“Mom, can we give Rob the red corn holders?” Jake placed two corn holders on the counter as he rummaged in the kitchen junk drawer. “You have clear and I’ll have blue.”
“Sure, sweetie. Sounds good.” Trina was trying to stay present as she organized the kitchen for their impromptu barbecue. While she’d had the meal planned out well in advance, she hadn’t known Rob would be their guest. She had plenty of food for three, but would have made more of an effort than hot dogs and hamburgers for Rob.
“Hello?” Rob tapped on the back screen door, just as she’d suggested.
“Come in, come in!” Jake ran around in circles, Renegade yapping his puppy head off as he raced after Jake. Jake stopped in front of the door. Trina didn’t know whether to be glad that her son trusted Rob so much or worried that he’d let his guard down so quickly.
“Hey, buddy!” Rob knelt down to Jake’s eye level and the two fist-bumped and high-fived. Seeing Jake’s small hand against Rob’s massive paw made Trina’s heart lurch. Jake had Rob’s hands—it was one of the first things she’d noticed when Jake was born. He had the same crooked thumbs, the wide fingernails, as Rob. The memory made her wonder when or if Jake would ever observe that he had many of the same physical attributes as Rob. Would Jake ask about Rob being his dad before she or Rob told him?
Rob stood and produced a huge bouquet of daisies from behind his back. “These are for you. Thanks for having me.”
Unexpected joy leaped in her belly. “How nice. You didn’t have to do this, but I’m happy you did. Jake, can you please find a jar under the sink for these?” As Jake slammed open a cupboard, Trina looked at Rob. “I have nicer vases, but they’re in boxes. We’ve only been here a short time and I haven’t been able to get everything unpacked.”
“This is why I couldn’t find you at first.”
“Pardon?” The steely tone in her query wasn’t on purpose. It was as if she automatically put up barbed wire fences whenever Rob was nice to her.
“I tried to find where you lived, to come see you. Your apartment in Harrisburg was still listed in the database I used.”
“Oh. I mean, that’s understandable, that it still has the old address. But I thought TH was up-to-date on everything?”
“I used a regular civilian database. I paid ten bucks to find you. How’s that for a charming opening line?”
She couldn’t stop her smile. “Needs some polish, Bristol.”
“Is it hard for you to call me that?”
“Not at all. I keep telling myself it should be. But in reality you’re still the man I knew, and then, you’re not at all.”
“What other man?” Jake reached on his tippy-toes to place an antique mason jar on the counter, next to the platters of food.
“That happens to have been my name once. Here, let’s put the flowers on the table, away from the food. Unless you want them somewhere else?” Rob’s smooth reply and the need to please his son was stamped so deeply on his expression that Trina felt a corner of her heart melt in one smooth plop.
“That’s fine, or rather, how about on the plant shelves, over there by the window? The kitchen table’s pretty small when we all sit at it.”
“Got it.” Rob filled the jar with water, his forearm brushing hers in the most erotic kitchen foreplay imaginable. Trina focused on getting the salad finished. She and Rob had to establish a solid friendship again, for Jake’s sake. Her hormones needed to take a back seat. She let out a breath of relief when he moved across the room and placed the jar on the shelf, followed by the bouquet.
It’s not just your hormones.
“What can I do?” Rob was back at her side, looking over the plate of uncooked hamburgers.
“Go ahead and fire up the grill if you’d like, and let me know when you want the hot dogs.”
“I want my bun toasty!” Jake tugged at Rob’s dark blue T-shirt, a touching gesture that pulled at Trina’s composure.
“You’ve got it, buddy.”
“His name is Jake.”
“Mom, I like it when Rob calls me ‘buddy.”’
“Don’t worry, it’s always easier being the new guy.” Rob spoke quietly to her. He knew what she was thinking, that Jake had some serious hero worship going on. Rob apparently agreed. Their communication was mostly via eye contact and she remembered that this was why she’d taken so long to move on after she thought he’d died. Their unspoken connection by which they always seemed to understand one another. This had to be why she’d never fully accepted he was gone. Some tiny part of her had kept the flame of hope lit, believing he was still alive. As if she knew.
