It is night again around me; I feel as though there had been lightning—for a brief span of time I was entirely in my element and in my light.
—NIETZSCHE
The mind loves the unknown. It loves images whose meaning is unknown, since the meaning of the mind itself is unknown.
—MAGRITTE
I wore Buster Keaton’s expression of exaggerated calm. I could have been sitting on the edge of a cliff with my back to the abyss trying to look normal.
Now I read philosophy in the morning. When I was younger and lived in the city it was always at night. “That’s how you ruined your eyes,” my mother keeps saying. I sat and read late into the night. The quieter it got, the more clearheaded I became—or so it seemed to me. In a sparsely furnished room above an Italian grocery, I would be struggling with some intricate philosophical argument that promised a magnificent insight at its conclusion. I could sense it with my whole being. I couldn’t put the book away, and it was getting really late. I had to be at work in the morning. Even had I tried to sleep, my head would have been full of Kant or Hegel. So, I wouldn’t sleep. At some point I’d make that decision. I’d be sitting there with the open book, my face reflected dimly in the dark windowpane, the great city all around me grown quiet. I was watching myself watch myself. A very strange experience.
The first time it happened I was twenty. It was six o’clock in the morning. It was winter. It was dark and very cold. I was in Chicago riding the El to work seated between two heavily bundled-up old women. The train was overheated, but each time the door opened at one of the elevated platforms, a blast of cold air would send shivers through us. The lights, too, kept flickering. As the train changed tracks, the lights would go out for a moment and I would stop reading the history of philosophy I had borrowed from the library the previous day. “Why is there something rather than nothing?” the book asked, quoting Parmenides. It was as if my eyes were opened. I could not stop looking at my fellow passengers. How incredible, I thought, all of us being here, existing.
Philosophy is like a homecoming. I have a recurring dream about the street where I was born. It is always night. I’m walking past vaguely familiar buildings trying to find our house, but somehow it is not there. I retrace my steps on that short block of only a few buildings, all of which are there except the one I want. The effort leaves me exhausted and saddened.
In another version of this same dream, I catch a glimpse of our house. There it is, at last, but for some reason I’m unable to get any closer to it. No lights are on. I look for our window, but it is even darker there on the third floor. The entire building seems abandoned. “It can’t be,” I tell myself in horror.
Once in one of these dreams, many years ago, I saw someone at our window, hunched over as if watching the street intently. That’s how my grandmother would wait late into the night for us to come home, except that this was a stranger. Even without being able to make out his face, I was sure of that.
Most of the time, however, there’s no one in sight during the dream. The facades of buildings still retain their pockmarks and other signs of the war. The streetlights are out and there’s no moon in the sky, so it’s not clear to me how I am able to see all this in complete darkness. The street I am walking on is long, empty, and seemingly without end.
Whoever reads philosophy reads himself as much as he reads the philosopher. I am in dialogue with certain decisive events in my life as much as I am with the ideas on the page. Meaning is the matter of my existence. My effort to understand is a perpetual circling around a few obsessive images.
Like everyone else, I have my hunches. All my experiences make a kind of untaught ontology, which precedes all my readings. What I am trying to conceptualize with the help of the philosopher is that which I have already intuited.
That’s one way of looking at it.
The Meditation of yesterday filled my mind with so many doubts that it is no longer in my power to forget them. And yet, I do not see in what manner I can resolve them; and, just as if I had all of a sudden fallen into very deep water, I am so disconcerted that I can neither make certain of setting my feet on the bottom, nor can I swim and so support myself on the surface. I shall nevertheless make an effort and follow anew the same path as that on which I yesterday entered, i.e., I shall proceed by setting aside all that in which the least doubt could be supposed to exist, just as if I had discovered that it was absolutely false; and I shall ever follow in this road until I have met with something which is certain, or at least, if I can do nothing else, until I have learned for certain that there’s nothing in the world that is certain. Archimedes, in order that he might draw the terrestrial globe out of its place, and transport it elsewhere, demanded only that one point should be fixed and immovable; in the same way I shall have the right to conceive high hopes if I am happy enough to discover one thing only which is certain and indubitable.
