A sense of foreboding gnawed at Laney as she and Luke walked arm in arm toward the house. That was not a mere kiss of passion from a man more than ready to be married. It was something more. Fear railed against reason. What was wrong with Luke? He had gone from passionate to gentle to sullen in the span of thirty minutes. Now she couldn’t drag two words out of him.
She had asked him what was wrong, but he insisted everything was fine. He wasn’t being honest, and Laney didn’t like it one bit. A horrid thought wormed into her mind. What if Luke’s mood had to do with a certain Miss DuPres? She was everything Luke had admitted he thought a woman should be. Soft. Womanly. Someone a man could take care of. Laney could just bet that Miss DuPres would never even be tempted to lead a dance. The woman was as curvy as a winding road, too. A man couldn’t help but admire that. Laney cast an unhappy glance down at her own figure. She had about as many curves as little Jane.
Before they even reached the house, they were greeted by the heavenly smells of roast beef and freshly baked bread. Laney’s mouth watered. Pa had refused to come to supper, so Laney had warmed up yesterday’s stew, grabbed Jane, and left him to sulk on his pallet while they were gone.
Guilt pricked her at the thought of him all alone, slurping warmed stew, but she quickly pushed it aside. After all, she thought bitterly, she had given everything for him—even though he surely didn’t deserve it. Couldn’t she enjoy one dinner with her fiancé and the family without his sourness weaseling in to ruin it for her?
And she tried. How she tried to enjoy the time around the St. John table—like old times. Customary laughter prevailed over the supper table, and the loving looks that passed between Mama Cassidy and Papa Dell filled Laney with longing. How could two people love and laugh so perfectly? She knew the story of Mama Cassidy and Emily coming to Papa Dell by wagon train and how the first few months were difficult between Mama Cassidy and Papa Dell. But looking at them now, no one would guess they hadn’t always been in love. Mama Cassidy had shared with Laney once that sometimes love was hard-hitting and fast, snatching your breath away like a sudden wind. And sometimes it happened slowly over the years. Hers and Dell’s, she’d said, was like a twister. It came suddenly and brought with it all sorts of disasters until God’s peace calmed their storms.
Laney glanced at Luke from the corner of her eye. Theirs was a slow love. It had grown from friendship and had almost slipped by unnoticed. But the way Luke was acting now, she worried that perhaps he had decided he didn’t feel any kind of love at all. Was his odd kiss similar to the one she had given him last year? Some sort of test? Maybe she had failed. A gasp escaped her. What if he didn’t want to raise Jane? Or have to put up with her sickly pa?
Luke turned and caught her perusal. He winked, smiled, and captured her hand under the table. Laney smiled, and for a while her fears calmed once again.
Luke gripped Laney’s tiny hand, careful not to hold too tightly. Desperation clawed at him, and he feared Vivienne or someone else would mention Oregon at any moment. He intended to speak with Laney soon, but not yet. He glanced at her practically untouched plate and willed her to hurry and finish so he could usher her out of the house before someone spoke up.
“Not hungry?” he asked.
“Hmm? Oh. I guess not.”
“Are you feeling all right, Laney?” Ma’s all-knowing gaze studied her. “You are looking a mite peaked. Are you working too hard again?”
Relief overtook Luke. If Ma started in on Laney about working too hard and not eating enough, he was safe from anyone bringing up his own dreaded topic before he could discuss it with her.
Laney gave Ma a half smile. “No ma’am. I’m fine. Just not very hungry. Although the food is marvelous.”
Granny harrumphed from her place directly across the table from Laney. “Don’t you think I’d make her rest if we were working too hard? That was the whole point of my helping out over there.”
“Of course, Granny,” Ma said, her cheeks going pink. “I didn’t mean to imply you were remiss in your duty to our Laney.”
Luke’s heart soared when Laney squeezed his hand and grinned at him during the exchange between Granny and Ma.
“I should say not. Besides, if she’s peaked, it’s not because Mr. Tucker’s overworking her. It’s because of that pa of hers.”
Jane gasped, and Granny cut her a glance. “I’m sorry, Jane. I know we had a bargain, but you know your pa can be quite a trial for Laney.”
Luke noticed that the little girl looked ready to argue, then her face softened, and she nodded. “Yes ma’am. I reckon you’re right.” She screwed up her face. “But he ain’t no rascal!”
“Well, we won’t argue about that. Now you children finish your supper. Granny has some licorice sticks Mr. Tucker sent home with me last week.”
Cat, Hope, Will, and Jane shared smiles among themselves and went about cleaning their plates.
Luke was just beginning to relax back into the comfort of his family when Vivienne spoke up. “Speaking of your pa, will he travel west, too, Laney?”
Laney gave her a blank stare. “Why would my pa go west? He can barely go to the out—well, he can barely get out of bed—although he does seem to be feeling a mite better these days. But not nearly well enough to travel. I suppose he’ll stay with me until…” Her gaze darted to her sister. “He’ll stay with me,” she finished.