“You okay, Trina? You look like you saw a…ghost.”
“Stop. We can’t tiptoe around each other about this. Yes, it is like I saw a ghost. But you’re not—you’re here.”
“That I am.” Rob took the plate of hamburgers and the barbecue spatula she’d pulled out of the ceramic pot on the counter where she stored her kitchen utensils. “I’ll have these done in no time. Want to help me, bud—Jake?”
“Yeah!”
“Take Renegade with you. Use his leash!”
“Come here, Renegade.” Jake easily cajoled the puppy into the tiny harness. Trina shook her head as she washed the salad ingredients. That dang dog had made her run all over the house, chasing him, before she’d been able to leash him after work.
Jake chattered to Rob as they went out back, the screen door slamming against the weathered doorframe. There were plenty of upgrades Trina needed to have done in the old farmhouse, but a sliding glass door for the backyard and a walkout deck topped her list. The surrounding farm fields and rolling mountains were too beautiful to not make the most of the view.
“Here you go.” She joined them outside, carrying the hot dogs and buns.
“Perfect timing. We do work well together, Marshal Lopez.” She ignored Rob’s banter and looked around for Jake, who was on an old tire swing that hung from the humongous oak next to the house. Renegade sat on the porch and watched him, his leash fastened to a patio chair.
“You always have to know where he is, don’t you?” Rob flipped a burger.
“I’m his mother. It’s called parenting.”
“Whoa, it wasn’t a criticism. I meant it from a place of appreciation—it’s like you have a built-in radar.”
She watched him work over the hot grill, and the heat waves rippling between them mirrored her doubt that she’d ever be able to trust Rob fully with Jake. Trust that he would take care of Jake and not harm him; sure, that was a given. But the sense that Rob would disappear again weighed heavy on her heart.
“Talk to me, Trina.” His eyes slid to the side, and she knew he was watching Jake, too.
“I want to explain away your intense interest in Jake as part of the surprise of finding out you’ve had a child for the past five years.”
“But?”
“I know it’s deeper. You really do seem to care for Jake in that natural bonding way. It’s only been a few days and you have a rapport with him that’s taken me his entire lifetime.”
“First, I’m the shiny new dude around here. He’s a kid, Trina—he likes to have all the attention on him. Second, this isn’t something that’s going to wear off. Jake is my son, I’m his father.”
“It’s all been so fast.” She held the plate for Rob as he piled up the burgers. He opened the rolls and placed them on the grill’s highest shelf.
“You know, for the last three months I’d planned to come here, one day during the week when you were home from work. I thought of calling first—TH can get anyone’s number—but didn’t want to scare you or have you worry about Jake’s safety.”
“Showing up here would have been a shock, that’s for sure. And you’re right—if you’d called first I would have thought it was some kind of twisted crank call. And I would have wondered from whom, as only my parents and brother know the entire story about the identity of Jake’s father. About you, I mean.”
“You never told anyone else?”
“I told people you’d been killed in the war, which on record you had. I wanted Jake to feel loved by both of his parents, even if one was deceased. I knew how painful you said it was for you as a foster kid, thinking that your mom and dad didn’t love you, and I also wanted to honor your memory.”
“Even though you couldn’t legally claim that I was Jake’s father.”
“I named you as Jake’s father on his birth certificate. I’m not all about what’s legal or correct in this world, Rob. Sure, I’m in law enforcement, but it’s more important to do what’s right than what’s legal at times. Don’t you agree?”
“Maybe.” He placed the toasted buns on a separate plate. “Looks like we’re ready here.”
“Jake, Ren, come on in.” Jake loped up to the back door, the dog’s tail wagging furiously as the boy untied the leash.
“Honey, put Ren in his crate and then wash your hands before you sit down.”
As they climbed the three steps on the back stoop into the kitchen, it hit Trina that they would appear like any other regular family to an outsider. Coming in from the grill, ready to eat dinner, a dog at their heels.
It scared the tater tots right out of her.