I love this passage of Descartes; his beginning again, his not wanting to be fooled. It describes the ambition of philosophy in all its nobility and desperation. I prefer this doubting Descartes to the later one, famous in his certainties. The poetry of indeterminacy still casts its spell. Of course, he’s greedy for the absolute, but so is everybody else. Or are they?
There’s an Eastern European folk song that tells of a girl who kept tossing an apple higher and higher until she tossed it as high as the clouds. To her surprise the apple didn’t come down. One of the clouds got it. She waited with arms outstretched, but the apple stayed up there. All she could do was plead with the cloud to return her apple, but that’s another story. I like the first part when the impossible still reigns.
I remember lying in a ditch and staring at some pebbles while German bombers were flying over our heads. That was long ago. I don’t remember the face of my mother nor the faces of the people who were there with us, but I still see those perfectly ordinary pebbles.
“It is not ‘how’ things are in the world that is mystical, but that it exists,” says Wittgenstein. I felt precisely that. Time had stopped. I was watching myself watching the pebbles and trembling with fear. Then time moved on and the experience was over.
The pebbles stayed in their otherness, stayed forever in my memory. Can language do justice to such moments of heightened consciousness? Speech is always less. When it comes to conveying what it means to be truly conscious, one approximates, one fails miserably.
Wittgenstein puts it this way: “What finds its reflection in language, language cannot represent. What expresses ‘itself’ in language, we cannot express by means of language.” This has been my experience many times. Words are impoverishments, splendid poverties.
I knew someone who once tried to persuade me otherwise. He considered himself a logical positivist. These are people who remind you, for example, that you can speak of a pencil’s dimension, location, appearance, and state of motion or rest but not of its intelligence and love of music. The moment I hear that, the poet in me rebels and I want to write a poem about an intelligent pencil in love with music. In other words, what these people regard as nonsense, I suspect to be full of imaginative possibilities.
There’s a wonderful story told about Wittgenstein and his Cambridge colleague, the Italian economist Piero Sraffa. Apparently they often discussed philosophy. “One day,” as Justus Hartnack has it, “when Wittgenstein was defending his view that a proposition has the same logical form as the fact it depicts, Sraffa made a gesture used by Neapolitans to express contempt and asked Wittgenstein what the logical form of that was? According to Wittgenstein’s own recollection, it was this question which made him realize that his belief that a fact could have a logical form was untenable.”
As for my “logical” friend, we argued all night. “What cannot be said, cannot be thought,” he claimed. And then—after I blurted out something about silence being the language of consciousness—“You’re silent because you have nothing to say!” In any case, it got to the point where we were calling each other “you dumb shit.” We were drinking large quantities of red wine, misunderstanding each other totally, and only stopped bickering when his disheveled wife came to the bedroom door and told us to shut up.
Then I told him a story.
One day in Yugoslavia, just after the war, we made a class trip to the town War Museum. At the entrance we found a battered German tank, which delighted us. Inside the museum one could look at a few rifles, hand grenades, and uniforms, but not much else. Most of the space was taken up by photographs. These we were urged to examine. One saw people who had been hanged and people about to be hanged. The executioners stood around smoking. There were piles of corpses everywhere. Some were naked. Men and women with their genitals showing. That made some kid laugh.
Then we saw a man having his throat cut. The killer sat on the man’s chest with a knife in his hand. He seemed pleased to be photographed. The victim’s eyes I don’t remember. A few men stood around gawking. There were clouds in the sky.
There were always clouds, blades of grass, tree stumps, bushes, and rocks no one was paying any attention to. In one photograph the earth was covered with snow. A miserable, teeth-chattering January morning and someone making someone else’s life even more miserable. Or the rain would be falling. A small, hard rain that would wash the blood off the hands immediately, that would make one of the killers catch a bad cold. I imagined him sitting that same night with feet in a bucket of hot water and sipping tea.
That occurred to me later. Now that we had seen all there was to see, we were made to sit on the lawn outside the museum and eat our lunch. It was poor fare. Most of us had plum jam spread on slices of bread. A few had lard sprinkled with paprika. One kid had nothing but bread and scallions. I guess that’s all they had at his home that day. Everybody thought it was funny. Someone snatched his thick slice of black bread and threw it up in the air. It got caught in a tree. The poor kid tried to get it down by throwing stones at it. He kept missing. Then he tried climbing the tree. He kept sliding back. Even our teacher who came to see what the commotion was all about thought it was hilarious.
