood and came over to him. “Ryan, I urge you not to let another day go by keeping this to yourself. Tell Patricia, Brian, and Karlie tonight. I’m going to pray with you, and, yes, God will forgive you, but you still have to face the consequences. You were man enough to do it, so be man enough to own up to it. I want us to meet again soon. Bring Patricia in with you next time. I’ll ask Dianne to check my schedule and arrange a day and time.”

Ryan put his face in his hands. “Patti won’t forgive me for this so easy. And, Brian,” he sobbed. “Brian will hate me. He won’t want to have anything to do with me.” He shook his head. “Then there’s Karlie. I can’t even imagine how she’ll react.” He looked up at Pastor Ward. “I don’t think I can do it. I can’t lose my family.”

Pastor Ward helped him to his feet. “Think about this. You made Karlie because of one careless night. What if Brian and Karlie do get together by chance? Your son and your daughter might give you your first grandchild. You’re worried about your future, but what about theirs? Would they be able to live with themselves after that?”

Overcome, Ryan shook his head. “I’ve made a mess of things.”

“I do have a question, though,” Pastor Ward said. “Why was it easier to tell your wife about your indiscretion with Tiffany Knightly, but not easy to tell her that you had a child with her?”

Oh, Lord, Pastor is good. Nothing gets by him. Ryan voiced his deepest pain. “Brian wasn’t our only child,” he whispered. “Around the time of all this madness, Patti hinted she might be pregnant. She was elated. Just before the paternity results, Patti had lost our baby, who, as it turns out, died in utero. She was actually four months along.” Ryan lowered his head. “Our Anna, that’s what we named her, died.” His smile was filled with sadness. “A little girl. We’ve never conceived since though we tried, and we never spoke about Anna to anyone. I know Patti still grieves for her.”

Ryan shook himself to the present. “I knew I didn’t want to bring a daughter into the mix. It would’ve been a slap in Patti’s face.”

“Karlie could’ve been a comfort,” Pastor Ward said. “Why didn’t you consider that?”