* * *
Rob stayed quiet throughout dinner, joking with Jake on and off, watching how his son ate everything on his plate and asked for seconds. And the kid didn’t expect dessert—Trina had instilled good nutritional habits, that was clear. But he was over-the-top jubilant about the biscuit raspberry shortcake Trina placed in front of him.
“Mom and I are going to go blueberry picking this weekend.”
“Isn’t berry season over?” He wasn’t a farmer or gardener by any means but had seen the signs for local strawberry farms disappear from the main highway, one by one, over the past two weeks.
“Blueberries are the last to come in. We are a little late this year, too, because of the cold spring.” Trina didn’t meet his eyes, and her back was in that ramrod-straight position that told him she was cranky about something. He wondered if this was going to be the status quo until he proved he was trustworthy. That he wasn’t going to disappear again.
“Blueberries stain your teeth real bad.” Jake’s exaggeration was so over-the-top that Rob reached over and tweaked his little nose.
“Is that so?”
Jake nodded. “Yes. First there are strawberries, then raspberries, then blueberries. But the blueberries grow on little trees. The strawberries and raspberries grow in the ground.”
“Hmm.” Rob didn’t know what to say, he was having so much fun watching his son—his son—demonstrate his knowledge. Jake was only five years old but appeared and acted two years older, in Rob’s opinion. Was this fatherly pride?
“Jake, I’m going to be working a lot these next few weeks, so Grandma or Uncle Nolan might have to pick you up from camp. Grandma will stay here if she drives down. I need you to take good care of Renegade if I’m late.”
“Can’t Rob pick me up from camp?”
“He’s busy with work, too.”
Jake nodded, his mouth full of whipped cream and berries. “Okay, Mom.” His tone indicated this was a common conversation.
“You’re growing up too quickly for your mom.” Trina ruffled his hair, and Rob loved how Jake leaned into it, absorbing her affection. Had his parents ever done that to him, before their addictions killed them? His memories were fuzzy at best, and his younger brother never claimed to have any recollection of life before foster care. He’d been in touch with his brother since coming back from the dead, but he hadn’t told him he was an uncle. Rob made a mental note to rectify that soon.
“I think I’ll go after we’re through. We have an early start tomorrow.” He meant his words for Trina, but Jake missed nothing.
“You can’t go, Rob! You have to read me my bedtime story.” Pure happiness burst into thousands of feel-good thrills in his chest. His son wanted him to stay.
“Jake.” Trina’s voice elicited a side stare from Jake. Rob bit his cheek not to laugh.
“I’m happy to stay. I thought you’d want me out of your hair.” Little had scared Rob, at least until a week ago. Now he measured each word he spoke by his desire to not overstep and lose whatever ground he’d gained with Trina on the Jake front.
You want to gain traction with Trina, too.
He did, but couldn’t count on it. He didn’t merit her love again. She deserved a man who didn’t walk away.
“That’s fine, Rob. I already told you, none of this—” she motioned at the table, including all three of them “—is an issue.” She meant his time with Jake. Was he a lesser man because he wanted her to make it clear that what existed between her and him was just as important, if not more so?
“All done!” Jake pushed his plate away, a king in his castle.
“To the sink with that, mister.” Trina was tough in the most loving way. Rob couldn’t get enough of it. “Your choice tonight, Jake. Bath or shower?”
“Shower!” He answered so quickly Rob couldn’t hold back his laugh this time. A reluctant grin lifted Trina’s mouth, and he let his gaze linger there, the way he wanted his lips to.
“Go shower and come back in your pajamas, please.” Trina looked at Rob. “I have to get the shower going, get the temperature right, for him.” She stood up, taking the remaining plates to the small laminate kitchen counter.
Rob followed her. “I’ve got this. You take care of our son.” He was behind her at the sink, her nape close enough to kiss.
He heard her breath suck in and imagined two spots of rosy awareness appearing on her cheeks. His hands had a mind of their own as he stood more fully behind her and massaged her shoulders. This was safer. If he started to kiss her he wouldn’t want to stop. There’d be too many questions from Jake if he found them together like that. It was too soon.
