Dear Diary,

I’m not exactly sure when I became depressed, but I’m sure now that I am. Though I understand the progression was slow and building, it feels anything but. It seems as if I've been thrown down, hard to the ground quickly by a bully, big and heavy, and now I’m being held there against my will.

There is no end in sight.

Little things seem to bother me a lot more than they used to, even more than the pencil incident. Everything takes on a huge flare for the dramatic. Wait, let me correct that. The upsetting takes on a flare for the dramatic. Bad is worse. But happy things are never very exciting, instead they’ve leveled out. A lot feels different.

I take everything more personally too; some people say I can’t take a joke anymore. Plus every little problem that arises is harder to face than it used to be. I think that’s because I hold on to more of the negative, so everything just builds up and up, without ever letting go or resetting. It all piles on top of the rest.

Apparently, depression does that to you. Depression turns you into a drama queen who cries all the time. My eyes are puffy from crying.

If I think about it harder, if I strain more than I want to, I can think of a few things that led up to this drowning feeling. I can piece together a few issues that began to fill my lungs with despair. But it still feels sudden even with excuses.

Life got harder with the transition from elementary to middle school. I lost some friends I never expected to lose. Somehow we had just grown apart, and in the wake of their absence, I could feel the pressure of a huge void.

All of a sudden these people I had come to depend on for support sneered at me and walked by without a word in the halls. They made fun of me behind my back and started nasty rumors about me. I wasn’t cool enough to be their friend any longer, and they clearly showed me why.

That hurt.

It stung more than I imagined it could. Though I never imagined they’d leave me either. Apparently I was too stupid not to realize who they were. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time on people who were only going to betray my trust and friendship. But I can’t undo what’s already done.

I have made new friends since, but it still hurts to see the old ones around and know they’ve abandoned me.

Besides the friends I’ve lost, I’m embarrassed to say I also seem to have terrible luck with guys. Everyone I’ve liked recently hasn’t felt the same for me. I have written notes, passed them along, and received lasting records of written rejections back. I can’t seem to throw them away either. Too often I look at their handwriting, telling me they just don’t like me.

.

Do you like me? Do you want to be my boyfriend?

[ ] Yes or [ ] No?

[ ] Yes or [X] No… Sorry

.

Their scribbled apologies are of no comfort either, so I should be able to get rid of them, but I can’t.

Every time this happens I find myself staring in the mirror when I get home. I wonder if I’m ugly. I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with me and what I should be changing. Why does no one choose me?

I get picked on at school by some girls I used to call my friends, and I am invisible to the boys I can’t help but see. I find no solace or comfort at school, and I often wish to be home every second that I’m there. But when I get home, I tend to be equally disappointed.

I can’t seem to make anyone happy anymore, not even myself.

My sisters pick fights with me. Or maybe I pick fights with them. I can’t even tell anymore. But either way, we are fighting way more than we used to. Getting through an entire day without fighting with anyone has become impossible.

I’ve been disappointing my parents a lot too. There’s always something I need to fix in their eyes. I talk back too much. I don’t help out around the house. No one is ever completely satisfied with me.

And now that I feel like I can’t do anything right, at school or at home, every little hiccup feels like a mountain I must climb alone. It feels like staring at Everest from the bottom without support or even equipment to assist me to the top. Every time I say or do something wrong, I have the urge to crawl into a dark hole and be alone for such a long time.

I bet I’d be happier as a recluse.

Every problem seems magnified when looking through depression-tinted lenses. Everything is darker, scarier, and way more trouble than it should be worth. Sometimes I do catch myself wondering if any of this is worth it, and even if it is, what can I do to make my days more bearable? How can I get a handle on what I’ve lost?

Like I’ve said before, this suffocating feeling has crept into everything and feels to be more trouble than it used to. I’m just not sure that it’s worth it to have to feel this way. No one should have to feel this way.

To make matters worse, I made a mountain out of a small problem at school again recently, and unfortunately my reaction made everything horrible. The friends I have left often tell me I worry too much, and some even call me sensitive. Well, if they had any doubt before, today I proved them right.

It probably wouldn’t have bothered me so much a year ago, but today I stopped breathing. I froze. Time felt like it had stopped, and I had never been so embarrassed in my life.

I started to cry in the middle of class. It wasn’t an attractive silent cry either. It was tears pouring down my face and hiccups escaping between sobs. All I had done was say something stupid to my classmate, but she'd teased me, and all of a sudden the room was spinning. I tried to recover, but I faltered and started breaking down in front of everyone.

I stood up to escape, and I ran toward the hall. But instead of leaving and ending the situation, I tripped on my way out of the door, spilling my books everywhere, which only made it worse.

I made an idiot out of myself, and I still can’t let it go two days later. I keep thinking about what I'd done wrong, what I should have done differently, and how miserable I have made myself. It all goes round and round my head until I’m dizzy with disappointment and anxiety. I wish I could take it back, but since I can’t, I wish I could at least make myself feel better.

I wish I had some magic tool to take away my pain.