CHAPTER 15
The Dún Laoghaire-Rathdown County Council decided my property would be included on one of three proposed routes for the Southern Cross link of the M50. They hadn’t made a definite decision at that stage, but told me that if they decided on the area in which ‘Four Winds’ was situated, then the road would be running straight through my bedroom. Obviously, potential buyers would be put off, but nevertheless I put the house up for sale and opened it for viewing. One prospective buyer offered me €2.3 million, but when they did their research and found that the Council had plans to run a road through the area they backed off, and who could blame them?
I looked for a Compulsory Purchase Order from the Council but they wouldn’t grant one as they had not made a final decision. I kept telephoning over and over to see if they had made up their minds about where the road was going but it was no use, they were really unhelpful. There were days when it all got too much for me but I never let the house and garden go untended. I planted flowers in the garden and mowed the lawns myself.
The Dún Laoghaire-Rathdown County Council didn’t run the M50 through ‘Four Winds’ in the end, but it took them 12 years to come to that decision.
In late 1996, soon after the Council had made their decision not to go ahead with their road plans, they announced their intention to put 20 families in 24 caravans on a site for the travelling community in Blackglen Road beside my house. It just didn’t make any sense because the Council had repeatedly refused permission to have the entrances to the private houses opening on to the road on the grounds that the road was too narrow. I, along with the other residents, objected because the road was only 16 feet wide, without a footpath, and had the same usage as the Tallaght Bypass! I was concerned also because we were surrounded by gorse and fires occurred every summer.
The matter went to the High Court and the objections of the local residents were overruled. Letters appeared in The Irish Times, pointing out that it was proposed to spend €1 million on a halting site (a caravan site for travellers) that the travelling community themselves had described as a ghetto. An election was imminent and we lobbied our representatives. My neighbours and I decided to make a protest and sat on the road to prove it was not a suitable place for cars and caravans. The Gardaí were called to remove us, the newspapermen arrived and it was all great publicity for our cause. In February 1997 the matter came before the Supreme Court, when the previous judgment was overruled and a recommendation made that the proposed halting site should be located elsewhere. At least that catastrophe was averted and had provided a temporary diversion from my troubles.
My situation remained the same, and if I could have afforded bottles of wine I might have knocked myself out. I was penniless and all alone and I knew I had to do something to survive. I went to a small office in Cabinteely at the back of the church to a branch of the Citizens Advice Bureau. The woman I met there was Anna Kenny, a wonderful lady and to this day a great friend. She knew who I was, recognised me straight away, but she never let on. Anna just listened to me as I told her my position, with tears rolling down my face. After hearing my story, she tried to explain to me that there was no disgrace in receiving social welfare. I had always worked hard all my life and the idea of walking into a dole office was difficult for me, especially because I had been in the public eye for so long and would, no doubt, be recognised. The whole thing was embarrassing, but beggars without any food in the house can’t be choosers.
Anna filled in all the forms and rang someone in the Dún Laoghaire social welfare office and let them know I would be coming. The official there came out of his office soon after I arrived and so I didn’t have to stand in the queue for too long. Nevertheless, it was humiliating. I had been called upon to receive so many awards, cups and accolades over the years and now I was reduced to this. It was hard to take and I know I’m not alone; lots of people have to go through these indignities.
Receiving the social welfare was a lifesaver and at least I had enough to keep me going, but still, the future was bleak: I was alone, I rarely went out and many of my so-called friends had disappeared. I can identify with people I read about in the newspapers today, who are homeless or in debt through no fault of their own, because it is a terrible situation to be in. I don’t believe I was suffering from depression – that’s a clinical illness that can be helped with medication and therapy – I just felt hopeless and hated myself for it. It felt as if I couldn’t do anything right. I suppose it’s the same phenomenon that makes me remember the rallies that I didn’t finish more than the ones that I did – I don’t blame others, I blame myself.
One small lamplight was shining as I sat in the little conservatory one evening with my dogs beside me: Blackie on one side and Zac, my big Alsatian, on the other. All I had was a box of Maltesers and I was feeding them to the dogs, one for Blackie, one for Zac and one for myself. I looked at the fishpond outside and I thought if I went face down in that now, it would all be over in a few minutes – it would have been so easy. I had nothing to live for. People would say she was always a bit odd, we knew she would do something like that, and that would be the end of it. They wouldn’t know what had happened in my life – as far as the general public was concerned, I was a success. Some of my closest ‘friends’ were no longer around; when all the parties stopped and the drink didn’t flow, they just didn’t want to know any more. I was thousands of pounds in debt with no hope of getting money from anybody and very soon the house was going to be repossessed. The only asset I had was my little car.
Those two dogs sitting at my feet must have known instinctively what was on my mind. Blackie put her paw on my knee and looked at me with her great big black eyes, while Zac nuzzled me. In that instant, I looked down at them and thought, the bastards are not going to get the better of me.