“That feels…wonderful.” Her muscles relaxed into his hands, and the satisfaction at comforting her was almost as good as if she’d given him the green light to make love to her again. Almost.
“Go on.” He dropped his arms and kept his hand from playfully swatting her bottom. It was a lovely ass, and he knew instinctively that if he ever wanted to touch it again, skin on skin, it had to be on Trina’s time.
“We’ll be in Jake’s room in about twenty minutes.” She handed him the soapy sponge, and they stood like that for a second.
“Take your time.” He started to rinse plates and load them into a dishwasher that looked like it was on its last cycle.
“Okay, well. Thank you, Rob.” She leaned up and gave him a kiss on the cheek before she disappeared up the stairs.
Rob whistled as he did the dishes, a sense of serenity he’d never experienced washing over him. A shoulder massage, a kiss on the cheek, all friendly gestures that could lead to more. Maybe. It was wait-and-see.
For the first time in forever, Rob was willing to wait as long as it took for something he wanted. For what was most worthwhile.
* * *
Rob loved reading to Jake and getting to be there again to watch Trina tuck him in. He stayed back near the door of Jake’s bedroom, not wanting to come on too strong.
“’Night, Rob.” Jake waved from his race car bed, and Rob winked at him.
“’Night, champ.”
He went down the stairs and waited for Trina to meet him. He kept expecting a rush of anxiety at the weight of becoming a parent to hit him, but all he felt was joy. Pure exhilaration at knowing he had a son. And he’d been given a second chance to know him. It was easy to think he had a second chance with Trina, too.
But was it smart?
“Hey.” Trina’s bare feet hadn’t made a sound until the last two steps.
“Hey, yourself.” He drew her into his arms, grateful that she didn’t stiffen or pull back. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Hmm?” Her cheek felt so good against his chest.
“I would like to see more of Jake. Regularly.”
She lifted her head, her expression wary. “Do you mean like custody?”
“Yes. No. No! Of course I want to take care of all of his financial needs, but I’d like a chance to spend time with him so that he gets used to me.”
“I am totally capable of providing for his financial needs. Isn’t time like tonight what you’re talking about? Coming over, getting to know him?”
“I want to do more than be your dinner guest, Trina.” Her eyes flared with heat at his words, and the energy went straight to his dick, already invested in the conversation as it was. He was going to need a long, cold shower tonight.
“That’s—that’s mutual.” She chewed her lower lip, and frustration made him place his hands on her shoulders, his forehead to hers. It had been their signature move in the desert all those years ago, and while this was a new beginning for them, he wanted her to know he meant what he said.
“Babe, I want you so bad I could take you up against this wall. But we’re going to go slow, so that we both know it’s for the right reasons.”
“What, no more frantic coupling in the middle of a family campsite?” She tried to be jovial, but he heard the pain that threaded through her question.
“That wasn’t frantic, it was pure instinct. Existential. We’ll talk about it for years to come.” He rubbed the insides of her wrists with his thumb. “Whether we’re able to make a go of it this time or not, it’s important that Jake know we’re here for him. I won’t have him be part of a family with two parents who don’t get along or worse, fight in front of him.”
“Rob, you’re not a bad parent. You’ve only been one as far as you knew for what, a week? Give this time.”
“Exactly. Will you let me help you? Can I be the other parent Jake never had until now?”
“I don’t think you’re giving me any other choice, are you?”
“You have every right to say no.”
“That’s not how I roll, Rob.” Her voice was husky with emotion, and he thrilled at the jolts of awareness that hopped across his chest and down to his very hard, very focused dick. He sighed before he could stop it.
“What?”
He gently stepped back and let go of her. “I’ve got to say goodbye now or risk permanent blue balls.”
* * *
The next morning she stared at the daisies Rob had given her as she drank her first cup of coffee. Jake would come barreling down the stairs at any minute, and she appreciated the quiet before the day started.
A rap at her back door startled her. Her mother was two hours north in Williamsport, and Nolan hadn’t texted he’d be by. Heart hammering, she stood up and walked to the door. Relief was followed by curiosity as she opened the door.
“Good morning!” Rob held out a potted flower.
