A whole new ballgame
Dear Diary,
Just when life had been so good, I made a horrible mistake. All I need is one more source of stress in my life, right?
Last weekend I was at a party. I was still feeling bad about being dumped, so I started to drink. There were no other girls there. Normally this would not be a strange occurrence for me; I have a lot of guy friends. But something was different last weekend.
There was this little feeling in the back of my head, and down in my gut, that said something was off. I didn’t listen. Instead I chose to ignore it, thinking I was being stupid. It turns out, the decision to ignore my instincts was what was stupid.
As soon as I'd taken my first sip of alcohol, he'd started to encourage me. I hadn't thought anything was wrong with this. After all, lots of my guy friends encouraged me before; they’d find it funny I was such a lightweight. They knew that’s why I rarely drank. Occasionally they’d even tease me and dared me to match them, drink for drink. I never did. Sometimes I pretended to match them, every other sip being water.
But last weekend I could be influenced. With my recent breakup so close behind me, it had been easy to encourage a huge amount of alcohol down my throat and directly into my bloodstream.
He'd kept encouraging me to down more as he fondled the same bottle of beer all night. While he nursed that same drink, though I never realized it until after, I'd begun to lose more and more control. Before I knew it, I was in the blackout stage. I'd done such stupid things. I hadn't noticed I had lost my shoe. I'd run around the wet yard in my socks and cold weather.
Mortifying.
Honestly, I don’t remember all that much after the first half-hour. I can pull up small spurts of time from the depths of my brain, but that’s it. Most of the rest I can piece together I have been told since. I don’t try too hard either. I cringe more from actual memories than the stories I have been told.
I now know I lost my virginity that night. Someone got me so drunk, I let that horrible jerk into my pants and my body. I gave him something I can never get back. And I can’t even remember my first time. It wasn’t special. It wasn’t even recorded into my memory.
No one stopped me. No one had even tried to intervene. People who I considered to be my friends had watched as he'd encouraged me to drink and had taken advantage of a confused, lonely, and drunk virgin. I guess it had been consensual at the time. As far as I can remember, I didn’t ever say no. I may have said, “I’m not sure,” or “This is probably something I shouldn’t do,” but I don’t have the ability to recall. I’m not sure I had the capability or sense to say no anymore.
After he'd convinced me, I'd eventually said yes. But that doesn’t mean he hadn't taken advantage of me. He'd done everything he needed to do. By pouring my strong drink, using the knowledge that I'd been recently dumped so he could work off my insecurities and loneliness, he'd gotten me where he wanted me, and then he'd taken advantage of me. My virginity had been taken, and I can’t even remember it.
I'd been so stupid.
I wish with all I have inside of me I could take it back. I wish everyone in school didn’t already know so quickly. I wish I could take the stress of all of this off of my shoulders.
I know I will get over it. I will let it go, I will move on, and I will feel better. But right now, I don’t feel good about myself. Actually I don’t even feel good physically. I feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about my awful mistakes.
I’m so hurt.
I’m so stressed.
Why does this need to add to the stress of my breakup? I’ve entered into a whole new ballgame now, and I know I just need to keep learning to cope with everything I’m thrown. I have done it before, and I can do it again.
I understand I am capable of adapting without falling into my old destructive patterns. It may take a lot of work, but it is something I have to be able to do.