James was rifling through the books in the living room. I sat on the couch, watching as he attacked the bookshelf. A few of my favorites were scattered across the floor: Jane Eyre, Emma, and Gone with the Wind. They were books from my childhood, ones I would never forget. He was running his fingers along the pages of Black Beauty. James’s movements were graceful and swift. He’d so easily adjusted to his immortality.
We hadn’t spoken of our kiss, or rather kisses, since we’d exited my bedroom. Neither of us really knew what to do. I still loved him, and he was trying to figure out how he should feel about me. I wondered if perhaps anything would ever be the same.
Was this maybe worse than if he were dead? Was it preferable for him to lose his memory rather than fall into peaceful death? Which was better? He seemed all right, but James had always been one to accept things easily. Some parts of his personality were the same. Though when I looked at him, I felt as if my heart was bleeding. I’d lost him, yet he was right in front of me. It was the strangest pain I’d ever felt.
Roy and Arthur had awoken hours ago. They were out hunting with Nina and Anya. Of course, they had woken perfectly intact. When Arthur had opened his eyes, the first thing he’d said was Anya’s name. They’d kissed and cuddled until he could barely resist the need for blood. Roy had done the same. He’d woken up with a lazy grin on his face, his eyes glossed with desire to hold Nina in his arms.
It had made me so lonely. Arthur had given me a look of genuine pity when we’d told him about James. Roy’s face had been covered in shock. Anya had held me against her tighter than ever before. They all realized how much pain I was in but couldn’t actually comprehend its extent. This was the second man I’d lost.
My first love, Glen, had grown up with me during World War 2. We had been childhood sweethearts. I had been sure of our eventual marriage. He had been everything a teenage girl could possibly want. My seventeen-year-old self had been infatuated. And when he’d been killed by the very same vampire who took my mortal existence, I’d wanted to be dead too.
After that awful night, I had spent seventy years alone. But when I found James, everything had changed. I’d fallen for him like a shooting star soaring through the sky. And he had loved me, too.
Now I was left mourning two men. Glen had been in the grave for decades, and James…well, his memory of me was lost. I wasn’t sure which was harder to process. Both were so tragic, so dark that I wanted to curl into a ball and cry.
The door opened as Nina, Anya, Roy, and Arthur returned, their arms wrapped around each other. Seeing Arthur and Roy as vampires was still something I hadn’t gotten used to. They walked toward me, sitting down on the couch. Roy sat beside me with Nina on his lap. They looked like matching stone sculptures from Ancient Greece: gorgeous and solidified. Arthur and Anya sat cuddled up on a loveseat near the empty fireplace. His arm was wrapped around her as she laid against his chest.
James, mostly oblivious to all of this, was still scanning the bookshelves. His every movement was as smooth as silk. There was no longer any human hesitancy or slip. It was all graceful. While I was lost in my thoughts of him, he turned around to face me.
His eyes drifted to the glass of chilled blood in Arthur’s hand. Newly-changed vampires required so much blood. It was more than slightly overwhelming. They just didn’t stop drinking.
“I’m confused,” James said.
“About what?” I asked.
His voice was so beautiful. I craved every syllable, every word, and every line. Not one of his words went unnoticed. When he spoke to me, I was at full attention.
“Why don’t we kill humans?” James asked.
Nina’s mouth fell open, her eyes wide and perplexed. Anya was staring blankly at him. Her breathing had stopped. Roy had tensed, unsure of what to do. Arthur was frozen, still holding a glass of animal blood in his hand. I wasn’t sure what to do. Why had he even asked that question? Wasn’t it obvious? We respected mortality. Humans were valuable. We couldn’t just go around killing them. That would have been monstrous. Every breath they took, every child that was born, was precious. Their heartbeats were like music.
“James, we respect humanity,” I replied.
He tilted his head to the side in confusion. “Why? We’re obviously better.”
Nina’s eyes were furious. “James, that’s not true. Immortals are different from humans, not better.”
He shrugged. “They’ll die anyway.”
“They deserve to live,” Anya cut in.
“We were all human, once,” Arthur added.
“But we’re not anymore. What’s wrong with enjoying immortality?” James asked.
“We’re not telling you that you can’t live a happy life,” Anya replied.
Nina nodded. “We’re just telling you that you can’t kill people.”
Arthur pulled Anya closer to him. She snuggled into his arms. Nina shifted uncomfortably. Roy was still in stunned silence. They all held expressions of fear. What would he say next?
James looked frustrated. “I don’t understand. They’re just like animals.”
“They have souls,” Nina interjected.
James pursed his strawberry lips. “Fragile ones.”
No one knew what to say. He was acting like a vampire straight out of someone’s nightmare. This wasn’t how we behaved. We were civilized.
“I don’t know if I agree with this. After all, they’re just humans,” James said.
I felt as if I might be sick. Every bone in my body seemed to shake. Nina put her hand on mine. It didn’t help. James wasn’t acting like himself at all, and it was all my fault. What if I hadn’t changed him? At least he would have died with some dignity. He had been so caring, so loving toward me. James probably wouldn’t have hurt a bug when he was human. Now he wanted to kill people, or at least thought it was justified.
“You don’t have to agree,” Nina replied. “You just have to refrain from your base desires. Eventually, you’ll barely even think about it.”
“I can’t get it off my mind,” he whispered.
I wanted to pull him into my arms. He needed my love. It was so hard after the change. Every ounce of his body was yearning for blood. It would fade, but not right away. James’s desire was overpowering. For a while, it would be his most fervent want. Just blood, always blood. And human blood, it was the best. I knew that. Killing humans was my biggest regret. It haunted me. Because no matter what I did, I could never bring them back.
I stood, walking toward him. “It’ll be all right.”
He took a step away from me. “No.”
My heart lurched in my chest. Gravity seemed to pull me toward him, but I resisted. The look in his eyes held no warmth. This was what I’d feared. He didn’t hate me, but he was indifferent toward me. Perhaps he was even angry because of the rules I was placing on him. His indifference might have been worse than the potential hate. At least fury was an emotion. It was tied to love. But this, it was blank. There was no passion, just a simple emptiness.
I loved him, though. Every single fiber of my body was attached to his. I wanted him. His love was what I craved. Even as a vampire, there was one thing I wanted more than blood. My desire to be loved was stronger than my urge to drink blood, even human blood.
I’d fed off James when he was still human, but only because of the closeness it had brought us. Of course, it tasted wonderful. But it made him happy, too. It wasn’t all about the drinking. It was about us. When I fed, he felt good. That was what I loved most about it.
James didn’t remember the way he’d held me as I drank from him. There was no memory of the bliss. Our love had faded into oblivion. I could still grab it, but it was gone from his sight. There was such a distance between us.
“I need to be alone,” James said.
I wanted to reach for his hand. “I’ll be here,” I replied.
He didn’t even bother to glance back at me before he darted away toward my room. I couldn’t go back there, not with him. He didn’t want me around.
I sunk to the floor, my back against the bookshelf. My pink dress flared out around me. My eyes met Nina’s and then Anya’s. They both held pity. I didn’t want their sympathy, though. I wanted James.
There was nothing we could do. You can’t convince a bird to fly if they really don’t want to. This was up to him. Roy and Arthur shifted uncomfortably in their seats. We were all lost. And even though I was crying, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was all my fault.