“Come on in.” She accepted the plant, its ceramic container a beautiful work of blues, greens and golds that swirled tighter into a heart on the side. “Thank you. At this rate, I’m going to be able to open my own florist’s shop.”
“I noticed you’re in need of plants and flowers for the house. Where’s Jake?”
“He’s upstairs brushing his teeth. I don’t want to be rude, but I thought we’d agreed to meet at TH?”
“We did, and I changed my mind. Being a part of my son’s life isn’t the same as borrowing a library book. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I was only interested in seeing him in short spurts. I want it all, Trina.”
“That’s fair.”
“And I want my brother to know him. Jeremy is Jake’s only uncle on my side, and it’s important to me.”
She was touched by how much Rob had thought this out. “I don’t have a problem with that. Where does your brother live?”
“Believe it or not, less than two hours from here. He works at a resort as their head chef.” Pride laced his words. Trina loved how Rob might only have one relative but he made the most of it, never complained about losing his family of origin so young.
“He sounds a lot different than you.”
“Because he’s not LEA? He was in the Navy as a cook, for a short time. He used his GI bill to go to culinary school. It sounds different, cooking versus bringing down bad guys, but they both require a level of focus and attention to detail.”
She thought about how Rob’s attention to detail, crucial in a successful mission, translated to the bedroom. What was she going to do with her feelings for this man? They were discussing Jake’s custody and parenting, something that could become so contentious. And yet, even knowing they might not make it as a couple, she wanted him. Needed him.
“Rob, I’ve been thinking, too. I can’t, I won’t let Jake think we’re all going to be together when the chance is so slim.”
His gaze met hers and she saw his understanding. But there was more. A simmering heat that she knew was reflected in her eyes, too.
“Is it, Trina? A slim chance?”
Desire exploded between them, and Trina’s body reacted as it always did to Rob. From the exquisite friction as her nipples rubbed up against her sundress to the heat that pooled between her legs and made said limbs wobbly, she was a goner.
He moved in, his lips meeting hers with no other touch involved. The kiss was hot, expert on both their parts. But it wasn’t the sexual arousal that made Trina’s insides melt, that tugged at the walls around her soul. It was their connection. Her physical compatibility with Rob was due to this enigmatic link they’d shared since he’d climbed aboard her P-8 in Iraq.
“Mom! Are you okay?”
Trina and Rob jerked apart, and to her extreme dismay, Jake stood right next to them, toothpaste on his mouth.
“I’m fine, honey bunny.” She let out breath and knelt to his level. “Rob and I are very good friends.”
He shrugged. “I know, Mom. Hey, Rob!” He hugged Rob’s leg tightly, and another brick in her wall crumbled. What was she doing? It was one thing if she had to face the reality of not making a lifetime with Rob because of her own trust issues. But to ever have to see Jake grieve over the loss of a father—unthinkable.
“Mom, we have to get to camp. We’re collecting bugs with exoskeletons today.” Jake had lost interest in the kiss once he knew his mom was okay. And he soaked up Rob’s friendly attention like a dry sponge.
“Okay, let’s go. Rob, you can come with us since we’re going to work together today. Jake, Rob and I work together at our job.”
“You told me that, Mom. So Rob, you’re a marshal like Mommy?”
“Ah, yes. In a way.”
They got out of the house, and as she buckled Jake into his booster seat she felt Rob’s gaze and met his eyes. They’d shifted from lovers to parents as if it was a natural progression. As if she could somehow overcome her fear that he’d disappear again.
* * *
They dropped Jake at his day camp with little fanfare, as he was still pooped from last night’s excitement. Other than family, Trina explained to Rob that she didn’t have a lot of folks over for dinner during the week, and he was the first person they’d had to dinner in the new house, period.
“Bye, Mom.” Rob watched Jake hug Trina on the sidewalk with his big-boy persona. A surge of delight hit him when Jake looked over Trina’s shoulder and waved at him. He waved back, smiling in spite of his churning gut. Dread filled every corner of Rob’s being as he watched the quintessentially familial scene. He couldn’t tamp down the pure love he felt for his son, the incredible sense of ownership he had as Jake jogged away from the car at the drop-off point and joined the group of children sitting in a circle.