“I see. So you’ll be joining Luke in Oregon…” She followed Laney’s example and darted a glance at Jane. “Afterward?”
Luke wanted to slip under the table and slither outside unnoticed, now that Miss DuPres had opened up the topic he most feared. Why hadn’t he just talked it over with Laney while he’d had the chance?
“Oregon? How did you know about that? Besides, Luke already decided not to go.”
Vivienne’s face brightened. “Good for you, Luke! You took my advice after all. I told you, this is a wonderful place to lay down roots and start a family.”
“Your advice?” Laney said.
Luke squirmed while Laney glanced at him, then turned a scowl on Miss DuPres. “Luke decided not to go west months ago, before he even met you.”
Pa cleared his throat. Thankfully Luke turned his attention toward the head of the table. “Have you decided for sure not to head west, son? I can always keep you on as manager and pay Floyd what I promised him just to stay on as a hand. Unless you and Laney have decided to go ahead and try to build your own herd. You let me know if I can help.”
“Oh Luke,” Ma said, tears choking her voice. “I’m so relieved. I couldn’t bear the thought of you and Laney off hundreds of miles from home.”
Luke closed his eyes for a moment as Laney slapped both hands flat against the table and sprang to her feet all in one motion. “Everyone stop for just a minute.” She turned the full force of her glare on Luke. “Have you changed our plans without telling me? Because everyone here seems to think you’re headed to Oregon and that I’m heading there with you.”
Luke stood and cupped her elbow. “Let’s go outside and talk.”
She jerked away from him. “I’m not going anywhere with you. You’ve humiliated me in front of the whole family—plus one—now you can just tell me the truth in front of everyone, you low-down, low-down—”
Realizing she wasn’t going to come up with an appropriate follow-up, Luke interrupted. “I wasn’t keeping anything from you. I just hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet.”
The hostility in Laney’s expression gave way to a worried frown. Luke wanted to hold her close and kiss away that fear; but with the family watching, all he could do was be honest and say what she apparently had already figured out.
“Pa hired Floyd Henderson to run the ranch. He suggested I might want to hitch up with the wagon train in Council Grove in a couple of months. I—I wanted to discuss it with you.”
Cold brown eyes stared back at him from a now-expressionless face. “Jane honey,” Laney said without breaking their gaze. “We’re leaving now.”
“But I didn’t get my licorice stick!”
“I’ll get you one tomorrow from Tucker’s. Get your things now.”
The little girl moved to do as she was told. Laney’s voice lowered in volume and tone. “Hitch yourself to that wagon train, Luke. But you’re not hitching yourself to me, too. And don’t think you’re going to come back and claim me after you’ve been gone awhile. No matter how much I ache for you, I’ll never leave this town.”
“Laney…”
She shook her head vigorously, her eyes wide, nostrils flared. “I told you before that Harper is my home. It’s my sister’s home now, too—look at how attached she already is to your family—and it’s even my pa’s home until he passes on. This is where my life is. I want to spend the rest of my days here. Get that through your head. I am never leaving.”
Luke reached for her. “I’ll stay. We’ll get married like we planned.”
Evading his grasp, she moved behind her chair. She spoke as though she had forgotten everyone seated around the table. “I never wanted to be your second choice.”
“Second choice?” Did she think he loved Miss DuPres? “Laney, there’s no one else.”
A short laugh spurted from her lips. “There may or may not be another woman laying claim to your affections, Luke, but that’s not even the point. I don’t want to be second choice to your lost dream. You’d always blame me that you didn’t have a chance to build your own dynasty in Oregon.”
“That’s not true, honey. Let’s just forget about Oregon. I don’t want to lose you.”
Laney continued as though she hadn’t heard him. “You would always be thinking of the what-ifs; and I and any young’uns we had would always be responsibilities rather than gifts from God. If I ever marry, I want to be my husband’s first dream, after God—not something he settles for because of a promise. Good-bye, Luke. I don’t hold any grudges against you, and I truly hope Oregon is everything you want it to be.”
Laney grabbed Jane around the shoulders, and the two left quietly through the door.
Luke watched her leave, pain knifing through him in a way he’d never thought possible.
Silence reigned around the table. Even the children refrained from making comments.
“Oh my,” Miss DuPres finally said. “I am mortified at my stupidity. Luke, I beg your pardon for speaking when I had no right.”
She sounded so contrite, her face ashen, that Luke softened toward her immediately. He smiled. “It’s not your fault, ma’am. I should have brought it up before Laney and I came inside.”
Luke pushed in his chair and stepped out onto the porch. He sighed heavily and swallowed hard past a lump in his throat. Even if he wanted to stay in Harper, he’d never convince Laney he wasn’t doing it out of some sense of guilt or responsibility.
He let out a groan and raked his fingers through his hair. How had he made such a mess of everything? He had always dreamed of going west, but now he wasn’t so sure it was worth it if he had to lose Laney in the process. Suddenly all of his visions of lush green fields gave way to a dismal, brown emptiness of a winter with no snow. What point was there to a dream if he couldn’t share it with the one person who mattered?