As for the grass, there was plenty of it, each blade distinct and carefully sharpened, as it were. There were also clouds in the sky and many large flies of the kind one encounters in slaughterhouses, which kept pestering us and interrupting our laughter.
And here’s what went through my head just last night as I lay awake thinking of my friend’s argument:
The story you told him had nothing to do with what you were talking about.
The story had everything to do with what we were talking about.
I can think of a hundred objections after all these years.
Only idiots want something neat, something categorical—and I never talk unless I know!
Aha! You’re mixing poetry and philosophy. Wittgenstein wouldn’t give you the time of day!
“Everything looks very busy to me,” says Jasper Johns, and that’s my problem, too.
I remember a strange cat, exceedingly emaciated, that scratched on my door the day I was scratching my head over Hegel’s Phenomenology of the Spirit.
Who said, “Whatever can be thought must be fictitious”?
You got me there! How about a bagel Hegel?
Still and all . . . And above all! Let’s not forget “above all.”
Here’s what Nietzsche said to the ceiling: “The rank of the philosopher is determined by the rank of his laughter.” But he couldn’t really laugh. No matter how hard Friedrich tried, he couldn’t really laugh.
I know because I’m a connoisseur of paradox. All the good-looking oxymorons are in love with me and come to visit me in my bed at night.
Have a tomato Plato!
*
Wallace Stevens has several beautiful poems about solitary readers. “The House Was Quiet and the World Was Calm” is one. It speaks of a “truth in a calm world.” It happens! The world and the mind growing so calm that truth becomes visible.
It must be late at night “where shines the light that lets be the things that are”—the light of insomnia. The solitude of the reader of philosophy and the solitude of the philosopher drawing together. The impression that one is thinking and anticipating another man’s subtlest turns of thought and beginning to truly understand.
Understanding depends on the relationship of what we are to what we have been: the being of the moment. Consciousness stirring up our conscience, our history. Consciousness as the light of clarity and history as the dark night of the soul.
The pleasures of philosophy are the pleasures of reduction—the epiphanies of hinting in a few words at complex matters. Both poetry and philosophy, for instance, are concerned with Being. What is a lyric poem, one might say, but the recreation of the experience of Being. In both cases, that need to get it down to its essentials, to say the unsayable and let the truth of Being shine through.
History, on the other hand, is antireductive. Nothing tidy about it. Chaos! Bedlam! Hopeless tangle! My own history and the history of this century like a child and his blind mother on the street. She mumbles, talks to herself, sings and wails as she leads the way across some busy intersection.
You’d think the sole meaning of history is to stand truth happily upon its head!
Poor poetry. Like imperturbable Buster Keaton alone with the woman he loves on an ocean liner set adrift on the stormy sea. Or an even better example: Again drifting over an endless ocean, he comes across a billboard, actually a target for battleship practice. Keaton climbs it, takes out his fishing rod and bait, and fishes peacefully. That’s what great poetry is. A superb serenity in the face of chaos. Wise enough to play the fool.
And always the contradictions: I have Don Quixote and his windmills in my head and Sancho Panza and his mule kicking in my heart.
That’s just some figure of speech. Who could live without them? Do they tell the truth? Do they conceal it? I really don’t know. That’s why I keep going back to philosophy. I want to learn how to think clearly about these matters.
It is morning. It is night. The book is open. The text is difficult, the text is momentarily opaque. My mind is wandering. My mind is struggling to grasp the always elusive, the always hinting—whatever it is.
It, it, I keep calling it. An infinity of “it” without a single antecedent—like a cosmic static in my ear.
Just then, about to give up, I find the following on a page of Heidegger: “No thinker has ever entered into another thinker’s solitude. Yet it is only from its solitude that all thinking, in a hidden mode, speaks to the thinking that comes after or that went before.”
For a moment it all comes together: poetry, philosophy, history. I see—in the sense of being able to picture and feel—the human weight of another’s solitude. So many of them seated with a book. Day breaking. Thought becoming image. Image becoming thought.
____________
Written for the special issue of Antaeus on the pleasures of reading and first published in 1987.