“Bye, honey.” Trina waved, her dress swaying about her sexy body.
“He really likes you.” Trina slid her sunglasses back onto her nose and drove away from the school building.
“Does it ever get easier?” He spoke around the huge lump in his throat.
“What?” She shot him a quick once-over. “Dang, I forgot that all of this is brand-new for you. You’re upset at having to watch him go off to a group of strangers, right?”
Yes, that was part of what was bothering him.
“Yeah.”
“It gets easier. I remind myself that it’s healthy for him to have a break from me, and vice versa. Plus kids need other trusted adults to be authority figures. And of course the bottom line has always been that I have to work, so it’s part of our life.”
“You’d never be a stay-at-home mom, not full time. I don’t see you doing that.”
“It’s easy to think that, I get it, but when he was very tiny I wanted out of the Navy so badly, wanted to be able to spend every moment with him. Reality set in at about six months. I’m a much better mom when I’ve taken care of myself first, and yes, for me that means my career.”
“Have you thought of a safer one?”
“As I’ve said before, I’m called to this profession, in one form or another. You of all people understand that. And consider—would you ask a man the same thing?”
“I wouldn’t question any other man’s choice. Or woman’s. But you’re my son’s mother.” A mental scene flashed in front of him. What if Jake had a full-time dad? What if Trina didn’t have to worry about childcare, after-school care, who’d drive Jake to his sporting events?
“Don’t go there, Rob.”
“Where?”
“You’re thinking you could be his full-time parent, right? Trust me, I’ve put myself through all the scenarios. It’s tough no matter what job you leave for in the morning. You’ll figure it out. Give yourself time.”
* * *
As Trina continued to train with Trail Hikers over the next month, she and Rob fell into a routine with Jake. Rob asked to split up the schedule as far as drop-off and pickup, and they went to his summer soccer league games together.
“It’s more like pee wee or bumblebee soccer.” They stood at edge of a small soccer field. Rob spoke from the side of his mouth, his gaze riveted on Jake in the early-evening light. Trina stifled a giggle.
“It’s not the World Cup, but the kids seem to really enjoy it.” Jake got the ball and started to dribble it stiltedly up the field for a few steps before he was swarmed by a half dozen other players, all no more than three feet tall. It was pure American little-kid soccer, and she loved it.
“He’s a natural. Look at how he’s able to maneuver it out of that group.” Rob sounded as though Jake was performing brain surgery instead of making his earliest attempts at playing the game.
“I have to admit that if this turns out to be his favorite sport it’s from your genes. I never wanted anything to do with running. I was a tree climber.”
Rob turned to her, his attention rapt. She still hadn’t gotten used to his intensity in a civilian, downright family setting.
“You’re still pretty good at climbing.”
“Hey, keep it G-rated, mister.” She slapped lightly at his upper arm, aware of the other parents checking them out. She was usually the lone single mother out here, with Nolan or one of her parents with her. Rob’s good looks and graceful physicality drew attention wherever he went, and in Silver Valley word traveled quickly. She wasn’t ready to explain exactly who Rob was in her life and what he meant to Jake. Not until Jake knew Rob was his father. Although their behavior lent itself well to the op, as an engaged couple.
“Relax. You care more than anyone else.” To prove his point he nuzzled her shoulder, bared by her tank top. The summer heat did nothing to her compared to Rob’s lips against her skin. He stood behind her and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist, waiting for her to let go and trust the moment.
They hadn’t made love again, but their kisses were becoming more frantic as the weeks wore on. Part of her wished Jake already knew Rob was his father, and that maybe, just maybe, she and Rob could agree to give their relationship a fighting chance.
She leaned back so that he’d hear her as the parents around them cheered on their little tykes. “I’ll let you get away with it this time. I trust you not to do anything too blatant.”
Trust. The illusive criterion for her to even begin to consider a serious relationship with Rob, beyond sharing parenthood. In his arms under the softly falling twilight, with fireflies sparking and cicadas singing, it seemed possible.